Hey RonJon, This is a very interesting thread to me becouse I may soon be divorced also, and I told my wife that if we divorced I wouldn't want to talk to her. I told her that it was the only way I would be ok, and would help me detach emotionally. She was kinda upset about this. I would like to view that as a positive thing, something makes her think about what she could lose.
I have a book called " Getting Back Together". I bought this book when my wife started talking about seperation. I was trying to figure out how to fix things and keep her here. ( that was before I found the DR book) This book was actually all about seperation as a means of repairing the marriage. If I had known that when I bought it, I never would have done so. Anyway, They mention in the first chapter that while the stats show a 50% divorce rate, they never show what % of that group end up remarrying the same partner. So, Never say Never. You dont know what the big Kahuna's got in store for you, but if you keep the door completely shut and locked, you'll never be able to recieve it. I just contradicted myself, didn't I? Well see, I know that I wont refuse to talk to her forever, becouse I still love her waaay too much, but she doesn't know that....or does she???
BigB, I told my w when she was talking D that there was no way we could be friends afterwards. Same thing, a warning that I wouldn't be there for her. Turned out we ended up Ding and during the process was civil because I'd read "Divorce with Deceny", after it went final, refused to talk to her for about two months and didn't return any e-mails but the S13 & S16 talked several times with me about it and finally decided that as long as I didn't initiate anything it was OK. Everything seems to contridict no matter which direction taken so maybe just keep shifting gears to keep them off-balance?
The whole friend thing is a $1M question I haven't found a totally acceptable answer for yet. If you read throu some of my older posts it's a recurring theme. For now, figure GAL is #1 and if xw calls, will talk to her briefly and friendly but not be like a puppy dog.
I've tried looking up the stats for remarriage to the same person and found one website that had it at 6% but haven't found another to substantiate that.
If you see her in person, she'll know you love her, read and can substantiate that women are like 95% better at reading body language than men and it's just something that can't be hidden when in person. Good luck, if you or anyone else has advice, I'm all ears. RJ
I am in the same boat. My wife wants to be best friends. She doesn't hate me, she just wants to be free. We have not finished the divorce yet. I feel she will be very angry about her lot in life after it is over. Right now its all fun and games. I am kicked out of the house, but pay all the bills. She gets work when she wants to.
What is really wierd is that she sits next to me at soccer games, goes to events with me and out to eat. Is there another man? Maybe.
Either way, I have been unable for the last year to bring her back to me. She has no desire. She loves me like a brother. I am probably hurting myself by doing things with her, but we say its for the beterment of the children.
Hillcountry
Hillcountry
[color:"red"]I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
JSD, I'm there with you in that rocky boat. And not to sound cynical but there probably is an OM, slimeballs are always hanging in the wings. When people wonder, there almost always is. We all have different needs to be met and the way affairs happen is others fill some of those needs so soccer may be one of those you fill. Not sure about anger but she probably will feel guilt and resentment which probably yeah, will turn to anger so watch out.
With me being thousands of miles away from xw, don't have to see her so we both can detach more which I believe is necessary before trying to restart anything. When I was with her during the summer while still married it was weird how we did things together and as a whole family and everybody had a good time. But the times she was like a Stepford wife outweighed the old w.
My advice is that if you think you are hurting yourself by doing things with her then don't. At some point you'll come to realize that you have to start thinking about yourself and what's good for you. Might as well be sooner rather than later if it's hurting you now. As for the kids, they'll need to learn eventually to have different and separate relationships with each of their parents instead of being with both mom and dad together but not really.
If anyone has figured out how to be just friends after being married I haven't seen it posted on this website yet but would like to hear.
RonJon -The flame has to extinguish before it can be rekindled-
I hear you. I was thinking that the other day. My wife was all fired up to get this over and now she is dragging her feet. I think it is mostly because she doesn't have to face her reality or the other person is not ready yet. Anyway, I was told by my minister that I need to be kind to her during this siuation and show her the new me. It just doesn't seem to matter.
The funny thing is she is doing nothing that is necessary to grow up and be alone. She has not found a full time job or done anything to support her and the kids. She must think that I am going to take care of her.
JSD
Hillcountry
[color:"red"]I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
JSD, My sitch was very similar, during the initial break up she went on and on about wanting to life life to the fullest, different directions, etc. etc. As it turns out, she is still doing the same boring things with an OM with many similarities to me and I'm the one that took the different direction and is now living a fuller life at my tropical location. Think the reality of that is just beginning to hit her.
Being kind is always good advice and just focusing on becoming a new you is enough, you don't have to "show her", that would be considered pursuing or she'll think just that , that it's only a show. Become and stay a new you, she'll be watching without having to be shown.
Many WAS do believe that things will be the same and with their added benefits after a D and don't realize the impending impacts until way too late which is why they convince themselves to go through with it. That's where the "friends" catch-22 comes in. Some of it is showing her that there's no easy street, some as payback for hurt, but on the flipside the underlying hope to reconcile. See that again and again on these posts. Good luck on the new you, Ronjon
My h said he wanted to be friends. I agreed. But after a year+ of being seperated, he still doesn't know how to be my friend. He wasn't my friend in the last 3 years of our marriage, and he isn't my friend after we separated.
I just don't think he knows how. I've even told him he doesn't know how to be my friend. I've told him what my perspective of friendship is...a friend_______, a friend_______... He still can't or won't.
Oh well. He can say we're friends all he wants and he does. But when I'm asked I reply the truth. He says we're friends, but he doesn't behave that way towards me.
I have other friends. If H can't be a friend to me, then I move on.
R:How much do we owe on the house and what is our monthly payment? I have NO clue. With all this dreaming of Whisperwind it makes more sense for me to just try to find a way to keep this house and maybe just board out the two stalls for extra income or something. Just an outloud thought. Do you have Volleyball tonight or is that canceled due to the rain.
JSD:We owe around $XXX,XXX. The monthly house payment is $X,XXX with yearly taxes of $XX,XXX. Insurance is $100 a month and elect is btw $300-$400k. I thought you hated the house. No volleyball. I will take the kids when you need me to in November. You will just have to find someplace for them to go after school or to the Y.
JSD
R:I hate not knowing where I am going to live more! Sounds like alot of money. Oh well. our phone is not working must be the rain
What do you think?
Hillcountry
Hillcountry
[color:"red"]I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
Less than two weeks to mediation. Doesn't look good. Still DB and praying, but I think it is time to accept that this is going to happen. Anybody have any advice to calm yourself.
JSD
Hillcountry
[color:"red"]I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% of how I react to it."
