Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Devil's Advocate

My situation is not unlike many I have read about here on DB’ers. I’ve been the OW, the WAW. My marriage is ending, but I haven’t come here to seek advice. Despite the apparent failure of my marriage, my husband and I are both good people…just not all that good for each other. I still believe quite strongly in marriage and that it really can work and be the “forever” we promise on our wedding day. I just want to help others, offer my insight bred through a multitude of experiences so that perhaps someone else can save their marriage. I disagree that every marriage can or even should be saved…I hope I don’t get blacklisted from this site for saying that. However, it is my goal to share what I can with those who DO want to save their marriage.

I’m sure many of you will say I’m too young to know heads from tails (I’m 21), and what could I possibly offer to someone who is having marital problems after 5, 10, or more years. Maybe you’re right…after all, I did ruin my own marriage. But I listen well, and perhaps if nothing else, I can offer a different perspective on your situation.

So you can get to know me, here is my story:

I met my husband in grade school; he was my childhood sweetheart. However, his parents were (and are) very religious, and didn’t want him around me. They moved several hours away when he and I were in middle school, and I wasn’t allowed to call or write, or even to know his address. I thought about him a lot, but moved on with life. Suddenly, after five years with absolutely no contact, he reappeared in my life! We started dating, deciding not to let our second chance slip away. Within four months we were engaged, and got married the summer after graduation. I went to college and we both worked, but we were happy.

I met a guy in one of my classes who showed an interest in me and to whom I found myself attracted. I refused to act on the inappropriate feelings, and immediately confessed my problem to my husband. The reaction I got astounded me: he suggested we try an alternative lifestyle, an open marriage. He told me later that he thought it was a phase I was going through because I hadn’t dated a lot in high school, and that he figured I’d quickly move past it. I went a little crazy there in the beginning. He slept with a few women, but I had a lot of men. He started feeling neglected and unloved, and I realized the mistake I was making. We decided after only a few months that we didn’t like the open relationship. Shortly after I was exclusively with my husband again, I got the amazing news: I was pregnant!

Financially unable to support our child, I dropped out of college and he joined the Army. Everything seemed to get better for awhile. I wasn’t ever unfaithful during my pregnancy, and after I moved to the base where my husband was living when the baby was two months old, I seemed to have gotten over the desire for other men. As I started making friends and getting out more, though, the desire returned full force. I loved being with my husband, but I enjoyed the other men too. I kept it a secret for awhile, knowing he didn’t want the swinger lifestyle anymore. It should have scared me that I lied so frequently and so flawlessly, but I justified it to myself by saying that I was protecting him. I knew I wanted to stop eventually, but I just hadn’t gotten to that point yet. I never really considered myself as having affairs. To me, an affair meant some sort of long-standing arrangement and what I was doing was just enjoying the sexuality of a variety of men.

Then the day came when I met HIM. I went to a swinger’s party and was drawn to a man. No big surprise there…that was the point after all. Got to be friends with him and his wife through a mutual friend and began spending all my time with them while my husband was away for a month in training. I fell in love with him, which I wouldn’t even admit to myself, let alone him. I was trying desperately to help him sort out other problems in his own marriage, and I certainly didn’t want to be a contributing factor in his imminent divorce. But one night he forced me to have a conversation in which we both admitted what was really going on. He had also fallen in love with me, and the only thing we were doing was hurting our spouses.

My husband returned, and I admitted to everything. Our marriage spiraled downward, because let’s face it, you can’t have it both ways. I am getting divorced, but my husband and I remain on good terms. I didn’t know what I was looking for until I found it, but now I have, and I won’t put my husband through anymore pain.

That’s the abridged version…I welcome your thoughts and comments, but please remember that I am not asking for advice. I am satisfied with the situation’s conclusion. I simply want my unique perspective to be able to help others if it can.

“Live life without Fear, Apology, or Regret. You have a right to be who you are.” ~ACM

Hi Helping,

we're always happy to have multiple perspectives on this whole crazy ride. wow - you've packed a lot into 21 years. Just curious, how long have you and the OM been together?

