Yes, I'm living w/them. His father lives on the east coast. He had him only for about 2 weeks each year, so sS15 got everything he wanted there.
I see him every day. He is ignoring me. I tried to talk to him 'man to man' but then days or weeks later I learned he was just lying to me or telling me BS.
When I tried to discipline him I was overuled by W all the time. She just said I'm mean to him.
And regarding the 15, I don't know any other 15 year old who behaves so rude.
In a way it's kind of funny. W blames me for everything that happened in her life and so does he.
You needed to make some changes years ago but the good news is it's really not too late. You're going to have to have balls of steel though.
Children whose parents let them get away with all kinds of unacceptable behaviors, skipping school, violence and disrespect, drug abuse...grow up thinking nobody gives a rats ass about them. To them it appears that they must not be worth the effort it would take to correct them. YOU AND YOUR WIFE have created a monster. His mother is the primary culprit but make no mistake, you should have put your foot down YEARS ago.
DO IT RIGHT NOW.
If that means kicking his little butt if he bows up and takes a swing at you, so be it. Now I don't mean kick his butt like you would another man, I mean you PHYSICALLY STOP HIM from continuing to react violently at that moment.
I'm not sure what you mean about your wife wanting to get rid of him. I assume you mean putting him in Juvenile Detention. Well, let me tell you that has about a snowballs chance in hell of bringing out any redeeming qualities the boy possesses. More than likely, you will lose him to the other hoodlums already IN the system.
The only question at this point is how willing are you, how dedicated would you be, to helping him save himself?
Quote: Yes, I'm living w/them. His father lives on the east coast. He had him only for about 2 weeks each year, so sS15 got everything he wanted there.
Except self esteem.
Quote: I see him every day. He is ignoring me. I tried to talk to him 'man to man' but then days or weeks later I learned he was just lying to me or telling me BS.
First off, he is not a man, he is a teenager. Is there ANYTHING he likes to do that YOU like to do?
Quote: When I tried to discipline him I was overuled by W all the time. She just said I'm mean to him.
My W said the same things to me about our D15. She has since come to realize that 'mean' is not the same as 'do not give them what they think they want all the time'.
My COunselor told me I should have been more solid and not let W call the shots. I do now.
Quote: And regarding the 15, I don't know any other 15 year old who behaves so rude.
I do. It's just that she doesn't do it as OFTEN, and she doesn't do drugs.
Quote: In a way it's kind of funny. W blames me for everything that happened in her life and so does he.
Then take the responsibility to fix it. REGARDLESS of what happens with you and W, you took on this responsibility when you married her and you can't run away from it.
I understand what you are saying. But I can NOT make my W do things. I can NOT control her. That's the most important thing I learned here.
I have NO legal right to do anything. I didn't adopt him. But I tried. Believe me. An example. Once about 4 years ago I gave him a time out. He was supposed to be staying in his room and think about what he had done. W comes home, disagrees w/me, apologized and sent him off to his friends. I told her then that if she allows him everything NOW she won't be able to control him when he is 16. Now is not quite 16 and now she agrees. She send him to his room yesterday, he laughed at her and left.
Another example. When he kicked in our front door (MY house, but I had moved out at that time) and I came home w/D5 and she was shocked about that I wanted him to leave the house. We had an argument, he tried to take medication, I didn't hit him but 'guided' him out of the house. I didn't want him in this abgry state to be around D5. Next thing that happened was W called police, they picked him up. When he was back home I was NOT allowed to come back to MY house. His T suggested that and W happily complied. And then I got a call from child protective services and had to defend myself.
So how do I put my foot down? W will just throw me out again.
I'm getting upset as being blamed. Especially by you guys who don't know the past.
I don't blame you. Sounds like the kid needs serious help. I don't see how you can effectively parent in that situation. If he is doing drugs, just where will he be "sent away" to? What this kid really needs is a structured program that will deal with any substance abuse issues, as well as any mood disorder problems.
I wanted to add another couple of things. Had to pick up D5 first.
There is another thing I can't avoid. I'm not always around, especially after Frank suggested to get more out of the house. So yesterday I did some GAL and went to the second baseball game in my life. I did have tickets for the whole family but ended up going by myself b/c nobody wanted to join. I came home, W was upset, sS15 punched a big dent into the fridge. Who is going to pay for it? And I wasn't around, nothing I could do to prevent it. And if he is in his room and decides to smash a guitar against the wall I can't do anything either (has happened recently too).
