Quote: Yet, regarding all this, this is the 2nd morning I've woken up to SO having away messages on his screen name that are directed at OW. One's that are sad and sappy, quoting blue song lines.
I'm about ready to send him an email that I've seen them and he can shove off. I mean, I'm not snooping, he knows he's in my buddy list, for pete's sake. And it makes me feel like crap and it makes me really, really PO'd.
Ok, here's the thing. I KNOW it's early in the "reconciliation" if you can even call it that, but he DID say he wanted to come home, be with you, clean up all the crap, etc, right? So if that's the case, if it's been made clear to you what his overall intentions are, why can't you just be open and direct about it.
You said it required no snooping on your part so I have to assume either he didn't care if you saw, or is a total idiot (sorry). In either case, can't you just tell him that you believe he wants to be with you and make things right, and you want the same things and are willing to wait for some of it to happen but these kinds of communication undermines even the beginning of "working on things" and ask him why he's still doing it in light of his recent convos with you?
I KNOW he is all over the place lately but I think OT told me something once (BTW, wonder if we have a little OT yet?) that really made sense to me once I heard it, but I didn't understand before at all. Once that line was crossed, where the WAS expressed clear intentions to recommit to the marriage, then the door was once again open for more direct expression of the LBS's feelings.
I know your first instinct is to just tell him to shove off, but what harm would it do to simply AND nicely ask him what's up? Who knows, maybe he will have something to tell you that is different from what you imagine is going on, and better than that, maybe, JUST MAYBE, you will believe him.
I can't promise miracles, but in watching Emily go through her sitch, constantly on edge about whether or not to trust her H, I realize more and more that at some point, it truly doesn't matter. If they are going to be a$$holes, then they are, if not, well then it behooves us to not treat them like they are guilty of a$$holism before we know all the facts.
NM, you have come so far and are so strong. I know you've been through a lot with this man. All I ask is that you give him a chance (ok, like the 1343th chance but who's counting...) to answer for his actions in a way that a RESPONSIBLE, COMMITTED PARTNER should, even if that commitment is only a few days old.
If I am off base, so sue me, lol. Just my opinion.
NM, all I can tell you is that if my W decides that she wants to live with me and work on our M, I'm pushing all my chips to the middle of the table. For me, the risk is worth it.
You've wanted to be in this place for a long time, and now you're talking yourself out of it.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Hey all, thanks to GH, Muddle, White; Ellie; RB; NNP for all your responses. I haven't been able to get on here much, but I have read them and appreciated them and used the info - just didn't get any time to reply.
It's been a whirlwind week, that's for sure. Emotionally draining; chaotic. Don't know where to start.
Yesterday saw SO breakdown. I mean, really. Crying, to the point of shaking & hyperventilating. Kind of scary to watch, yet, somehow necessary, I think. He's always kept his emotions so far inside that to see this was crucial. For him to allow me to see him this way, is a better way of putting it, perhaps. He kept saying "don't make fun of me." His fear of looking vulnerable to people, I would guess. I think it also had to do with how he thought I'd react to some of the things he was telling me. But I didn't "react"; I listened; talked when I needed to; answered what I needed to; asked questions when I was unclear....even with him being so emotionally distraught, it was an encouraging and enlightening talk. A step - more than a baby step, not a giant step...maybe a toddler step. And when he was saying depressing things about us, I pointed out that things do change - as seen in how we were talking with each other without blame and criticism and harsh words. I think he was very surprised in his realization of that.
He states that he doesn't want to be with OW. And then at the same time, that he knows somewhere deep inside he loves me - but that he's scared it's not the right way. (my translation is he doesn't feel those in love feelings so he doesn't believe that he really loves me.) Said he knew it wouldn't work out with OW; fed her what she wanted to hear and misled her about a lot of things. Said why do I think he hid her from his family and from the kids. Why didn't he stop seeing me.
