Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Wife coming but still involved with OM

Thanks, guys. I have been going back and forth about living with this lie for a while now.

When I was trying to find out more info about their relation to confirm my suspicions I learned that my wife had lied about going on an overnight trip with him (suspicion confirmed), was carrying around condoms but doesn't look like she used any (she said she got them from planned parenthood but they just happened to be the same brand, type and lot number of the condoms we kept in our drawer. . . .weird, huh?), noticed that one of the vaginal contraceptives were missing after she "hung out" with OM one night the day before we left for Chicago,. . . . .

Okay. . .enough of that.

I like your idea about going along with her if he came to visit. But I also think that the contact HAS TO STOP if we are going to move forward. I know we have only been away a week but she calls him every night before she goes to bed or he calls her. He even calls her from bars when he is out. . . . .like they are out on a date or something.

Hopefully I find an MC soon because I still feel she is in way to deep with the Denver Dunce (I like that). Any suggestions on how to approach the MC with the OM without being too abrasive or accusatory?? I definitely want to convey the message that I am not an idiot and I know this is more than a friendship, I am willing to forgive and choose to commit to our love, marriage, and family, and that the contact needs to stop in order for this to happen. I hate to give an ultimatum to push her away even further though.

Thanks again for all the advice. It feels good to have this forum to turn to and share and help. I hope we are all out of this situation sooner than later.

TT

Not a great day.

My wife is getting angry about everything that she can. Since I have had to come back to work immediately after the movers moved us in I really haven't been able to assist too much.

Our place is pretty small and there isn't much room to maneuver with all of the boxes.

She told me today that she would leave if the place wasn't unpacked soon. Instead of saying, "I agree with you and understand why you would feel that way." I said, "Where will you go? Are you taking the kids?" I wish I could think on my feet faster. She said that she wasn't in the mood for this and hung up on me.

The day did start nicely though. She sent me a message saying that she put up a new picture of us on her myspace page. I thought that was nice. And, there isn't a picture of OM on the site. . . .WOW!!

Feeling kind of crappy now but I just have to shake it off and practice agreeing with her and validate her feelings. I am just going to keep saying to myself, "Agree and validate." Maybe that will help me remember.

TT

Well, today started off well. I am feeling good about myself after talking with missingwifey last night. I have plans for cutting down on the pursuit and GAL.

BUT, I just read an old email from my wife to me when we were separated last year (pre-DB) and she wanted so much to save the marriage and to love me and I thought that our marriage was doomed before I educated myself with Divorce Remedy.

Now, I want nothing more than to call my wife and tell her how much I love her. Of course, she wouldn't know why I would be doing this and would just see it as pursuit.

I miss my old wife

TT

Yay!!

Good news today is that I found an MC that is solution focused and has been to some of Michelle's seminars.

I am looking forward to attending. I am not sure my wife will be so I will probably wait until we get a little closer to the date to tell her. Countdown to MC. . . .16 days. I hope we can last that long!!!

I did a pretty good job at detaching today and not pursuing or being too available. I cut down on phone calls and emails and ended conversations and emails with "see you later" rather than the "have a great day" or "ILY".

Thanks for listening.

TT

Ok. I haven't posted in a while so here is what is going on lately.

I was doing good detatching myself for a couple of days. Giving space, no ILY's, no kissing, etc. Until one night when I was coming down the stairway to say goodnight to W. I stopped at the bottom of the stairway and heard W ask OM on phone something to the effect of "I thought we both had the same feelings for each other." I went outside and smoked a cigarette with her. When we came upstairs (I couldn't help myself) I asked what was going on lately with her and OM because I heard her say something on the phone (BTW she talks to him EVERY night for about 1 hour at least). She said, "What did you hear?" with a "what now?" tone. I told her and she couldn't for the life of her remember what her conversation was about just 5 mins earlier. I told her nevermind if it was going to take that long for her to make something up.

**I hate it when I backslide from my DBing**

Well, that irked her and she got mad and told me that she did not need to explain or tell me ANYTHING!! I told her she was right. I just keep trying to remind myself that it is not about me. She told me what she was telling him but I could tell it just wasn't true.

We then had a little R talk in bed. She told me that I just want her back now because she didn't want me. I went on to explain to her that was not true and told her why. I said that over the last couple of years of our marriage when we were doing everything wrong to try to get along. We didn't communicate well, I interpretted her pressure and anger and bitterness towards me, I retreated and she further pressured. . . .REPEAT. I thought that we would never be happy together as she probably did as well even though she was committed to our marriage. I then said that after she separated from me I started reading Michelle's books, especially DR. I told her that after reading this book I learned that we could be happy together and it really helped me understand the dynamics of our relationship which I never had before. It was like I saw the light.

I told her that I made an appt with an MC. She twirled her finger in the air and said "Yay" very sarcastically with a whoopty doo attitude. I told her that she did not need to go if she didn't want to but that I would be attending to work on myself at the very least. She said that she would go because I wanted her to. I asked what her goal was going to be in MC. She told me that her goal was to do whatever was best for her family. I know she knows what that is because she is in Chicago with me. I thank God for that daily.

When we finished our convo in bed. . .it wasn't anything to over the top or emotional. . .I asked her if I could have a kiss goodnight. She rolled over and gave me a very nice (not passionate) kiss. I loved it. I said, "Thanks, that was a nice kiss." She said, "Well, I meant it. Whatever that means." I told her, "I know what she means."