My only suggestion to you is that you consider holding off on marrying for a good long time and focus on some personal and professional goals. Also, you might want to consider doing a lot of dating before you settle with one guy. You may think you know what you want now, but you probably thought that before. Age, experience and maturity will really help with this.

I hope this doesn't sound too negative. I just think it's good for young adults to take time enjoying life a little before committing to the challenges of marriage. I hope you have family that might be able to help with the baby so you can go back to school. Good luck to you!

He and I have been seeing one another for five months...I know, seems like nothing. However, he and I hold a spirtiual concept involving past lives, and feel we have "known" each other a good deal longer.

As for waiting to marry, I definitely agree. I'm not interested in burning myself the same way twice, especially since the first burns aren't fully healed.

I'll be completely honest - and I'm a cheater too. Only once, but isn't that enough??? I read your post and tried to keep an open mind. You are young and just trying to figure life and love out.

However, the one thing that hit me in the gut that I could not get past was your sig.

"Live life without Fear, Apology, or Regret. You have a right to be who you are."

Damn. That sounds like my OW mantra. I'm not going to get into to it too much, but she constantly says, "I have a right to feel what I feel, be who I am and want what I want."

Yes live life without fear. But do so without apology or regret? How will you ever learn or help those you have hurt? If I had that mantra, I would still be with the OW with my wife is stuck raising three kids on her own. The first step to true knowledge is knowing we know nothing.

You obviously want to do the right thing or you would not have posted here. Much like me you found out that you did not get bashed as much as you thought.

I am the last person to tell you how to make and keep a marriage, but you have sooo many potentially happy years ahead of you. I think you need to do some soul searching. Yes life would be grand if we could be happy. I envy those who are. However, there are others in the big ol' world who we may step on to get to our happiness.

I'm not trying to bash you at all. You could read my situation and rightfully bash me. HELL I had an affair while my wife was at home with our 3 year old daugther and pregnant with twins nonetheless! Trust me I have not been a saint.

But before you make any decisions, I think you need to look at yourself and your worldview.

Take this with a grain of salt. Hope it helps and good luck in life's journey. We will never know all the answers. As soon as we think we do, we are shutting out all life has to offer.

You seem to have been very honest. I have a couple of questions. What was your family life like? Did you come from a split home? Where you abused (I know that is personal. You don't have to answer if you do not want to). Was your dad a good father?

Not trying to pry. You came here for help. I may not be able to offer you any, but knowing these details may shed some light on what makes you tick.

Joker, I can definitely see where my personal slogan may come across wrong on this sort of forum. Know that it isn't meant the way you took it, though I can see how you got there. The glory of miscommunication...lol. The thing is, that slogan came about when i first started trying to get published as an author; it's my reminder that no matter how many rejection letters I get, my work is just as worthy (and sometimes worthier) of publication as the stuff already on the shelves.

Live life without Fear - fear of failure or of pain. How often do we choose not to risk the jump for fear of the fall?

Live life without Apology - Apologise for mistakes, actions that didn't measure up or that hurt others. But don't apologise for who you are. We're all on a journey and we're taking it one step after another. Where we are is sometimes a long road from where we were, and we've all got a long road to go, but each of us is doing the best we can RIGHT NOW.

Live life without Regret - Frequently we make mistakes, and sometimes others pay the price. Sometimes others hurt us too, can even change the choices we might have made. Don't forget the lessons that go with with mistakes, but don't let the mistakes rule you either. Vow to make each day better than the last, learn from your mistakes, and heal the hurts as best you can. How can you walk forward if you're always looking back?

And I really do appreciate the advice, especially as it come from another who has fallen from grace. But I knew when I got married it was the wrong thing for the wrong reasons...I just pushed it out of my mind as bridal jitters. I knew I should have called it off but I didn't, and so I paid the price. My only saddness is that my ex and my son will pay for my foolishness too.

