Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Is it unfair to take the sex back?

**** I think that maybe the intamacy can bring us closer.

Sure it can, but only when your minds and hearts are right too.

Sure it can, but only when your minds and hearts are right too.

That is so true. I easily forget stuff like that. Nothing in life comes easy. Nothing. Everything takes hard work, so why would married life and Happiness be so different. But I get so angry at myself, because my children should bring me all the happpiness in the world, and I cant even focus on them. I just go through the motions with them. Right now anyways. I get so aggrevated by them. That makes me feel guilty , and then I get angry at H for putting me in a place like this.
Therapy starts next Tues! Yeah! Can't wait to go.

Well whatisis and I have our own view on happiness. I will save that for another day.

****because my children should bring me all the happpiness in the world, and I cant even focus on them.

Well you should. They deserve that. If nothing else push it all down and give them what they deserve JMHO.

****I get angry at H for putting me in a place like this.

That's OK. You should be angry. It's all a part of the healing process. Just don't stay there. If you do the anger will turn into bitterness. That's not a good thing.

****Therapy starts next Tues! Yeah! Can't wait to go.

Do I sense some sarcasm here? I hope not. Reaching out is the first step. If I misunderstood I apologize.

No really, I am looking forward to going to therapy. I wanted us to go before these problems had started. Just to figure out how to deal with the stress from all these twins. He agreed then. I was the one that let the appt slip by.....Boy, am I sorry now.

He says the right things, he does the right things. I think he is genuinely sorry for his actions. I always tell him, that his actions are louder than words. So today I was feeling really bad, because he really hasnt said how sorry he was. But he stated that an apology isnt strong enough words for what he feels. He said an apology is for stepping on some ones toe. I told him he was right, but he did step on my heart and it would be nice to just hear the words. He apologized for not apologizing.
He keeps telling me how grateful he is to me for not throwing him out. I keep asking him is that what you wanted me to do. He says "no". I know that people make mistakes. And "most" men are just plain right dummies! No offense, In my opinion. Everyone is entitled to one mistake. But I do know in my heart if it would ever happen again, I could never ever forgive him . Or continue a damaging relationship. My children will eventually learn forgiveness, but they will not learn how to be walked over!

****I think he is genuinely sorry for his actions.

Do you think he is remorseful? There is a difference.

****But he stated that an apology isnt strong enough words for what he feels. He said an apology is for stepping on some ones toe. I told him he was right, but he did step on my heart and it would be nice to just hear the words. He apologized for not apologizing.

JMHO here...take it for what it is worth. He is being and a$$ and you are still harboring resentment. I'm not saying it is not justified, but it impedes the healing process.

****And "most" men are just plain right dummies!

Naw we aint that dummb just wired kind of funnie that's all.

****Everyone is entitled to one mistake.

Well if I was only given one strike in life I would be in hell now. And in life we are entitled nothing. Good or bad.

****But I do know in my heart if it would ever happen again, I could never ever forgive him

I read on one post where grasshopper said there is a difference between on affair and multiple affairs. Maybe it is mental masturbation on my part, but I tend to agree with him.

****My children will eventually learn forgiveness, but they will not learn how to be walked over!

As well they should.

I cant do this anymore. I just seem to think and talk in circles. One day I feel "okay" with things, and the next I am going crazy. I am tired of thinking, I am tired of talking, I am tired of typing. I just want to ignore what happened. I know that is not the way to handle it, but for just right now. I need to try and do that. I know it will never happen, I could never ignore what happened. I have to figure out how to feel better. I was doing that and my husband has been wonderful. We have been talking about alot and learning alot. He is remorseful, and loving and better now than even when we first married. But then we went to therapy and I felt like we took 2 steps backwards. We had such a wonderful weekend, but 1 hour with the therapist ruined that. He seems to be moving forward in a positive direction for us. He answers all my hard questions. He hides nothing from me. Even if it hurts me, he trusts me to accept him. But, I cant trust. And not that I dont trust him in having an another affair. I cant trust his word. I am just waiting for him to blow up or get mad. Or him to take advantage of me, or lie to me about something or disrespect me in any form. Then we will fall right back into the cycle we were in. It is not even the act that I cant forgive, it is all the lies and deceit around it. It is that he lost respect for me. That I know longer mattered to him. I am just so sad, I want to stop being sad. So I have to take a break from this.

