I agree go for your career! You can have the marriage you have now and physically live anywhere. If your H does get his head out of his butt I know for a fact that there are a lot of billets in the Seattle area.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Quote: Do you know for sure he is heading to parents? I agree it all points to that, but you do not know for sure yet, right?
No, you're right I don't know anything rigt now. Except that H could contact me if he wanted to. I don't even know if the big withdrawal from checking was for tickets.
I suppose there is still a possibility that I could be creating this whole situation in my head and he could just be so tied down at work that he can't even talk right now, even though it doesn't look that way.
It's still possible that H could email or call and tell me he's flying into my airport next Thursday. It's possible that he hasn't sunk back into deep depression and anger, I'm just assuming he has because he hasn't contacted me and his last email was careless.
I'm considering calling his mom this weekend if I don't hear from him to find out if he's told her anything. So far she's been an excellent ally and has been very careful to not say anything to H that would make matters worse for me.
I have requested vacation at work and an absence slip into daycare for H's leave, but before too much longer I'm going to have to change all that if I don't hear from H. I wonder how I should spend my vacation time if H doesn't come through. Maybe I'll have to rustle up some job leads and make a trip out west for interviews if I can get them.
Quote: Being quite blunt now (like I haven't already), why are you still married? You've had 3 nice days together in how many years of marriage? Do you WANT to stay married, or do you feel like you are SUPPOSED to stay married?
I need bluntness right now. I've had enough with this pussy-foot'n lifestyle I have to lead now. Although I have to say that I have had way more than 3 nice days with H since we've been married. We had 3 nice days out of the house together when we lived in California. We had many more nice days inside the house, not doing anything. We got along especially well when I was pregnant because I was depressed and tired and didn't want to do anything or go anywhere. H loved that. Aside from refusing to rub my feet, he was very good to me while I was pregnant. But, I made very little demands because I didn't have any energy. And of course, during his last visit we had at least another couple nice days to add on to the tally.
Yes, even though I'm filled with anger and disappointment now, we did have some good times. But rather than feel like I'm SUPPOSED to stay married, I feel like I'm supposed to GET DIVORCED in this situation. I know family and friends all wonder why I'm still married to him.
But, the truth is, I'm still married to him because the gentleness and love between us had returned for a year there. Even though we weren't together, there has been the hope that we will be soon. Because I WANT to be married to him AND be with him. But, when he stops communicating I'm just cut free like a kite in the wind, imagining all sorts of things, desparately wanting to protect myself from what's coming.
But, how do you actually put pen to paper and divorce someone you love and are still in love with? I guess I just need more time to fall out of love. Like the DR book says, love is and act, not a feeling. So maybe I just need enough time of not doing thoughtful things for him and not emailing him or talking on the phone to achieve that. Kind of backwards from DB advice, but I hope it's true. Then maybe I could file myself and really move on.
I am feeling a little better about H's lack of contact. Last night I emailed MIL to see if she had heard from H. I didn't say anything else but that I was wondering if she'd heard from him and I was concerned. She forwarded the last email he sent to her. She said it was in response to an email she sent saying she was worried that she hadn't heard from him in a long time. H's email to her in response was almost identical to the one he sent me a day or two later. It alluded a little more to how many hours he's working right now (meaning any hour that he's not sleeping).
So, I know it's not just me he's not talking to. He said his leave is scheduled to start the middle of next week, but he still doesn't know if he can go. I'm thinking at this very late stage, he probably won't get leave this month.
On another note, I got my "thanks, but no thanks," letter for the job I applied for here. I knew I didn't have a chance, but there is so little available to me in this area, that I had to apply for SOMETHING. But, the letter just made me realize that I need to gear up for a lot of rejection in the coming year. Not to be morbid about it, but it is a natural part of a job search. And of course I'll be dealing with feelings of rejection with H, what ever the outcome there. So, I need to go zen and start sitting with my feelings of rejections and just accepting them for what they are instead of running away from them.
It's been a while since I've been on the roller coaster that everyone else has had to ride. My ride has been pretty steady with such little contact with H, and what contact we have had has been gentle and sweet for the last year.
But, it looks like I've hit the hills again.
Just got a two sentence email from H this morning. "I'm flying into [my parents' airport] on the the 10th, I'll let you know when I get there when I can make it up to [your town]. Give my love to [S4]."
Well, I've been trying to get back on that diet, guess this will help with my appetite. Man, is this day ever going to be hard to get through without bursting into tears. I'll be canceling at least some of the vacation I requested today, since I won't be picking him up at the airport.
I don't know how to react to this. Do I tell him just to pick up his son and take him back down to his parents. Does any kind of benefit of the doubt still exist?
This is NOT where I expected things to go after a year of re-estblishing communications, and talking like we were H & W again.
(((Opti))) It seems H has made his statement. I see 2 things, you have to get thru this leave and you have to decide what comes next after his leave. For the leave, if your time off work is flexible let H make the contact about S4 and all arrangements. If H wants to spend time with S4, are you okay with H taking S4 for a few days or week? How would you feel? and even though he has not stated anything about spending time with you, he did say he would be coming to your town. The other option is to be assertive and let H know you are a family, and you expect family time. If he is not willing to honor that request, tell him not to make the drive to your town. His responses about his leave will lead you to answers about handling life after H returns back to duty.
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
Thanks WCW and NNP for the support. It's good advice not to try to process H's email for 24 hours. I wish I could get it out of my head. I'm just floating around the office today like someone with a bad case of allergies. Swolen sinuses, pinkish, watery eyes. I called my mom from work to ask her if she could watch S4 after work tomorrow so I coult attend my writers group again. I ended up telling her that H was flying into his parents and wasn't even committing to a date to drive up here at this point. I wonder what H's parents think about H flying there instead of here. My mom thinks I should ask her.
MIL has always been a good ally, she says she'll always be on my side. But, she is also a very protective mom and not one to let go of her kids. So, although I really, really would like to know if she thinks its just sweet that H is still so attached to his "home," or if she sees that he's treating S4 and I like step family, I don't want to tread on her loyalties. I probably will end up emailing her again, but I definately need to wait a little bit.
As far as letting H take S4 for a period of time. I would feel horrible about it. I would probably have to get on a plane and go somewhere just to not be alone at the house (and I'm thinking strongly about that). But, I love S4 too much to keep him from his father. So what little attention H manages to give S4, I'm going to make sure he gets it. Unless it becomes disruptive to S4's life. But, I don't know where that line is yet.
Life has been hard for so many years now. It seems like high emotional stress is so normal in my life now. I want it to stop. But, everytime I see light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel seems to get longer.
