Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Nine Months and loosing ground

My Sitch:

M 11 yrs (12 yr Anniv.Sept 23rd)
Me 40
W 33
S 9
D 5
Bomb dropped 12/24
D/filed 1/29

Hi Gang! I know I look like a newbie, but I have been reading this board everyday (4 hours a day on average)since last December. Here's the short version:

Found receipt for Hotel January 3rd. Wife dropped our kids off at IL's and spent X-mas eve with another man.
Confronted her and she informed me I was history. "ILYBIANILWY" I Did all the wrong things; pleaded, letters, pursued... all the usual mistakes. Found DB read DR and have trying to find solutions ever since. The OM has big bucks and is in the middle of being divorced. He had a 3 year Affair before he got his claws into my W. W still considers me her best friend; until rescently we were really friendly and ML about once a month.

Since W and OM have gotten together, W has gone from spending 90% of her free time w/ D5 and S9 to 3% of the time..and they live with her. When we were together I worked ridiculous hours (100 a week)at the restaurant I own. No time for anyone. This of course is in part why I am here.
Wife works with other man in Real Estate (they are partners now). OM is in my former bed every night but hasn't been allowed to move in permanently (he wants she doesn't). I quit working about a month ago and moved in with my parents. I gave W everything and took only my clothes. We did the D papers ourselves and the D could have been over last week but W has to file a couple of documents and hasn't bothered. I am trying to GAL and do my best not to pursue. I don't initiate calls but I do return them. I try to keep a PMA and spend almost everyday with the kids because W's nanny quit. Kids and I have a great relationship now. I believe wife is in MLC. She is the opposite of everything I knew her to be. Now she's angry, completely selfish, spends money like no tomorrow and appears to be addicted to OM. Several times throughout the last 9 months W indicated that she "might" want to work it out down the road. We have even talked about having another baby? In every instance that she has given me hope, within a couple of days she recants or even tells me "she never said that" W about two weeks ago brought up a problem from our past and talked at length w/ me about it. I validated and apologized. It was a big deal for me. It was the first time in 9 months she talked about our past...other than to tell me what a jerk I was.
W has told me several times rescently that "she is done with me for good". I am desparately trying to hang in there but what I thought was progess in the past seems to erased right now. I don't know what to do.

Sorry man. I know this sucks.

My first question is why did you give her "everything?" I don't ask that to be mean or challenge you. There are a couple reasons it may help us to hear your answer. I will elaborate after you post.

GH

Thanks for the reply GH. I know our sitches are somewhat similar. Why did I give her everything? Honestly, I didn't and don't care. The kids won't be without anything and makes me happy. I don't care about any of it. I do hope someday it will be mine a again.

I just picked my little people and three things I didn't expect happened. One, wifey says she's not going to allow OM to sleep over anymore when our kids are home. Two, see is wearing her wedding ring on her left hand (not to indicate that she's married to me. She's just is tired of being hit on all the time...I still like it). I told her that she had it on the wrong hand and she said "oh I'll move it" I grabbed her hand softly and said "no, I like it where it is". In fact I wear mine if you like...no response. Guess I pushed it. I just couldn't help pursuing that one. Third, she gave me a nice kiss goodbye...trying not to read into it to much.

Hi, Don.

It seems we have more in common than just our anniversary date. I too work in F&B industry and was working ridiculous hours. I usually worked longer than I needed because I dreaded going home to an unhappy situation. The DR book really put relationship dynamics in perspective for me and I realized that we could be happy.

Anyways I think that you should keep up PMA and keep spending time with your kids as much as you can. A friend who went through what we are advised me the same. He said when she sees that you are having fun and spending time with your kids that will be attractive to her.

We both need to stop the pursuit and take care of ourselves and kids first. My wife slipped yesterday and told me NOT to do something because it wasn't romantic. Then I slipped and asked her if she wanted me to be romantic. . . . .just went downhill from there.

I think that we know what to do in a lot of these instances but it is difficult to make that decision right then and there.

Keep the faith!!

Tony

I don't want to be presumptuous but I thought I would send you this prayer. It helps me a lot when I am feeling crappy (about anything). I copied it from an email that my mother sent me. See her notes that follow.