As to your other questions:
I grew up with three brothers, now 29, 26, and 19. My parents are celebrating their 30th anniversary in September with a cruise. My dad and I (both of my parents in fact) get along famously. This whole situation with my ex and my SO has him baffled, but we haven't let it hurt our relationship.

It's very astute of you to ask me if I was abused; that shows the mark of someone used to looking beyond the behavior to the CAUSE. And I'm impressed...too many times we forget to ask WHY someone is doing the things they do. Kudos to you for knowing the right question.

Yes, I was abused for seven years by one of my brothers. At one point i wasn't sure who was going to kill me first, me or him. I went through all the stages of grief and I had a lot of issues for awhile, but I have a very strong spirit. I continue to heal, and he and i have come to terms. We get along quite well now and I know he'd be the first to come to my rescue in a bad situation.

And that is another reason I live without regret. I admit, I threw myself a pity party or two in the beginning. I blamed my brother for the things i had become, and the things I'd never had a chance at. But misery is a choice, just like happiness. And i am a stronger person for what i have experienced. Because I have seen some of the darkest sides of man, I been able to help others understand and cope. My choices define who I am, not my circumstances.

Until your next post...I wish you happiness.

****Live life without Fear - fear of failure or of pain. How often do we choose not to risk the jump for fear of the fall?

We agree on that. That's a start.

****But don't apologise for who you are.

I don't have all the answers and do not pretend to. Nobody is infallible. Life is a journey yes. Hopefully it is a journey of looking at our faults and trying to correct them to be a better person. IMO with the idea of "But don't apologise for who you are" will never allow you to look at your character flaws and weaknesses. This keeps you from being a stronger person.
I guess we disagree here.

**** Vow to make each day better than the last, learn from your mistakes, and heal the hurts as best you can. How can you walk forward if you're always looking back?

We agree and disagree here. You can't live in regret, but I think regret is part of the healing process to take you to the next level of making change so you WILL learn from your mistakes. If you do not REGET them, how can your learn from them????

****But I knew when I got married it was the wrong thing for the wrong reasons...I just pushed it out of my mind as bridal jitters. I knew I should have called it off but I didn't, and so I paid the price

ME TOO.

****My only saddness is that my ex and my son will pay for my foolishness too.

I did not and DO not love my wife. I WILL not stay in a marriage "for the kids", but I think they are enough reason to give it at least on last shot. THEY will suffer more. Not me. But I guess we have different world views.

****Yes, I was abused for seven years by one of my brothers. At one point i wasn't sure who was going to kill me first, me or him. I went through all the stages of grief and I had a lot of issues for awhile, but I have a very strong spirit.

That is a VERY brave thing to admit. IMO men who rape or abuse children need a long slow death. I really do hate that you had to go through that and have to deal with that pain.


****And that is another reason I live without regret. I admit, I threw myself a pity party or two in the beginning. I blamed my brother for the things i had become, and the things I'd never had a chance at. But misery is a choice, just like happiness.

OK. Put your guard down for just a min. and absorb this. Yes misery is a choice like happiness. I think you have some powerful good coping skills. Many other women who were abused the way you were would be in complete shambles and a trainwreck. You are a strong person.

Those coping skills helped you get through an AWFUL AWFUL circumstance. You obviously have a strong mind. Those coping skills were exactly RIGHT at the time, but they may not be right for day to day life. You know normal day to day life. You can't continue to put up the shroud of your defense mechanism for all of your problems.

To be a leader, you have to wash feet. To be proud, you need to be humble. You are cerebral, but to have knowledge you have to know you know nothing.

That does not make you a doormat or a weak person. In fact it makes you strong. Because that is the hardest thing to do.

I don't like to "compare" pain. Whatever pain someone is going through is still pain for them. But trust me when I tell you, I have felt pain equal or worse than yours. I'm not one of those "grew up on daddy's credit card" type of people. I am very sensitive to those who have had pain.

Tear down the walls of everything you believe about life and rebuild. You may come to the same conclusion, but you may find a whole new world to. If your scared, just say your scared.

