Thanks guys. I'm still hanging in there - doing really well. The fact that the weather is nice helps a lot.
Something that I'm struggling with: my W keeps saying that stopping the A and staying with me is the "easy" option. This drives me nuts because to me, at this point, there is so much damage done that the is no easy option. Everything is a mess. Also, right in line with the "easy" thing, I keep thinkning that somewhere, my W thinks that what I'm doing is the easy thing by staying. I think she thinks I don't have it in me to leave her. I think she thinks that I am just staying in almost a state of denial here. I know I'm not, and I know that it doesn't really matter what she thinks, but it does get me thinking.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Quote: She told me yesterday that she REALLY didn't like the person that I became when this was all going on. She thought I became very mean. I was amazed to hear this, because I was determined to act kindly towards her, and I know that I did. I didn't argue, even though she raged at me. I don't know if this is projection, or if she was painting me as the bad guy again so it wouldn't make her feel like such a horrible person to go take this trip. /
Quote:
You know she is full of BS. My H did the same thing to me ago couple of weeks ago. He went crazy yelling at me (something he never does) telling me what a F'ing B I am, blah, blah....I know for a fact that I am not. I think he was projecting his anger at himself onto me. He cannot believe what a mess he has made of his life and cannot take responsibility for the pain he has caused so many. In his head he made me out to be the bad guy, therefore making himself feel better.
Hey thanks Mama. I "know" this too, but in an effort to really live my belief that there's no right or wrong in a R, I feel compelled to try to look for some utility in this. I mean, I know I can't take things at face value and base my opinion of myself on, and I'm well aware of the manipulative intent on the part of my W in saying these things, but I can't help thinking about how much of an obstacle to recovery this is. I know this is in large part my desire to fix her and do her work for her.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Urghh, I just got my first phone call from W - actually I saw that I missed a call both on my cell and on the home number from earlier this morning. I tried to be civil, but I got the adrenaline rush and know I sounded a little short. I tried to be pleasant, but I'm sure she'll think I was "being weird". As if sounding pleasant isn't weird when your S is off screwing someone else! In fact, I was fighting a surge of anger and prevented myself from giving her a guilt trip about how S4 got his first bee sting at camp this afternoon and she wasn't around to comfort him.
She told me she called to say hi and to talk to S4. I was on the other line at the time and I told her to call back. I called back and put S4 on the phone when she answered and they had a VERY onesided conversation as S4 was busy with something and not really interested in talking. Funny thing is, he hasn't missed her since she's been gone. He has asked if she was home a couple of times but hasn't said he wants to see her.
Anyway, I almost wish I didn't answer the phone. I really am feeling a huge amount of resentment and anger towards her. I guess it's to be expected, but I don't like it, and I don't like where it's headed. I don't know if this is an expectations thing, because I didn't in any way expect her to call sounding remorseful or sad or anything, but when she sounded somewhat upbeat, I guess it kind of got me. I need to get out and do something to get this out of my system. I've been great until now, and even now I'm processing things, but I don't like what I'm feeling.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Well, muddle, some posters warned you that you would feel this way. I can't say I didn't expect it too. It's natural. As strong and DB as you are, you're human too.
I think in some way, you may have indeed expected her to have a bad time, or figure out that this was wrong and come back ready to work on things. You now know that you MAY not see that happen and are feeling the appropriate feelings about that. It will pass and then you will be free to evaluate where things stand and move forward.
Hang in there. You knew this would be hard. If it wasn't, it would mean you didn't really love her like you thought.
GH is right on, as usual! I pondered what to say to my W when she left for her "weekend away". I sure wasn't gonna say "have a good time"! I said "have a safe trip". I've been there, muddle. It's hard. My W did call that weekend and told my daughter her cell battery was low and could not talk to all of us but to tell my other daughter and I that she loved us. Figure that out! Out there or what. Just try to be civil as possible that's the best you can do right now. Noone could expect anything more (except your S, but we all know that story!)
I know I know, you told me so. I'm not saying I expected it to be easy. I'm not really evaluating anything right now, just getting through and trying to process my thoughts and feelings rather than ignore them.
I know that even if she doesn't sound like she's having a bad time, there's some part of her that's really conflicted about this - although there's always the possibility that she feels perfect and whole and complete and she's going to come home with a concret plan for leaving. I doubt it, but it's possible.
As for hoping that she'd come home realizing this was wrong and wanting to work on things, that's actually - at least intellectually - the furtheset thing from my mind as far as my expectations go. I expect her to have felt things that she has never felt before - heightened sexuality, emotional closeness. All the things that I thought were experiences that we would have had with each other alone I'm sure have happened between them but amplified. And if this doesn't suck them in even further, I don't know what will. I have always tried to maintain a really realistic outlook on things, discounting both my fantasy and my Ws fantasy version of reality. This is no different, and I have always tried to maintain that the end result of all of this does not dictate my future or self worth or anything. It's just that now there's so much more fodder for thinking negatively. It's the injustice of it all, the senselessness that really gets me. I keep thinking about how X decision of hers really doesn't make any sense. And this is a problem for me because I want to maintain my respect for her, but I have very little respect for her choices, and even though I try to be compassionate and understand why these are good choices to her, I can't find enough good reasons. I start to see her choices define her and consequently, I think I don't respect her as much as I'd like to.
