Quote: My kids are still small, so as far as they are concerned Daddy & I love eachother and will continue to provide stability and security for them.
Yea, I feel the same way. I know people here have said "They KNOW what's going on even if you don't think they do." Really? My S6 & S3 see NOTHING different going on between mommy and daddy than before. We NEVER kissed in front of them before and we don't now. We didn't ML with them in the room, and we don't now. We never said ILY in front of them (W has never been one to vocalize that particular sentiment) and we don't now. We still hug, cuddle, kiss on the cheek, do things for each other, etc, just like always. I can assure you that if I or my W were to say we were ending things, it would come as a total shock to them, and for that matter, most of our family. That's one of the reasons it's SO hard to contemplate a unilateral move to separate or file. Things ARE good to a point right now, surely better than they were when W decided to have an affair, and so why should I give up now? I don't want to give up. I want to make this work, and eventually, I want my W to want that too. I THINK she does now, but I am willing to wait to be sure.
My kids ARE a major motivation for me to work my a$$ off and they will always be. Are they enough to make me suffer a passionless/sexless marriage forever? I don't think so, but forever is a long time.
A few thoughts. First, I was/am(?) a control freak. I think at some point we all just have to let things go. After all, what is more important, whether some household chore is done the way you like or that your family is happy?
In conversations with my H, I've learned that my control over most household activities made him feel like I was treating him like a child and that he wasn't good enough.
Instead I've replaced my criticisms with compliments. Let me tell you, this has gone a long way towards repairing our M.
Also, as one of the few here on these boards w/out any kids, I would suggest that our WASs come back for us or not at all. That is not to say that children do not factor into the equation but I think they are secondary.
And for what it's worth, I think it is very important to be affectionate towards each other in front of your kids. Obviously there is a limit. But, while I hate that my parents are so into each other and don't particularly want to see them eying each other in the kitchen, I also secretly love that at age 60+ my parents still really dig each other and obviously turn each other on.
Hi All, I am feeling a little anxious today. I just want this to be OVER!!
Saturday, as I said, we had a block party. It started at 3:00. H did not get here until 3:30 (don't forget that he gets off of work around noon). Pulls up, not in his work clothes but shorts, shirt and flip flops. I was angry but contained it. I was also embarrased as one of my best friends who is my next door neighbor seen him slinking in and my B and SIL were also here to witness. Neither one of them said anything to me but I know that my friend thinks I am crazy to still be "putting up" with this.
We ended up having a really good time. There is a new bean bag game that is all the rage here and we all played the whole night. H was very kind and attentive to me and we genuinely had fun. He and the kids went in to bed around midnight. I stayed out longer with some friends then ended up sitting and talking with my neighbor and her H. We all had pretty much to drink at this point and her H let it slip that my H confided something in him during the party but he could not tell me what. UGG!!!
Yesterday, we spent the day together as a family. Didn't do too much as everyone was pretty tired. I asked my neighbor to please try to get her H to tell her what my H said if it was going to affect my life. She said she would try but he is very good friends to my H and very loyal.
Wondering what he may have said to him has made me a basket case. This could be the first piece of honest information about what the heck is going on with my H.
Today when I left I saw him take his duffel bag (carries it back and forth everyday) out of our bedroom closet. It is usually downstairs so I am now wondering why it was "hidden" up there. He also had a pair of shorts, shirt and sandals in his hand. He knows I saw this as I was getting a drink of water as he was leaving. Why does he suddenly need a change of clothes everyday?
I am feeling so insecure, hurt, frustrated and angry that this is what has happened to my M. My husband has turned in to a lying, manipulative and sneaky person. Qualities he never had when we first met and qualities that I do not like in a person.
For those of you who have read DR there is a story in it about "Carol and Dean", I reread it this morning and it is very similiar to my situation. I really want to ask my H what is going on but if he is still involved with OW this will get me nothing but more lies therefore I am going to have to stay busy and back off.
My parents are coming in town today and will be here all week so this morning I will be cleaning like a crazy person. My B and SIL, 20 month old nephew and their dog will also be spending the night here tomorrow - so busy will be an understatment.
I need a little support and encouragement today to hang on and keep fighting for my marriage if anyone would like to chime in. Or if you think I should talk to H, how should I approach him so that he doesn't get defensive and withdraw and to get him to open up and start telling me the truth (for once).
