OMG Corri, I weep for the child this happend to and celebrate the woman who overcame it. You are amazing.
I don't mind the sun sometime
The images it shows
I can taste you on my lips
And smell you in my clothes
Cinnamon and Sugar
And softly spoken lies
You never know just how you look
Through someone elses eyes
BHS-"Pepper"
I read the story and felt anger, sympathy, puzzled, and many other things. Sorry you had to go through this.
I worked in a delinquent-boys group home and heard similar stories, some from the victimized boys (mostly their files) and some from case files where the boy was the perpetrator. For the most part, they didn't want anyone to know what happened or what they did.
Sad from both sides as many of the perpetrators were also victimized, but no reason for the perpetrators to recommit the crime on someone else.
I worked with a lady in the group-home that was abused by her step-dad. She told her mother, but her mother didn't do anything about it.
The main thing I wonder is, where do these two thoughts come from, that the victim has to endure the trauma, or a parent won't protect the victim.
No answer is required Corri. I read some of the literature and still have a difficult time with the conclusions.
Maybe I did a similar thing when I crashed my bike and had a slight brain concussion. All I was worried about was not catching he!! for ripping up my new pants and getting blood everywhere. I wanted to rinse off my face with the hose and hoped no one would see me go in the house. A much lessor event than yours, maybe it fits a pattern.
I am saying, kids avoid things when they should be more open about things. Maybe that is one way a kids feel when s/he thinks they have little control of life and has to save what little they have.
Let me repeat what CN said
"OMG Corri, I weep for the child this happened to and celebrate the woman who overcame it. You are amazing."
Thanks, everyone, for your empathy. I really do appreicate it. But my purpose in posting the story was not to garner sympathy (though I very much appreicate it), it was to further the discussion on becoming a woman... and respect.
I think you can all see how it would be very easy to get stuck in a mind-set of this event being the main crux of all my problems. It would be easy to take that time in my life and use it to foster a victim or martyr mentality, to use it as an excuse for everything 'bad' that continued to happen to me in my life. It would be very easy to use that time in my life as a reason for being distant, emotionally unavailable, to dodge vulnerability... to be perpetually angry.
And for quite some time I was all those things. It was a very, very sad thing to have happened, make no mistake. And it did cause me some very serious problems that took me years to address (and things will still crop up from time to time).
But what I wanted to underscore, again... was the complete and utter lack of respect in my life, and how its absence further solidified in my mind my own lack of respect for the feminine and for myself. When you lack respect for self and others, I don't know that it is something you tend to notice... for you've never experienced it... so how could you possibly recognize its absence?
Abuse of any kind... whether it is physical, emotional or verbal... kills respect. One who abuses certainly lacks it... the one receiving the abuse WILL lack it at some point, if not removed from the abuse. Acting/reacting, speaking in anger... lacks respect. It is not to say that people should stuff their anger, it is not to say that people don't have a right to FEEL and RECOGNIZE their anger... but to act/react while still in the mode of anger is completely irresponsible. We can ALL be abusive to others, at least to some degree, when we act like this.
So anyway, I think you can see why I was still puzzled that I continued to experience problems long after I had dealt with my abuse, my abuser, etc. I still had anger, I still had resentment, and all those other things. I knew the abuse and the situation in and of itself may have caused me untold issues... but it wasn't the root of my problem.
The entire notion of lack of respect, and my anger and resentment of women finally clicked it all into place. Without respect, you CANNOT have a healthy relationship... with ANYONE, including yourself. You cannot set effective boundaries, and you will seek out, unconsciously, others, like yourself, who do not respect.
I read somewhere once, the line: "another individual cannot abuse you any further than you are willing to abuse yourself." (Speaking for adults. Children are a different matter). For if another abuses you FURTHER than you abuse yourself, you stick up for yourself... fight or flight impulses kick in.
Being the 'peace keeper' in a relationship, being the fixer... is a lack of respect for self and other. It indicates lack of trust, and a need to control. And it is dishonest. And those who do this go a long way in perpetuating and setting up an atmosphere of disrespect.
Okay... so now I have discovered all this about myself, and I understand now WHY... all the stuff in my life, my Rs, etc., have gone the way they have.
It has been a critical discovery for me. But guess what? It has not solved my problems... like I've said... the anger is gone, the resentment, etc., etc... but still, doubt and some sense of fear remain.
This has perplexed me. Until I realized why.