Fortunately (?) Juvenile Detention is only our second choice. He desperately wants to live w/his father. But he doesn't want him. Might not be the best thing either, he is not the best role model, but obviously the one sS15 is using. Dropping out of high school, DUIs, drugs, a job as a part time musician. That's what his son seems to want too.
So we explained the sitch and hope he will agree. If not, the second choice might became reality.
Amy, I really value your input and you gave me hope regarding my W when I was really down. But I'm facing a really difficult battle here. I also tried incentives. Last Friday I asked him if he went to school. He said yes, so I gave him some money to have fun on the weekend. This week I learned he didn't go and has probably used the cash for drugs.
Nothing personal, but I don't like to be told I SHOULD have done things in the past. I believe I did, just not very successful.
Quote: Yes, I'm living w/them. His father lives on the east coast. He had him only for about 2 weeks each year, so sS15 got everything he wanted there.
Except self esteem.
YES, I agree
Quote: I see him every day. He is ignoring me. I tried to talk to him 'man to man' but then days or weeks later I learned he was just lying to me or telling me BS.
First off, he is not a man, he is a teenager. Is there ANYTHING he likes to do that YOU like to do?
No, he wants to be as far away from me as possible. He is IM on the comp the whole day. Or out w/friends. No interest in sport. We do listen to the same music. But he doesn't even like to go to a rock concert w/me.
Quote: When I tried to discipline him I was overuled by W all the time. She just said I'm mean to him.
My W said the same things to me about our D15. She has since come to realize that 'mean' is not the same as 'do not give them what they think they want all the time'.
My COunselor told me I should have been more solid and not let W call the shots. I do now.
My W is not there yet. As I wrote earlier she is pi$$ed at S15 C b/c C tells her to be a lot firmer. She seems to be unable to do that. Even now. And I also find parenting is a lot easier when it is regarding our D5. I have a lot more to say and decide than w/sS15. I'm not his REAL father.
Quote: In a way it's kind of funny. W blames me for everything that happened in her life and so does he.
Then take the responsibility to fix it. REGARDLESS of what happens with you and W, you took on this responsibility when you married her and you can't run away from it.
Taking responsibilty w/o being able to DO anything doesn't make a lot of sense to me.
Frank, same as w/Amy, I really appreciate your comments. But if I do something, then get kicked out, I'm not changing anything besides not being able to at least do something for my D5.
Thanks for the support. And I realize Fank and Amy have only good intentions. I didn't want to start anything like this, just writing my feelings down, that helps me sometimes to let go of them.
And I agree w/you regarding the treatment program. That's what my C suggested as well. If you have someone who drinks and beats his family, it doesn't make sense to address the violence issue, you have to address the underlying cause first, the drinking.
But for some reason W doesn't see it this way. I suggest something, I'm a control freak. And now we are back to my major problem, W's MLC. She is too selfcentered. If she came out of her fog, we might be able to deal w/sS15's issues better if we were showing a united front. But again, I can NOT make her do that.
Can you press charges against him for destruction of property or something?
The reason I ask is because if you can get him in front of a judge for something other than possession or truancy, other sources of help will present themselves...it's that tough love thing and somebody's gotta do it or you'll lose this kid.
I know you realize you're in between a rock and a hard place. I wish I could tell you something that I knew would work.
Think seriously about pressing charges. It sounds harsh but it will open up other avenues you can take to get him cared for properly and keep the family safe in the meantime.
Wow EM! What a nightmare. I seem to detect a thread here regarding the behavior of both your W and your stepson. Neither one of them appears to be willing to accept any responsibility for their actions and resents being reminded that they need to do so. It is like they are cut from the same cloth. Both you and I know that both parents have to be unified in their approach to discipline, or the kid will play it to his advantage by pitting one parent against the other. And from the sound of it your stepson has been doing this for years, your W has encouraged his bad behavior, and he is now in serious difficulty and really requires a strong dose of hard love. The fact that your W doesn't see it this way, and has never seen it that way puts her own character and judgement in a very bad light. Doesn't she care what her son is turning into before her very eyes? To what extent has your opposite approaches to recognizing and tolerating bad behavior been a destabilizing influence on your marriage? Has your W ever shown any signs of real maturity and selflessness over the years? It is obvious that you love her and care a great deal about her, but the more I read the less I understand why. There must have been some real positive aspects to her personality at one time. Again, I wish you strength, patience, and wisdom. I too am worried about your daughter.
