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As I was getting ready to take our Ds to my W and OM Apt. My W called me and said that OM invited me to stay over a while and have a burger and a beer. I shocked eventually said I accept. I went over there skeptical and confused. If being around OM meant I got to spend time around my W and Ds I thought I should give it a try. The evening was pleasent and neutral. OM said he hoped that I come again and more often. I just said maybe well see. I spent most the time with my Ds eating burgers and watching a kid movie. A little time talking to my W about her job and kids and stuff like that. I avoided talking to him as much as I could without being obveously rude. I planed on being cival and I was. So at the end I kissed my girls good-nite. hugged my W and left. .... I have alot of mixed up emotions about tonight. Why did he invite me? What does this mean? I felt like I was a guest in another familys home but that was my W and my kids. What does all this mean?I could really use some perspective here.

After alot of thought and asking some of my Divorced friends. I have come up with a couple of poss explanations for the invite. 1. they are feeling guilty and want me come over and be all friendly and ok so they can feel better. 2. this is some sort of divorce as friends sitch where she is moving on and expecting me to be ok. 3. she mentioned to him that she wants to have family time so he suggested having it over there to keep an eye on us. whatever the reason it has me puzzled. I went along with it in hopes to find out what was up and spend time with my family. It wasnt easy. watching them as if I was a guest in another familys home. But that was my W and my kids. I dont think im going to do it again. what do you guys think?

Hi Scott:

Well..it could be all three that you mentioned. And maybe they are trying to "renew" the friendship between you, OM and W. Just curious: How well did you know this guy ? Did he use your friendship to access your W ?

Personally, I dont think I would "visit" again.

Just my .02.

Tom

I have known OM for 20+ years. He and I were close friends growing up and stayed close after I got M and had kids. He came over to visit my W and I often and sometimes we would all hang out together.

What is his sitch ? Relationships (prior history) kids... ?

OM has only been in one serious R. He has an 8 y/o Son from that R and his mom has custody. Both OM and his X are Rec drug users. 6 mo ago OM asked me for a place to stay while he got back on his feet. being my friend i didnt hesitate to help. 2 mo after that my W asked for a D..A mo after that I discovered the A. W and x friend turned OM moved out and got an Apt together. I know he was lonly and now I know that my W was too. After reading DB and DR I realized our R died of neglect and he was a convienent way out.

Dadof2:

I have sort of been sitting on your sitch.. thinking about it.. not sure I have a response for you at the moment.. but I just wanted to let you know I am thinking about it. Yikes !.. Sorry you are in this place, man.

Tom

Tom
Thank you very much for your responces and thoughts. Im afraid that the only thing I am going to be able to do at this point is wait and try to be patient. My W is not going to miss me or work on OR while she is with OM. I have decided to not spend any more time hanging out with W and OM. Whatever her reasons are for inviting me, I dont like doing it so im not gonna.

I agree with you.. and you are doing a pretty good job of being patient and waiting.. do the DB thingys.. and GAL.. looks like you have alot of hobbies etc..in your favor there. That has to be hard for you that your "friend" used his relationship with you to take advantage of your situation. I think you are handling it well though. Maybe concentrate on the things that earlier had your W looking back at you.. or atleast thinking about moving out of OM's place ? Just a thought.

I am sure someone else will chime in on your thread who is a veteran on these things btw. That is the best thing about this place. Hang in there !

Tom

I had a short conversation with my W on Wed to make a time to talk about our goals and future. She seemed stressed and said we would talk soon. I realized it was bad timing to be asking for anything so I backed off. She said we would make a time to talk the next day. The next day she called to chat and to ask a favor. I agreed to the favor and said I had to go without mentioning OR talk date. I dont want to talk R if she is stressed. Today she called at 8AM and I ignored it. At 11AM she called again and I answered it by accident. oops...She said she only called to chat. I cheerleaded and thanked her then she asked me If I was still going to buy her half of the house equity WHEN we get divorced. I said of course is that what you want? She said yes that she was done with men and she didnt want to be with anyone for a while, She sounded angry so I asked if everything was ok. she said she didnt want to talk about it. Then she started getting mad at me about what I spend my money on. Saying things wernt fair and I have tons of money, go on trips, have fun etc., while she struggles. This isnt true but I didnt say so. for once I only listened. So much so that when she paused there was only silence. I confirmed what she was saying and validated her often nothing more. She said she had to go work on something and hung up. I felt pretty good after that conversation. I felt semi-detached enough to think clearly anyway. I recognized she wasnt really angry with me. I was her friend. I dont think she meant the D thing she was being hurt and upset. After a couple hours I stopped by her office and gave her some $$.
I told her I would have sent her flowers but I thought she would like some $$ since she brought it up as an issue. She wasnt mad any more. She even apologised. Aparently she and OM had a fight and he called her a fat @ss. She is very sensitive to this subj. Huge insecurity of hers. He only said it because he knew it was the worst thing he could have said to hurt her. And it did. I have been telling her she looks great for weeks now and I said it again. I got a real hug and a loving look. I went in for the kiss and struck out. She didnt get mad she just said she cant right now. I told her she is still my W and I hope she stays that way. She told me we would talk about that soon. we said our good byes and I left. In my sitch listening, not debating, validating, and generosity with money are all 180s even the good persuit is a 180. I feel like I handled my self like a DBer today. I feel good about that. I feel bad that my W feelings were hurt by OM today. Oooh the things I would like to do to him. I hope this is a sign of things falling apart with them. He really F#@KED up! If her pattern repeats its self here she wont let him forget it soon either.