Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Need an objective look at this, I am so lost

I'm going to try and make this as short as possible, giving the just of different things and if anyone needs details I will expand on them in future posts. I hope some women who have been in this situation can enlighten me some.

HISTORY OF THE SIT(short version).

My wife and I physically seperated March 31(nothing legal). I found out she was leaving about 2 weeks before through a sense and asking her. The last two weeks she was home we talked a lot and I felt we made a lot of progress, however she still felt she needed to leave and did. I asked her point blank if she was still in love with me and she said yes. I asked her if she still wanted to be married to me and she said yes. The foundation for the seperation stems from a lack of attension on my part and trust issues on her part. We both brought some baggage in from our previouse marriages.

Anyway, after she moved out, things stayed fairly positive, we still went to church together and were even together physically a few times. I had immediately found this site, purchased the DB books and started applying the methods. About a month into the seperation I found a text message on her phone from a guy she works with saying he was on his way to her house and he would see her soon. This was on a sunday night, late. She denied it was anything and said he was coming by to pick something up. I knew this was bull. The next day through e-mail we agreed we should end the marriage as peacefully and as quietly as possible. I told her ok, that I loved her, hoped she would be happy someday and I would always remember the 5 years we had together. Well then I went dark. She started e-mailing me through the week sad about the whole thing, telling me "I do love you" or asking me how I was doing. I would only give her short answers, like, 'I'm OK'. That friday she called me crying asking what happen and why did things get so screwed up and asked me to go out with her saturday. We went, had a great time and ML. She told me leaving she just had to work through this and get over her anger to be able to trust me with her heart again.

After that day, the next two months seem to show great progress. We even went to the beach together on my birthday, however, something inside of me knew something wasn't right. Her words just didn't match her actions and there were times when I was with her I could sense guilt or 'something'. Finally, one night, a voice inside me said, go check on her. I had never done this. I am all too familiar with ignorance is bliss. But it just wouldn't go away. I drove the 40 miles to check on her on a sunday night at 12 and found the guy she works with at her place. My 13yo SD there too. During this time I had been working on myself per DB'ing and making huge progress especially in my spirtual life. If it hadn't been for God being there for me that night I have no idea how it would have gone. I rang the doorbell and calmly asked her to come out. She came out. She didn't even seemed to be very shocked I was there and really showed no alarm at being caught. We sat in the driveway and talked about an hour. All I wanted to know was why she led me along all this time and just didn't end it with me. All she could say was because she loved me and she would never love another like me. This makes no sense to me. How can you love someone that much and do these things. She said she just didn't want to be alone and that this guy and her just had fun and laughed.

Towards the end of the conversation she touched me and asked me to just give her a little bit more time. I said time for what? She said she was going to 'Take care of this' meaning end the relationship and she was looking for another job. I told her I didn't know if I could wait on her when she was in a relationship with someone else, just to find out months down the road it was over anyway because she wasn't doing antyhing to even try to save our marriage.

That was three weeks ago. She wrote me and told me the next day she realized that I didn't want to wait on her and she understood and told me I should just move on. I told her as far as I was concerned the last 5 years was over but I didn't know what the future held and if she worked through it to let me know.(didn't burn the bridge)

I tried to go dark again but then she would bombard me with her feelings for me telling me she couldn't stand the thought of me moving on and being with someone else. Her, " I want this marriage to work, but I don't know what to do." changed to stuff like, I just need to work through this, without the buts. For the last 3 weeks I have been solely working on trying to learn to be happy with just being by myself and playing a support role with her. I didn't give permission for the affair or support it, only told her I understand she is human and if she ever wanted to repair our marriage it would be forgiven and never brought up again.

MY QUESTION

A few of my closest friends know about all of this and say the same things. "She just doesn't want you, but doesn't want anyone else to have you." or "She is just stringing you along." She is a VERY posessive person, always has been. But, she is so wishy washy I have no idea how to handle it. She tells me she loves me and misses me everyday, but has no desire to see me. I told her I just wanted to support her anyway I can, but other than that I leave her alone. I'm not even sure this is about so much about me anymore. When she says our relationship is just so screwed up and she doesn't know how to fix it, I wonder if she means, she has done so much to break it now she doesn't feel like she can come back to it. I don't know.