Helping2heal,
A few things here. 1) sexual abuse, as you know, hurts deeply and has an enormous impact on how one views and partakes in sexuality. Having many partners is one way. Your courage is amazing but I wonder whether you have considered any therapy, counselling etc. for the abuse. Maybe you have but I feel it important to point you in that direction if you haven't. 2) You met your current love at a "swingers party". I hope you realize that infidelity is often a repetitive pattern. It becomes a way of coping when a m isn't going well e.g. the bills need paid, she's too tired for sex etc. Watch out. Actually, you may be the one who steps out on him. 3) You mention that you and he are spiritually connected in some way. I can bet almost every spouse in an affair has met his/her "soulmate"(I know mine has). It's a typical (and worn out) reason to leave a marriage. Usually m starts to go south when the day to day problems of existence creep in. In the A all the day to day issues aren't there, it's just you and him, the centre of each others universe. It can be the biggest fantasy around. Beware of it. Also when you say that you knew from the start you never should have gotten married, that is another common one. The A colours everything and selective memory sets in. You remember the bad but forget the good. You make a case for whatever it is you want to do. I was told my w was never happy in our m. Again, selective memory. Anyway, I hope my rambling is helpful in some way and thanks for having the courage to share with us.
Hi, forgot to mention my view of fear . Fear is an important feeling to respect. It keeps us from doing some dumb things. It is meant to bring risk to our attention. But you are right, don't let it dominate your life, use it as the tool it was intended to be!

Ah well, sometimes we must agree to disagree, eh? I'm ok with that. I value your opinion, whether we take the same view on everything or not.

If you do not and never have loved your wife, then I am both saddened and yet somehow in awe of you. Yes, your children are important, and I get the idea that your wife is really a great person. But what about you? I know it sounds selfish, and maybe it is, but don't you have a right to happiness too? And doesn't it worry you that your kids will have a slightly bitter view of marriage? They can tell, you know. Children can see when their parents have a loveless marriage. Just a thought. It takes guts to make that kind of commitment, to subjugate your own happiness to the integrity of your family structure.

As for being scared...no problem; I'm terrified on a daily basis. There's a song that talks about stepping off the straight and narrow and you don't know where you are...that's me. I had a life with an easy roadmap; then I decided to take a detour. My choice; no one's fault but mine. There are days when i wake up wondering what the **** I'm doing, that I'm leaving a good man that never did anything to hurt me. But I refuse to live a life of quiet desperation. I was not happy in my marriage and the outlets I was finding were only making things worse. The doubts don't scare me; if I had NO doubts WHATSOEVER, that would. If I have doubts it means I'm still thinking. If I suddenly stop questioning, it means I'm walking blindly without caring. I'm questioning these choices every step of the way, and I'm convinced that I'm making the right choices for me.

Thanks for replying...I enjoy the variety of thoughts and can gain some new perspective through this forum. In answer:

1) the sexual abuse (as well as the physical and emotional) did indeed have an enormous impact on my life. And yes, through therapy I have examined the possibility that some of my sexual appetites stemmed from the feelings of worthlessness that came from that treatment (i.e. why SHOULDN'T I allow men to treat me that way because I wasn't worth better anyway). But I know I'm not worthless and, though some of my behaviours did stem from this bottomless pit of despair, my desire to be with other men did not.

2) I knew what I was getting with my SO. Believe me, the fact that we met at a swinger's party hadn't escaped my notice. Our lives are fairly chaotic right now with two divorces (yes, he was married too...I'll take the bashing I have coming on that one) in progress and other complications, but would it suprise you that we might continue to swing once everything is settled?

3) Trust me, my memory is quite clear about my husband, and I DO remember the good times, quite a few of them. And as for the "excuse" that we shouldn't have gotten married...he almost called it off less than three weeks before the wedding, and it was more my pride at the wedding plans falling through that had me fixing things between us than anything else. Honestly, I knew at the time he was right. And cliche or not, my SO is my soulmate. I think it'sad that our society has conditioned us to believe you can only have one.