Thanks GH and Mamabear! I see that my last post locked out! Hopefully this one will only show more progress . . in me if in nothing else.
Well the trip today was pleasant enough. I found out nothing about my daughters condition. They put her on antibotics as a "precautionary measure" . . . and scheduled an ultrasound and another meet and greet with doctor on August 4th.
The trip down and back is about 4 hours each way . . . LONG when you have be there at 8 am. I am exhausted and frustraighted that I still don't know if she'll be alright or if she'll require surgery!!!!
It was hard trip as we went down the same route my H and I used to travel ALL THE TIME! We went down to the area he's been living in for the past 6 months and the area that he and I had lived in and out of. He was certainly second on my mind but I couldn't help feeling stabs of pain when I saw a place that he and I had went frequently or that just for some stupid reason reminded me of him. My mind equates places/sounds/and smells to people and the memories of them. Maybe everyone is like that, I don't think my H is though.
ANYWAY . . . well I am no less worried about my daughter, but for now there is nothing I can do except pray that she will be fine.
I agree totally with you Mamabear . . .I could live without my H . . . but if anything happened to one of my kids I would just about die! I cry just to think that something could be wrong with her still . . . .I just try to keep it from my mind because ultimately I can't fix it and it will get taken care of. I need to just enjoy the time I have . . . and not fret over it.
Wouldn't it be great if I could apply this thinking to my marriage?!?!? There has to be away. But Kiya isn't doing this to hurt and I just feel that what he did (the affair) was done to hurt me. Kiya's sitch is TOTALLY out of our hands . . . and he could've prevented what he did. I see the problem . . . now to find the answer.
Emily when i read your post something caught my eye. How is it you are able to brush aside thoughts of your childrens health, but can't relate it to your own marriage? You need to think about how you push those thoughts aside about your children and do the same thing when you start dwelling on Kevin and the ow. That seems to be the next step.
I honestly don't believe that kevin had the affair to hurt you, we all make mistakes some just more than others.
IF, and I am not sure I read it right, you are really saying...
Quote: I just feel that what he did (the affair) was done to hurt me.
as something you currently feel then you need to get over it. Very rarely are affairs had to hurt the cheaters spouse. The worst that can usually be said is that they do it in SPITE of their spouses potential pain, but not in attempt to CAUSE it. Notice the difference. One view will allow you to not take it as personally.
As I was standing outside having a smoke (something that I picked back up rather quickly since having Kiya) . . . I came to a HARD realization.
Me holding this affair against Kev because "he could've prevented it" Would be similiar to me holding what's wrong with Kiya against God because "he could've prevented it".
WHAT GOOD WOULD IT DO ME? It would only make my sitch worse to turn my back on God . . . much as I am only making my sitch with my H worse by holding it against him.
PLEASE do not think that I "brushing aside my childrens health" . . . I AM WORRIED TO DEATH FOR MY BABY. BUT I can clearly see that sitting around crying and dwelling on the fact that she may have to have an operation is NOT going to change the outcome . . it will only make my interactions with her unpleasant and hard (much as I have been making them so with my H).
Then that unrational voice in my head chimes in . . . Once I know what is going to happen with Kiya it's going to happen. She's going to have to have the operation or she's going to go through life normal. BUT . . nothing can predict human nature. So my H says he wants to come back now . . . that could change and he could have another affair.
There you have it . . . more circling with myself.
I know what I have to do . . . I have to make the decision that I will NOT doom this marriage any more than I have already. I just have to MAKE myself do it. ACTION . . . .
Quote: Me holding this affair against Kev because "he could've prevented it" Would be similar to me holding what's wrong with Kiya against God because "he could've prevented it".
With that realization, you "got it" then you proceeded to talk yourself out of it. Like I've been saying, until you want to be happy more than you want to wallow in the sorrow of it all, and the entitlement you feel to be angry/sad/victimized/powerless/etc, you WILL NOT BE happy.
You can't keep doing this. I KNOW you get it, it's just that you can't let go of the security your negative emotions provide you. Yes, I said security. Right now, you feel safe in being angry and sad. If you decided today to be happy, all of a sudden you're in uncharted waters and you'd have to accept the unknown. You KNOW how to be angry and upset, that is natural to you now. Learn how to accept that the unknown is NOT something to be feared or avoided.
Embrace that idea and venture out of your comfort zone. Try to let go of the anger long enough to see that you are no more entitled to it than your H is entitled to his affair. It's something you choose to do because you won't let yourself see the other paths you can walk down. Choose something different today.
That was my point. I just thought I'd show you my whole thought process. I can leave the latter part out next time if you'd like.
Now that I do get it . . .it's all in just making myself take action on it. As you all know that's the hard part. I can talk until I'm blue . . . but I have to start living that way.
Quote: I just thought I'd show you my whole thought process. I can leave the latter part out next time if you'd like.
I thought so, which is why I qualified what I said. I figured you might be thinking out loud but that in the end, you DO get it. Don't change how you post. Post what you wan and we'll reply how we see fit. Fair?
Quote: I thought so, which is why I qualified what I said. I figured you might be thinking out loud but that in the end, you DO get it. Don't change how you post. Post what you wan and we'll reply how we see fit. Fair?
FAIR!!
Well my H called me from the road. . . . we talked briefly, he said he'd call later when/if he could talk later. We talked about Kiya appointment mostly . . . and a little about his driving. He seemed to be enjoying it . . . and I praised the hell out of him!!
So far today has went a lot better as far as my thinking is going. Maybe this time it will stick!
I don't doubt your love for you babies. I guess it came out wrong, sorry. What I did mean is that if you could change your thought process about your babies then you are more than capable to do it when it comes to Kevin.
