Strongbear JMO, I think he IS connecting. He is connecting by being at the house. He is connecting by the note he left you. He is connecting by spending time with the family.
Is that right? Is that fair to you? NO But I think he is trying to connect in ways other than phyisically with you. I did/am doing the same thing now.
I feel bad for everything I have done. I don't feel like I deserve that little kiss or hug from my wife.
I did hug her this morning, but that took a month for me to do. She initiated it.
Jokerman, I thank God everyday for meeting you here. Thru you I can truley understand how my H may be feeling. Others may think I am immature or superficial for thinking this, but I don't care.
I want to reconnect with my H, I really do. I just don't know how. I feel like we both are afraid, afraid of rejection and hurt and neither of us knows how to move forward. He really is trying, I really believe that. Like when he read the birthday card outloud that I gave him, he thanked me several times. He said it was so thoughtful and it meant alot to him.
I'm just afraid of being stuck. Of being in a loveless marriage. Yes, we are great friends, this I know but how do we move forward. Any advice from your perspective would REALLY be appreciated. Not to mention the fact the I hate shaving my legs everyday in anticipation that tonight will be the night....just kidding
OK this is strange. Really strange. I am giving you advice that I would love to give to my own W and myself, but just can't. It's like the preacher who can save so many souls but not his own. Nonetheless....
I would give anything for my wife and I to go somewhere...a little hole-in-the-wall bar, a place on the lake, whatever... and just have a heart to heart talk. Talk about everything. Talk about what we like, what we don't, what we can improve on, what our future holds.
As much as you feel in limbo, your H does too. TRUST ME. After the newness of the affair wears off you are caught. You have feelings for the OW and don't want to hurt her, and you have feelings for your life back and home. You feel trapped and in limbo.
Also, just like an addiction, the allure of the OW is not as strong as time goes by, but you keep going back. Why??? B/C you hope that you will get that same feeling you did when it all first began. Like a drunk who has hit rock bottom, but still says, "one more drink and I'm done." That one "last" drink is never as good as the first.
I think your H is at this point. If y'all do have a friendship, maybe y'all can just sit down and have heart to heart. Let him know he has unconditional support. Let him know what you will change. Let him know what you want him to change. Give him hope for his future. Make him EXCITED about his life and the future with you and your family. He is in limbo too.
Just my 2 cents. Strongbear. You know your situation better than me. Take it with a grain of salt.
Also head over to Lael situation and give her support if you have the chance. I think you gave her good advice on my thread, but I think she needs more encouragement. I can't give her the advice she needs. You can.
MB, I have to remind you that at least your H is telling you ILY, even if it's only in writing. There is something significant in that. I don't have an H who will say that anymore (in any form), and I miss it so much, even though we're Piecing. sigh.
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Quote: I would give anything for my wife and I to go somewhere...a little hole-in-the-wall bar, a place on the lake, whatever... and just have a heart to heart talk. Talk about everything. Talk about what we like, what we don't, what we can improve on, what our future holds.
I would give anything for this. Unfortunately, my H has a hard time talking about his feelings with me. Although he loves me he has lost the "in love" feeling and doesn't want to hurt me by telling me this. He also is no longer attracted to me, probably because of the lingering attraction to the OW. (FYI, because of all of this I actually look better than ever, lost 25 lbs. and now wear a size 2. I'm tan and I try to work out as much as I can. As a matter of fact my D9 has started borrowing some of my tanks and shorts)
Quote: Make him EXCITED about his life and the future with you and your family. He is in limbo too.
Ok, this is where I am going to have to get really creative. Sometimes life is so predictable, you do the same thing day in and day out. This is where I need some help. How do I make things exciting? Any suggestions for excitment on a shoestring budget with very little babysitting resources.
AH HA!...Mamabear....I can give you some ideas on this one...
Ok...not sure what ages your kids are but these are some things I have done in the past...and even because things are tight (although I no longer need babysitters I have BTDT)
One idea is to have a "car date"...after the kids go to bed go get in the car....turn on the radio....and imagine you are on a lovers lane somewhere...you don't have to get all hot and sweaty....sounds like you two need some reconnecting to take place...
