It's amazing how much less uptight I've become these past few days; I was really winding myself up! I'm not letting her get under my skin, and she's reciprocating by not trying so hard to pi$$ me off.
Corri, I'm with you; I'm going to try to be more flexible. We may find that "Aha!" house. We found out about one that is just a block away, but a block means a lot in Chicago. She really wanted me to agree to make an offer on a house which she now realizes isn't a good fit at all.
We're off to White Sox vs. Yankees and you may not believe this but it wasn't my idea; it was hers! It's do or die in more ways than one.
Just got back from a short trip. Family and I arrived on Thursday to the airport to find the longest line I had ever seen for security and lots of TV cameras. Needless to say I missed my flight. I had to discretely dispose of some KY jelly that I had in my bag; even while TV cameras were actually photographing the items that people were throwing into the bins! ( I found a less conspicuous bin.)
We took a similar trip last year, and it was a tale of two years. Last year W was so angry at me she didn't speak to me, ostensibly because I wouldn't consider buying a new house or expanding the current one. This year, although she was pretty bored during the trip, we got along quite well. Little sparks that could have ignited big fights just fizzled, as they should in good marriages. She still seems in a good mood today. I'm not doing anything special, just acting normally and trying to cut down on the sarcasm, which unfortunately populates my speech sometimes.
I have been doing the goodbye kiss most chances I get, and that seems to be going well. I tried to give her a squeeze in the hotel room, but she didn't like that so well. I have in the past linked squeezes with sex, and now I wish I could unlink them. Sometimes a squeeze is just a squeeze, ya know.
Quote: Sometimes a squeeze is just a squeeze, ya know.
Yes, the fundamental things apply as time goes by.
And also, as Sigmund said, sometimes a cigar is just a cigar.
BTW, has anyone else noticed that it's old home month on the board? SuperDave drops in, darlingnicky, cinemanymph . . . who's next? NotAtlDave? The Nops? csw?
Yours is another thread I read on vacation and wanted to respond to. You wife sounds a lot like my mother, who is also Japanese and descendent from a noble family (they can trace ancestry back 400 years to a Japanese emperor). For my mom, this ancestry has been nothing but a curse, though you’d never know it by talking to her. She has always been wrapped up in her “Japanese pride” and carrying on the illusion she has in her mind. I think a lot of this is because she was essentially abandoned as a child. Coming from a wealthy pre WWII family, she was raised by a nanny and did not get much attention form her parent. As the youngest, she say her the oldest child, a boy, get all the attention and parade around like he was the next emperor. That set up one major complex in her!
I think part of the reason she married my dad and moved to the US was in rebellion to her parents and to set off on her own. She is very self driven and has a mind to carve her out destiny. One of her teaching to us is to “Be like a canal and not like a river” (meaning don’t follow the easy path like water, rather cut straight through to where you want to go).
Moving to the US has isolated her from feedback she would have had from her family over the years, so she has stayed stuck in the fantasy world of her childhood. She too loves the Japanese feudal romantic TV shows. Her life is a tragic story in many ways. The height of her life was when she was born, when her family was wealthy and had high status. Living in Hiroshima, they lost everything in the bomb (though everyone survived). She still lives well, but is alone, now that her second husband died of cancer a few years ago. So I see her life sort of along the lines of that movie “The Last Emperor.” She believes her destiny should have been to continue the royal heritage, rather than succumb to a normal, everyday, average lifestyle. Your wife seems to hold on to these fantasies too.
I am convinced this background created a narcissist in my mother. She was not like this when I was young. Anger and resentment over the years has set this condition into concrete. Could your wife be following the same path?
As to the question of what your wife wants from you, well, if it is anything like that which my mother always seemed to want in a husband, it is a compassionate caring husband, but also a very alpha male type ala the romantic, Japanese shogun or samurai idolizes in her fantasy. I think my mom really wants the caring and compassion, but since she never got this as a child, she was rationalized this a wanting a noble, stoic, dignified type of man, one not caving in to the weakness of emotion. How far are you from the image of a Japanese shogun or samurai?