I can tell she still needs attension from me. If I cut my attension off she will txt me, e-mail me and try to get a response. If i don't respond she tries to put me on a guilt trip by saying things like, 'I thought you said you would always be there for me'. She says the loving things I say to her helps her through the healing process, but I just wonder if it is some warped need of hers, or she wants her cake and eat it too. She always says something real positive to me on fridays, like she is trying to keep me from dating or something. I called her on that and told her I wasn't going to play any games.

So any insight would be appreciated. I know she is still seeing this guy, although she tries to hide it from me. I have caught her in several lies. I am not angry actually. I look at it has she really needs help. She was brought up in a very strict christian home and this goes against everything she supposedly believes in.

Can anyone give me some insight into what she is doing, or why she is doing it? Anything legal would be simple for us, no kids and nothing finacial to split, so I know she is not hanging on to 'get something'. I have told her that all she has to do is tell me she doesn't want me and I will go away. She has never told me she doesn't want me or wants out of the marriage. Weird?

FEW EXAMPLES OF WHAT SHE SAYS TO ME

(I asked her why she wanted more time)
Because of my love for you. I am desperately trying to 'forgive' you, for lack of a better word, find a way to be able to trust you again - not only with my heart but with practical every day stuff, and make our marriage work.

(She was explaining about something that happened before we got married, here was the end)
Well guess what - I'm still not sorry I fell in love with you and married you. The only thing I'll be sorry about is if you won't be mine forever.

(I asked her if she had a plan for us)
You asked me if I had a plan. I just told it to you. I just have to work thru this. I invested several years into you - I don't think its unfair for me to ask for a few months. (this while she is with another man?, slap in the face)

(Here is the best in 4 months, she said this after I asked her if there was anything I could do to make her feel better cause she was sad. This was the day before a weekend though)

You could say that you could absolutely assure me that when the house sells you would come up here, sweep me off my feet, love me and desire me more than anything else, and things would never be the same as before again.


So, anyway, I know this has been very long. Any advice much appreciated.

Wow. Well, sorry you're here but it SOUNDS like you've got a pretty textbook case in a land where there are no textbook cases. I would suggest you somehow track down my early threads and maybe read up on my sitch.

There ARE similarities although my W and I have never been separated and have 2 kids. The similarities come in when your W talks about needing time and that she's trying to break things off with OM.

I don't really have much advice at this point other than to keep up the good DBing, working on you and try to let go a bit with her. She seems to want to work this out on her own for about 2 hours and then is calling you to save her. Don't save her. Make her save herself.

I know that seems hard, but in the end, if this IS the end as she seems to sometimes think it is, she CAN'T have it both ways. You can give her the time and space she wants but the cost is that YOU won't be able to help her when she wants help. That's all part of giving her what she's asking for.

Good luck, keep posting and I hope things get better.

GH

Yes GH, I have kept up with your sit to some degree over the last few months and I still read. Reading in here gave me a 2nd wind through this whole thing. I am trying to do exactly what you have said, there but not there. It's just hard sometime to know what to do at the right time.

Her whole issue with me is about attension and this isn't what I would call a normal need for attension. She always basically felt I should put her before anything and everything, even if it was just a 15 minute thing. So, I am willing to be that dedicated, but she needs to be realistic that I do have to occasionally do things before I can get back to her.

That's why I think going dark is a little difficult in this situation. If our biggest problem has been attension and I completely take it away, then I am validating her reason for leaving.

Just something I tread lightly on.

Well she called me this morning just to catch up, tell me about taking our SD13 to freshman orientation and tell me she had a doctors opointment (she is diabetic).

