Hi EM - My best wishes to you as you go through this difficult period. You know your W better than any of us, and I am sure that she must have some real sterling qualities inspite of the way she has been behaving lately, and inspite of your differences over handling the misbehavior of the stepson. It is clear to me that your believe your M is something worth saving, so I wish you continued perseverence, wisdom, and patience. We can only see snippets of what is going on, so sometimes our drive-by recommendations may or may not be what you need to hear. If she is worth fighting for, then by all means do what is within your power to save the M. But don't be hard on yourself if it turns out that it is not possible. Ultimately, you are primarily responsible for your well being and for that of your daughter. Meanwhile, I have nothing but admiration for your courage and your character. We are all pulling for you.
Next, please know that people here aren't attacking you. Like John_S and others have said, none of us have the whole story, we are here your YOU and to help. Sometimes, when we put a post out there, we all rally around with some tough love of our own to keep each other going. You are a VERY stand up guy for being here and trying to save you M. Don't forget that and don't be hard on yourself if it just won't make it. Funny enough, some other DB'er and I have lots of off-BB discussions via e-mail and we constantly strike each other in the head with hockey sticks - and we have learned a lot from it. Hang in there.
All that said, and from the snipets I have read, to me you are getting to a fork in the road. In the end, only you can decide what is going to be best. It might be that you have to save yourself and your daughter FIRST and make a break. Fighting to save it all with a higher potential for failure might be less attractive from assuredly saving you and your D.
Let me reach for a minute here and ask if there was alcohol abuse in your W's family past? From what I have read (and having an ACOA for a WAW), I see a pattern. Constantly "excusing" bad behaviour in your step son, then running for cover - not wanting to purposely repeat the past, but sure as hell going to.
You have a very complex situation on your hands that I could never do justice by giving advice so I feel for you tremedously. What got me though (and ultimately nearly reconciled with my W) was the unyielding control over MY life. That drove me day in and day out.
You have that control - we are all pulling for you - no matter what choice you make.
Hope that helps.
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Thank you for the support. I never expected so much traffic from a post I made to work through my feelings yesterday.
A few things I have to answer. Pretty random, but anyway.
First, I love my W. I might have described her in very negative terms. But she wasn't always like this. Yes, she didn't discipline sS15, but she was always very caring. And she is very intelligent, beautiful, artistic and can teach D5 a lot of things. She is good at pretty much everything she starts, perhaps w/the exception of relationships. And W's behaviour has changed over the last 1.5 years dramatically. Her own 180s to make HER happy in life. I still see someone not so selfish somewhere in there. And I already did leave for several months and I think now that I made a mistake. So I'm not ready to give up yet and leave again.
Another thing I haven't mentioned, sS15 survived leukemia as a small child, so there is another reason for her 'to be good to him', besides not wanting to repeat 'mistakes from the past'.
Regarding custody for D5 I'm not sure. From what I heard if W fights me it might be difficult for me. Usually the mother is preferred. And currently W would NOT let me take D5, although I'm perfectly capable of taking care for her. And she WOULD miss mommy. I don't want to take her away. It would be a reasonable option for me, but in reality it is currently NOT one.
I don't know if sS15 biol. father would take him right now. That's something W probably needs to find out. If she is going to do ANYTHING at all. She is TALKING about doing something for months. But she is not DOING anything. I gave her suggestions in the past but I can't make her do things.
She also was talking about Boarding school. I'm not sure how to pay for it but it is certainly worth looking into.
Again, thanks for the comments and any further suggestions are appreciated. For now I will just hang in there, make sure that D5 is ok, try to be ok, and let W and sS15 work on their stuff. Oh, and I still will DB my a$$ off. And I will backslide. I will be able to know I tried everything I could and will be able to tell this D5 when she is D20 or D40.
Quote: Another thing I haven't mentioned, sS15 survived leukemia as a small child, so there is another reason for her 'to be good to him', besides not wanting to repeat 'mistakes from the past'.
OMG - there was just a big news story this week about the increased incidence of depression (and I think suicide?) in adult survivors of childhood cancer! I'll try to find the info for you. I don't suppose you know what drugs thay used to treat him??
Hey E.M., Time for me to climb off my mythical 'high horse' and stand on the ground with you. I was doing my best to shake the trees and see what you really thought and now I (we) know. Sometimes when someone beats us up when we're ready to quit, or feeling like it, it gets us angry and we're motivated again.
It seems like you're out of that 'sad day' mode and ready to do the work again.
Once again you have proven your strength and I have the highest respect for you.
Quote: I don't know if sS15 biol. father would take him right now. That's something W probably needs to find out. If she is going to do ANYTHING at all. She is TALKING about doing something for months. But she is not DOING anything. I gave her suggestions in the past but I can't make her do things.
She also was talking about Boarding school. I'm not sure how to pay for it but it is certainly worth looking into.
Would B. Father put some $$$ in for the Boarding school or a 'tough love' camp? What exactly IS he willing to do?
When you say W is 'talking' but not 'doing', maybe she would 'do' if you showed her the way? Get information about the school, find out how you might pay for it, then present her with the option, all planned out. One thing about my W, she talked a lot about her business, and other things but only did things when I presented her with the solution.
Overall, I would be saddened to see this boy lost to drugs and loser society. I have cousins and others whose parents didn't deal with them when it was still possible. Their lives are now pointless day by day dramas.
I know you will do the best you can. It may very well be that if you can solve this problem or at least make headway, it may solve other problems.
Take care. You're a good man and keep fighting the good fight.
Something is changing. W loved to cook, and I mean really fancy cooking. Around the time she met Om she stopped. I don't think she really cooked more than once in the last 8 months. Only heated up frozen stuff. This week she started again.
When W started working on herself about a year ago, she did a lot of stuff like working out 5 times a week, losing weight like crazy, not eating anything, manicures, pedicures, buying tons of make-up and even bigger amounts of new clothes. But she NEVER dyed her hair. Even if it started to show some grey. Yesterday she did
Also yesterday she came up to me and said something like 'I probably shouldn't tell you this. I will never have a life or future w/Om. It just wouldn't work. What was I thinking'
I guess I figured out why W finally decided to dye her hair. Tomorow she is going to a concert. For several weeks she wanted me to go w/her. But since she started contact/flirting on myspace w/someone close by a couple of weeks ago she wasn't sure 'if I wanted to go'. Yesterday she told me she is going by herself. Sure. I asked a few questions and W finally admitted meeting 'some people'. After a few more questions she also admitted that person is going to be there as well.
Well, I see another A coming soon to a theater near me...
I also see me closer and closer to moving out again. I know I wrote here I wouldn't b/c of D5. But I can take only so much. I don't know if I'm strong enough to go through another A and 'act as if' and be nice and take care of D5 at the same time.
W is getting really good at ruining weekends, especially long holiday weekends, for me.
