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Update,

Had another MC session today. W is still in replay. Wants to buy an expensive sports car (Shouldn't I do that???)

W said she is not sure if she really wants to have another R right now. Just too much, me or even Om. She wants to get away. Difficult w/kids isn't it? WTF

W/Om all about communication, again, he accepts her totally the way she is. W/me, she doesn't know if I even like her now the way she is???????????? Anyway, now she is just w/me b/c of the stability, good for the kids... That hurts! I'm thinking about telling her to book a flight to Om, have fun w/him. I will be able to survive. Perhaps better for me.

C said at some point that real growth sometimes comes from a real pain. W asked if that is the case. I said I think so, or at least hope so, started crying, I just can't take this anymore.

Quote:

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W/Om all about communication, again, he accepts her totally the way she is.

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Think about the lat woman/girl you went out with. Did you not accept her totally the way she was? Point, it all starts the same. The wise ones know what the end of the journey holds. Don't let their infatuation screw with your reality.

IMHO your wife is making a case why you shouldn't be with her. Could it be that she's wanting you to make the decision because she's too confused to make it? I'm glad to hear that you two are in MC. Can you focus in your sessions about how to rebuild the M rather than talk about "her" and what she wants? Can you both talk about what "we" want? It sounds like to me that your W maybe in a MLC. I haven't read your sitch, but I wanted to interject a few questions about the counseling sessions.

Gwyn

don't let her drag you down, you know what you want, she doesn't thus she is confused and saying all sorts of nonsence. It has to be MLC, my H too reached a phase when he felt worthless and reached out to OP so he can feel worthwhile, he thought too much had gone on with us, that it was unfixable, I kept telling him "everything has a solution" he'd also say he didnt' think he could bear to work hard to rebuild us, I kept telling him it would be worth it, that we had invested so much in each other, that there is always hope (if I had a dime for everytime I had to say this to him over and over again!)

I know it hurts, my H confesed to C weeks later after he came back that he came back thinking he'd feel better but he didn't (ouch) we ML and he later told me it didnt' feel the same (double ouch). It has gotten better, it gets better, trust me, I'm pretty sure my H's depression lifted since he's back.
Your W needs time, it is a slow process of them finding out what is real. I totally agree with the above post above OM "accepting her the way she is". It is a new person w/no history w/her , of course she is going to feel all is well and rosy, as with anything new and unknown.

Hang in there, it is true that there is a while when they aren't ready for any R, they are just too lost (at about that stage my H was w/OP) they are trying to drown their sorrows into a new R, but it won't last long, it was a matter of time before OP got pissed off at my H for the same thigns he did to me, and he realized "hey, it's me! it wasn't my W all the time!"

Be strong, detach, she's got scrambled eggs for brains now, you are stronger than that, hang on.

Gwyn, cat, thanks for the comments. You both got it right, it is major MLC, right out of the book.

Just for the ones unfamiliar w/my sitch, W and I separated for about 5 months after bomb (A). During this time she had several weekends w/Om. Major roller coaster ride. Moved back together last month b/c W 'wanted to work it out'. She said the biggest reasons for her wanting to try again were my changes.

If I read my latest post I guess I'm pretty whiny. I just had a few bad days, hardly any energy left. Since we moved back together everything seems to be so difficult. I feel constantly watched, 'is he going back to his old behaviors?' And I had to vent.

But there is a reason why I moved to piecing, I believe that's what we are doing, even w/MLC still full ahead.

There are a lot of positives and I just have to focus on them.

1. W knows she is confused, but wants ME to stay w/her at least for now.

2. W said she loves me AND Om, just for completely different reasons. I offer stability, am the father of D5, and she sees I changed.

3. Om is very ill. She knows she is not able to live w/him. She can't take care of the kids as a single mother AND of him. He has no money, and the future is very uncertain.

4. Contrary to most on this board W likes to ML to me. Actually quite often in the last 2 weeks. And it is not so 'distant' anymore.

5. I have the feeling W likes to have me around. Last night we talked again about the MC session. I told her if she really needs her space and wants to be single again I'm ready to separate again if that is what is necessary. She asked if that's what I want. I said NO, but if it is what she NEEDS I can live w/it. She asked if we would still be spending time together! I answered yes, but certainly a lot less. Then she said SHE is not going to move out. A little later she initiated ML again.

W has a lot of issues. I got a second chance to be w/her while she is working it out. I just need to find the strengh.

To everybody posting, I mentioned before I don't want W to know I'm on this BB, so I have a very limited time on here. I try to update so that others might be able to take something from it. I learned a lot from other post in particular from Frank D. And I will keep reading other posts. If I don't post to others I don't have the time or anything meaningful to say.

EvolvingMe

I know this is really trying your patience at times, but the key to holding things together in addition to your DB actions is the stability you provide her and the kids, and your responsible behavior. Hang on and hang in there.

Another update....

Since last Fri W is depressed, mostly in bad mood, and very distant. Fri evening she told me Om is back in hospital. So I know why she is this way.

How do you guys handle that? W still has an EA, I doubt PA will be possible again. I know in the end Om doesn't matter, but I don't know how to get it out of my thoughts. I can't heal this way and it makes it so hard to piece. And I also can't rebuilt my trust. Now I have thoughts 'what if she is looking for somebody else, another Om in a better sitch than the current one'.

Over the weekend W said things like 'if we separate again we could still be friends? We would need to spend time together anyway...'.

And tonight W has a dinner at the restaurant where we were on our wedding. For some reason we never made it back there. Now she goes w/o me. And she is very excited about it. I'm not. I doubt she is actually having any memories about it. These little things hurt so much.

Sorry, just having a bad day.

EvolvingMe

Sorry to see the turn in your Sitch EM

I am in a similar sitch except my "EX's" OM is very healthy and fully in the picture and I'm "out".

In my case what I am doing is returning to the things that pulled my "EX" back to me...

That is moving on with my own life and working on things that make me and my Kids happy.

Perhaps returning to the begining in your case is what you need to do.

Best of Luck

ROK

Thanks Rok for your post. You have a point there. Perhaps it is time to go back to the basics again.

Journalling

Last Thursday I saw on our phone bill that W called Om at least 6 times in two days. And those were two days where we had a lot of fun and sx together. So I asked her if she thinks about Om when we ML. She says no, gave lame excuse for the calls.... The next day she sends an email w/apology.

We wanted to have a nice weekend together, but somehow this discussion made it pretty uncomfortable.

We have another MC session today. I don't know if I should continue w/them. When we started MC I told W that every book I read and every C I talked to stated that MC doesn't work when there is a third person involved. She agreed and said her C said so too. On our first session W said A is over. But with the stuff that happened over the last 3 weeks it is clearly not. So why continue with MC?

Perhaps I'm getting impatient. But it is now 10 weeks that W said she 'wanted to work on it'. I guess I still don't know what she meant w/that statement. And nothing really has changed.

W is still sitting on the fence. How do I get her off there? Any suggestions?

And does anybody see a reason for continuing MC w/Om still in picture, even if PA went to EA?

jeez EM, I now feel like a total whiner, you have more to deal w/than me.

I'd said it before and will say it again. If you dont' get anything out of your MC, get a new one. Though a good friend told me not to make C a crutch, that our commitment should be our "support beam" I still have the belief that a good C makes a difference.
Do you feel, when you leave the C, that some good comes out of EACH session?

Even if it is just for your sanity, I'd go in alone, I truly want to call my C now.

Our dear Lord give us patience and piece, this is just one of those days..weeks...