Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Wife coming but still involved with OM

TT
I'm glad you feel I helped. Your a good man and I know, like me, you will do what you have to do to save your marriage. You are in a much better position than I am...something you can feel good about. However, You are in a tough spot. There are quite a few people on this board that are in similar sitches. You are going to have to make some difficult decisions. I hope, that we on this board, will help you make the right ones.

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Would you say that she is in somewhat of a mourning phase since she is away from OM??

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Could be. I think its a reasonable assumuption.

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Is it possible to have a WAW who is still in the same house?? Should I treat this like a WAW sitch??

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The fact that she will not give up contact with the OM gives you your answer. She's sitting on the fence. The way I see it. You need to get her to jump onto your side of the fence by being smart and attracting her to make the decision that that's where she wants to be. You have the advantage your with her.

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Also, what are your opinions about Ford's reply?? Do you think that I should tolerate this relationship - be it long distance to the OM?? Or, should I save this for the MC and see what he has to say??

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I believe Ford's point is valid. Allowing her to continue the relationship will enable her to look at it like you are willing to tolerate it. Trying to send down ultimatums in my experience fail. She will feel, and rightly so, that you are trying to control her...she will push back. Why not wait for the MC? It might help her make the decision you would like her make...I don't think you will loose anything.

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Also, when looking for an MC will they know what I am talking about when I ask if there therapy is Solution Oriented??

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They should. If they don't, keep searching for one that does.
Hang tough Buddy. Every person on this BB wants you to be successful.

Don

Thanks.

I will wait for MC before I bring up the OM and cutting off contact.

Don, we share the same anniversary. I will have been married 6 years this September 23rd.

This is a tough spot to be in. Seems like anything I do is iritating to her. But I am trying to give her space.

I think it is time to dust off Divorce Remedy that I finished about 2 months ago and refresh myself.

Tony

Same anniversary...weird how dates keep popping up in my life. My wife's B-day is the same as my mother's. Last week was my Dad's B-day. Turns out, it is the same as OM's..yuck!!
I'm already a wreck about the anniversary coming up. Hopefully both us will be in much better positions by then I've read DR at least 5 times...kind of a security blanket for me.

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This is a tough spot to be in. Seems like anything I do is iritating to her. But I am trying to give her space.

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You got it. Back off (detach)and let her come to you. Work on you. She will notice.
Best regards,
Don

I just wanted to do a little journaling. . . .please comment if you like.

Not a whole lot has changed since we have arrived in Chicago. We have been unpacking a lot and I am doing my share rather than the old me that would do a little and then get lost.

I have not brought up the OM. She still hasn't admitted to me at all that her relationship with him was more than she let on. Maybe she never will and that is something that I am going to have to live with.

I have cut out almost all affection. Rather than trying to give random kisses to her throughout the day - which were not that well received sometimes - I only give her a hug and kiss on cheek when I get home from work. I don't kiss her before I leave in the morning which used to be a ritual of ours. I don't kiss her when we lay down for bed either. I just say, "Sweet dreams, Babe." and maybe put my arm around her.

I am just trying to give her the time and space she needs to figure out what she is doing.

She has made some positive comments like she is enjoying this place more than she thought and maybe she would like to stay here for a couple of years rather than going back to Denver ASAP (trying to avoid Denver since that is where OM lives).

She did get a bit angry with me last night and told me that one thing that will never change about me is that I put off tasks around house, etc to the point they never get done. I had promised that I would do something before I went to bed but wanted to take advantage of some time on the porch together smoking a cigarette. I told her that I promised to do it before I went to bed. Then I realized that she really wanted some time alone to talk to the OM who she said she was going to call back. I was sitting next to her when she talked to him the 1st time so she probably couldn't tell him how much she missed him and all that BS. So, I went upstairs and did my chore. I guess a 180 I need to do is to just do things right away so that I don't forget or put off indefinitely.

