Emily, let me say one more thing to clarify. I am frustrated at seeing people stuck because they CHOOSE to remain so but act like a victim of some unseen forces of nature.
If you came here and said "you know what guys, I am going to sit here in my house, wait for him to come back and accept the pain that may cause, all the while being the best mom I can be." then I think many people may try to get you to do something else, but I would HOPE they would respect the fact that you actually CHOOSE to do something instead of feeling powerless.
In fact, you ARE making a choice not to do anything but you're not owning that decision and keep posting how much it hurts, as if you aren't part of the problem. Your pain, as expressed in terms of what HE has done to you does not exist. You are allowing yourself to feel pain because of what he's done. What he's done has no more power over you than you let it have. Emotions are strong yet temporary and once they ease off a bit, it's up to each of us to make the decision NOT to wallow in them anymore.
So, if it helps at all, I think you need to make a decision, ANY decision and then work towards achieving the goals that come from that. Constantly posting that you don't know what to do is ringing a little hollow these days. You DO know what to do, you just haven't decided to DO it yet.
Cassie (the OW) called. I guess he's been making all the same plans with her as he has with me . . . I.E. He loves her and wants her to join him on the road after his 6 months VS. with me he loves me and wants us to move to get away from everyone.
She was very upset . . . said she gave him the D papers because he asked her to. Lied to her about coming up here (said he had to leave from Ohio on Sat.) She said she loves him more than anything else . . he's her whole world. Etc. . . He's been telling her I'm this and I'm that . . just like he does about her when he is with me.
OH man . . . what a liar!
I am trying to figure out what I need to do for me. She said she's leaving him. . . when he calls her today she's going to break it off with him. Do I believe it? Not for a second.
I know one thing is for sure. I am NOT staying in this relationship. I don't think there's anything he could do or say that would prove to me that he wants to be with me.
I am really confused as to why he would do all of this. Was he keeping me hanging so that he could choose between us . . .and now he's chosen her?? Maybe. . .
I know that you all are right and I shouldn't/can't dwell on that right now. I wish I had a friend to reach out to right now. . . . I feel so alone. Emily (my friend) is supposed to be coming over after work . . . I sure hope she's stops.
I am devastated . . .but like GH said I can chose to drown in 4 feet of water or I can get up and walk out.
I have to walk out . . . . It's just forcing myself to do so that's hard.
He's got someone else already (he's been telling her he wants to marry her . . etc) and I'm left holding all the baggage.
WALK AWAY EMILY . . . WALK AWAY. . .
why is it so hard for me to choose to just walk away??
Quote: But for now at least, good riddance. He is dysfunctional. He is a liar, a cheat and not even half the man those girls need to be their Daddy.
That is so true.
I am trying to deal with all of this. I am trying to work my way through all of my emotions . . so that I can be stable and happy for my girls.
I keep thinking that I am sad for them . . . but I know they will be better off. We all will. I can find another man who will love them as much as do.
I guess maybe I just wanted them to have BOTH biological parents because I never got either of mine and it's caused me a lot of pain.
That and you always read about the horrible effects of D on children.
Anyway. . .
What steps do I take . . Other than breaking off contact with these people??? I've never fully been to this place before . . . I'm unsure of where to go.
Don't worry Amy . . I called the Domestic Relations people and asked them what was going on with my case. (I added Kiya) and I also gave them ALL his new info (as they haven't been able to locate him yet.)
I don't need to be in contact with a lawyer or anything though right?
Well, you get your child support in order, just like you have done.
You get out occasionally and take a break.
Maybe get at least a part time job.
Do you have a sitter?
Someone that wouldn't cost you an arm and a leg?
Look into all the assistance that is available through your social services office. It's okay to get help. You need it.
Just don't let it become a crutch. This is where you are going to pick up the reins and take charge of your own life.
Finish your Vet. Asst. course. It's a way to get a foot in the door and could lead to an even more fulfilling future...why did you choose the Veterinary Asst. course?
You might also ask yourself if you want to go back to school in a real classroom. You might qualify for a Pell Grant among other things. Whatever you do though, the key is that you DON'T stop here. Believe me, I know what it's like to be afraid. I was that way when I was just a couple years older than you. I had come out of the Air Force with a baby in tow and no "baby daddy" .
I had to live with my mother.
Whew, that was a freakin TREAT .
Anyway, by the time my son was 2, I met my husband, we married, I had another baby and that's when I lost my entire focus. It became all about the kids and my husband. Sadly, in THAT order, too. When they were finally both in school I did not know what to do with myself, had ZERO self-confidence as to how to even really communicate with another adult that wasn't a family member.
I'd sheltered myself and wrapped everything around raising the kids. I remember I used to look at the awards and letters of recommendation that I came out of the AF with and think "where IS that girl?"...
Anyway now I know that I allowed all that crap to go on because I was afraid.
I really didn't WANT to be a grown up...
I had to have a mid-life crisis before I finally knew what the hell life was REALLY all about...and yes, it IS all about family but it is also about being a functional, contributing member of society as well.
Feeling like you're doing something worthwhile...that you MATTER.
I now work in a law office.
I can do a paralegal's job and I only have a sporadic college background.
I got a call just yesterday about a job that may even pay more than this one. YIPPEE.
