Hi NNP, So here's my advice: NO LYING. You want your H to tell the truth? You want to have intimacy in your life. You need to be the change you want to see. NO LYING. Ever.
Now with that said, occasional privacy is OK. And timing is everything. But when you are ready to have an intimate R with your H, and when you trust yourself and who you are in the world, well that will be when you don't need to dance around what's so.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
That is exactly why I do not want to lie. I would not want him to lie to me. I could just say I will be out, but I would not be happy if he just told me "I will be out".
Both of those things get me furthur from where I want to be. That being a honest, healthy marriage. I am just not sure how much the end justifies the means, I guess. I know I HAVE to do this for myself to get healthy and be truthful, but I don't want to get there by lying about it.
So far I have been able to make my counseling appts at time that I would not be home anyway so I have never had to say anything.
I have been thinking about trying to get up the courage to say that I need to go for my past.
Opti, JM, PL... thank you so much for your input. It was exactly what I needed this morning. Just to get up and see some responses.
Today is the day that the boys and I leave. We'll be home on Monday. So H is foot loose and fancy free until then. I am really missing the days when I had blind trust in him and it would ever even cross my mind about him doing something that would hurt me.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
Lying by omission is still lying. H does it all the time, he's the master and although I hate it I find that I now do it too. Someday it is my hope we will both be beyond this childish stage we are in and be open and honest with each other again. You want an honest healthy marriage. Should you be the leader with your H to accomplish that?
NNP, refresh me. Why don't you want to let your H know about counseling and the meeting? Why keep it secret that you are working to improve yourself which will improve the M? Is keeping this a secret helping you emotionally or turning you into a wreck because H might find out?
Make this trip a time for you to take a break. I've had those same thoughts you are having when I leave for a trip, now H is footloose and fancy free. You cannot control what your H will do while you are gone, or even while you are home. You spent time apart while he was in the military correct? what makes these next few days so much different?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
I am back. We had a GREAT (even better than GREAT) time.
I have to get caught up on everyone and even myself. I am not sure what I want to say. I have no reason for this odd feeling I have. It most likely is all my imagination, but who knows.
For whatever reason I am really tired of playing this "game". I still plan to go to the meeting tonight, but I have not mentioned it. I guess I need to sort out some feelings and then see if I can express them here.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
It is great to get away sometimes, and get a little perspective without the H around, isn't it? I look forward to your post. I'm so glad yout trip went well.
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
On the home front... I do not know how to explain it, but I have a bad vibe. I have no basis for thinking that my H did anything wrong while I was gone. He seemed happy to see me on my return. But I just have a weird feeling... I guess there is nothing I can do about that though.
I went to the meeting last night. There were only 3 other women there to start with. I felt like I would not even be able to sit there when they first started talking... everything in me was screaming "I do not want to be here"... but I did not move.
Two women walked in about 10 minutes late (because they had gone to the wrong room). They are sisters and one was visiting from CA. She has been going to Al-Anon since 1989 and she brought her sister for the first time. Anyway to make a long story short, these two women were sent to this meeting by God, just for me I think. Have you ever met someone and realized they are going to mean something in your life? That is how I feel about Liz. She is going through much of what I am. We both said how stupid we feel to be this age and just realizing that we and our children are still being impacted by the person(s) who raised us.
We hugged after the meeting and both promised to come again next Tuesday.
I will probably have more thoughts to add to this later.
Oh and I just told my husband I was going to a meeting at the Methodist church (we are Lutheran), he never ever asked what it was about.
Me 54 DS19 and DS17 Married 06/1989 Divorced 01/2011
I have a friend that I met when I was four days old. I haven't seen or heard from her since I visited her on my way up to Alaska to reunite with H at his new station. I finally found her and talked with her on the phone for hours a couple nights ago. She believes very strongly that things like what you are describing (meeting this woman at the meeting) happen because we are open to recieving what we need and want.
I want to believe that too. I do, but I don't act like I believe it. I'm going to work at believing it. And I do believe that this woman will help you tremendously.
