First thing this morning OM’s W calls and asks to talk to me. In a thread below I had pondered about talking to her and turning her on to DB’ers, but after some good advice I decided not to get into that. Now, she calls me. Sorry…but I just can’t turn away someone in pain, so we had a long discussion. Basically, we discussed the sych and I turned her on to Michele’s books and this web site. She says she loves her H and wants to make it work. She wanted me to send my W away in order to break up the PA (we are overseas military, and my W can’t stay if I don’t want her to…). I told her that would only make things worse, and that we had to suck it up and let the A run its course, and we needed to work on ourselves. I also told her that under no uncertain circumstances was she to ever, ever mention that we had talked.
How bad did I screw up??? I know the best thing to do was probably just to stay away, but I couldn’t just shut the door in her face.
Sorry I don't really have much advice for you other than you want to try to keep one thread going. It makes it a lot harder to follow your story when you start multiple threads for each sitch that comes up.
Just trying to help you get the most help you can.
IMINTROUBLE Hey, she contacted you and you talked. She wanted you to send your w away, you said no. End of story. You mentioned a book she might find helpful. You did fine. My point previously was that you don't want to be seen as the one instigating contact. If she calls again, you might want to say that "for both our sakes, it's better that we not discuss this together". I know it's hard to turn someone away but, as you said previously, she has tons of support from the other spouses on base. She wanted something from you that you couldn't give. Hopefully, that's the end of that. Also, I looked back on previous posts, beleieving I'd seen your name before, and found that this is not the first time your w has done this to you. WOW, I'm finding once is enough. My heart goes out to you, man. It must tough to go through this over and over again. P.S. GH is right, stick to one thread so we can keep track of you.
I'm a lot more used to posting on sports boards than divorce boards. You are right whatisis (you must have read my first post) this is not the first time we have been in this position. The difference now is that the W choose to end the previous A to work on our sych...she has stated this time that "she just can't do it anymore" and shows no intention of ending the A. As I type, she and the OM are out looking at apartments for him. Based on what his W told me, OM is in classic, flaming MLC "replay" stage. Apparently my W is the replacement W. Seems he canceled a pre-planned trip with his S16 to apartment shop with my W. Ouch and double ouch. As I said...were it not for D7, the W would be gone. But...I could never look my daughter in the eye if I don't do everything possible to save the marriage and the family.
Absolutely right! I'm "lucky" in that my w sees the OP once per week for a few hours and that is it! I don't have to spend time worrying about how often, where they are etc. I don't know how I would handle that if she were endlessly out or calling the OP. Isn't it sad when one thinks this makes him lucky!? It always amazes me when w says she's done everything to save the m (yours says she can't do it anymore) and when you try to think of one thing she's done, nothing comes to mind. I guess if nagging and pointing out h's faults is considered working on your m then mine sure has worked hard on the m! I guess what I'm doing now is called venting. Hang tough, guy! Remember, you are a hero right now.
My W left this Sat for a previously scheduled trip back to the US. She is going to get our D7 who is staying with my W's parents. They will be back on 17 Aug. Before she left, the W initiated a R talk with me. I did my best to validate. I also told her I did not think we had a "bad" marriage, but that I knew she was searching for something. Then discussion turned to OM. I told her I thought OM was having big-time MLC and turning his back on his kids. (She tells me his teenagers won't talk to him these days...OM canceld a trip to Rome with his S16 and spent time with my W). I fully expected to have this thrown back in my face, but she didn't do it. OM has her fully convinced that his W is a raving nut, but there are significant differences in what OM is telling my W and what OM's W told me. I did not relay any of this to my W. She acknowledged our marriage wasn't "bad", but what were we supposed to do...go on forever as friends, roomates, co-parents? Like a dummy I asked her what she expected from relationship with OM. Of course, she took that emotional 2X4 and swacked me with "I love him, and I hope our relationship works out". That night I had cooked a great dinner, and we watched a movie (until 1000 when she had to run out to take the nightly cell call). Now things get better. She came out and admitted she needed the car the next day to meet and spend time with OM. I said nothing, let her go. I fully expected her to be gone until late, but she came back as I was finishing dinner, we had pleasant convo, watched another movie until cell phone time. She come back after her cell convo looking like she'd just seen a ghost. She tells me a mutual friend of hers and OM went to OM's commanding officer and spilled her guts. This could be bad news, because OM has a very visible job on post. Needless to say, OM says he plans to bluff his way through any situations and let the chips fall where they may, something my W says she does not really agree with. (Integrity is a big issue in the military, especially in the officer corps...) Early the next day, she caught the train to the airport. She asked me to go to the station and help her out, which I did. She gave me a hug on the train and I left. Later, I got an email from her (she must have sent it from the airport, probably from the freaking cell phone the OM gave her). She said she was sorry I seemed upset that morn (?? I really didn't act that upset??) and that she thought it was good I'd have some time alone. Then, of course, the "you're a better person than me" and "I pray you find someone to make you happy, because I know I haven't" and the "if you need to talk, you are also welcome to call me anytime..." Maybe a she will come to a small amount of her senses while she's home with her parents, but I doubt it. At least I'm pretty sure she's not coming back from FLA with divorce papers in hand. It will be difficult when my D7 gets back, but we still plan to keep everything together for her as long as possible. Sorry for the long rant...the US satellite is on the fritz and I can't understand the French-speaking tv channels!
