Hi Emily I don't even know why I came on here again this morning but felt i should before I go out
I guess (and this is what I tell my all my friends when they ask my opinion on tricky stuff) You need to do what YOU can live with.
you still have a few options you can choose to believe him that he was playing around with his brother if you know that they fight very rough and hurt each other, and tell yourself if it was a 'hickey' then he would not not have turned up incase you saw it
you can ask for a closer look of the mark - bruises do not look all the same and a 'hickey' mark is not like a bruise from fighting about if its a choke hold type there should be an outline of fingers
you can then make a decision as to what you think it really is and if you feel it a 'hickey' mark then I guess you can decide he is still lying and feels that you will just believe him
so there are three options on the neck mark (and I am sure there is more if we think about it)
he said he prefered being with OW I guess you can ignore it as something said when he is upset and trying to hurt you (which he seems to do doesn't he - he tries to hurt you because he feels you hurt him)
or you can decide that he can go - even if he is just trying to hurt you because he is immature and spiteful and you have had enough
you have been annoying the hell out of him (apart from him seeming to expect that everything would be a bed of roses) maybe you should tell him that he annoys the hell out of you and that as of this moment you trust him about as much as you would trust a psychopathic crack addict you could lay down some rules and tell him he needs to clearly understand that it will be a very long time before you trust him - and if he wants to make this work he needs to work at it probably harder than you will
and he went out for a walk to be on his own - well that will the problems NOT - maybe you need to ask him is this how he is going to fix all problems as they occur - because you don't agree with how he tries to solve this stuff
you could just pack his bags and tell him its over - take control of the situation yourself and move him out ask him to lose you number and you will mail him updates on his daughters or he can take you to court for access
You notice I say 'you can' because this really has to be all your decision at the end of the day you are the one who has to live with the choice you make
now you could also leave things alone - not say anything, apologise even blame it on the hormones and just keep on doing this or even take money from him for the support of his daughters and meantime work out what you want from this relationship if you want it at all
I think it is about time you asked him how he intends to deal with his daughters when they grow up and you begin to have problems with them as teenagers when they try to be independent and break the family rules what does he intend to do if they lie about what they are doing (he can't exactly tell them off as so far he is not a good role model) ask him what he would think if his daughters married a man exactly like him who cheated on them what would he do about it if they came home upset
I think he is a very selfish person who has not grown up yet and it is sad that he already has two children when he seems to still act like a child himself
but at the end of the day Emily only you know what to do only you have to live with the decision you make
your last comment on your reply to Amy even you by saying you are waiting for a second opinion are really saying that you want someone to talk you into giving this another try you don't want to give up
so then don't - but slow it down big time - maybe things are moving too fast - maybe he is getting frightened he does seem to want to run away I would not be going anywhere with him until the children are both lots older - like you say you will get stuck) one thing I get the feeling about here is that he seems to want to have more control and power over you and your life and he would get this by taking you away from everyone I may be wrong here but this is the feeling I am getting
You have a little life set up where you are and you need to stay until you are at least 99% sure of the future with him
maybe now is the time to think about you and the girls and to plan a what you want for your futures have two plans one that includes him and one that doesn't
let him know you are willing to try this but you are working on both you plans and he is not included in one of them
I guess the big decision here is on what you want and what you are willing to put up
you need to think about this indepth you need to take some control over you life tell him you want to do some kind of coure to get qualified in some area ask him to pay for it maybe
you have a few choices here keep trying to be nice to him and let him keep doing this or lay down some rules (similiar to what you would do with a beligerent child)
there is a big difference between DBing and being a doormat for someone to wipe there feet and angry/guilty emotions on DBing talks about trying to fix the problems while at the same time concentrating on yourself and becoming more independent getting a life and doing things with your life having plans for yourself
this is what you need to do yes its hard with littlies but not impossibe join some kind of mums group with the kids there must be plenty around get out and make friends with other new mums with small children
there has to be lots of things you can do and if you really want this work Emily stop being a whiney dependent on someone else for my happiness type person (sorry but you know I mean it in the nices way)
go get an Emily life think you and the girls against the world get angry with your situation if you think it will help and tell the world and everyone in it 'watch me'
good luck
you can do this
the hardest thing will be working out what you will put up with - and what you want control over
Well last night I went out and finally celebrated my 21 b-day with two of my best girl friends. So my H stayed home with kids. I wasn't going to go and he told me it'd be good for me to get away on my own . . away from the kids and stuff.
Well . . . while I was gone he packed up EVERYTHING. Most of our movies and the XBox and EVERYTHING like that, and locked it in the car (I don't have a key.)