Hi, I posted on newcomers earlier,i don't guess i really have a problem now ,so maybe i can be of some help to someone else.My H had an PA 6 years ago in 2000,with a co-worker.We went to counseling and stayed together.We are still together.I have days when i think back to all the pain,but for the most part it is good now.Counseling really helped, but TIME is the healer.The longer you can stay together and your S is trying to show you that he is sorry and won't do it again then you begin to trust again.It never fully leaves ,though, and i don't think our R will be the same ever.That can be a good thing though because the R had a flaw before that helped the A along.I am smarter and not as naive now .He knows i won't go through it again.As far as sex,it will get to where you don't think of OW & his A.At least that is what i did.It was bad,i hated it,but like you i didn't want him going without for fear of him straying again.Time does make it much better.Me & my H are doing good.I got upset recently over someting stupid he did.Read my post on newcomers.I am just not being naive this time.Hope things get better soon for you,God Bless,K

mini hijack of this post, I plan to withold sex, we were having a semi-normal SL until Tues. when I found out the A he had was a PA of months not an EA of a few weeks he had me believe. I'm just livid thinking of them two, didnt help that I found picts and notes of him describing their SL.

When we have sx it is almost like before, though once or twice I could tell something was off. He was a man who wanted it day and night, now, he doesn't want it that often, but w/OP he wan'st getting it as much as would've liked to.

I want to feel that connection, I told him I wasn't going to initiate & that if he will to do it if he feels it from his heart, not becasue I'm expecting it or to humor me, all he said was "oh, that's going to help us"

JM, any help?

If i knew my H was having Sx with another right now, i would DEFINETLY with-hold SX!When i found out of my H's A in 2000,i went to my MD. and had all the tests run for STD's.It was embarassing but hey i wanted to know.I also had him move out for awhile.I couldn't deal with looking at him.We talked on the phone and then went to C and started working on R.I fully agree with a right time to withold. Prayers for you all here,it is really tough.,K

Kasiopeia,
thank you so much for you insight. H and I are fully committed to having this work out. I told him,the other day, that I just wish I could talk to some one with a "success" story. I get alot from others here, but mostly everyone is in the same process as myself. (I still appreciate everyones insight,and love hearing from you all) It is reassuring to chat with someone who can shed some light on how to get past certain things.

Its so hard to get past that I stopped mattering to him. I feel the past 10 years of our life meant nothing to him. I can not look at anything in our past and feel happy about sharing that with him. Even the births of all our children. Yes it makes me happy to of had them, but not happy that we shared that together and it meant nothing to him. Get what I am sayin? Did you feel that way? Do those thoughts subside? It was like our life together was very satisfying for both of us until 9 mos ago. The 2nd set of twins came and that is where the chaos began. then the A started 5 mos later. Lasted3-4 mos. Now is completley over. It is like just a block of our lives got screwed up. and now putting my hurt feelings aside for a moment. We are better than ever. I know every sitch is different, but for you; When you and you H were mending things was he great, in his actions? Really proving a change? If so, other than this thing your upset about now; Is he still great? Maybe none of these Q refer to you. But for me, My H is being wonderful. I am waiting for that to end. Waiting for him to blow up.

As for sex he is completley going with the way I feel each time it comes up. I feel so good that w/ time the visuals will subside. It is sickening to me as while he thinks he is making love to me, I have visions of her in OUR intimacy. I have told him about this, and he is very compassionate toward my feelings. Time usually goes fast for everything else, but I am sure this will last a little too long.

Thanks!
I will read your post on the newcomers.