Have you had your thyroid checked? I read that (don't quote me, my memory is foggy) something like 1 out of 8 women develop thyroid problems after having children. Taking care of kids is draining and a lot of work! I hope that you and your husband can find some even ground!
Re wiccangirl41172 Could A man possibly want a woman "that much".. What do you mean that much? What you describe borders on a low-cal diet to some guys.
I never want him or want to have sex with him"..we have sex about once a wk.. maybe less sometimes He probably feels the "you not wanting him" in more than a sexual way. When sex lacks the emotional connection and there are frequent no's, a person feels a loss of value in himself.
He tells me he would never cheat and that he just wants me all the time. I started out not wanting anyone else, thought guys that cheat were selfish and thought there were never any good reasons to cheat. That is till some of the no's were going on for many, many years with just enough yes's to keep me in the M or to keep me from totally losing interest. It's not quite that bad IRL, but you get the picture.
No, I never had an A, don't really want one but now understand why people do have A's. A bread and water sex diet in a land of plenty does not compute.
You might feel it is just about sex. Some is. It is also about him wanting to feel close to you emotionally, about him wanting you to want, need, and appreciate him in many ways. It can be about wanting you to feel like he does, and experience the same highs he feels. It's different to different people.
It is usually more than just sex and this is what some H's have such a difficult time getting across to some W's.
Of course your reasons and feelings are just as valid.
He also is very Kinky or are you very reserved?
Would you look at some Sinclair Intimacy Institute, "sex education for married couples" educational videos? I could post a link to parts of one video dealing with the woman's pleasure. I don't want to overload you or suggest something you might consider too graphic. The Sinclair products are used by sex therapist and educators. People strip and do it to help demonstrate what some people like sexually.
I've really always had a low sex drive, except at the beginning of our relationship. What did you get out of your early R that you don't get now? Would you be willing to ask your H to help get back some of what was there, or be willing to try some different things at your pace?
We had a thread about women not asking for what they need and they were having sex with their H's and putting on a happy face but losing interest in sex. It is difficult for many people to ask for something they want/need, be it variety, pace, lead up time, etc.
I will say ask your H for specific things. Saying more consideration does not mean the same thing to him as it does to you. Say touch/rub/hold/kiss here. Take his hand and show him how fast and with the amount of action or pressure you like.
I don't want to get too detailed at this time because I don't want to make you uncomfortable.
I know this is my problem, I'm just tired alot with two small kids.. but I've really always had a low sex drive, Kids, work, bills get in the way of having fun. Kids do take a lot out of some people.
He watches them on occasion late at night while I'm asleep. I have done some of that too. I would have done it less had my W been more accommodating. Too many "it's late" or "we just did it" (2-3 weeks ago) from her. I understand her reluctance to have sex but it really upsets what I would really like to happen.
A poster, Chrissy was not into sex as much as her H. She decided to do it with him 8X a month but he had to show her more attention/consideration during the month. She held up her part of the offer but he welshed on the attention/considerations part and she began to likes sex less and less. Recently she was looking to separate.
My point is, If you decide to up the frequency, ask for things you need to feel valued, sexy, or what ever is missing right now. In some cases, giving without receiving leads to resentments. Everyone is different.
Giving and receiving is based on a sense of good will flowing both ways in the R.
I wanted to voice my views and post a few things that might help you and your H.
I am just curious, do you want more help from women, men, or about equal gender replies.
wiccangirl41172, this paragraph is not a complaint. It is 2:45 A.M. I am up because my w does not like sex, gets too warm when I am hugging her, and generally has many negative attitudes about things in life. In short, I have a lot of frustrations. I would rather be in bed, but wanting and not getting has a price I pay. I stay up and read, post and do some work on things. I would rather be in bed but have a difficult time with the emotional, sexual, and physical differences that are in our M. I would like you and your H to avoid being where I am after 38 years of M.
There are lots of caring people here, so stick around, open up and ask all kinds of questions. We are not professionals but come up with some golden advice and insights.
