Quote: You are truly handling this very well. You accept your pain, and don't show anger or retaliation. You are setting this up well for a future relationship. I know it's hard [I hadn't known that the kind of emotional pain I felt was possible], but you're surviving well already.
Thank you, I haven't shown anger or retailiated, you're correct. "I hadn't known that the kind of emotional pain I felt was possible" -- wow, is that ever true for me, too. I have never known such emotional pain and for such a long period. This is very hard. And full of unknowns ahead.
It occurs to me that I have no idea if you're right ("This will help her come back to you when it is time.") but I so very much want you to be right, that just reading what you say at the very least gets me through today. That helps me survive, literally and emotionally, regardless of what comes in truth. So thank you. I need glimmers of hope at times as ladders to moving forward.
As I have continued coping with my W separting, I have followed much of the strategy of D-B, but that often tests the patience of family and friends who don't understand why I just don't get angry and get on with the divorce.
They do not understand the way I am communicating with my W -- by not initiating the conversation/contact, by not bringing up the R to fix it or work on it and so on. They think I am being passive and afraid to confront the issues, but I remind them that my W refuses to have that conversation and until she is ready to do so, we can't have a conversation to reconcile. That drives them nuts and they get very impatient -- for me, channeling their own anger to me. I tell them this is very Zen-like and it is the only way, in addition to GAL and PMA, that I have a shot at saving my marriage.
Anyone have any words or ways of communicating this better, about how I am communicating with my W, so that family and friends can understand better and support me in doing this?
My W left in Feb and it's been 6 months now (which for many of you is a short time, but I experience it as a long time as do my family and friends). We have been married 18 years.
I don't know. I haven't had aproblem with my family. But I tend to be a very forceful preson. I pack myself with research and then present it. I tell them what I want, what I'm doing and why. I tell them that if they want to diagree with me...they can go somewhere else...but this is my life and I'm the one who has done the research...I know what I'm doing.
Dealing with your wife may be zen like. But dealing with family and friends isn't. I speak with authority and just don't have a problem. I do feel that if I dind't speak with authority and back what I say with research...they would sense the weakness and strike.
It may sound callous. But I haven't had to be callous because people support me and accept my actions whether they disagree or not. I haven't had to cut them off.
And there are some whom I try not to discuss it around. They are curious about what's going on...so I update and that's it.
My family also knows that their arguments really won't get anywhere with me because I'm a Stander...and thus believe in saving my marriage at all costs. So Sweetheart's affair isn't a reason to divorce in my personal belief system. No amount of reasearch they could bring that counters mine can override the personal belief system.
You do seem like a more passive personality type than I am...superficially at least. I often wonder if people who don't see Sweetheart and me together assume I'm passive--such as his coworkers. But no one who sees us together even thinks that...I guess I'm just too strong a personality.
But given that...my SIL has said that my appearance of what she called passivity or submissiveness has helped Sweetheart's family in their view of me. I am more nurturing and attentive of him now...and to some that is submissive I guess.
But you also have to accept that they aren't going to agree with you and let their comments rool away. But I would first try telling them that it's your life and your choice...I've also gone as far as to tell them I simply don't care what they think about it. That may be rude...but I've done it in the beginning and prefaced it with an apology. "I'm sorry, but this is my life, I know what I'm doing and though I would like it if you will be there for me, but I really don't care whether you approve or not."
Alex, I also have been fortunate to have very supportive family and friends (and lots of them) but I think the kind of 'move-on' advice we get is really about the concern that our support system has for us and the hurt we are experiencing. Also we have to remember that though our family members may love our spouse in their way, they are not in love with them the way we are. It may help to remind them of this. To tell them that you still very much love your W and after 18 yrs that you have a lot invested and want to do whatever you can to save this M. And that this is what you think is your best shot.
I do think you have it right that they are channelling their own anger at your W thru you. They are angry that she has inflicted this pain on you who they care for so much. And if you can do nothing, they can do even less than that to change this sitch.
When my sister said early on, "forget him, he's not worth it," I was upset b/c to me of course he was worth it and I thought it was cruel. But on reflection realized it was truly her anger and care for me she was expressing. She has overall been very much on my side. Actually she thinks my H must be gay b/c she can't for the life of her think of any other reason he would have walked out! LOL
I think as you get to a happier place, enjoying the life you create on your own, your family/friends will be more supportive of your choice b/c they will see less of the hurt that they want you to get behind you. So even though limbo might continue, you will look more okay to them. You will be more okay.
Seems like for many the idea of moving on means another R. Remind them that you are in no way ready for another R, do not want to bounce into a rebound thing so this is really a quieter way for you to grieve and heal anyhow.
Tell your family and friends that you have to live with yourself and they do not.
Find a local support group (I did this). Find a counselor (I did this). If they can't support you, then don't discuss. And Alex, six months is a very short time.
On the flip side, I kept family and friends out of my situation to a great degree. I actually stayed away from mutual friends when I was angry so I didn't pull them in.
Thank you for sharing your experience in dealing with family and friends. It is a good reality check for me.
Recently, I started asserting that I want to save my marriage, and much to my surprise, that phrase seems to change the tone of the conversation. I guess that forces them to argue against saving my marriage, which they aren't willing to do IF THAT'S WHAT I WANT.
Excellent! And I think asserting is a key term there. You have always seemed strong and sure of yourself to me...and that will be a bonus in dealing with family and friends.
There are many out there [and many of us start that way when this shock first hits] that are not yet strong and we are fighting and scrabbling for our relationship out of fear...how can we go on without, how can we survive...so many base thier happiness on the relationship rather than on themselves.
I think those outsiders see that and assume it of us too--until they talk to us and see differently.
You seem happy within yourself, and though there are no guarantees...I do believe quite strongly that it makes your chances better. And it makes it easier for those supporters when they see we're strong and making a decision out of love rather than need.