This morning he tells me he's leaving tonight and doesn't want to be with me anymore etc.
Well he's calmed off of that. BUT he's horribly grumpy. It hasn't been a pleasant day and I've been trying and trying. He is still leaving tonight because "he needs time to think and clear his head before he goes on the road."
I don't know where he is going or where he is going to stay . . . only that he is leaving.
1) This latest crisis is not your fault. 2) You and your girls are going to be OK.
I want you to know that I can see that you are trying to work on yourself, but I think it's impossible under the circumstances.
You and your H both need some space. I believe that it would do both of you a lot of good to spend a couple of months without contacting each other (use email if necessary to communicate about finances).
He's not ready for any kind of relationship with you, and he won't be until if and when he grows up. You can't save him, and you can't make him do anything. You need to set him free so that he can figure out on his own if he wants a marriage with you.
In the meantime, a couple of months with no contact will do wonders for your life. You won't be constantly worried about what he's doing or what he's going to say to you or if he's coming to visit as promised. It will do wonders for your ability to develop your own life and you end up much more relaxed.
So, I really think you should calmly ask him this evening not to call or visit for the next two months ... that both of you need the space to figure out what you want out of life.
Emily, if you do this, though, you will need to be very strong and resist any and all temptations to call him until the two months is up. This is very, very important.
Take care.
RB
PS
Quote: He is still leaving tonight because "he needs time to think and clear his head before he goes on the road."
If he's going to clear it, he'll have to pull it out of his a$$ first.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Well he left lastnight . . . all his crap in tow. He said he stick around the area and come back and say good bye before he went on the road. No such luck he's in Athens (where he TE he's going on the road with lives.)
Well "he cleared his head" . . and he doesn't love me anymore.
Without thinking as we were hanging up today I said ILY (force of habit) . . and like a slap in the face he said, "I know YOU do." WTF????
I don't love him that much. I panicked for a few hours lastnight. . . but this morning I am calm. I accept that it's going to happen. I'd like to speed it along . . but I will NOT file for the D (not my place I didn't wreck our relationship by kicking him out and having OP and all that crap. I don't keep running away I am willing to roll up my damn sleeves.)
Today I will calling to update my child-support case. I filed it at the beginning of June and they still haven't "found him" so I'm going to tell them Kiya was born. And that he's working for Schneider and give them his parents new address (since that's where he'll be living.)
He's acting like he's been seeing the OW again. Would take his phone out of his pocket . . lied about even having it on him. The marks. The way he seems guilty, and cranky.
It all seems like he's seeing her again.
He burnt me once and that's on him . . . twice is my fault. I refuse to let this happen. I think that unless I find some true peace and understanding before I talk to him again (God only knows when that will be. Hopefully he'll care enough to contact me after Kiya's next DR. appointment) that even if he begs to come back and shows up promising the moon and even if he really has it right in his hand. I'm going to tell him to kiss my ass . . . and shove it up his. I'm tired of being his revovling door. When he gets lonely he walks in and when they're on speaking terms he walks out?!?!? I'm his ^&*^^&*(&) doormat. I will NOT be anymore. I am just going to start looking for a new daddy to my girls and leave the past where it belongs.
Quote: Emily if one of you daughters was in this situation what would you be hoping for them??
I would be hoping that some one whould shoot the loser that's hurting them right in the kisser.
I wanted SOOOO badly to ask my H what he would do if someone was doing to one of his girls what he would think/feel/do. But I didn't . . he "hates" that when we talk it always has to be about that "feelings" crap and important convo is totally out the door. This is the Kevin I remember. Not that great guy that I got a few weeks with.
I think he has some hormonal imbalance and honest to god wonder if he shouldn't get his head checked.
Well I talked to him again. He says he didn't the myspace page! Well then who did? Anyway. . . he says he wants more time to think and figure things out . . so he wants me to stay in "limbo" for him. I told him he'd better make up his mind before I make up mine!!!! I don't know what I am going to do.
No yeah I know what you are saying.
He's on the road for two weeks now (FOR SURE THIS TIME)
so even if I wanted to call and talk to him I can't.
So . . . unless he changes his mind in the next two weeks it'll be that long before I hear from him again.
I am just trying to get my bearing on what is going on.
I want to make up MY mind this time and not just go along with whatever he wants.
It's going to be hard because I've been in this "limbo" stage for quite awhile.
Now we both are . . . . didn't take him long to run out again.
I just don't understand why he is doing all of this. I know I don't need to . . . but it would help me move along.
What should I be doing now?
What DBing step need to happen now. FOR ME NOT HIM!!!!!
