No I would not alter it. If your moral framework includes killing people for kicks... your azz is going to wind up in jail, and life is going to land on you hard. This statement does not address cause/effect. It is not an entitlement issue. It does not give you free rein to hurt people, or shun responsibility.
What is does do is force you to define and then ACCEPT who and what you are, without guilt, without blaming someone else for your actions.
1. You remind yourself that at one point (even if it was back in high school) you weren't married and didn't even have any sex partner other than yourself...and that even that was better than what you've got right now.
2. With that in mind, you go back to whatever satisfied you back then. After all, you WERE satisfied back then, because it was your only choice, and you not only survived, but you enjoyed it. It's only the reflection on what you EXPECTED but are GIVING UP at THIS point in your life, that stops you from at least enjoying what you had then---so try not to dwell on that. (Not easy, I know, I know, but it does help if you succeed in avoiding it).
3. You DO treat yourself to "bubblebaths." (Sorry...go ahead and ridicule...but they do help). Just be sure to supplement that bubblebath with a handheld massaging showerhead. Apply wherever and however liberally needed.
The point is, the fact that you are being deprived of the steaks to which you are rightfully entitled may not be something you can do anything about. But you still CAN have some VERY good hamburgers. So make the fanciest hamburgers you can afford the ingredients for - and when those pangs of longing and regret come along, shove them aside and don't let them stop you from enjoying the hamburgers. Remember: you survived without steaks back when you couldn't afford them....and you were still happy and well fed...so let those hamburgers satisfy your appetite today. Think about what IS still on the table rather than what ISN'T.
Maybe MB helps others, but MB does little to help me. This is not about SEX, this is about sexual fulfilment which is WAY beyond just sex. We tend to put too much focus on just the orgasam. In good sex, sex is about EVERYTHING. Most importantly, sex is communication between two people. It is an incredible mind game. What I am trying to say is that most of the important aspects of sex can NOT be experienced when going solo. It is the WHY you have sex that is truly important, not the HOW you have sex. In true passionate sex, it is a deeply emotional experience, it is crucial to well being, and it can not be acheived in any other way. In effect, there is no substitute for it.
All the bubble bath and mb talk aside part of "nurturing yourself" includes the social/relational aspect. If Mrs. HD isn't going to be a positive part of your social milieu you gotta get some friends or spend more time with the one's you have.
As far as the solo stuff goes I have to say that Cemar has a point. The satisfaction of that only goes so far. Sometimes when I mb I only succeed in getting myself more heated up for H. Sometimes when I mb I can't even get myself off because it isn't what I really want.
In your HH if you decide to make the art of self pleasuring more a part of nurturing yourself I suggest that you do so in an obvious fashion. Make a little "pleasure basket" for yourself with scented candle, magazines, lube, toys or whatever turns you on. Did you see the movie "the 40yo Virgin" - there is a scene where he gets ready to mb to porn and gets a shower, puts on clean white, startched jammies, lights candles and climbs into the beautifully made bed with the remote in order to view his friend's collection of pornography. It was a hysterical scene. However, the point that mb doesn't need to be a hidden, furtive, apologetic activity. While I wouldn't put it in Mrs. HD's face I wouldn't hide it either. One evening after the kids are in bed and Mrs. HD is ensconced in some "don't bother me, I'm busy" activity simply retire to bed, lock your door and take care of things. Unlock the door when you are done. If she comes up and notices the locked door simply explain that you didn't want the kids to walk in on accident and since she doesn't seem inclined to have a joint sl you were ensuring your own privacy and enjoyment. See what your C has to say about that. Believe me, I have considered doing the same. However, in my HH I have considered leaving the door unlocked, hoping that H would walk in and finally see me as a sexual being not just wifey/mommy.
Anywhoo HD, regardless of how you handle things with the solo stuff I wanted to be sure and make the social point. Join a running club, biking club, learn to golf and make golf dates, book club, whatever. Put the money for the activity into the budget. You bring home the bacon too.
Maybe MB helps others, but MB does little to help me. This is not about SEX, this is about sexual fulfilment which is WAY beyond just sex. We tend to put too much focus on just the orgasam. In good sex, sex is about EVERYTHING. Most importantly, sex is communication between two people. It is an incredible mind game. What I am trying to say is that most of the important aspects of sex can NOT be experienced when going solo. It is the WHY you have sex that is truly important, not the HOW you have sex. In true passionate sex, it is a deeply emotional experience, it is crucial to well being, and it can not be acheived in any other way. In effect, there is no substitute for it.
