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Update

Just back from MC session. W said she can't let go (Om). She is finding herself. Doesn't want to be 'owned'. Doesn't want to please others. Wants a 'nontraditional family' but can't explain. Doesn't want to be worried with R, she has enough to do figuring out herself.

I can live w/her finding herself. But I'm pi$$ed at her holding on to Om. She keeps lying to me about it. I think MC is useless. Why bother if she wants Om or sitting on the fence, eating her cake whatever....

I'm strongly considering moving out again. I can't stand the lying. Feel like cr@p.

MLC in full bloom.

I just feel so helpless, fear about my D5.

I don't know if I can do this much longer...............

oh no, I'm so sorry to hear this EM, I remember my first C sessions, H by then had PA with OP, so we couldnt' get much from him.

Again, if anything see someone else to keep your sanity, so you can keep the tension off D5, it will confort her to see you in peace and reasure her that her daddy will be there for her no matter what. My prayers and hugs your way))))))

Cat,

Thanks for your post. I'm very sorry to hear about your discovery.

Update and a question....

I had a couple of days to thing about my sitch. Om is sick, W is caring, can't let go, but it is long distance EA right now.

W asked me a while ago to stay w/her while she figures out what she wants. And she asked me not to take the affection away like I used to when I was upset w/her. I decided to stay and see what develops.

My question is, do I be affectionate like she wants me to be or go back to the basics and let her persue ME which she obviously doesn't want. How do I get this together, DB and her request. And I want to be affectionate w/her. Any ideas?

that's a tough one. At the beginning I didnt think I'd want to be affectionate to my H, i was hopping mad. But I just can't stop myself, and alredy have reached out to him... and I feel a tiny sliver of love back from him.

If I were you I'd give as much as I'm confortable with giving. Give and take.

Hi EM - If you don't mind my asking, what is the MC saying to your W when she reveals her feelings and expounds on the OM? Do you get the impression that the MC working to help you guys restore your M by providing guidance, or does the MC just let everyone vent? It seems like you come away from these sessions without having received much help.

I know the W's wavering is very tough on you, but (Thank God) she is still with you. She is not out of the woods emotionally, and if she is in MLC as I believe her to be, it may be a while before the fog lifts. This stuff seems to take incredible patience. Don't give up hope.

I just lost it. Arrived at home, Om's cell phone is right in the middle of the table.

For you guys that don't know my sitch, W got a new cell phone from Om when she first visited him (he lives out of state). I gave her a new one when she said she wanted to work it out and told her I don't want to see the other one anymore.

So there it is again. Didn't check anything on it. But I know from earlier calls to her that she has her name on that voicemail while she just has the number on the voicemail of the one I gave to her.

I got VERY upset. Then I went for a 3 mile run. Didn't change my feelings. VERY upset. And W asked for NEW rings a couple of months ago.


I grabbed our rings from the jewelery box and tossed them into the SF bay. BURRIED. She saw it. Feel better now. Perhaps now I can get from the stage of denial to acceptance? Will see.

This M is over. Now there is only the future.

damn it EM, I'm sorry... that sucks so much

Please take a time out to clear your mind, I know you are angry, go out of town, anywhere away from W. Then take a deep breath and come back with a fresh mind, and if she has any sence she'll get rid of that phone.

Cat, thanks for your post.

I calmed down, got drunk after the incident, and went to friends last night. I'm ok again.

But I don't think W is ok. She is completely in MLC replay mode. The ongoing A is just one thing. She doesn't consider herself as being married. And she is online again all the time. Currently I'm afraid there is a chance of another A.

Perhaps I should move to the MLC forum. I was so sure I'm piecing after she told me she wants to work on the M.

Of all the stories told here it seems that WAW don't want any physical closeness with the LBS. And even during reconciling sx seems to be an issue for most. But with my W that is no issue at all. She said she wants me around. She gets even upset if I leave her alone. Any comments about that? Is this a good sign or just cake eating?

And I enjoy it of course. But that makes it so difficult to let go. I don't know how to do that. How can I let go and let her figure things out, when we sleep in the same bed, touch each other, ML????????????????????

How can I emotionally detach? I cannot stop thinking about the A. And when I think I'm ok than something happens like the thing with the cell phone and everything breaks loose in me again.

I think this is the biggest problem I'm facing right now. If there wasn't the A which destroyed all my trust she could do whatever she wanted and I would be just fine with it.

And after writing all this I'm getting all emotional again.

Hey EM, i was looking for you, wondering how you were doing.
I know sometimes writing about the stuff that happens to us makes it all the more alive and I also end up w/my heart beating faster.
Sounds like she is using you as an emotional blanket, much like my H did w/me when he was loosing his mind in between the on-off R with OP. He'd come to me for confort, for reasurance, then runned off again w/OP when feeling better (of course at the time I didn't know it)

This is me, but had i know he was doing this, having the OP while using me I'd told him to take a hike, to choose. Sounds like she is cake eating, I might be wrong, but I'm totally in your shoes about the anger ones feel about the A.

She is having the best of both worlds. I'm afraid to tell you what to do, but if she still is hanging onto OP she shouldn't be messing around w/you. I know you yearn to have her, that your body will ache if you don't ML w/her. But she needs to know she can't use you, that she can't have it both ways. You decide how, but it sounds like she is jerking you around.

Granted, her mind is still scrambled 'cause of MLC. But enough is enough, if you put your foot down she might actually come down to earth and shape up... or not. Either way you will have made a decision to free yourself and won't stay stuck in this sand trap. I hurt for your and I pray that you know and how to put a stop to the madness, at least on your end.

Im also sickening myself thinking of the A, can't imagen thinking about a current A. Do you think you could sleep at least in a different room for now?

Hi Cat,

Thanks for your reply.

Two points to clarify the sitch. After first learning about the A I moved out for about 5 months. It didn't make it any better. And I didn't see my D5 every day which depressed me even more.

During that time, actually about 2 weeks before she told me she wants to work on the M, I did ask her to choose. She chose Om and was VERY angry that I made her do that.

I'm almost certain if I asked her not to contact Om now she will choose him again. But on the other hand he is so sick that there is no PA possible. And it is a lond distance EA. W wanted to fly to him but did choose to stay w/me. She does write/email/call I'm not sure, but there is contact.

It seems in other sitches that it took a while for A to completetly go to no contact. I hope I'm at this place right now. I actually regretted moving out the first time, so right now I decided to hang in there even if it hurts so much.

Sometimes I feel as if I have to move out, but this happens usually after some discovery and when I'm angry and venting on this BB.

I also want to be around for D5. W is certainly in MLC, she said 2 days ago 'people tell me I look like I'm 28 (she turns 38 in a couple of weeks) and this is the last time I can live this age, I feel young.....' That's what make me afraid there will be another A. But she is already attached to 2 people so I don't know, it is probably just my paranoia.

If it would happen, I have to reconsider my sitch.

Otherwise I probably vent and scream here or in the car or...

And a different room is also no option.

Thanks again for your support. It helps incredibly.