JSD, The best advice I have is to try and just make every day "just another day", when we start assigning great or important meaning to any particular day then it can get overwhelming at times. Mediation is just people getting together to talk. If/when the day comes and D is final, for me didn't even realize it or make a big deal out of it, life goes on.
To clarify the hurt thing above, the initial hurt comes from the spouse that says they want the divorce to the LBS, but then when the petitioner (to use legalese) says they want to stay friends, the LBS often through the hurt/anger tries for some payback hurt by either treating them angrily or as in my case, not communicating with them for some time period/rejecting attempts to contact. Hope that clears things up some.
Haven't talked or e-mailed the xw lately except for a few phone calls about separating assests at the credit union. No personal stuff, just business and given the situation, difficult to be upbeat but did get off the phone before the conversation dragged on; did seem like she wanted to talk more. RonJon
Got an e-mail from xw today saying she bought a plane ticket to vist starting next Fri. Was a surprise although she had asked if it was ok since it's S13's birthday weekend said yes but never expected her to go through with it. The visit will be 10 -13 Nov (4 days) S13's Bday is 13 Nov, trying to figure out best way to approach. Part of me wants to demonstrate dating is going well with me and the other part wants to try and make a move for reconciliation. Know from D19 that things are rough w/xw & om because he smothers her by never leaving her alone (I don't ask, D19 complains because she can't get time alone with mon). Dillema is not to smother her either while she's here but would acting totally nonchalant send the wrong message also?
If the response is RJ, what do YOU want, the answer is I don't know. I suppose the majority of me wants to get back together for the kids sake so they can have both their parents like they deserve. That's my #1 priority/responsibility. I've had a few drinks for Weds "hump night"so can't say how clear my thinging is at this point.
Understand that her priority is to come here to see her son on his birthday weekend but would have to think she will be watching me also for changes from pre-D. Knowing her (married 24 yrs), her natural personality is to be a follower, not a leader but may run into an independence streak now that we are both available.
Can't expect anyone to have experience in such a situation but if anyone has any advice at all, would like to hear it to formulate a decision about which direction to go. Thanks, RonJon
Hi RonJon! Hope Halloween was good for you and kids on your side. Surprising to hear xw is coming to visit. Hopefully the weather will look alot better than it does the past couple of days. Anyway, I think you should just Db like you did, to show her you have moved on. Reconciling is good, but you want to do it for you and xw, not just for the kids, as much as you want them to have the 2 parent home. I know what you mean. But remember, she's the one that did it. You're moving on, let her see that. Maybe that will be a wake up call. I know about the "few drinks." Had some, well kinda alot for tonite too being hump back day! I know you usually do cabernet, but if you want to try an inexpensive (at least I think it was, must have been since I bought it at Costco!) try Blackstone Winery. Really good for the price, whatever I paid for it, with no bite
Keep it up beat, let her decide what she wants to happen. Just have fun!
You are so lucky to have the kids. I wish I did. I agree. Let her lead the dance. You have to have no expectations, needs or agendas. Bob and weave. See were she goes. Don't linger or hoover. Could you maybe go out when she is there? Anything to show you are moving on.
JSD
Hillcountry
[color:"red"]I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
Just got back from the beach, working on keeping the tan I got on the cruise last month. I hear what you all are saying about the xw's visit later this week and will try to implement. Can play things cool and maybe even go out one night while she's here.
On the other side of me keeps saying that I only see her twice a year now and to make the most of the four days we'll have together. In the 25 years knowing her, she is a follower, not a leader and tried the nonchalant last holiday season and last summer to to no gain. It was only when I got more assertive that progress was made, not by hanging back. DBing I thinks works best when both individuals still believe in marriage as an institution but are unhappy. Since we are D'd, think a new approach may be called for. So what I'm leaning towards is pick her up at the airport (hugs), give her space that first day with only like a glass or two of wine in the evening, coffee & talk in the morning and see where things go from there.
This will be our first time in person together not married so figure there may be some awkwardness. Understand that neither of us has any obligation towards the other and are free to do as we choose and that there should not be any expectations.
So has this playing it cool worked for anybody in the past? Moving on is a challenge and to a point I see where it can be effective but also see downsides to that approach especially since a serious lack of communication is what made things so rockey for us in the first place, not too much fighting. Know that desperation, neediness, and pursuit are all negatives and have to approach this from a position of nothing to lose anyway which is the truth. But would have to think there is also something to be said for finding a way to let her know the door is open without it being a sign of weakness. Maybe I'll just leave my B-room door open, the two rooms are just across the hallway .
Still a few more days to figure things out, again, thanks for the inputs and always ready to hear more. RonJon
What I meant by playing it cool was keeping your expectations low.
Quote: It was only when I got more assertive that progress was made, not by hanging back.
I'd still do this... be assertive about you. Be fun, enjoy your time with her, but a little bit indifferent to the outcome. You don't need her, but would prefer her to be in your life.
Quote: But would have to think there is also something to be said for finding a way to let her know the door is open without it being a sign of weakness.
If she's curious about the possibility of getting back together you'll know. As long as you have never told her that it isn't possible to get back together, then I'm sure she's aware that there is a possibility. In this case you want her to come to you. Leaving the bedroom door open might be good, but you'll need to create attraction during the stay.
Have you ever read frank_d's thread? I can send you some of the stuff he gave me. Shoot me an email.
Me: 45 W43 S7, Foster S9 (Planning to adopt post divorce) D mentioned Feb 2015, Wife served 3/24/2015. She moved out 4/15/2015.
Just another day and I can join you in working from the other side of divorce. Mediation tomorrow really peaceful. I have the kids tonight for awhile. It will be great.
Hillcountry
[color:"red"]I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
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