He says that he told OW (this past Monday) that he wanted to come back home. Wants to come home more than be with her. So, it's funny - he tells me he doesn't know if it's the right thing to do, but yet, that's what he wants. Or, rather - that's what he is choosing. Very confusing. Very confused person.
I know my sitch is a little weirder than some out there, lol- but yesterday I finally got it. "It" being - it doesn't really matter what he's saying right now. He's been here every day this week; asking if he could stay over Wednesday night. He's making the steps. Actions. He's put an end to OW. Action.
So what if it's not my ideal reconciliation scenario. That was MY fantasy - a romanticized, ILY and can't live without you kind of thing. But ya know what - my name isn't Cinderella. And fairytales are merely idealized stories created for little girls. And, what you guys said in your responses also echoed in my head, as well.
I was going to recount everything he said; everything that's happened, but why? {Yeah - including OW calls; along with her freaking mother calling, none of which I took, BTW } SO finding out OW lied to him - says she called here and talked to me 3 weeks ago (when I was out of the damned state!) - but I'm beginning to find it all tiresome. Or, maybe it's finally detachment at it's finest - but whatever it is - none of the crap; none of the drama; not even some of the things he disclosed - really bother me anymore.
And ow's behavior (and her mothers!) - pathetic. Makes me soooooo glad I never found a need to go that route (call OW). And if anyone out there reading is thinking about getting in touch with OP - I suggest NOT! It's kind of sad, really. Pathetic. Pointless. Only makes you look like an ass.
Anyway - I know the road is probably going to get a little rougher before it gets better. Our talk didn't "settle" anything; but, it's a start. He's going to move back in.
And I know this could still go either way. But this time - my eyes are open. I'll be OK if for some reason this doesn't work out.
And, sorry GH - somehow at the same time, I have to say no to the status quo. Things have to change instantaneously. If we fall back into that trap - that old comfortable rut - I fear it will never change and or issues won't ever get resolved.
I know he needs time. So, I'll give it. Give our new R time. Give us time to get past the awkwardness of all this. Hell, I don't even really consider us "back together" or anything. Just working on it. For now, it's a matter of getting thru the withdrawal of OW. Who knows what comes next. Time to set some goals, I guess. Figure out what needs to be worked on most. Helping get his "loving feelings" back towards me.
Not sure what to say. SO moved most of his things back in on Sunday. Things have been incredibly difficult; awkward. He's been talking to me a lot more often, which I see as a good thing. Even if some of the stuff is about OW; his confusion about his life and "us".
Saturday, he told me he had to call OW and did it from here. To me, it was another one of those moments where I had to make sure I didn't mess it up. I didn't say anything other than "OK". He made his call from the bedroom, which was pretty short and I made no comment whatsoever. Later that evening before he was leaving for work, he said that he had tried to get in touch with his mother, if she had come over I could have gone with him to the bar. That shocked me. Not sure if it's true or not, but at least he made the offer. That night when he got home, he woke me, we were in the kitchen and the 1st thing he said to me was "How come you didn't freak out when I called OW".
We've had several talks at his insistence. Mostly about his general confusion. I hate to sound like I'm advising him or whatever, but he's always asking me for advice. He says I'm his only true friend. I told him I was biased (laughingly) towards my cause and I probably wasn't the best person to offer advice. I've tried to point out that no matter "Who" he was ending things with, he was going to go through withdrawal; need to change routines; have regretful feelings; all things associated with a breakup. Sympathizing with his feelings re: OW; while also trying to indicate it would probably be the same if it were me he ended it with. He says it would be worse if it were me & the kids leaving.
I've been plagued with calls from OW - I've asked him why she wants to talk to me. He said because of all the lies he's told her she believes I'm standing in their way. (No comment from me.) I told him I won't take the calls, and I won't. Not sure how much contact they are still in, I'm sure (know) they still are to certain degree, and I told him he wasn't on a time clock and I wasn't about make myself nuts worrying about what he was doing.