So how about a cheap bottle of good wine (is that an oxymoron?)....I like Pinot Grigio...Trader Joe's (if you have one near you) sells a pretty good one for only $2.99...Or for that matter share a bit Steel Reserve beer...or take that bottle of rum and make him a maitai....
Maybe make a plate with some fruit, cheese, and crackers...or what ever snack you like
Listen to the music...and start telling him your dreams...ones that include him...snuggle up to him a little...
When my H first came home he was very standoff-ish...I just kept reaching out to him....giving him hugs....pecks on the cheek....I told him it made me feel good I really hoped it made him feel good...after time passed I did mention to him that it was ok for him to hug ME...or kiss ME first...
It took some time (I think he wanted it to seem like his idea and not something I asked/told him to do....that rebelious spirit again)....but now he initiates hugs, kisses me good bye...or hello...rubs my head when we are in bed...and I will stop their for the sake of the children, lol...
Anyway my point is you have to keep the ball rolling...don't give up...as long as they "allow" you hug them and kiss them....keep doing it....eventually they have to come around...
Another suggestions...and, yes I did this too...write an erotic story of the two of you....make it hot hot hot... very detailed...and maybe leave it in his sock drawer... then act "as if"....it will get him thinking...it will remind him that he had a hot wife and that just maybe...she can be hotter then any OW could hope to be... My story involved, candles, shower, hot fudge and whipped cream.....just to give you an idea....
I don't know if you have a fireplace or not but just sitting by a fire (when the weather is cool again) and sipping hot tea...listening to his heart beat...is nice.... you don't have to go out and spend a lot of money...you don't have to get babysitters...um, but a bedroom lock might not be a bad idea, lol
Thanks Lin, Great ideas. Don't know if you have been following me long but I recently traded in my minivan for a mustang convertable - sitting in the parked car sounds like a great idea - drinks, snacks and music are all things that we both enjoy, not to mention the fact that he REALLY likes the car.
We do have a fireplace, an outdoor one too, although the past few days the temp has been 100+ so we may have to hold off on that for a while.
I'll have to think about the erotic story, although that would be VERY 180 for me.
As far as a bedroom lock, we definitely need one, ours is broken. Last night I woke up to find S4, D10, 1 golden retriever and 1 cat in the bed with us. I was on the far right edge and H was on the other. Very romantic, huh?
****How do I make things exciting? Any suggestions for excitment on a shoestring budget with very little babysitting resources.
That's the big question. Others can probably help you out with this better than me. Plus what is exciting for one person may not be for another.
One thing about affairs is that they are exciting. Once you have decided to or begin breaking it off, you miss that excitment. That is why I got so depressed when my w said she wanted things the way they were. Hearing that made me miss the exciting times with the OW.
Hopefully my w and I will get to the point where we can work to keep the excitment in our M. Even if you cannot execute any of these exciting things now, it is fun to talk about with your spouse. It will give him hope.
Oh gosh I could think of tons of fun things to do with a convertable and an outdoor fireplace(when it cools down of course)
You could start in the driveway so you could look at the stars....later you might need to move into the garage so the fireworks don't alert the neighbors attention...
And that out door fireplace....how romatic to sit out there on a nice evening...sipping sumpin' good....roasting hot dogs....then making smores....getting a little sticky with each other....keep a sleeping bag and maybe even camp out..
And for goodness sakes get that door lock!!!
You can be exciting...that is what I started telling myself...and I soon became exciting...
I had to get creative too....now even though I have a job I don't make much money...so I do mystery shopping...we get gourmet dinners...and coming up I get to stay in a 5 star hotel and order room service one night...it is beautiful, near the beach....they have Egyptian cotton sheets and down comforters with down pillows....marble bathrooms...awwwww, I can hardly wait for the moonlight stroll down the beach with my H...
So look into mystery shopping....you have to pay for whatever but you get reimbursed so I have a little kitty set aside that the money goes into ....I use that for our fun...and then I get it back to use another...I consider myself the OFFICIAL Queen of Recycling Money now.....lol
