No harm done gabby . . . I certainly wasn't mad . . . I just wanted to clarify! Nothing new to report . . . still keeping my PMA going! Maybe I've finally jumped out of my rut!
Just a word from one who knows; be careful. We call it a roller-coaster for a reason. CELEBRATE the hell out of this "high" point but please don't dispair if another low follows. It happens. The trick is to learn to level out the tracks.
GH
P.S. Don't worry, if you become the first in your sitch to get off the ride this early, then more power to you!
Well the ole PMA is down today . . . BUT . . I am keeping to my thinking that holding it against him gets me nowhere I want to be. I'm moving along with my thoughts and feelings about the affair.
He called again lastnight. It's hard to trust him while he's out on the road. . . harder than I thought it would be. But I am taking his word for what it is, and no more.
It was a pleasant enough convo. I messed up though. OOPS . . I'm still learning. Like walking on shaky baby legs. He was talking about moving us somewhere (out of state) and he asked if I would be opposed to leaving PA.
STUPID ME says, "Not really . . . (long pause here)." (In my head I'm thinking that I'll move far away from everyone I really know and he'll pull this running away crap and I'll be stuck with NO ONE to help . . . and my poor parents would be stuck buying me a plane ticket home to live with them)
So he says, "Tell me what you're thinking . . . " I say, "Well PLEASE don't take this wrong. I'd be glad to move with you. I just want you to wait awhile until you're really sure you're going to stay. I don't want to get that far away and be stuck again . . only with no one to help."
He says, "Well I wasn't saying I wanted you to move this week. I'm talking down the road us moving somewhere."
SOOOO . . . I don't know if that was him saying that he really still isn't sure. Or if he was trying to calm my mind by saying I have time before he's definately asking me to move.
STUPID EMILY STUPID!!!!!!!!!
This made me a little angry although I didn't let it show or even say anything about it.
Since "our" Cavalier just crapped out on us again . . . he's decided to get a "new" car (it'll be way used). So he's been looking at trucks . . . and I heard him telling the one guy that he needed the extended cab because he had to be able to fit two carseats in it (he was looking at the trucks before he came up to visit). BUT . . . since he's been looking after the car blew up. He starts telling me about this Supra that he found. Sure it's his "dream car" BUT . . it's also a sports car. So I said, "You might want to look at something we could at least put a carseat, since you're trading the Cav in on whatever you get." He replies, "It's got a backseat." I say, "Oh, I thought they were two seaters." "No it's backseat is as big as the one in the Cav."
So . . . alright it's got a backseat . . . but I feel like I am going four steps forward . . ten steps back with him. He was all about finding something I could drive since he'll be on the road so much. Now he's looking at sports cars for himself. Geesh . . . . I didn't push the issue and when he said all bummed out, "It'll be gone by the time I get back though." I pulled out my supportive side and said, "You never know it could still be there, you might get a chance at it."
He's not proving that he's going to hold up any of his end of the bargain. But I guess in these dealings all bets are off. I am going to continue to work on myself . . .and keep my good thinking going. BUT geesh is he frustraighting.
Ok, I'll reply to just a part of what you posted...
Quote: So he says, "Tell me what you're thinking . . . " I say, "Well PLEASE don't take this wrong. I'd be glad to move with you. I just want you to wait awhile until you're really sure you're going to stay. I don't want to get that far away and be stuck again . . only with no one to help."
He says, "Well I wasn't saying I wanted you to move this week. I'm talking down the road us moving somewhere."
Emily, trust me when I say that one of the hardest things to learn is what makes something "ok" to say/do and what makes it not ok. Sure, there are no rights and wrongs in all this, but if you're like the rest of us, you'll be constantly amazed at what you are slammed for, and what you are praised for.
After that build up, lol, I just want to tell you that I think you handled that PERFECTLY. You say STUPID EMILY STUPID, and I say yes, but only for thinking that what you said was foolish.
Here's why it was good. You directly and honestly expressed your feelings in a way that had NOTHING to do with him. You just told him you wanted to move forward but were afraid. Even what you said about wanting to be sure he was going to stay was fine.
The problem comes when you hold all this in and act out because of it, saying and doing things out of anger you build up inside you.
Expressing yourself in a non-confrontational way is GREAT and I think since it's something you've not done much of, it will feel a little strange to you. It's not like you constantly want to "express yourself" because that's more like nagging, but when he brings something up, you should respond with how you feel and not worry about how HE may react.
Please, understand that you have a RIGHT to feel the way you do, but not the right to just be pissy about it all the time. A saying comes to mind "Piss or get off the pot." You just took your first piss, now get off the pot and take care of those girls.
