Just want to chime in here, from everything I have read, and everything I know in my heart on this "family" issue. I am the lynch pin in our family. I am the one who holds it together, who makes the family a family. I'll never forget when H said to me, "I feel sorry about what is happening to the family" and I complained to my good friend on the phone, that he cared about my D's but not about me. She said (good friend that she is) "You ARE the family. He just can't say he misses you, that he feels bad about what he's done to YOU. He feels too guilty. It's just too painful to face." Then my C said, "He's afraid he will see that look on your face again. The one he will never forget, when he told you about the A, and he saw all that pain. He can't even begin to take responsibility for that right now. But make no mistake, he misses YOU and feels bad about what he has done to YOU." Do you get this? Without us, there is no family. Heck my H changed HIS last name when we got M. He became part of our family. We made a commitment circle during our wedding. He is afraid. But he knows, he misses me, doesn't want to lose me. Even when he is not present to his love for me, he knows this. I am sure. And even though my H is challenging the "rules" right now, he knows that OW and I are not compatible entities - one of us is going to have to go at some point. I am banking on the fact that it will be OW!!!
I am not sure at what point I will need to force a decision. I am hoping I will not have to at all, that H will choose on his own, because he will get that his life is not better this way. I am banking on the fact that the MLC fog will lift, or that something in H's life will force him to choose to make a change. He will see something he does not see right now. I am trusting divine timing, and meanwhile I must have patience. This is the hardest thing.
The toughest thing about your sitch, MamaBear, IMHO, is that your H is not being honest. That is the focus area I am working on with H becuase it is so important to me. It is the bottom line for me, and I believe it will be the deal-breaker. I am banking on the fact that H's integrity matters to him so much, that he will not be able to live a lie for too much longer, and that he will see that OW is OK living as a liar. I would bet my bottom dollar that that will be the eye-opener. Anyway, MamaBear, if I were you, I would look deep in yourself, and figure out what the real deal-breakers are here - for you. What is it that you need to know, to make sticking it out worth it? Then focus and observe that. And most of all, be the best you can be in that area. For me, if I want H to be the honest H that I have known him to be, I need to be honest, I need to be impeccable with my integrity (focus on cleaning stuff up in my life - space, relationships, etc.) and then I need to be a safe space for H to come clean and recommit to his truth. That is my current focus. What's your # 1 issue to focus on? Then focus on that, in yourself, and see what happens.
Remember, is is not about OW. It is never about OW. It is about our M. What in the M needs attention. Focus on that, and focus on what you can do in your life, to make that better. BTW, the kids will be best off when they see you growing and working on yourself. At a certain age, you can even share with them a philosophical value you are focusing on, and then they will support you in that conversation also. My D was amazing in this way when she was 7 - 10 years old. Kids love to be inspired and challenged to grow in values-based conversations.
My two cents. Hang in there - I love you MamaBear.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
TSO posted something on my thread that may or may not be applicable, but I think it takes the focus off of the affair and the root of the problem. Take it for what is worth. It meant a lot to me.
Quote: What's important: Recognize why you ran in the first place. Identify what it is that you need to be happier in your marriage. Then ask for it. Identify what it is to make your wife feel happier in the marriage. Then do it. Do NOT go outside of the M/R to get your emotional needs met. Period.
I do agree that as long as your H is with the OW, your marriage will not be healed.
I want to add to that so much more, but that will get into marital advice. I can't do that.
I love this board!! I can put my feelings out there and get so much support, advice and inspiration!! It keeps me hanging on another day!!
I personally think we had a pretty good marriage except that the frequency of our sex life was lessened once the kids came along. We were married on Valentine's Day 1994 and between that time and 2001 I was pregnant 6 times (2 misscarriages, D10, D9, 1 stillborn, S5) Needless to say between the trama going on in my body and my head, 2 babies 16 months apart, losing a baby, etc. it left little time for sex. I am not trying to make excuses but just want you to understand that I am not some frigid wife whose poor H HAD to have an A in order to get his needs met. He could of had a little compassion for ME and talked to me about how neglected he felt. But alas.....here I am.