Emily, I turned 37 years old in May and I JUST bought my own car in December 2004. Up til then it was one clunker after another. Lord, the stories I can tell about those hunks of junk....one literally burst into flames in the grocery store parking lot right after me and the kids slammed the doors shut & were walking up to the entrance!
But NOW I drive a 2003 Dodge Stratus and while it sure isn't the hottest thing going 'round, she's pretty as hell and she's mine and I have never missed a payment or even been late. It took me a LONG time to be able to do anything for myself. You're only 21, you can overcome this hardship and SOAR.
Just believe in yourself and don't settle for anything less than your best...and that's from INSIDE of yourself AND from the things you allow to go on AROUND you.
As for him, I'll just say this...
...dirt on the bottom of your shoes.
When he left me in May. . . I had to get on the state assistance programs and that's when I filed the child support. I am taken care of for now.
I am applying (actually turning it in tomorrow) for a job at the local highschool. My family is big into that school (my mother and sister both taught their . . my brother was/is best friends with the superintendant.) not that it garuantees me a job . . but it might help me get my foot in the door.
I choose the Vet Assis. program because I ABSOLUTELY LOVE ANIMALS . . all through highschool I had what everyone lovingly called a "zoo" in my bedrooms. My animals where always well taken care and when my vet didn't know what was wrong with my iguanas I always nursed them back to health. I miss them all sooo much. I cry for my dog all the time . . .she was really my best friend. Anywho . . I've always really wanted my own petshop . . . I'd love to be a breeder. I figured I could at least help take care of peoples animals for them . . since I'm not in a position to have any right now.
OK let me go back to my sitch for a minute.
Cassie (the OW) is very distraught. . . she said she was done with him. But I'll bet they'll stay together. Hopefully she'll make him happier than I did. Doubt it. She called me again today (so two times total) with more question about different lies he had told. and asked me if he called me "butterfly" . . . I guess that's her "pet name" from him. I told her no I was "babygirl" . .
I am trying to handle this with as much compassion and self respect as possible.
I understand now that my marriage is over NO MATTER WHAT . . . but it doesn't help the heartache . . or the extreme sense of loss. I just have to push my way through.
Sorry guys looks like there won't be any great DBing sucess story coming out of this situation. . . .
I hope that it's OK if I post my way through the divorce though . . . is there a forum just for that? I really would love to keep coming here . . you guys motivate me the most . . . and kick me in rear and make me swallow the drama and keep truckin. Thank YOU ALL!!
I could use some advice on how exactly to get myself to let go . . and accept the fact that I love him and he obviously doesn't love me . . . it's over. I mean I know that . . but I'm having a hard time accepting it. I know it's a choice . . . but what do I tell myself to make the choice????
Quote: Sorry guys looks like there won't be any great DBing sucess story coming out of this situation. . .
Emily, we want YOU to be the success story. THAT CAN STILL HAPPEN. And THAT is really the focus of DB. Taking care of yourself and growing as a person. You're going to do that. Not because you FEEL like it. But because of those girls. And one day, you will look at them and say "thank you". They will wonder why and you will tell them that it was them that gave you a reason to make something out of your life. THEY are your HOPE. Because you, like all of us parents, want BETTER for your kids, than what you had.
As for Cassie, I really wish you would not talk to her anymore. She is not your friend and you don't need to be hers. She'll likely have to be burned a few more times by Casanova before she wakes up. Doesn't even matter though. The point is YOU have already awakened and although it hurts, yes, you will push through this.
Of course you can still post here. You can stay in this forum or move to Separated or wherever. Just stay here if you feel like we help at all.
Quote: I could use some advice on how exactly to get myself to let go . . and accept the fact that I love him and he obviously doesn't love me . . . it's over. I mean I know that . .but I'm having a hard time accepting it. I know it's a choice . . . but what do I tell myself to make the choice????
There's no big secret to letting go. It's not really something you visibly do. I think it's more the act of continuing to live and live better, in spite of it all.
Just got off the phone with my H (he called) Said he talked to Cassie and they are fine. He's going to stay with her . . . and probably marry her etc.
He's through with me and never coming back (I told him that's fine I wouldn't want him to. My heart is breaking though . . . I feel like I lied.)
I am BAWLING . . I have to stop this.
I tried to talk to him a little about the custody stuff (hoping that we could get out of big long court thing) . . . he only got mad. Not worth my time. He got really mad when he mentioned me taking them around another man. I told him flat out . . you're damn right I'm going to find them another dad. I told him that in a few months Felina won't remember him and then I could bring anyone around and she'd learn to know them as a daddy (if that's what it ended up being.) He just told me, "I hate you." Point is . . .
There really isn't one.
I've lost my H to OW. He won't even be civil with me on the phone. He said this lasttime he was going to try to come back to me . . but decided I wasn't what he wanted . . . she is/was.
I wish I had a OM . . so that I wouldn't have to hurt like this. I guess that's the problem . . I HATE BEING ALONE.
A person should be able to be alone. I mean it's not like he was ever here.
He said he was sorry he hurt me but he's not sorry for what he's doing now because he really loves her.
I guess I was the biggest mistake of his life.
I know this is all I've went off about tonight. But I am not in the right mind frame to think about forward movement . . . I need to cry and get this all out . . . so tomorrow I can start my new life.
.
.
Doubt it.
Thank YOU ALL!!