The Armor of God

I put on the sandals of peace, the girdle of truth, the breastplate of
righteousness and the helmet of Salvation. For my sword, I take up the word
of the Lord to protect me against all evil. I command all evil spirits to
leave. I plead the blood of Jesus Christ on me and I bless myself in the
name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen

Son, God wants us to be happy and you know who wants us to be unhappy. When
you say this prayer, say it aloud (you don't need to scream, just audible)
and the evil one will flee.. I guarantee that within minutes, no matter how
distraught you are, that feeling will lift and you will feel peace.

Tony

Thanks Tony!! That was very kind of you. I needed that more than you will ever know
Your advice "about being with the kids" I know is on the mark. I quit working just to be with them. They were coming apart at the seams. Since I have been with them everyday they are doing much better and so am I. Their mother even made a comment to that affect.

Its so sad that the woman I married wouldn't take two days for us to be alone together because "she didn't want to be away from the kids" has spent the last 34 out of 38 days away from them to be with the OM (and they live with her)...tears me up.
Thanks again Tony.

Don

Ok guys!!!! I need you more than ever. I have royally screwed up.

W just called to talk with the kids (I've had them all weekend). She finishes talking to them and asks for me. I get on the line. She's asks if I enjoyed "my weekend" with kids and I "giggle" and say "yes, I love being with them and that we have had fun all weekend". Then she asked "why I giggled?" I reply "that I found it kinda of funny "my weekend" and I said I have had them most of the month and this weekend was no different than the last several weekends. She gets furious!!! Say's I'm exagerating and that she is going to haul me into court and get the kids schedule etched in stone.....hangs up. I call her back and state the facts (I know I shouldn't have but I did) That she has been with them a total 4 days out of the last 38 and why was she angry? She calls back after getting my message and tells me that she doesn't want to be with me and that she wants to cut off all contact w/ me and hangs up. A few minutes later, I call her and leave her a message stating "that in order to communicate could she please not call me when she's angry and once she has said what she has to say give me the respect of letting me answer her. I know I made a mistake defending my position and if she would allow me to agree with her she would calm down. She calls me back again. And says " I'm pregant and its yours!!! ! I say how can that be? We have only been together once about a month ago it must be your boyfriend's...surely you have had sex with him many times since we were together? She tells me what basically the OM has some sort of ED and really isn't capable of making her pregnant. I say "I would love to keep the baby but I know that isn't what you want" (we have talked about having another since before our split, during and up to three weeks ago). She says she's going to have an abortion.I drop it right there. I then tell her "I just want her to happy. I love her enough to let her go, I have let her go and whether it is with me or w/out me I will support her decision. That all I want is to be happy as well. I then reminded her that the biggest problem that she voiced in our marriage was that I never could make time for her or the kids. Now the kids are my top priority (she certainly knows this though my actions over the last 7 months) That we used to argue like cats and dogs and that we no longer yell at each other because I won't allow myself to. I wish she could see things the way the are and not the way they used to be. I then said "Love is a decision". We were in Love once and if you choose to you can make the decision to be in Love again...its your choice. She just stayed silent and saids she had to put out some signs for an open house. She will be here to pick up the kids in a couple of hours. I know I have screw'd up badly. Please help stop screwing up!!!! I have know Idea what to do or say from here.

Remember that there are going to be good days and bad days. Days when you are saying all the right things and days when she pushes a button to make you say all of the wrong things.

My wife and I went through the exact same thing while I was gone. She told me she was pregnant and said it was mine since she claims no PA with the OM. I supported her the same way you supported your wife's decision, whatever that may be. That is pretty much all we can do is be supportive.

Remember that she is living in a fantasy world right now and that it is going to take time for her to see things as they are not as they were. This is how my wife is living now be it long distance.

I don't know if I helped much but you can always say that prayer to help clear your head and make a good decision.

TT

Thanks Tony your the best!!! I am so upset with myself I can't hold a thought right now. Your prayer has been well used and it does help. I need a miracle right now....could you send me one those? That's ok I'll just keep asking God. All I can figure to do when she get here is to say nothing and let her take the lead....remembering to keep my big mouth shut. Sound about right?

Yep. . . .sounds like our mouths get us in trouble a lot. We just have to know when to use it and when not to use it.

Remember that we can only change ourselves. Only God can start to bring down the walls around her heart. Just be the best father and husband you can be and that will be attractive to her.

TT