I have a life-time of conditioned behavior and unconscious response to myself and the world around me to UNDO. To REWIRE. To relearn. I have a whole new way of BEING and THINKING to learn. And I am CONSTANTLY catching myself. It is exhausting, for I ALWAYS have to pay attention. It is mentally and emotionally draining. A lot of things are counter-intuitive... but... it's not like I lack intelligence or awareness... so I don't want to make it sound as if I was a monster or that this is something impossible to overcome.
This notion of respect and honoring self and others is not an altruistic ideal... at least it isn't to me.... not anymore. It is a very complex understanding that many of us just ASSUME we get, assume we have.
Even thinking back on my life... the things I learned to respect came from a place of fear or intimidation or consequence... which isn't true respect, at least not to me. It is pain/pleasure response.
What I am talking about may sound like 'self-love,' or 'loving' behavior. <nod> It is. But to me, that is exactly what love is. Genuine and honest respect. So when people say love is a decision, not an emotion... I say absolutely, for it is a conscious choice on how you decide to act and react to people, place, things and with self every single moment of the day.
I would go so far, at least at the moment, to say that if you are experiencing problems in your life... respect, or lack thereof, is going to be at the root of it all.
So when people say love is a decision, not an emotion... I say absolutely, for it is a conscious choice on how you decide to act and react to people, place, things and with self every single moment of the day.
I would go so far, at least at the moment, to say that if you are experiencing problems in your life... respect, or lack thereof, is going to be at the root of it all.
I hear you and agree. The difficult part is that while we may know we should follow our intellect and make a conscious choice in our interactions with others, it is often in contradiction with our emotions and what we feel. Pain and anger (and greed and euphoria) are so powerful because they involve such strong chemical responses. Learning to overcome these emotions to allow the intellect to come through is damn near impossible.
So much of what we discuss here is directed at controlling and dampening the emotions. Differentiation, detachment, being alpha – what is all this other than different ways to level out the peaks and valleys of our emotion, in order to do what we learn is right? How many of us know the correct answer, the correct response, the correct action and yet cannot follow through because of anger?
I still do not understand what it is in your realization of being resentful toward women that made you drop your anger. Can you tell us what it is about this epiphany that made a difference? Why didn’t a more obvious act like filing for divorce, getting half the assets, maybe some child support, custody of your kids, and any other financial “winnings” make you drop your anger? Why did a realization toward women (who never abused you I assume) be the key to your anger? What was it in this realization that calmed your emotion? Just trying to understand…
Quote: I hear you and agree. The difficult part is that while we may know we should follow our intellect and make a conscious choice in our interactions with others, it is often in contradiction with our emotions and what we feel. Pain and anger (and greed and euphoria) are so powerful because they involve such strong chemical responses. Learning to overcome these emotions to allow the intellect to come through is damn near impossible.
Again, it comes down to respect. I don't see emotions as something to overcome, and I don't think that the intellect should rule all, either. There is nothing 'wrong' with emotions, per se. It is how we act and respond in regard to them that can get a little whacky. For example, I can FEEL anger, a raw emotion, but I CAN choose how I act and react regardless of the presence of the emotion. I can respect its presence, acknowledge it, and let it run through me. If I choose to remove myself from the source of the anger, do deep breathing, etc., I can lessen the intensity of the emotion before I DO anything.
Sometimes... I completely SCREW UP, yell and scream, lose it, act in a disrespectful manner... and that is because I am human. That is where foregiveness enters the picture. I can accept the fact that I am human and NOT perfect, I can choose NOT to flog myself for mistake for the rest of my life... make a mental note to myself to let's not DO that again... and continue on with my life and my actions as best I can.
Quote: So much of what we discuss here is directed at controlling and dampening the emotions.
I don't think that is true at all. Like I said, emotions, like anything else, are to be respected. I think controlling and dampening emotions is actually counter-productive. I think it critical that whatever emotions are present, that we have the presence of MIND to acknowledge them, honor them, be honest about them, but in a respectful way. Just because you HAVE an emotion does not mean you have to act on it. But ignoring its presence only causes ulcers and depression.
Quote: How many of us know the correct answer, the correct response, the correct action and yet cannot follow through because of anger?
I'd say you are speaking of resentment, not anger. Anger is a flash emotion, very intense, and typcially does not last long. Resentment is the lingering affect of anger that has not been acknowledged, or has been continually stuffed because of our inability or unwillingness to be HONEST with ourselves or our partner... or a continued frustration because we are in a disrepectful situation and have no clue how to get out of it, around it, etc.
