You should give yourself a BIG pat on the back for continuing to give your W your loyalty. I know first hand that it is so difficult to look the person in the face after they have betrayed you.
You too should be commended for your efforts.
I feel so terrible!!! My H made me some jewelry, he was so proud of himself! He's been so good lately and I just haven't been able to see it through my anger.
Thanks to all of you, tough love and all. The cloud is starting to deminish!
I haven't seen the OM or spoken to him. I will let it go and focus on my situation. It's going to be tough, but I think it will be worth it!
Jade too early too pat myself on the back. but i'm trying. don't be so hard on yourself, you're going through normal emotions and feelings after getting a swift kick in the jimmy. I think we have several staged to go through once they come back. I think mine was denial/ shock. then big time hurt, then some wicked anger and resentment.
we all handle these things differently and who is to say what we feel is wrong? I think in my rush to make it all go away i've ended up skipping around these stages.
I think this makes us take a whole different look at our life and situations. I dwell on this stuff way too much, but for now thats where i'm at. ask me tomorrow and i'll probably give you a different answer lol.
Quote: His lies and secrets is what is making me outraged!
This was awhile back but I am just checking in after the weekend and wanted to respond to this because it's at the heart of your issues.
HIS lies and secrets are not MAKING you outraged, angry, sad or any other emotion. YOUR reaction to them is. You CAN learn to control your reactions to other people's actions, especially when they "make" you angry. It's a basic concept in anger management that "what I do doesn't MAKE you angry, how you feel about what I do does." If you can learn to control your feelings or somehow "detach" from certain emotional triggers, you can learn to not LET other people MAKE you angry.
The real world example I remember illustrating this point was about a traffic jam. If things MADE people angry in the abstract, then why doesn't everyone stuck in a traffic jam, late for a meeting, get upset, pound the steering wheel, cuss at the top of their lungs or go into a fit of road-rage? It's because everyone reacts differently to the same set of stimuli, and thus there HAS to be a way to BE different than how you are currently, even if nothing changes in your sitch.
You have asked some of the posters here (or maybe just one) how they can be forgiving with all that's gone on in their life. It's because they decided to be. They figured out that they had a choice about how to react, how to live, and they chose the path that enabled them to be the one who calls the office to tell them they'll be late, turns up the music a little louder and looks over the sea of cars to notice how beautiful the sky is... they CHOOSE calm. They CHOOSE peace. They CHOOSE not to let the fact that things have not gone their way RIGHT NOW affect their overall outlook on life.
I know I am making it sound simple, and I assure you it's not. I struggle with it all the time. I am angry, sad, and hey, even once or twice entertain the thought of "what would it be like to be with another woman" over all this, but you know what, I understand that I am involved in a process that is all about making decisions, something that I have done precious too little of in my life and the time is NOW to start. I want to TRY to make the best ones I can and most of all, I want to CHOOSE to be happy. I want you to choose that too no matter what your H does and I also would love for you to see that a revenge affair would not MAKE you happy.
Thanks Grasshopper, I never looked at it in that sense. Thanks to Imlin too and Ford! You guys are great.
The weekend was sort of quiet. My H spent the weekend making me jewelry. He really went out of his way to make me happy. He keeps telling me he loves me. But the sad thing is that I don't feel it. I feel he is just saying that to appease me, to tell me what I want to hear. And to keep peace.
Just this morning he gave me a hug and told me he loved me and for me to have a nice day. Then he asked me why I was so distant. I feel bad but it is really hard for me to get the images of what he did out of my head. I also dislike him for all the lies he told. I tell myself, how can he love me so much right this minute? Where was his love 11 months ago? How can he say he loves me unconditionally when he was just romping around with someone else?
Do you guys think I'm being stubborn and wanting to hold on to these miserable thoughts and feelings? I don't feel I am but you guys can see things in a different angle than I.
I hear you guys say to let it go and move on and that I have the power to make my marriage what I want it to be. But, it's not so easy for me to let go. Don't get me wrong, I do not WANT to feel like this all the time. I DO want to feel loved and appreciated and I DO want to love my H and show him how much I truly appreciate him. But I can't do it right now.
Hiya Jade. I'm with you on the not believeing the "I love you" stuff right now. too early for me. when she says the "L " word to me, it really doesnt mean anything to me yet. I hope it will soon. but for now I watch her actions as they speak pretty loud.
I wish she was like she is now 11 months ago. I don't let her know how I feel about that, she trys so hard, I don't want to wet her wheaties. I guess thats all we can do is watch more than listen. probably just another part of the cycle.
My H was busy all weekend making me some jewelry. He even mentioned today that he wants to take me to a B&B. Are these the actions that speak louder than words? Seems that anything he does, I don't believe or think "yeah, right...just cause you got busted it's all sweet and gooey". I can't stop thinking about where the heck his mind was when he was having a PA??????
I guess I'll keep "watching".
As for the OM, I have given up on that idea. I know that two wrongs don't make a right. But, unfortunately, he works at a place that I frequent often and I have to go there in a couple of hours or drive to the other location clear across town out of my way. I may see him or I may not. I will not make any attempt to cross his way.
I'm glad to read you're giving your husband a chance. I forgot if I wrote this on this thread but the book "Not Just Friends" has been invaluable in helping me understand and even forgive my husband for his affair(s).
I know this may sound hard to believe but with committed spouses you really are more than half-way there. Unfortunately, it will take time. Work more on building the friendship first with sharing of dreams, thoughts, ideas, etc... other feelings will fall in place over time.
The main thing I've learned from the book is that intimacy requires a sharing of secrets (of course, that needs to be done when the time is right in a safe and caring environment. The spouse needs to feel they can confide in you -- like one would a best friend or the OP -- and you need to be able to be supportive with potentially painful information).
I think OP are tempting, but until a marriage is over (and that means divorce papers finalized), it's usually best not to start up with them. They really are only band-aides and that's not healthy for anyone. The wounds need to heal first. I personally believe it's best to try and heal with the spouse since both people can gain a lot from working through it together.
If, for any reason, the marriage does need to end, there's always time in the future for that and OP. Healing, learning and growing from all of this should be the first step.
Good luck to you!!! I only WISH my husband were committed to working through all of this.
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
You can't change the past....but you can control your future....if you hold on to the anger your future will be screwed up....if you let it go you have a great chance at being happy...
Does that make sense???
Don't punish him for what he DID....reward him for what he is DOING....
ImLin, that makes a lot of sense! However, just today we had a big huge blow out. I am so ready to walk out on him!! My H accused me of being his "mom". Only because I am genuinely concerned about a certain medication that he is taking. I know he abuses it and I have to remind him to only take the recommended amount. I show concern and he pushes it away with hurtful accusations. I haven't seen the OM but it sure pushes me to him!!!!