Thanks RB. It just is really starting to take a toll on me. I pretty much know that any R talk initiated by me will just get me more frustrated. It is just that when he is here is so so sweet. He holds doors open for me. He picks me up books and magazines that I like to read or a Starbucks. We hang out together and have fun.
Like I having been saying, from the outside looking in, people would think we were a happy couple with a happy family.
This morning, since I was up, he hugged me goodbye and said he would be home early afternoon to help me around the house with things. Can someone really live this dual personality forever? I do have to say that things are much better than they were six months ago but...it is no where near where it should be. I HATE being suspicious all of the time. I HATE not trusting him. Is this how it will feel with my kids when they are teenagers? If it is, I am going to have many more sleepless nights.
I know it's hard, and I also know I am one to talk since I am full of "good philosophy" when things are good and my PMA leaves me quickly when things are down, but I really think this is another case where nothing has changed in a sitch yet your MIND is perceiving that it has.
The bottom line is that if he leaves you, or you leave him, you'll have plenty of time to...well...do whatever. This time you are spending, admittedly happy time by all accounts, is taking time from your life, yes, but in a way it is GIVING time to your kids where they have two parents in their life, seeming to love each other. I am NOT saying that's a good thing to continue on indefinitely, just that you deciding that you've had enough this morning, or yesterday, or two days from now is perfectly valid, but MAYBE unreasonable.
I DO believe you have the duty to yourself to draw a line at some point but as I always say (actually Michelle says...) if you are not ready for BOTH responses to an ultimatum, or in this case, his reaction to your decision to "give up" then maybe it's not time to do it.
On the other hand, many people (shippd being the most recent one to come to mind, Tim before him, and many others between) have only been able to spark the REAL change in their spouses by exactly that, giving up. I STILL don't advocate that as a technique because if you are still considering the options, I don't think you're ready for that. In both shippd & Tim's cases, I think there WERE no options for them anymore. They had no more patience, no more desire to fight. It just so happened that their finally walking away caused their W's to walk towards them. I truly think it could go either way in many cases.
I know I am giving you mixed signals. It's because I think there IS progress being made and I think there are other things you can do other than have it be "over". I don't necessarily think an R talk is what you need, but then again, if it's R talk or "over" I choose R talk.
The thing that kills me, mainly because my W did the same damn thing, is that he keeps telling you "It's not what you think", etc. BS. If it's not what you think, then why doesn't he explain what it IS so you aren't a basket case every day?
Short of him doing that, I do think that if you decide to ride things out for awhile longer, you have only to look at your own posts lately where you talk of your PMA and doing things for yourself and your kids. If you want this, make it something you want for you. Stop paying so much attention to him. Stop letting things get in the way of what you describe as generally good times with him. If he's truly going, let him go with open arms, a smile on your face and the understanding that you acted with love and kindness towards a person who once deserved it... and may live to regret not giving it back.
I believe in you. Please keep believing in yourself.
Mama....I can sure feel your pain and anxiety...my first gut reaction was to activate GPS on his phone without his knowledge and track his general movements online (yes, I did this....$15 a month was far less then a PI)...my next gut reaction was to rent a car and wait outside his work for him to leave and tail him.....my third gut reaction is to take him aside....give him a few strong drinks then just come out with the "cut the crap" talk....siting that his "friend next door" spilled the beans and you want to hear it from him....from his mouth....you deserve to have the truth and to make decisions based on that....you don't want to be with him if he is choosing to be with another person....there are so many reasons for this but not the least of those is STD's....and no one every plans to get those....no one would sleep with someone who had one....yet they keep getting spread around....because people aren't being honest...
Mama...I really don't know what to say....I think I would be ready to cut bait or fish if I were in your shoes...if he enjoys your company, spends the night with you, loves his children....then he just might make the right choice...if not immediately...eventually....
You have a lot on your plate for this next week....I think I would just pray for now...get through the family visits...then decided what you NEED to do for YOU...