Resentment, then, kills respect, and THAT is why you do not do what you know is correct, for you do not CARE. Now respect for self and other is absent, and you operate from a sea of resentment, entitlement, depression, etc. All negative, and certainly NOT loving.
Quote: I still do not understand what it is in your realization of being resentful toward women that made you drop your anger. Can you tell us what it is about this epiphany that made a difference?
It is very simple, sweety. So simple that you blow by it, time and time again if you do truly acknowledge it. I resented WOMEN, I resented BEING a FEMALE. I AM female. If I rsented women, if I resented females, I resented and loathed myself, for I AM a female. But the thing of it is... I didn't KNOW I resented and disrespected women to the extent that I did, until I decided to TRY actually being what I call 'girly girl.' And once I truly tried it... everything started falling into place. Things began to click. Everything I was doing was a complete 180 for me... utterly foreign and certainly uncomfortable.
But I couldn't DO any of that until I had the courage to EMBRACE my femaleness, and in order to do that... I had to accept it.
All the details of my D are just that. Details. The biggest thing I did for ME in that whole process was to accept my H exactly as HE was, and I had the courage to say... 'no more.' My first act of self-respect. It darn near killed me. I stood up for ME. For the first time in my life, in a real and meaningful way.
Women did not abuse me, no. They don't have to. I never respected them to begin with, which I posted a few pages back.
Think back on your reactions to that story, Cobra. You felt anger and you felt sadness, probably a sickness in your gut at some point... and rather intense. But... momentarily intense. I'm sure you're over it by now.
But imagine being me and living with those emotions everday... that anger and sadness eventually works its way into resentment... a feeling most of us here are very well aquainted with. I got over it. I forgave myself, my mother, my brother... I dealt with my abuse, got over it... there was nothing left there for me to resent.
But still... resentment lingered within me. Resentment knaws at you from the inside... it erodes you, kills whatever joy may enter your system... and you are well aware of its presence... and I can tell you... you are well aware of its ABSENCE. So I thought to msyelf, okay, I'm over the abuse, and can stand away from it, see it as very sad, certainly be empathetic toward myself... k... so... if I'm not resentful about the abuse... then what the heck AM I resentful about?
You all have shown extreme empahty and compassion for what happened to me, and believe it or not, I can do that for msyelf as well. I am very kind and gentle with me when things crop up... 'episodes,' I call them. And they do, every now and then. I thought I was over them, but, much to my surprise... they can still come back. So, fine, they do. And I am kind with myself, and I know how to deal. I run the routine. I don't feel sorry for myself, but I am gentle with myself, and I move on.
In any event, though... I wondered to myself, can I be a girl? Why would I even WANT to be a girl? Yuck. I was intensely curious about my violent reaction to it... so I thought it was something I had better give a go.
In order for me to TRY being a girl, I had to accept and acknowledge that I was in fact female, and in order for me to do that... I HAD to let go of my resentment. I started wondering WHY I was insulted by BF's question of "do you even know how to be a girl?" Why would I be insulted by that? Indignant, even?
This is not something that happened overnight. It took some time, some trying and failing, a lot of confusion, frustration, etc. I had to make myself vulnerable and open to being 'led.' That was darn hard for me. During that process, I began to realize that my abuse was not the source of my resentment, for IT had nothing to do with what I was attempting. So I had to figure out what the flippin' problem WAS.
I hung with it, and there were times when I pushed myself too hard, actually. I started reading more, and trying different things, small at first... and I'd measure response from others, and how I felt about that... and the better I got, the better my responses, and the better I actually began to feel about myself.
One day... I woke up... and it was GONE.
Utterly and completely absent, and believe me, you notice it. I was stunned. And I thought... what the heck happened, what did I do? I'd been posting here on my progress... I knew something had changed, and in a very big way. And then just a week or so ago, that sentence 'popped' out of my mouth, and I knew for certain what it was, and what it had been all along.
I understand a little better now. I was thinking there was a sudden breakthrough when you uttered those words, but really it was just the final realization of a much longer journey. Got it.
I also understand that self respect is the heart of the matter as it creates self confidence and healthy self esteem. This comes from truly knowing yourself, facing your fears, acknowledging and accepting your faults and weaknesses and living by your values. I understand that. I also understand the backsliding and the role of forgiveness to accept our humanity and move forward in life. What I have a problem with is that certain thick-headed person who seems to keep backsliding and repeating the same mistakes over and over. It would not bother me so much if only I were affected, but when it involves my kids, its hard to stay out of the fray.