I know, tomorrow's another day. I'm doing to go have some fun now, and despite the tone of this post, I'm really doing great, I just needed to vent a bit.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I told my W that I accepted her choice but I couldn't respect it. End of story! You are right, muddle. Sometimes I too look at the mess my W has made of everything in the name of her "happiness" and I wonder what possible sense could any of it make. Is this hellish existence better than working on a M with me? Wow! If this is a "growth" experience I prefer to remain stunted. Hang tough, muddle!
She came home last night. I had the house really nice and warm and inviting. She walked in looking like she had been crying for some time. She went right to our son, who was in bed, and wanted to be validated by him telling her he missed her. She then came in, I gave her a hug and told her I was glad she was home. She told me she was going to sleep downstairs.
I went out for a little while to give her space to get home, especially since she was upset. When I came home she was in our bed, and she wanted me to sleep downstairs. I told her I was sleeping in our bed and if she didn't want to sleep with me she could go downstairs. I started a conversation with her, which turns out not to have been the best thing. It seems that she did have a great time. I have no doubt that this A is now that much stronger than before. She has re-rationalized things regarding our M and now has that much more "clarity" about how bad it was/is and now the only real demons she's wrestling with are those of responsibility relative to our son. I let myself become far too emotional, and she told me that these talks push her even further away - which I understand. Damn it, I'm really getting sick of feeling like I have no place in my W's heart, and indeed, this confirmed that this is now true, moreso than ever before. I think her detachment is far more complete than before, and I have become more attached in the weeks leading up to this trip.
The thing that hurts the most is that I didn't really miss her while she was gone. I think this has a lot to do with trying to protect myself from the pain of what she was doing and thinking about her at all would have been painful. But, more importantly, I got a huge sense of freedom, and I truly had FUN. I can't walk away from this, I have too many reasons that I couldn't live with myself if I didn't, but there is a part of me that doesn't want this constant reminder of the damage. There's a part of me that doesn't want this rotten person around me. I know she has a lot of growing to do before we can have a real marriage, and so do I. I just have to let go again, or for the first time, I'm really not sure. We talked about separation, as a result of her literally saying she felt the cage door slam shut when she walked in the door. She said that this is the first time she walked in the door and it didn't feel like home to her. But separation would involve losing our apartment, because we can barely afford it together. She keeps saying that she has no resources, no way to get around, no real job. She can't leave, even if she wants to. This all lead to the discussion of how she got this way, and it seems that her therapist and "a lot of people" think that it's my fault because I enabled her, and I didn't push her to get out of what was to be a bad situation. I respected the way she wanted to live her life. Maybe I didn't know what to do, or how to approach it. In any case, we're where we are, and I have no idea what to do about it. I want to open the cage door and let her out, I really do, and I think it would be good for her to find herself and be herself, but I have no idea how to do any of it without destroying a lot of what is important in the lives of the three of us.
At the same time, I have to truly walk away. I can't stop seeing her as the person I always used to, and I get no compassion, no respect when we communicate, and this hurts. I have to stop thinking about her as my wife, as a person I want to have a real relationship with. I have to stop desiring anything and just live. It always comes through and always will, I think.
I know I have to give this all time. I can't make any assumptions about the future, I can only know what I want and act in a way that is conducive to getting there. I quite often can't help feeling that going one way or the other would make things easier, even though I know it won't. This relationship is there forever, because we have a child together. Even if we divorce, the pain will be there. Our son will be scarred. I need to know that I/we have tried everything in our power to be happy together before I will decide to walk away. Is this stupid at this stage in the game? I don't know, but it's the decision I've made, and I'm sticking to it. I just wish I saw results that meant something to me, instead of hearing how much there is about me she doesn't like. Doesn't really matter what she thinks because I'm finding more and more about me that I like.
Thanks for letting me vent. I'm doing ok, and I'm sure I'll be much better once the raw emotion has been exorcised. Got to get back on track - detach, detach, detach.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Sorry muddle. I was afraid of this. I hoped, probably as much as you did (ok, exaggeration) that things would not go well for her and that she WOULD return with a new perspective, a BETTER perspective on you and your M. It sucks that she did not.
As for sticking things out, doing all you can before walking away, I get that 100%. Our kids/situation can't be the reason we stay married, but they CAN be a driving force in helping us not give in to the urge to run when things get tough. I agree with you, stay the course, do your "work" and try the best you can. If it's not meant to be, it's not meant to be but at least you will be able to look yourself, and more importantly, your kid(s) in the mirror and say you did all you could.