My father is from a rural farming community in N. Carolina. He is the very opposite of what she idolizes. So she grew to despise him, seeing him as backward, and in ways like the peasant kids who used to torment her when she was sent to the country as an 8 year old to avoid the danger of air raids over Hiroshima. She really wanted, and still wants, a protector.
Japanese tend to be very caring and nurturing toward their children, but not in a huggy, touchy, feely, kissy way. I am guessing your wife’s family may have been like this too, and possibly less touchy and more stoic since they descend from samurai. So I am guessing your wife may suffer from abandonment issues, but was raised to rationalize her need for security as a sign of weakness, something that samurai are above. Does any of this ring a bell?
Yes, much of this does ring a bell, thanks for the post. There is definitely something regal about my W. Do I in any way resemble a samurai or shogun? Not in any outward way. OK, perhaps not in any inward way, either. She doesn't complain about my being a peasant, she complains about my being a coward. While I have some admiration for the alpha males of the world, I do not take after them, I steer clear of them and I do not wnat my son to become one of them. It is important for males to be confident, but at the same time, they need to think rather than react.
Is my W becoming more of a narcissist over the years? I'm not sure. She, any many of the Japanese I know, are very river-like. They do not go directly, but meander an a very indirect way. W is in many ways a fish out of water here, but as we returned from our trip to Japan this summer, W admitted that she could not live in Japan anymore (whew!)
Right now peace reigns over the mandksdad family. Tomorrow is my b-day, 44, and W has agreed to go to dinner and a concert with me. I think it will be fun.
She doesn't complain about my being a peasant, she complains about my being a coward. While I have some admiration for the alpha males of the world, I do not take after them, I steer clear of them and I do not wnat my son to become one of them. It is important for males to be confident, but at the same time, they need to think rather than react.
Hold on a minute! What does being alpha male have to do with reacting before you think? Confidence is important, yes. Being alpha male is critical. Reacting before you think is not a requirement, in fact the opposite is true in order to be alpha male. Calm assertiveness (in the words of Cesar Milan). Does that sound like reacting before you think?
I am really struck by your wife’s comment that you are a coward. I don’t know how she evaluates cowardice, but her perception says something, as does your statement that you don’t want your son to be alpha. What is this all about?
It sounds to me like she is saying she is attracted to confident, alpha men. There are many ways for you to portray this without crossing over into physical aggression. Japanese men do it all the time. They’re a lot of bluff. It may be important to not show an aversion being alpha in front of your wife. Where does your timidity toward aggression come from? Could this be a FOO issue for you to work through?
She complains less about my being a coward than before. There is a remnant of excessive conflict avoidance in my character, but it is usually dormant. It does occasionally come to the surface, though. A classic example is when we are travelling. I try to act in such a way as to avoid adding stress to the people who work in the travel industry; W tends to have the attitude that the squeaky wheel gets the oil, so she will enter into a somewhat confrontational discussion with a gate agent, for instance, just as a flight is about to take off. Very frequently she is in the wrong or does not have a clear understanding of the issue at hand. (She basically became an Obatarian at age 35.) The worst blowups occur when she insists that I argue her point on her behalf, even when I do not agree with her opinion, do not understand her opinion, or feel that the time is inappropriate.
I am working on "Calm Assertiveness" but it is a lifelong struggle.
HD, I got no b-day sex but I got a good dinner and saw a nice performance with W. We talked a lot. Our anniversary's coming up (9/11) so I'll try again for a couple's night out.
Cobra has a Japanese mom, so he may read Japanese "manga" magazines. An "Obatarian" is a Japanese woman, usually over 50, who has basicallly discarded all remnants of civility and traditional femininity. She is selfish and cheap. Of course my W only shows her Obatarian side occasionally. When describing an Obatarian moment, it is common to finish with, "Can you believe she would do such a thing?"
but I got a good dinner and saw a nice performance with W. We talked a lot. Our anniversary's coming up (9/11) so I'll try again for a couple's night out.