I know the answer should be to show compassion to her for her repeated lapses, that maybe it is her OCD or ADD that prevents her from breaking out of her bad habits (she likes to use that excuse), but when you start to suspect all this is just a cover to keep doing the same thing, to foster a certain level of agitation to keep any intimate emotions at bay, well, its hard to pull out that compassion. One thing that would help a lot would be to hear apologies for screw ups, and concern over the effect on myself and others. But that requires the self confidence, self esteem and respect to be able to say “I’m sorry.” And like you say, all that comes from letting go of the resentment. Without that, the emotions, the anger and resentment, run high and control everything. So this all brings me back to where I started, and that is to focus on the FOO and self acceptance to get to the point of self forgiveness.
I’m now wondering how much of your story is in my wife, how much her liberated feminism is in response to the teasing she got from her brothers and the message that boys could do whatever they pleased and girls just had to be nice. I think my wife hates women too, though she just can’t see it. She projects this as competition and aggression toward men. I guess that makes sense since men are the ones she needs to gain acceptance from (if she hates women and they are not worth seeking out acceptance). She is all about women’s rights, the superiority of women’s emotion over men’s dumb logic, how society has tried to subjugate women, and on and on. But like you say, isn’t that all from a lack of respect toward women and herself?
Well, I’ve got some thoughts to chew on a while Corri. I really appreciate you taking the time to lay out so much of yourself. Thank you.
Oh Corri, I can't imagine what it must be like to live with a memory like that. I think that you must be very strong to carry on as wonderfully as you obviously have. Clearly you have recognized that the events of your childhood had nothing to do with you, nothing to do with being a girl or a woman and really nothing to do with healthy sexuality. Reptile brain meets with sick, shamed, selfish, greedy culture and bad, bad cr*p happens all over the place. You were a victim as surely as if you had been in the Twin Towers on 9/11 but you survived. Take care of yourself.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
I have a whole lot of comments to make on this thread, but its meandered along so much I dont know where to start, and also, respectfully Corri, I dont feel comfortable discussing about you, and dissecting the specifics of the dynamic in the small part I played, since you opened up so much too me. Im very happy for you, and am really honored for your thanks.
The risk of me sticking my foot in my mouth is too high. and isnt worth it. As you know, Ive assisted in this particular thing a few times before, but I have no idea.... would never do it with M women-- the only way I know how.
Sooooo. Briefly to HD, Lou and Cobra. A woman deeply wants to, surrender to a man, whether she will admit or is aware of it. I said this a long time ago in different words. The more fear and anger surrounds her because of past injuries, the more imperturbable, the more indifferent you have to be to the tests. You have to be absolutely TEFLON. Humor is always always helpful. Its a good way to defuse and deflect, its useful to show the attacks are not crushing you, its a way to sarcastically self deprecate, thats not unattractive. You have to have a strong sense of requiring respect, so when she steps over the line, you are ready and immediately point it out and require it. The testing and lashing out is not at you, its them afraid of you....misplaced protection of self. Like an injured animal lashes out at those that try to 'help' it with its injuries.
Pointing this out to them (logicalling) is not useful.
In sexual abuse the rejection is NEVER about you. The very physiological act of becoming aroused, can trigger off her fight/flight. Think about how horrible it must be to have those two extremely disparate, but core survival mechanisms linked. Once that happens, she has no control. Personalizing the rejection is not understanding, not comprehending, not compassionate, not tender, you are not trustable... For females who have been abused, I recommed researching the link between your psoas muscle and fight/flight......
I just broke my promise to never go into this here. I am an uneducated nobody. These are my umprovable esperiences and beliefs. This is too complex....
I dont remember who, or when someone posted about compassion and the importance of seeing the hurts of the other person when they are angry. Also in your case Lou, I dont see this as being so severe, just general resentment built up over years.
There is nothing new to this realization of Corri's, that hasnt been described in MWD terms, Dr. Harleys terms or Schnarch, Deida, etc.