Thank you all for your insite... Let's see: In the beginning we had sex all the time! Then slowly dwinlded.... Then after my first son, it really went down hill... Oh the thyroid thing I have been checked for .. Its ok.
Its not that I don't want him, its I guess maybe the timing.. No time and by the time he gets home its 10pm and Im done for the day.
We own our own business and I quit my regular job 2 years ago to be with the kids. I do a lot for the business now, and have someone coming here to help me with the housekeeping etc.
My body.. well it doesn't look like it used to after two kids.. I still have about 10 lbs to lose at least. Im at 126 right now.. 5'2.. He is not turned off by me at all.. but I'm not that happy with the way I look.. I think part of my problem is that I need more of an emotional connection with him.. I don't feel I have that he wants me but that he doesn't really genuinely "care" about me. (sp?) I do get depressed sometimes.. Im alone a lot and that doesn't help a lot. I understand he has to work, Im ok with that.. but He's always on over drive and all his free time he wants with the kids.. We is completely understandable... but then there is no time for us.
I don't know.. it worries me.
Traci... by the way Lou... Sorry about your situation, I do hope you find some help and peace and I do think talking to all of you will help, male or female..
ok, this is what I dont understand... and maybe you ladies can help me since this is yet one other reason i get thrown at me for my problem (see neanderthal thread)
you are personally not happy with your body - your H loves it - so why are you so questioning how you look? dont you think that if you were that bad, out of shape, not attractive your H would tell you in some way, shape or form? i mean, i never understood that - at all..... and its that lack of confidence that makes us want you even more when we think your ok because, well, its our way of trying to fix things. THERE WE GO AGAIN - TRYING TO FIX SOMETHING
I'd like to suggest you go pick up the book "The Five Love Languages". It's inexpensive...and a very quick read. I recommend this because you mention there is no emotional connection for you...and I can understand how that wouldn't help your sex drive at all.
My guess is...the two of you don't speak each others Love Languages...I can guarantee your H doesn't if you feel no emotional connection to him. Chances are...you aren't speaking his either, albeit unknowingly.
Read the book...identify your own primary and secondary love languages...then figure out things that your H can do that would fit into those categories and communicate them to him. There's even a quiz in the back that you could take together with you H (in a fun way) and figure out what his Love Languages are....make sure to ask him what YOU can do to make sure you speak his languages as well.
This may sound like a bunch of hooey LOL...but speaking each others love languages goes a long way towards fostering that emotional connection you are missing...which in turn will help spark your willingness for sex as well.
As for the schedule you two keep...I would absolutely schedule in some quality time for the two of you, a date night once a week...or even once every two weeks. You make appointments for other important things in your lives...you need to recognize that you both need to make appointments for time to foster your relationships between each other as well.
This is a self-perception issue (that not just women suffer from). If a person is not happy with something about themselves...it has absolutely nothing to do with their partner....but it affects their self-esteem, their confidence doing certain things (like showing their bodies) etc.
It is all something going on within the individual, it's not something ANYONE outside can ever fix...it's up to the individual to become comfortable with themselves.
One important thing Marriage Builders endorses is all Marriages need 15 hours a week of couple time to avoid problems.
Here is a link to what they call the Basic Concepts . Read as much as you can. Some things are easy to see and do while other things more difficult to do or you might have a high need in that area.
wow, Lou, cool site! I am bookmarking that. And I like the questionarres... I'd love to know so much of that info about my wife, but since "the past is in the past and there is nothing we can do about it" is her sttitude, she doesn't appreciate my delving into that past. But still, I may have to try some of these.. Heck if she wants me to communicate with her more, she's gotta open herself up too!
Thanks lou. I did take a look at that site, its great.. but I have a feeling my h won't be so inclined. He's tired all the time from work and doesn't want to put much effort into the "emotional stuff" that we really need to work on. I can admit I need to work on the sex stuff, but I doubt he will admit that he needs to work on the emotional end.. meaning the conversation and cuddling time.. which I don't get. The only time I get a conversation with him its about an estimate I am doing for our business or kid related... sorry to whine... Its just getting old...