The only thing that has me real worried is his deep-rooted confusion. Sometimes it seems as though he wants me to make his decisions for him. Re: our R. Me moving out. He's still so unsure and negative about us. It makes me lose confidence - in myself. I know he's moved back and I didn't force him to do that. He could very have easily stayed where he was or moved in to OW's mothers house, and he chose to come back here. So that's a positive. But, sometimes, when he's so negative - I get negative and just want to throw in the towel and move out. I have to keep myself in check when he starts talking negatively.
One thing he did say, and this totally shocked me - was that he's thinking about seeing a C. I piped in, lmao, and said, make sure it's a SBT!. LOL He asked what that was, and I said it's someone that doesn't dwell too much in the past but helps you find the answers now. We talked about him seeing a C some more, and previously he's said he's prone to telling people what they want to hear - so, because the conversation was not so "deep" and we were laughing a little, I said to him, you know you can't tell a C what you think they want to hear - you're going to have to be honest about everything. He said "I know."
Oh - another thing HE said - and I'm encouraged (?) by this. That OW wasn't the problem. That we have to find out why he did what he did that led to the OW. I was glad that he was the one to recognize this. Not that it really helps when he now has feelings for OW, but, at least he recognized this. He's admitted that no one knows how "involved" we were through all this. That the one or two people he has talked to, he's led them to believe something other than the truth (let alone the lies he's told OW). And, what's worse, is I don't think he's going to admit the truth to anyone.
On top of it, he's still sick. Stomach starting to bother him real bad again, so much that he didn't work his bar remote last night. He's going to the doctor today, but I really hope he doesn't end up back in the hospital again. The doctors had pretty much said they believe it to be a disease that is aggravated by stress. So I don't know what's going to happen.
Me, well I'm trying to live my life for me. Trying to make decisions for me. Trying to keep doing what I was doing when he wasn't living here. It's important that I keep doing that. I have no intention on falling back into the same old, same old. And it's very hard. I need more confidence that I don't have. And I don't know where to find it.
Can you just treat yourself for everything you've been through and how you've held up? You totally deserve a professional massage or something -seriousely!!!
Blue ribbon to you girl. Those kids have an awesome role model!
NM, honey! You are doing FANTASTICLY in the face of a lot of strange, new weird stuff. WOW, a gold star for you today. Remind yourself how far YOU have come. You validated and didn't react sarcastically/b*itchy about any of this. I am really proud of you, and make sure you are too!
\o/\o/\o/ THREE CHEERS FOR YOU!
Forget the former things; do not dwell on the past. See, I am doing a new thing! Is 43:18-19
If it seems slow in coming, wait. It's on its way. It will come right on time. Hab 2:3
Well, seeing these posts, I feel like such a failure. Short version - SO has asked me to move out. Insisted, quite frankly. And I've agreed. I'm too tired to fight anymore. My spirit is gone. My will is gone. I could have given a little more, if he was willing. But, he's not. So I can't give any more.
I feel worse this time around. Much worse for some reason. But, moving will be good. I can't stay here. I won't force myself where I'm not wanted. What should have been the happy place we raised our family has turned into a Fun House, complete with rooms of Illusions; tightropes; rollercoasters and the echoes of lies.
Moving will be the better choice for me & the girls. Starting over somewhere else without all the crap. We'll be close to family that can help me out (both his & mine); I've got friends there; we won't be so isolated - for a minute or two I can almost make myself look forward to it.
I thank you all for following along with me. I'm sorry I don't have a happier outcome. But everyone here are amazing people, helping others through the tough times when they themselves are going through similar things. I'm so glad I found this site...it's helped me learn so much.
I'll update my details as I know them. He'll probably have all the money for me that I requested within 2 weeks. School starts at the end of August where I'm going, so this is all going to happen pretty quickly. I hope so anyway. No use dragging it out any longer.