So if I were to focus on our sex life, I would, except for the fact that my H is not interested. Any advice
That being said, my H has also told me that I am controlling. Now I must admit that I am but I feel that I have to be. I am the glue that keeps this family running. I am a stay at home mom therefore I take on everything. Kids, cooking, cleaning, pets, yardcare, bill paying, food shopping, dr. appts., etc., etc. I run a pretty tight ship (Type A fixer personality) therefore you could call me "controlling" but I feel if I don't take care of these things no one would. If I stopped doing any one of these things it would just sit. We would have nothing to eat, we would run out of toilet paper, the laundry would pile up to the ceiling......Any advice here
My H was often disatisfied with the frequency of our sex life. I did point out that if he was away from home 4 nights a week, working late another night and we looked after his D8 2 weekends a month, there wasn't a whole lot of 'us' time left.
To be honest though, now I just wish I'd validated his fears, rather than trying to persuade him things would be ok.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
Jokerman, just read runningoutoftime's link you posted here. GREAT stuff. Really opened my eyes this morning (that and the coffee).
Ok, looks like last night I was having a little pity party for myself. That's ok. Now I am back to being strong again. Not only for myself, but especially for my kids!!! In running's post it was interesting that she said "kids don't know we are in a "loveless" marriage, until they are well into adulthood" My kids are still small, so as far as they are concerned Daddy & I love eachother and will continue to provide stability and security for them.
Quote: I think the reason he doesn't want to be with me is because he is with "her". He is a one woman man, always has been. (At least he has that much going for him) I think he will feel like he is cheating on HER if he is with me. I know it may sound crazy but that is how I feel
Well, my W has said as much, even saying that she felt guilty for "cheating" on OM when she was romantic with me.
So I don't think it's crazy at all.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
I think my H's the same. He cut off any physical contact quite abruptly. When I later learned about the OW, it made sense that he had started seeing her at that point. My coach says I should try to get him to cheat on her with me. Kind of odd, but I'm going to run with it.
You cannot teach a man anything; you can only help him discover it in himself. Galileo Galilei
hmmmm....just a few thoughts for what they worth here...
Mamabear....I can understand the whole sexual cool off for you....you had a lot on your plate for sure....but I think it happens to many of us...and you're right, not an excuse and if H had of talked to me I would have seen his point...which I did when he had an EA 8 yrs. ago....I kicked up the sexual heat then and maintained....I learned to find me again...
Now for the controlling part....you know what, I did that too and it drove him crazy....I would even tell him which way to go when we were driving....when the light turned green....if he was going to fast/slow....if he should pass someone or not....when we could spend money and when we couldn't....when he had to go to the doctor/dentist/eye doctor....I felt like if I didn't stay on top of things it would all fall apart....instead our relationship fell apart!!! suprise!!!...he said he felt like he was an idiot...that he didn't know how to drive, take care of his own money, take care of his own health...and he rebelled!!!
Our counselor that we saw 3 times after the break-up told me to remember I was his wife....not his mother....that he was responsible for himself....and I had to let him be...then I realized on my own when I started to really look at how "I" was in the relationship....so what if he goes a different way if we get there....so what if he sits at a green light (someone else can honk)....so what if he decides to pass or not pass....in otherwords if I want to drive I should be behind the wheel...he managed to get home everyday on his own without me....he managed to drive all over without having an accident or getting a ticket... so sometimes...the "controller" needs to evaluate what they are trying to control...is it things they should...or people who can do things on their own???
I still struggle with this but even my H will say I am getting much better....he even laughs when I hit the "brakes" when he is driving....but I keep my mouth shut!!!....I just tell myself "That is what insurance is for."....but so far we haven't wrecked!!!...LOL
As far as controlling, that is how I am. He says it makes him feel like I am his mother. So he rebels by going out after work and not telling me. I say a phone call as a common courtesy would be nice, but he feels that he does not need to ask my permission.
Oh, he is late again and we are having a block party today. Probably stopped off at the OW's since they won't see eachother tomorrow. Poor things......
Ok Mama, let your anger out here and be cute as a bug when he gets home