I see all of them as describing the exact same relationship dance, in different words. Which reminds me. I love the alpha male analogy, I often think in terms of lions or apes to describe/visualize this stuff, but I simultaneously realize its not palatable to everyone. Christians, or those that have a negative association with the archetype (symbolism) like lil pointed out to Paul (mandksdad). I dislike it because obviously not everyone can be alpha, and, the difference between us and animals is our conscious ability to re-create and redifine our reality, at will. We are beholden to biology and genes, but just cause we arent born something-- we can become much more. I am pretty sure Stig gets blame.... I mean credit for being the first to mention this concept. It wasnt me. I use to avoid it because it is so blithly and ignorantly tossed around by the seduction community, the very word of which implies manipulation, amoral agendas (animals are incapable of being amoral, selfish yes, that doesnt mean amoral, they are incapable of dishonesty or falsehood), scripted and false use of rapport, untill they are nothing more then actors confidant in the short term scene they are familiar with, with no true long term congruence or 'radical honesty', and assorted other completely NON alpha traits.
Ooops. started ranting. I encounter them regularly in my social circles and bartending gig. Like all diseases the organism soon builds up a resistance.
Think about what the word surrender means to you, and what it requires in order for it to occur.
If anyone thinks this means beating them down mentally or physically untill they wimper, pull your head out, stop reading, and get away from me.
Using Dr. Harleys concepts and terms, you must come out of withdrawal and go thru --even bounce in and out and in and out and in and out of conflict to get to intimacy. IT IS FREAKING TIRESOME. especially when you are receiveing double messages, and dealing with lack of awareness even. Are you going anywhere? May as well get started. Taking a break and giving yourself space is a completely rational need and honest. I agree with Martelo that Schnarch is really well suited for the LTR/M, in dealing with this. I believe it is especially well suited for men. In MWD terms, you have to drop the rope (stop caring about the outcome....if your requirement pushes them to D YOU, so be it, you require it that much, it rarely will though), lovingly detach, (not angrily lash out or withdraw, zero reactivity....yeah right , but repeatedly bring the issue to the forefront-- keep it there WITHOUT apology while not engaging any LB.... ex. This is what you want BUT your not going anywhere,)
Cobra you nailed it on the head with your last post. This is not an overnight revelation for Corri, there was a LOT of steps and situations that lead to this. Reread HP's last post. Its not impossible in a M, but it takes a great determination, to regain trust from her in your leadership abilities.
Corri has the added impetus, and emotional help in coming to these realizations, because she is in new R's. It makes it a WHOLE lot easier for her to see something when she is feeling it and being urged by her emotions to do it at the same time. the right behaviors will urge your W to feel the same.
The most valuable lesson to take from everything Corri said is ....as she works on being more herself, more female, more aware, free of her own gender 'hate', free of fear, the more honest, the more congruent she becomes with herself-- the more attractive she becomes to men. She has less fear, less insecurity, more true self confidance.... It shines out in her femininity. She can 'act' however she wants. Its the real her.
Ask yourself guys... Do I have a dislike, anger, irratation at my own gender for the ugly sides of male attributes, the darkness of assertive, the abuse of strong, the requirement and weight of leadership. If you do, your not going to be radically honest. Your insecurities are going to 'idgit' her and crash.
My internet connection is sporadic and tenuous at best. Cobra feel free to post to me. Ill get to it when I can.
Quote: Oh Corri, I can't imagine what it must be like to live with a memory like that.
I don't live with it everyday, not anymore. I did when I was younger... it was constantly in my face early in my marriage... as I began to work through the issues, it began to fade. It will continue to pop up from time to time, and it literally kicks my feet out from under me, because I don't know when it will come roaring back.
Quote: I think that you must be very strong to carry on as wonderfully as you obviously have.
While I don't want diminish your compliment (thank you), I have not carried on wonderfully, not always. I've continued moving along, yes, but there were years when I was a downright ugly individual.
Two years before my abuse started with my brother, my step-father did an episode of his own on me. I am almost certain he did something to my brother, (or it was someone else I knew) for I remember the DAY he changed. And radically. Before that day, my brother and I were extremely close... after that day, everything changed.
My mother and step-father divorced, we moved, got to a place where I think both he and I felt relatively safe... then my mother went and married a man neither one of us liked... at all. (My cat didn't even like him). We moved again, to a place neither one of us wanted to be... and not long after is when it all started.
A year later, my mother divorced again, we moved.
A year after my brother left the house, my senior year in high school, a boy I had been dating (who was a real dinner winner, let me tell you), broke into my house one night and proceeded to rip apart my bedroom and threated to kill me... because I had broken up with him.
I went away to college about two years after the abuse stopped. One weekend I was driving home and I was in a car accident. It was the first time in my life I had ever worn a seat belt... had it not been for that, I would likely have been seriously injured or killed.
