Quote: Ya, strongbear or stupid, in denial, head in the sand bear...
All those things are things we can accept as defined by others OR as defined by ourselves. I think one of the greatest lessons of DB and really MANY other philosophical/psychological theories is the lesson of learning to love ourselves and make our own decisions.
Mama, there are MANY people, probably lurking here, that would deem you all those things right now. They probably think you are stupid, niéve, in denial and every other thing associated with being a weak, doormat kind of person.
You COULD choose to think of yourself like that, and many times you and I both DO think like that, but much more of the time we choose to think of ourselves as people who are taking risks, calculated, risks that if they work, could result in a wonderful new marriage where we can grow as people and so can our spouses. IF they don't work, well then we took risks and failed. In any event, we are people of action. Stupid, doormat kinds of people usually are not that.
Take heart Mama, you are simply choosing to define yourself inspire of what other people may think, and you are choosing your own path, something that is VERY difficult to do in sitches like ours when it is SO easy to just give in to your emotions and react to everything he's doing.
Mama, at the end of this road, you'll have the peace of mind to know that you did what you wanted to do. If your marriage ends, you will only be short a few months off the rest of your life and nothing much else because those months will have been spent fighting for something you believe in and growing your own soul along the way.
GH, You are absolutely right. Yes, I am sure lots of people think I am stupid to be putting up with this day after day. Some days, I myself think I am a big idiot.
I have started reading passionate marriage again and it really stresses the importance of being your own person. Controlling yourself and your emotions and being a whole person. I feel that I have come a long way in that department this summer.
I don't really know what's going on inside of my H's head and he doesn't know how to articulate it to me. Whatever, he is still here. That is a big positive. It is my chance to work on myself. With my parents being here I really see myself in both of them and there are a lot of traits that we share that annoy and irritate me. Now if I feel this way, my H probably does too. These are things that I can try to improve in myself, for myself.
Or, I can always try to get some Prozac or something to make me so mellow that I do not react or care about anything - lol
Still getting some harrassment from the OW and just trying to work on my marriage.
****With my parents being here I really see myself in both of them and there are a lot of traits that we share that annoy and irritate me. Now if I feel this way, my H probably does too. These are things that I can try to improve in myself, for myself.
That is very insightful. Worst case scenario it sounds like you are on your path to being a better person and a better mother.
This afternoon we moved my B and his family into their new house. My H acted like my "old H". I really think that things will eventually work out with us. I hope so anyway.
Like I said before, IF he is still involved with OW it is because he does not know how to break it off with her without hurting her, because he is a sensitive and caring man. I'm ok with that.
I will continue to eradicate those traits of my parents that I feel that I have - goodbye smothering mother, goodbye bossy, no-it-all dad....
That being said, overall today was a good day. We both loved my brother's new house. Both of us were a little jealous of him actually because when H and I met, I already had a house and he moved in. Then when our family outgrew the house my dad offered us his house (for very little money) and we took it. We both said we wished we could have looked for and purchased a house together, that we both loved.....
Anyway, my attitude is much better these past few days, so that is a good thing!!!
Quote: Anyway, my attitude is much better these past few days, so that is a good thing!!!
And since it's ALL about YOUR attitude anyway, that's a VERY good thing Mama. I am so glad today finds you feeling better. It's a grind for sure but eventually, one way or another, I believe we'll get to stop grinding and get to just enjoy this life we're fighting so hard for.
Mama, hate to ask this again, but aside from late nights coming home, what makes you think there is OW again? He said that he hung out in bars alone....what else is there?
Ok, so I guess a man can go that long. I personally know that a woman can too...
Today kids and I spent the day at my brother's new place with my parents. I tried to call H once around 5:30 - no answer. We stayed until 8:00. Got home around 8:10. H was not home. Needless to say I was starting to feel very angry. H came home at 8:30. Apologized for being so late and not calling. Said he worked late then wemt out for a couple of beers. He said he lost his cell phone, thinks he left it in the Uhaul yesterday.
He was asking tons of questions about my day and was talking my ear off. While I was making him something to eat he says, "come here" and gives me the longest tightest hug ever, massaging my back and everything. I ask "what is this for" and he says just because. I'm starting to feel things differently. I know longer "feel" the OW in the picture. I think H is really trying, he is trying to rekindle feelings for me that he once had. I really think DB'ing is working. You have to realize that as devasted that you are, it is not just about you. You MUST consider how your spouse may be feeling. Just my 2 cents for today.
Quote: You have to realize that as devasted that you are, it is not just about you. You MUST consider how your spouse may be feeling.
I agree 100%...as hurt a I was(understatement of my real feelings)I couldn't believe that there wasn't some horrible internal pain that my H had that "allowed" him to do something so terrible to his family...it allowed me to have empathy for him even though I had my own pain...
