Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Pain - A Question for all you ladies

I had to bring up lube in my R. I didn't want him thinking he wasn't turning me on... he was, but it just wasn't enough lube for longer sessions.
I bought one of those fruity flavoured massage gels which can also be used as lube - plus they heat up! Then I introduced it as a massage tool... which soon became more.
It was great! On top of lubing both of us.. it made oral sex more interesting.
You might have to shop around for the best one for you. There are a few that are very slippery - good for fun, but makes a mess of the bed. There are others that taste horrible!
It's worth spending a little more for a better taste.

If you want to have sex more frequently, why don't you mix up your activities a bit? For instance, if your W is otherwise agreeable to a second round, why don't you make it oral rather than intercourse? I also agree about the lubrication being key. I'm quite HD but also fairly "thin-skinned" so I can definitely understand how "soreness" could be a limiting factor for some women. It's definitely the kind of thing, like avoiding sunburn, where prevention is necessary. In addition to lubrication, your wife might consider avoiding the excess use of any sort of drying cleaning products. Also, many women have low-level untreated yeast infections that lead to genital rawness.

I read about a new lube. I believe it is called vibrel. It is supposed to increase sensation and lube at the same time. Haven't tried it. I concur with the mixing it up a bit. I used to have a lot of pain with ex-H. It had nothing to do with size and a lot to do with anxiety because the R had problems and not enough lubrication and a general lack of trust of him. I'll bet if you back off the intercourse and improve the relationship there will be a lot less pain involved. Like HP I will still get sore if H and I have had a lot of activity but it is a good sore not an unpleasant one.

Karen

My wife has been the same way...in just about every detail. I used to hold out hope for imporovement at first but as it's been more than 12 years I've resigned myself to the fact that that's as good as it's ever going to get.

Yep....more than every other day and she's sore. Even on an every-other day basis the odds of it being tolerable for her only about 50-50. The other half of the time we just have to stop...all lubed and gunked up for nothing. And she's resigned to it and refuses to talk to a doctor about it. And she's not even in menopause yet.

She put up a good act through the honeymoon and first year of marriage...only because she wanted to get pregnant (which thank God never happened. And now, never is, due to other medical issues).

Penis too big? I don't think so, even though my own is only slightly under that 8-inch mark. It's not a matter of deep penetration, believe me, because we've considered that and I've tried other things to get around that. And yes, we know about the importance of lube - wouldn't think of going without it - but even with it (and we've tried Astroglide but found it no better than KY liquid) the chances of "success" aren't any better than above. Then so many times I get so mentally wrapped up in worrying about it hurting her that I either don't enjoy it and/or can't keep it up and/or don't get it up in the first place. And it's not me because on my own when I don't have to worry about her my success is 100%.

Bah. After a dozen years of this b.s. and being the only one to care enough to put any effort into doing anything about it, I've given up. As of the last few months, I don't even initiate anymore...and she now cares even less. Once every few months she gets turned on by some romantic movie and then we make an attempt and have that same old 50% chance of it being any good. Who needs it?

For years I've realized that the best sex life I ever had was the one I had with myself before I got married. And that's exactly what I've gone back to. If and when she ever cares again, we can try it again. If I even still care myself by then.

I second Astroglide. I see no reason to have a discussion about it. Just discretely put it on before you enter and see if she notices. I guarantee that you will enjoy the results much more.

I didn't see anyone mention the angle of penetration. For myself, sometimes a bad angle rubs the opening of the urethra, and that hurts. When this happened, I explained to my H what was going on, and changed his angle of entrance. Once he understood what angle was bad for me, he was able to avoid it.

Also, there was a time in the past when I had some deep abdominal pain during deep penetration. Sometimes it's a sensitive ovary (like during ovulation). Also I once had an ovarian cyst. It was benign, but it caused pain.