Well, two days later W gets upset that I didn't get up and help with the boys when she got up. I really am trying hard to fix a lot of my old, bad habits. I guess this was one of them. I tried to let some of her hurtful comments roll off but then I reacted to something she said and told her, "give me a break!" She said that I was never going to change and was basically said that she is just being herself which I know isn't true. She has such a loving side to her that I haven't seen in a long time. I know that the W that I am talking to now is very hurt and confused.

She still hasn't really come clean about her R with OM. I KNOW that there was and still, to some extent, is something going on between them. Missingwifey but it best when he said it was like living with an ELEPHANT in my living room. She knows that I know there is something going on with them.

Why is she afraid or not wanting to tell me??? Is she afraid that if she says something she will not want to come back or is she ashamed of the R with OM?? I know that W wouldn't tell her family members or friends.

So, now on to the title of my post. W goes out with a friend of hers and two friends of mine from work that I introduced her to for a girls night out. She comes home pretty buzzed and goes to bed. We wake up in the middle of the night and make love (I think just sex for her) for the first time since April. It felt great to be close and intimate with her again and to kiss her passionately. Afterwards we were lying in bed and she tells me how hungry she is (it is 430 in the morning) and wants a burrito. I leave and buy us burritos. We eat them in bed. It was kind of fun and romantic at the same time. I love when I can take care of her now. It really makes me feel good to do nice things for her. Then we start talking about our twin sons (2 yo). We then go get the boys and bring them to bed with us.

Well, today I was looking at our phone calls to see if she is cutting down contact with OM. She actually called OM when I was driving around looking for burritos at 430am!! It hurt me to see that for the first time in months we made love and the first thing that she thinks of to do when I leave is to call him!!! I don't know how she would explain that one.

I won't say anything. I am just going to save the OM talk for MC.

I am going to act like I don't know anything still.

Should I ask her if last night's love making was just sex for her? I could tell that she was detached somewhat but I just loved being with her again.

I know that I need to detach more but considering our intimacy last night should I test the waters and pursue or inquire about R some??

Any help appreciated.

Thanks,
TT

Well, I called W today just to check in from work and say hello. We had a nice and short conversation. Nothing serious and I didn't annoy her

Then I sent her a text message saying "Big Brother marathon tonight? I'll bring the popcorn!" Big Brother is one of our favorite shows and we have missed the last 3 episodes. She replied "Cool!"

Boy, it is the little things that make you feel good, huh?

I have been reading a lot of posts today. It really helps to hear what other people do to cope with OP and distant wives.

Thanks for the support.

TT

Well, I now realize how much my marital problems, living knowing about the OM, and DBing is taking a toll on me and affecting what I am doing at work.

I have made some minor screwups at work that my boss noticed. Remember I was recently promoted from a hotel in Denver to a hotel in Chicago. Well I went down to his office to "face the music" and he pointed out my shortcomings. He started to ask if I was under stress and how were things going at home. He then said that the most stressfull situations in life are losing a loved one (which I feel like I have sometimes), moving (which I just got done doing), and then he asked me if I knew what the third one was. The answer was changing jobs (which I did 4 months ago with out my family and going through separation). I told him marriage problems and proceeded to break down in tears.

I was so embarassed. I had been keeping so much inside. . . .can't talk to my wife about anything (not talking about R), living like the OM isn't the OM and just a friend, trying hard to project a PMA. I was keeping all of this bottled up and didn't realize that it was taking such a toll on me. My boss said some words that really set something off with me. My boss then listened to me for a while and told me to talk to him whenever I needed to. I went back later and thanked him for listening to me and apologized for my emotional outburst.

Since we have been back in Chicago I have not been able to workout or go to church. These were things that helped me keep my focus off of the problems that I was having and allowed me to channel some of those energies to something more positive.

On a more positive note, I have noticed slight changes in my wifes behavior. During my days off she was including me in things that she liked to do. Asked me if I wanted to watch TV shows with her. She picked me up from work on Wednesday and when I got in the car she offered me a kiss. That was only one of two times since I brought her to Chicago that she has GIVEN me a kiss. It seemed like she wasn't calling OM a lot while I was off, although she did talk to him for over one and a half hours last night after I went to bed.

I am just trying to focus on the positive things, be a good husband, not pursue, and give her space.

I just felt that I needed to get some things out and I should probably journal more. Especially since I found that I am keeping things bottled up a lot.

Thanks. . . .any thoughts?

Tony

one can only take so much before something gives.

maybe after letting some of that out you can catch your breath, focus,, regroup.

so many changes so soon, it's gotta feel like a A.D.D kid on a sugar buzz.

things sound a lil more stable for the time being., keep at it, just don't let all this crap thats going on bury you.

boundaries

Listen man i feel your pain.

But you really need to start to talk to your wife about your feelings, and espacilally what you overheard over the phone..

Your wife is cake eating bigtime, she is getting the best og two worlds ,so you need to stop being a doormat to her. you need to start to give som tough love..

You might not wanna realise but you dont have a marriage at the moment, but what you do have is a very abusive relationsship..And you are the won that is letting that happen

I forgot to ask you .HAve you exposed this Affair?

If not do so to every one that wants to listen
Your wife is gonna go balistic but its worth it.Trust me i now.Its gonna serve as wake up call at the moment she dosent have to face her actions an explain it to mom dad friends..Now these affairs its about fantasy is belivit or not, this has nothing to do with you its all about her..

Affairs thriws in secrese once you burst the bubble the Om usally runs of,and the WW is smacked back to realyty