Glad to hear from you. Sounds like you did great! While she's gone sit back for a minute and just think about what she said. When you asked how things would be dif with the OM she said "I love him, I hope that things work out". What an incredible plan, boy she's got it all worked out doesn't she Have a real good belly laugh! Because if this wasn't real life it would be damn funny. It's another amazing example of the mindset of the cheating spouse. Obviously she still does care about you because all those things she said e/g call me if you need to talk etc. those are caring statements, they do mean something . Again, while she's gone re-read DB and/or DR and get your gameplan in shape. This has just begun. Hang tight. Be strong! You can do this.
Yes...in hindsight I guess our talks before she left weren't terrible...not good, just not terrible. Other than an email to let me know she arrived safely, I haven't heard from her since she left. That's not unexpected. I do not plan to specifically contact her, even though I will certainly speak to her when I call to talk to D7. One thing I forgot to mention earlier is that when the W gets back she is taking a new job in the post hospital...which is where the OM works (hell...he's the Deputy Commander!!). Since there a legal issues involved (technically, adultry is a crime in the military) I told her I didn't think this was such a good idea. She knows that, but the problem is there are very few jobs around here, and the hospital job is the best one available at the moment. She thinks that since her work area will be well off the OM's beaten path at work, it will not be a problem. I bet her a six-pack that OM will show up "off the beaten path" and at her desk within 2 days of her being on the job. So be it; if he is dumb enough to do that and get his rear in a crack, let him have at it. I know she wants to start working so she can be independent and function on her own if/when the D finally comes around. We did set some ground rules before she left. I told her in no way did I want the OM around my D7 until both of them were single. She readily agreed. As for my gameplan...it is going to be pretty simple...spend as much quality time with my D7 as possible, continue to be upbeat and positive, try to recapture some of the things I was doing when we first met, and generally just give her space (and rope). I'm also going to encourage her to continue MC and I hope I can get her to some adult children of alcoholics meetings. Oh...and pray a lot....
I know it's so tempting to try and "fix" her (COA meetings, MC) but tread with care. If she continually gets the message from you that she is the problem, she will bolt. Maybe try to validate her feelings for her rather than fix things. That's a toughie, I know. We guys are the fixers! Give us a problem and we'll fix it. Sometimes fixing it means to sit back a bit and give it some breathing space. My W always said "Oh, I guess I'm the problem then, I just need to get fixed and everything will be OK, right?" My attempts to make her see "the right way" to look at the situation was indeed the wrong way to reach her. It is so hard cuz you just want to shake her and say "For God sake, can't you see! It's so obvious." But they can't and we CAN'T make them see. Remember, (I'm into quotes today) "the best thing you can do when it's raining is let it rain". Finally, you are so right to look to your daughter right now. That is a love that will last forever so make it grow. Take care of yourself, you deserve the best cuz you are still a hero! Only a hero would hang in there for his kid. That's you!
Have a real good belly laugh! Because if this wasn't real life it would be damn funny. It's another amazing example of the mindset of the cheating spouse. Obviously she still does care about you because all those things she said e/g call me if you need to talk etc. those are caring statements, they do mean something . Again, while she's gone re-read DB and/or DR and get your gameplan in shape. This has just begun. Hang tight. Be strong! You can do this.