I remember thinking very clearly, "God, what in the HE!! do you have against me?" I pretty much gave up on God for quite some time, and needless to say, I was an EXTREMELY angry individual.
I'm not making this up, I swear. There's even more that happened, but I really can't get into it.
Now lest you all think I was living in da 'hood, I wasn't. From the outside looking in... I was living a normal middle to upper-middle class life.
Quote: Clearly you have recognized that the events of your childhood had nothing to do with you, nothing to do with being a girl or a woman and really nothing to do with healthy sexuality.
I do now, but I can tell you, it took me YEARS to get there (and I'm still getting there).
But anger aside, I think you can see how it was very easy for me to set my standards very low, for I would always compare my current sitch to what I had lived through... I put up with behavior from others that should NEVER have been tolerated simply because I would say to myself... well... at least what I am living in now isn't as bad as that.
Was I a victim? Yes. But so was my brother. Being a victim doesn't let you off the hook. I could easily have become a throw away... a drug-abuser, an alcoholic, an abuser myself. To give you an example.... the way I got my abuse to stop was not how it happened in the story. I had an inner need to give my abuser some measure of compassion and self-accountability... what happened IRL is... one day, he came into my room... and I snapped. I've never in my life felt such blinding rage, and I literally threw my brother against a wall... lifted him off the floor by his throat, and told him that if he didn't stop, I was going to kill him. I could have done it right then and there.
And then I collapsed on the floor and began crying, begging him to stop. He sat down next to me, gave me a small hug, told me he was sorry and left. He never bothered me again, but I didn't begin sleeping at night until he left. Wasn't like I had a great deal of trust in him. But my point being... I got very familiar with some horrific parts of myself.
You can imagine how I panicked I got when I began to feel fits of rage during sex with my H. Rage scared the heck out of me... so did anger... and I stuffed it. A lot of it.
I would say there were times with my H that I got pretty verbally and emotionally abusive myself to him... but given his life background and mine, we should never have married.
But we did. And thank God I found my shrink. I thank God every day of my life for him... and quite honestly, he cried more in our sessions than I ever did. (I'm not proud of that, btw).
I worked long and hard, and my prognosis was very low. I wouldn't even say I'm 'healed.' But the one thing I do know, at least now, is the difference between hating myself and respecting myself, and I know first hand how damaging it can be to you and everyone in your life when you set your expectations so low, for you will allow things to happen that never should... all because... 'this isn't as bad as that.'
That is survivor mentality, and it is no way to live. For anyone.
Self-respect is an easy word to throw around. It is a concept easily misunderstood, for up until recently, I would have said to you, 'yes, of course I love msyelf, of course I respect myself.' Don't think so. I KNOW the difference now, and I can tell you I'm not all the way there yet, either.
At least now I know what I'm working towards. I was a victim once... long ago. To me, the most dangerous thing in being a victim is that it sets you up to always be a victim... can you see how I did it?
I'm not being hard on myself. It is something I always have to keep in the forefront of my mind so I don't end up kidding myself. It is so easy for me to fall into old patterns of behavior and thinking, and it is so DAM hard to change them. But I continue on with it because there is something I want now, more than anything. I don't want to show my kids how to survive, how to cross days off a calendar and live for tomorrow... I want to show them how to live, how to be happy, how to respect, how to fail, but not necessarily be a failure.
I don't know that D'ing was the best way to do that, I don't know that it wasn't. I made my decision, and still to this day, I make the same one.
For you all, looking at my life, I think it is very EASY to see why I might have done the things I have. But for me... I had a normal life (up until the abuse started). You don't have to live through endless childhood drama and physcial abuse to develop patterns of stuffing anger, disrespect, denial... all kinds of weird patterns of behavior.
Maybe I'm lucky because once out of it... it IS easy to see... unlike other adults who would describe their lives as relatively normal and happy. We all learn things, good and bad, but you don't have to be a kid to pick up bad habits. You don't always have to be a kid to learn defense mechanisms. Anger is as damaging to adults as it is to kids. Abuse, neglect, shame, anger, disrespect... it all hurts, regardless of your age.
I do know, though, that the only way to change it, to stop it, is to have the courage to say, 'enough. I've had enough.' And that requires self-respect.
This life thing is dam hard. Almost as hard as being a girly girl.
, but repeatedly bring the issue to the forefront-- keep it there WITHOUT apology while not engaging any LB.... ex. This is what you want BUT your not going anywhere,)