I am trying to be patient waiting for change. I guess we have only been back together for about 2 weeks so I can't really expect much yet.

We did agree during our drive to Chicago to give our marriage at least one year before she made a decision about D. She tried to make it six months but I told her that let's at least give it the time of our lease.

So, I have a year to continue the change in myself. . . .hopefully she will come out of this fantasy land with OM. Thank God we are 1000 miles away from him now. I can only hope that this distance will fizzle their relationship.

I have learned from reading posts on this site that her R with the OM is not about me.

Thanks for listening. . . .any thoughts?

TT

Tony you are the man!!!! I think you are doing a fantastic job of it.
Keep doing what you are doing...tweek it when you think it needs a tweeking. I only wish I could in your position. I know in my heart and because of the way you are responding that you guys are going to be just fine.

My prayers are with you.

Don

I think I just learned another "pursuit" tactic that I am using that I didn't even know I was doing.

She asked me if I could get her some q-tips at work. The old me would have probably said, "I will see if I can." and then forget about it.

I went down and got the qtips. I messaged her and let her know. She messaged back with a "YAY!" and "Thanks for the qtips". Then I think my "I need affirmation" mode kicked in and I said, "If it is important to you, it is important to me." She replied, "Whatever." I didn't say anything back but when I looked back I think that I say things like that to say look at me. . . I am changing!! And hope for a positive response. I think that if I just follow through and help her out that should be good enough. I shouldn't look for affirmation from her. . .it will only disappoint me when I dont' get it. . .

TT

Journaling:

Man, it sure sucks when your wife doesn't want to touch you or do anything but call the OM. She is so nice to him on the phone, shows interest in what he is saying, and generally treats him the way she used to treat me.

Today I feel like I am coming to grips with the EA/PA that she had while I was in Chicago. I feel okay because I am here and she is here and OM is 1000 miles away

She still has a pretty short fuse with me. I am trying my best to fix some of the things that used to piss her off.

Well, I know that I love her and am committed to our love and marriage despite the fact that there is a lot of work and reconnecting to do not to mention her A.

I haven't made a stand about her cutting off contact with the OM yet and was going to wait until we went to MC. BUT, she said before we drove out of Denver that the OM wanted to come visit her (remember she thinks that I think they are just friends). Any ideas on how I should handle that visit if it happens??

My faith in God is really keeping me positive and I pray "the hedge of thorns" around my wife a few times a day. Google it if you don't know what it is.

We are getting ready for bed. One of the few times during the week I actually get to put my arm around my wife and be physically close to her

Thanks,
TT

I think it's great she is there with you.

now about her not knowing you are privy to the real story about her and the Denver dunce. I'd end that secret real soon. I'm my opinion, thats a whopper of a lie she is telling you. you could difuse it like: "I know the real story about you and dunce and while it kills me, I am willing to forgive and work on out marriage". she won't be a happy camper about this, infact, she'll be pissed beyond belief. but it will end the game of "he's just a pal".
it might even alter or cancel any plans they might have of him coming to Chi town, might even slow or end the phone calls.

Boundries.

have a great week!!!

Tony
I sorry, but I think Ford is right. It was one thing to look the other way when OM is in Denver its another to have him "come visit". Your wife honestly doesn't suspect that you know what is going on? I'm going to ponder this for awhile. I can usaully find some options...maybe we can brainstorm a bit and weigh them all out together.

All my best.
Don

Ok I had a thought. Instead of confronting her, which I don't particularly like as an option. How about playing into it. Something like "any friend of yours is a friend of mine" and "let's go pick him up together".....some spin of that? "Since we have committed to working on this marriage I know you wouldn't want me to get the wrong impression". Get my drift? This way you are not calling her a lier and you are showing her your blind faith in what she tells you...despite you and I know better.I think the main thing is not to piss her off enough that you send her running into his arms. That would put you in my spot and I don't want to see you here in my hell...not that I couldn't use some company
Don