Oh, don't think for one moment I don't know that. I agree with all of that. CeMar, I don't post here very much (because I don't often have much to say that would really be any more helpful to people than what the more participative members already say). But I do browse these boards frequently - perhaps if only to reassure myself that I'm not alone. And I see how people here - especially the women - tend to malign you...and frankly I think there's a bit of unfairness to that. It's true you're blunt and you often have angry words - and that ruffles some feathers here...but I know full well that underneath it all you are just venting because you are HURTING. I share that HURT and that ANGER too. At the same time I've caught the drift that you're apparently a Christian - you don't consider divorce an option. Well so am I...and if you are a Christian than as a fellow Christian you share and can relate to all the rest of the conflict that brings with it in a situation like this. We saved ourselves for marriage - looking forward to what we thought (perhaps erroneously) was a Biblical promise that we would be rewarded with sex lives worth waiting for. We know we have a once-in-a-lifetime chance to choose a spouse who would keep us happy in the bedroom - and we blew our one chance and will never have another. And yet at the same time we know our wives are our blessings whom we love more than words can say even though we're mad as **** at them regarding this important area. There are times when I feel like the single worst thing I ever did for my sex life was become a Christian. And yet I know I can't and shouldn't let this ENORMOUS disappointment put distance between myself and the Lord.
As far as "MB" (those abbreviations drive me crazy but I'll play along anyway) - yes, MB can never replace the feelings of connectedness at times when a sex life is in sync. My own has been a roller coaster ride - when it's good, it's really good - but those times are few and far between, and in between the roller coaster drops into the abyss. I'm tired of those abyss drops. I refuse to get my hopes up any more over even a few days of good sex only to have them dashed a few days later.
"MB" smoothes the peaks and the valleys. Even if the rest is missing, there's at least some comfort in knowing when and where my next orgasm is coming from. That's more than I could ever say with my wife. After a certain number of years of working and struggling and trying to believe and maintain hope that this is not a permanent condition and some day I WILL have the sex life I got married for, there comes a time to realize that it IS a permanent condition, stop wasting time hoping and whining, and accept one's fate. It's actually more peaceful and livable than the constant roller coaster ride. And once you've finally come to the point of doing that, masturbation makes it at least a little easier to do.
Nurturing, to me, is about much more than MB. Yeah, I MB and it's fine and good, but CeMar has a point. What I am "missing" is about much more than friction + time = orgasm. Sure, I can nurture the heck out of myself that way. The absence of the "connection" and the seemingly crystal clear message that my partner is not willing to take seriously my view that this connection is important to me and, consequently, is important to the health and happiness of the marriage, is why I'm looking to nurture myself.
I need to nurture myself so that I can overcome the resentment of not having the type of relationship I want. Nurture myself to fill the emptiness. Nurture myself, so that I can release the attachment I have in which I expect my wife to respond to me in a positive manner, physically and emotionally. Nurture myself so that I can give up all expectations of her. Nurture myself so that I do not seek anything from her.
It seems impossible to me right now. But perhaps you see that I'm talking about much more than MB.
And Corri, my moral framework is such that I will not seek a loving relationship outside of my marriage. My moral framework also requires me, right now, to put the needs of my DD5 ahead of my own. Yes, I know all about how unhealthy it can be to be a child in a house divided. She knows that mom and dad argue sometimes. She knows that mom and dad rarely kiss or are affectionate. But I know that the situation will have to get much worse bad between W and I to merit a decision that DD5 would be better off with the two of us divorced, than together.
So I'm in this marriage to stay. I need to figure out a way to do more than just keep my sanity. I need to figure out a way to nurture (to help grow, to care for, to nourish) myself, because there is no other source I can look toward or depend on to provide this to me in any significant way.
That is precisely why I mentioned the social aspect. You are a social person and you need social outlets. Part of the fun of sex is the social/relational part. Well, you'll have to get that need met elsewhere. Just don't make the mistake of seeing "nurture myself" as only activities you do alone.
Are there activities that you do with your kids that are also nurturing to you? What if you scheduled some special Daddy/kid alone time and took the kids to do something. Wouldn't it be nurturing to yourself to have them tell you what a terrific time they had?
To be sure there are also some very nurturing "alone" things: solo sex, a good book, working out, hobbies (art, model airplanes, origami, playing music). When was the last time you went alone, got a cup of coffee and browsed in a bookstore for a couple of hours by yourself?
Karen: Thanks for the excellent ideas. I know it sounds weird, but one of my favorite times of the week is when I take my daughter to gymnastics -- not because I watch her like a hawk, but because I bring a magazine to read. I catch her eye from time to time, watch her if she's doing something particularly interesting or challenging, etc., but most of the time I'm reading.
I don't have much free time, so the idea of joining a book club, while tempting, is currently unpractical. Daddy/kid time - I do that enough, enjoy it, and yes, it is self-nurturing to nurture others.
I enjoy bike riding, but don't get to go as often as I'd like. Perhaps I'll make more time for that before the cold weather hits. Social outlets - I've been thinking about joining the Band Parents Association, which supports the Marching Band that my two boys are in. Perhaps I'll look into that.