She told me SD13 was going to be playing volly ball this year and said it would be nice if I came to some of her games. They will be starting the end of this month. I am unsure yet how to handle that. Another part of our break up has been my relationship with her daughter, not that it was a bad relationship, just more that it was very little relationship at all. This stemmed from my feeling I didn't want to come between them and their Dad. Another misguided mistake. Anyway, the conversation was fine, I stayed up beat and wished her luck on her day. She is still hoping to get this other job. I hoping getting the new job will help end the A. Guess time will tell.

Well she got back from Doctor and wrote me this. I can't help but chuckle a little bit by how she treats me, it's like she is living in two worlds, married to me in one life and some naughty relationship in the other where the rest of the family and me don't exist. Here's what she wrote:

Dr visit went OK. A1c was 7.3, down from 8.3 last time, so that's good. However, he gave me a graph of my blood sugars and it looks like a see-saw. You wouldn't believe how bad they go up and down. He changed my pump settings & said if we could eliminate the lows, that would take care of the highs due to rebounding. So hopefully all will be OK.

Hope you're doing well. Miss you!

xoxoxo


I hope she never comes across this board, she would kill me.

Sorry, just trying to keep this thread alive because I really could use some help/support. I honestly feel like I have already lost her, maybe months ago, and all the stuff she says to me has nothing to do with getting back together. I just feel from a mental health perspective I need to try my best to accept that and learn to live again alone. It's just hearing her say what I want and like to hear gives me temporary moments of reprieve. I know I can't keep using those to feel better. I have to be able to make myself feel better no matter what the out come.

It's a long road, I have been through it before in 1st marriage. I really never wanted to have to go through it again. It was my greatest fear in life, and is directly related to why I am going through it again.

Well, yesterday was full of e-mails. I continued to try and stay detached, and questioned her about the healthiness of staying in so much contact. I think I have come to the conclusion that when she made up her mind to leave, that is what she wanted and set out to do. I think she has been trying to do that ever since. I also believe that is what she continues to do. I don't think she 'wants' to be in the marriage and would rather end it, but for whatever the reason it is not as easy or is not going the way she thought it would. This is what I base my conclusion on:

I asked her if cutting off all communication would help us deal with this either way and here was her response...

"I tried that. Not communicating makes me crazy, and it seems nothing I can do can get you out of my mind or my heart. Reckon what that means?"

I point out the part, nothing I can do. It reminded me if some things I did after my 1st marriage was over to try and put my 1st wife out of my head. I thought if I hooked up with someone else, it would help the pain go away and fill the void I was feeling. I stayed with that person quite awhile, til one day I woke up and realized I wanted to feel more for a person, I ended that R and shortly after met my current wife.

So, I was thinking that is what she is trying to do. The odd thing is how she is going about it. You would think she would know, in order to get someone out of your life you really need to cut off all ties to them and move on, at least for a while. It seems if she is determine to get out, she would realize this will only make it harder on both of us.

Until/Unless, she 'decides' she wants to work on our marriage, nothing will change, I do not believe. I guess in the mean time, I wait and see.

Here was her closing e-mail for the day. I told her I enjoyed talking to her.

"LOL. Me too. I miss talking to you. Email is great but I really like the sound of your voice and your expressions. I love you, and think of you continuously."

I just let this stuff roll off, lol. Because I honestly don't know what to believe anymore.

Do any of you folks just get so tired and frustrated and beat down you just want to turn this whole thing around and do what you can to finsih breaking it? Ugggg.

yes, we all go though this. When this happens, go out and breath deep, do something else to clear your mind. Then go back in the wagon, it's a long trip , we all need breaks now and then.

Thanks Cat, just nice to know you guys are there. Found out she is sick today, probably a Kidney infection, which is dangerous for her since she is Type 1 diabetic. I gave her a friendly call to check on her. Just acted like a close friend, concerned but not worried and told her I would call her later to check on her and she said OK like it made her feel a little better.

We exchanged I love you's and hung up.

The other side of me of course wants to drive up there and wait on her hand and foot! Grrrrrr.