(If he has a cell phone that is fairly new and you can access his account....or create one for him online then you can activate the GPS....I can tell you this gave me peace of mind because at least I could KNOW where he was....but you have to be true to you and be able to live with the answers you get (*(*(*(*(*(HUGS)*)*)*)*)*)
I know you know where I stand on what ImLIN is advising. All I can say, is once again, there are MANY different ways to deal with these situations. You can confront the cheater, you can decide not to. You can contact the OP, or not. You can move out, or not. You can ask them to leave, or not. You can file for divorce, or not. You can snoop, or not. You can obsess over the affair, or not. You can make ultimatums, or not... and ALL of these things, each opposite, is advocated by SOME expert, website or book. It's up to US to decide which path to take.
DB advocates a path that includes, among other things, NO snooping, NO obsessing over the affiar, NO confrontation, NO ultimatums, etc. This is NOT the most walked path to be sure, but then again, with divorce so prevalant in the world, maybe THIS is the path more people need to walk, who knows.
Anyway, Mama, while I disagree STRONGLY with the idea that somehow knowing more "truth" would help you in some way right now (mainly because I think you KNOW the truth, or all you NEED to know in terms of where YOU stand), ESPECIALLY if you have to snoop to find out, I do agree that at SOME point there will come a time when H will have to fess up. I would just hope, for your sake that it's sooner rather than later. You deserve THAT for sure.
Hi GH and Lin, I am such a mess today. I should be cleaning before the family arrives but I cannot stop obsessing over my sitch. I pulled out Love Must be Tough and reread a few pages.
Although the GPS thing sounds enticing, I don't think I could actually do it. Only because it is such an invasion, I would hate it if someone did it to me. But that is not to say I won't use it in the future.
I know now is not a good time for a talk with the family here and all so I have to muster all of my strength and hang tough for 1 more week. I must be the better person. I will try to be upbeat and happy and operate my life out of love, honesty and integrity. I will not wallow in self pity and feel sorry for myself.
You know GH, I have told him repeatedly that the cage door is open - he just won't leave... So if he is to stay I really want a commitment to work on our R and I don't feel I have that either. Here is where I remain in limbo. Like the song says, "Should I stay or should I go now, if I stay it will be trouble and if I go it will be double......" don't remember the name but I think it is the Violent Femmes.
Mama...and GH...perhaps I didn't word it correctly when I initially posted...I am not recommending you do anything that you don't feel comfortable with....I am not meaning to tell you what to do...only how I felt when my H was gone and I didn't know if he was alive or dead....with her or at his apartment....Heck, he had me convinced he was sleeping on his office floor when he really had an apartment (thinking that made me feel like such an aweful person that my H would prefer a cold, hard, office door to home)....I was just stating that for me it did bring peace of mind and eventually I did quit obsessing and shut off the GPS....
For me though, if my H were coming home to my bed I would certainly need to know if he were "parking" his penis somewhere else on the way home....this is a life or death matter in my mind....even now intimacey is very limited with my H because we are awaiting his STD panel tests...while SHE told him she was tested clean, H couldn't guarantee to me that she was and in return that he STILL was....
This is my personal opinion....take it for what it is worth....but if I suspected my husband was STILL ACTIVELY having an affair I would NEED to know so that I could protect myself and my children appropriately...it isn't that I would necessarily file for divorce and kick him out but it is for darn sure some talking and decisions and agreements would have to be made.....like when I found out I told my H that he was not to share utensils, straws, drinking glasses or anything else of that nature with our son....Herpes can be present on the mouth and live virus can be shed prior to and without symptoms....I didn't want to have him infect our son and have him live his life blemished because of his father's misdeeds...
I also think if he is willing to say "It isn't what you think." then he should be willing to tell you both what he thinks your thinking (he could be using this to ease his own guilty conscience and feel he isn't lying)....and then to tell you what the heck he really is doing! and what he THINKS he is doing.....
For me, personally, some confrontation worked good...I think he needed to know that I had values and limits....that I would not remain a door mat for him because of the children or out of my own need...I had to SHOW him I could be strong!
In the end, things seem to be working out....he is home now...there is no OW in his life but me....and we are both working together for the better of our own relationship and that of our family...
Mama...I do agree that you need to take care of you...that you need to be ready for what ever you decide to do...you are a strong woman...
Now, get cleaning....enjoy your family visits....and say your prayers when the burden starts building up on you... I would even pray that the neighbor would feel a twinge of conscience and tell me what H told him....