Quote: and my poor parents would be stuck buying me a plane ticket home to live with them
Ummmmm... NO. Because no matter where you are, you are going to finish your correspondence course, get a job and take care of yourself. I'm not saying you wouldn't need help. I'm just saying that you need to stop thinking you need to be rescued all the time.
Emily,
What if he is waiting for YOU to be sure? So far, it really sounds like you are the only one not on board with this reconciliation...
Amy . . I understand completely what you are saying. I know that I would have a job, because just like you said . . I am going to finish my schooling and get that extra diploma! BUT . . . he's talking about moving to like Texas. So . . . I doubt that what I would be making in a job that I would have would cover all the rent and bills. Besides I wouldn't have car. The car we have now is totally in his name . . . as I imagine the next one will be too! He makes sure that the bigger things we have are only in his name . . then I can't stake claim to them. I would really be up $hit creek without a paddle. I suppose that's another stepping outside of my comfort zone things. But right now I have an apartment and I DON'T need him to support me AT ALL. If he walks away I will be totally fine. If we move like that it would take me longer to get to a point where I could say that I could cover EVERYTHING. That scares me because he's not reliable in our relationship. I am scared that we move and have big bills . . . and before I could get on my feet the job and everything he would run . . and leave me stranded with no car and not enough money to take care of myself and the girls. I don't want that uncertainty.
Maybe you're right and he's waiting for me to get the whole way on board. But I'm wondering if my behaviour this past weekend didn't scare him off and make him second guess his decision to come back. Then again maybe I'm just not giving him enough of a chance to prove that he really wants this to work out this time. I don't want to be making the wrong moves by holding myself back from this reconcilation. But I don't want to jump in with both feet like I did the last time and have him do what he did.
Quote: Amy . . I understand completely what you are saying. I know that I would have a job, because just like you said . . I am going to finish my schooling and get that extra diploma! BUT . . . he's talking about moving to like Texas. Texas needs Veterinarian Assistants too. And who said your education has to stop there? So . . . I doubt that what I would be making in a job that I would have would cover all the rent and bills. You could cover enough to get the hell out if you have to...there are programs that would help you get started and then there's child support and half of everything he owns, too....should he decide to screw around again. Besides I wouldn't have car. You sure don't have very high expectations for yourself do you Emily? How long will you go without a license? I'll tell ya what, he's not keeping you down NEAR as far as you seem to like BEING. The car we have now is totally in his name . . . as I imagine the next one will be too! BS! Not if it's YOUR car....and you are helping to pay for it, the maintenance, gas.... He makes sure that the bigger things we have are only in his name . . then I can't stake claim to them. Oh REALLLLY? I would really be up $hit creek without a paddle. Yep. For as long as you expect him to go get it for you, you will.
I would have my license by the time we moved. Point is . . . the only thing that he owns the stupid car. It's ONLY in his name. Therefore I can't touch it. It's his. . . if/when he decides to leave me . . . the ONLY thing that he owns goes with him. I would be left without a way to get around, LICENSE OR NOT.
I get that there programs for help . . BUT most of them ESPECIALLY in bigger areas have LONG waiting lists. I know because I've applied downstate and been told that there was a 6 month - 2 year WAITING list. So I can't imagine what that list would be like in the areas he wants to go to. SO . . . if I couldn't come up with rent money I would left with my TWO DAUGHTERS . . standing in the street without so much as a car to live out of. UNTIL I could get help from somewhere. I don't know ANYONE in any of the areas he wants to go to.
I understand that I could pick myself up from there. Point is . . I don't want my daughters to have to endure that type of hardship because of him. If I moved with him . . . he would be the one with a job and I would get one once there. Although it's still going to take 6 months to a year for me to finish my course for Vet Assisant. I get that they need them in Texas too . . but NOTHING garuntees me anything more than a job packing groceries at Wal-Mart.
I AM NOT KEEPING MYSELF DOWN. . . MY WHOLE POINT WAS THAT I DON'T WANT TO RELY ON HIM FOR ANYTHING EVER AGAIN. He won't put up his end of the bargain. So I guess my answer to him on the phone should have been, "HELL no . . I won't move anywhere with you . . because you're a lying sack of [censored]. I won't leave my apartment where I can pay for myself to live to have to rely on you for awhile."
After all when he kicked me out in December I was weeks away from moving out anyway. I asked him to give me that time to get my own place so that I could keep my job. He said no.
I've been through this before . . . I WILL NOT GO THROUGH IT AGAIN!!!
