Well, H's short visit is quickly coming to an end. He wants to get back down to his parents to visit an old friend and have a couple more days at his parents before he flys back. He says he'll be leaving Wednesday or Thursday.
I have to work today and will be home Tuesday and Wednesday. So I guess it's getting close to time to get my thoughts together if I am going to talk to H about stuff. I don't know. I just feel frozen by the weight of everything. I don't know what I should do. I know I can't ask him for any information. Basically I can only give him information. But, what information?
WCW, RonJon, I've read over both your posts several times and just don't even know what to say. I'm just frozen and lost. There has been very little intimacy between H and I besides sex. We've had a few fun moments. Been very polite with each other. But, no ILYs, no "us" time. Based on H's comments it looks like he assumes I will be here for a long time. He's been making all kinds of comments about major home improvement projects, S4 going to school here, where he thinks I should apply for jobs locally, even a comment about "the next" baby. But how can his assumptions be that off base? He backed off on us being together as a family with what sure as hell sounded like a second bomb. I think he seriously thinks I will do this for years to come. Maybe that's all I've proved to him by not filing for D myself and opening up to a long distance relationship. I've proved that he doesn't have to do anything to keep me on a string.
How do I tell him that I don't intend to be here for much longer, one way or the other, without making it a threat. Should I really just jump him one day and tell him I have a job offer on the west coast I want to take? But, what use does it do to tell him what I'm thinking. I'm afraid to because he'll use it against me somehow. My job application papers have been spread all over the kitchen counter where they've been for weeks. I haven't done anything to hide anything (besides keeping my mouth shut).
I know I need to think about this objectively and get my thoughts together, but I'm just so tired. It really has always been this way with H, just in differing degrees. He doesn't feel a need to be alone with me, S4 will always come after H's parents home and I will always come after S4, H refuses to give me information I need to make decisions about my own life. I'm so tired. Yet it's going to be very hard to see H go. Because I don't know when I'll see him again or if we'll even be married when I do.
Quote: Should I really just jump him one day and tell him I have a job offer on the west coast I want to take?
No. IMO, that is in effect dropping your own bomb.
The time may not be yet, but I think you should lay it out on the table before you get to the "bomb/point of no return" stage for yourself.
Ask for what you want.
Spell it out specifically to him. Right down to detailing examples of the sort of quality time you need.
Give him the opportunity to step up, but at the same time, know when you do this that he may do exactly what he's done in the past when given ultimatums. Make sure you let him know that you want all these things with him, but that you can't live in suspended animation with him anymore.
One question, when you guys talk about serious things, does he do better through email, on the phone, or in person?
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
I just got a very interesting email that may be the perfect opening to a conversation with H...maybe it's a sign?
I started applying for jobs on the west coast three weeks ago and my first inquiry was into an editor job a friend of mine told me about. I emailed the managing editor asking if I could send my resume and supporting material as attachments and never heard back. So I scratched it from my list, but the editor just emailed me and said my message was misdirected and that he wants me to send my resume. I used to work for the friend who told me about this position is she is also a friend of this editor. I'm trying not to get excited, but there is a chance here, and out of the 6 positions I've applied for so far, this is the one I could really get worked up about.
So anyway...I guess I could tell H that my friend recommended me for this job and the editor now wants me to send my resume and what does H think about all that? That may be making it out to look like I have more of a chance at the position than I do. But on the other hand, it would make him more likely to really consider the idea of me moving.
C'mon Opti, in the past he has not been supportive of your career (AK) and he's thinking that you'll be there where you are long-term (house projects). When you think about it, he probably wouldn't give a positive response if you ask him what he thinks of it. Too much information too soon. Need to find a way to ease him into it, as far as he knows, you're happy with the situation as it exists. What were your (pl) expectations upon M and before where you are now? Have you talked at all about plans for the future? How long does he expect the current situation to go on? What about his next assignment? You have to let him know if you are happy with the way things are or not and if not, what would make you happier. That may better set up the move west announcement than just coming out with it. Wishing you the best of luck as always, RonJon
P.S. In rereading my message, it sounds a little brutal at times. It isn't meant to be. I know you like input that makes you think about things in a different way so I'm trying to play the devil's advocate a bit here to change up your thought processes. It may look like a big ole 2x4, but it's made out of that featherlight balsa wood.
IMO, even innocuously bringing the west coast up like that will likely backfire. We're talking about the man who was threatened by your separate life while you were living together. The fact that you're looking for jobs XXX miles away from where you live now and are considering picking up and starting over again will send him running back into the hole.
I think you need to settle this one way or another with your H independently of a cross country move. I think that if you intertwine the two he will view it as manipulation. I also think that you're trying to become a preemptive WAW because you feel him slipping away.
I know you're not happy with your job and your location as is, but make sure you're looking at moving right now for the right reasons. Just like your problems didn't stay in Alaska when you fled there, they'll follow you to the Pacific Ocean too.
You said there hasn't been much intimacy during his visit--are you contributing to that at all? I know you're probably feeling guarded at the possible second bomb earlier this month. But, do you think that the lack of connection you're feeling with him could be due to you holding back and he's reacting by taking the cue from you?
What if for these last 2-3 days you act as if? Act as if you're estatic to see him. Act as if you're going to miss him like crazy. Act as if he's the best thing since sliced bread. Slather on that affirmation he loves. Act as if you would if you weren't afraid of your heart getting broken somewhere down the line.
You have just a few days of face to face time left here. Make the most of it. It may not change the course of the future, but you'll know you've put your all into it.
In my totally uneducated, unprofessional opinion I think you should be the loving, warm, adoring Opti like I just suggested. Then, once you've gotten your bearings back and he's gone I think you should sit down and decide exactly what you want to be happy. Of those things, realistically, what is he capable of fulfilling? What things can you live without providing X, Y and Z needs are met?
Then, when you're ready I would sit down and write a heartfelt email telling him how much you want the two of you to be together but that you can't stay in limbo as a couple who sees each other two weeks out of the year without an end in sight.
Try hard not to make it sound like an ultimatum. Let him know how much you love him and that you want to be his wife, to wake up next to him in the mornings and to be able to look forward to seeing him after work each day. But that the distance these past years is taking it's toll on you and that because it seems like it's going to go on this way forever you feel yourself starting to detach and it's scaring you. That you want to give the two of you a chance to "talk" about your lives and your future and what each of you wants in the future before either one of you gets to the point of not caring at all anymore.
Then, depending on how that all goes, make your decision about relocating. You can still send out resumes and get your feet wet right now, but I think that a move right now without his blessing would be a death sentence on the R as far as he's concerned.
Now, turn off the computer. Go jump your husband and make him feel like the studliest man on the planet. You're taking one for the (mostly) celebite team here, Opti! Do us proud!
Me38,H:38,S:7 Married:6/99 Bomb:7/04 Sep.:5/05 D Filed:3/08;Final 1/10 Piecing:11/09 H moved back:09/10 Current thread: http://tiny.cc/htcty
Hey NNP, nice to know someone is checking up on me!
I haven't been on the boards for a several days. At the last minute I decided to go down with H to his parents. I'm leaving this afternoon and the visit will be over. It's been good and bad. I was sure expecting something different. H still has made absolutely no move to talk about the future, what to do next. The few clues I have are only because H's parents have asked him questions in front of me. I feel like I'm at the end of my rope, but I don't know if I'm strong enough to make the next move.
I'll get back to posting and reading when I get back "home."
