Spoon Forgive me for not researching your sitch and give specific advice. If you are in a combat zone or a job where mistakes can kill I offer this advice.
You got a box (you job) make it the shiniest box you can. That is priority 1. When the thoughts of the M invade the box banish them. They will come back with a vengence on your free time.
When I had the free time I read lots. Religious, medical manuals, ect. I exercised lots. I kept quiet or just listened to others since my life was an example of what AmyC says 'IT's ABOUT ME'
The best thing to do is pray, then read, then give out above your duties for your job. Idleness is not a good thing outside of sleeping to renew.
There is a lot of crackpot ideas out there so question everything and look at it's history. 'You'll know them by their fruit'.
Sorry I cannot be more specific. I went thru a bad deployment and afterwards thus giving what I had to do to survive. BTW Survival is very important.
"All I want is a weeks pay for a day's work" Steve Martin
Quote: I just want to know is there any hope for me to salvage my marriage.
There is always hope spoon but not if you don't first allow yourself personal hope, and personal growth. You have to believe in yourself first, and then, your marriage can be infused with something new, something that provides the best chance for true change.
That's what DB is all about; changing yourself to affect change in your relationship. Please, realize that it will take a monumental act of strength, strength that I KNOW you have considering the training you have and the job you do, to MAKE yourself start to have hope for the most important person in this whole thing...YOU!
Please, we are a bunch of strangers and we believe in you. It's easy to do because we see you having the courage to post here, expose your vulnerabilities and seek help instead of retreating into your head, a place that is dangerous for you right now.
As many others have said, your kids deserve more than this, but even more than them, YOU deserve more than this. Your W is an important, loved part of your life, but she is just that, PART of your life. She is NOT your entire life even though it seems like she is, and the longer you go on thinking her absence from you is somehow diminishing your existence, the longer your sitch will likely suffer. I know that seems backwards, but again, Michelle's books all talk about how our pursuit of our spouses often reinforces their decision to leave. It's only when we adopt a philosophy of "me first, her second", in a truly loving way, that we begin to exude the confidence, character and LOVE that they fell in love with all those years ago.
I know your goal here is to save your M, but our goal here is to save you because we KNOW that so long as your outlook is bleak and you see only despair in your sitch, it will likely STAY dark and full of turmoil.
Spoon, YOU are the key here. You DO hold all the power to move your life in a positive direction first for you, then for your kids and finally, yes, for your W and God willing, should she see this movement, sense it's reality and center in YOU, there IS hope that she will one day come to her senses and return the love you so obviously have for her.
Please, listen to us and listen to your heart, your REAL heart, the one that tells you that what you feel is only temporary and what you need to do is raise your chin, look this thing in the eyes and attack it like you've never attacked anything in your life...with love, honor and commitment to personal growth.
Something I heard once about wanting to kill oneself that really stuck is that it is the natural response to a situation in which one's pain exceeds their ability to cope with it. Your post reflects the enormity of your pain - but it also demonstrates the rich life that you have. Everyone here has had trouble coping with their pain - because no one had the coping mechanisms in place to deal with their trauma when it happened. We all had to grow to encompass this pain, to become better and stronger. You too can use this crisis to become stronger in yourself by overcoming your fears.
Fear. That's, in my opinion, where almost all of our emotional pain comes from. We are afraid that we won't be able to love our spouses again. We are afraid that our children won't have families again. We are afraid our entire lives will be ruined. The fact is, NONE of this is knowable now. Our pain is caused by OUR choice to focus on one possible future, an extremely pessimistic one. We have the choice to determine our actions and feelings now. Focus on the present – what you can actually control. In a different context, I have no doubt that you have the ability to shut out “noise” and focus on something critical – this is critical in the military. This technique is transferable to your current sitch.
Without your personal recovery your marriage doesn't stand a chance. You can overcome this dark state of mind you’re in. Think of it as exercise. Your power lifting the heaviest emotional weight you’ve ever had the opportunity to before. Rather than let it crush you, challenge yourself to lift it. You might surprise yourself to find that you have a lot more strength than you’re giving yourself credit for.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I called her today, I read all of the advice about gingin her time space and distance. But i cant help this is my wife. She told me how much of a piece of [censored] I am and how she would never want to be with me. I pled, I begged, I cried and she calle me a btich, that I was a pussy and that IM not a real man.
Im really hurting man, so I asked my mother to call her and my mother will tell me if its really over. I cant believe its come to this. My pain is really hurting and I am having a real hard time dealing with this. I know what my mother is gonna tell me but yet I have to hear it, I cant handle this much pain. It just hurts to bad. I know that I have done wrong by this woman and there is nothing I can do to fix it. Im gonna try real hard to deal with this tonight and maybe tomorrow I will feel better. Man, Im so [censored] worhtless and [censored] useless.
This may sound a bit weak, but I don't know if anyone has asked you this; have you read DB or DR? It doesn't sound like you have because the very FIRST thing they talk about when dealing with a situation like this is to STOP TALKING TO HER ABOUT IT. Stop begging, pleading, etc. It only makes things worse. Right now, she needs to see a strong, independent man willing to fight not only for his country, but himself and his marriage. She needs to feel respected by you and the best way to do that is to listen to her and give her the time and space to deal with this sitch. Your constant pressure and threats to do drastic things do not help at this point.
You asked if there was hope for your sitch and as I said before, NOT UNTIL YOU CHANGE YOUR ATTITUDE. You can't wait until she calls you begging for your forgiveness, or accepts YOUR call for the same reason, to start healing and building your strength back up. That's the horse being pulled by the cart. You HAVE TO find some way to pull out of this funk. Please, as suggested, talk to a clergy member, counselor or any other resource available to you where you are. SEEK HELP NOW.
IF you truly want to right your wrongs then you HAVE to understand that a lot of that "wrong" came because you never believed you were worthy of anything better. YOU ARE worthy and you have to start believing that of yourself before anyone, like your W, will believe it of you.
Look man, I KNOW this sucks and is really hard. I know it seems easier, MUCH easier to take another road but in the end, that's NOT what you want to do. You want to make this work and we're trying to tell you the first steps to making that happen. Please, start walking today and we'll help you. I swear we will.
Quote: Everyone is telling me the same thing and everyone makes sense. But, is everyone stronger than me?
No but most everyone has to start with the idea that #1, they want to save their marriage and #2, that the natural things of begging, pleading and being miserable all the time hasn't worked. That's when people come here for help and we tell them all those things, that when compared with what you've BEEN doing, make sense. That's when they read DB or DR and understand that what they need to do is FAR from easy but MUCH better in relation to the pain they are currently suffering.
As far as strength, I don't think we're any stronger than you are, I just think that we have finally understood that it's OK not to have all the answers and to lean on each other here every once in awhile. Lean on us if you want. Post a lot. Do whatever you have to do until you can catch ahold of the rope we're trying to get to you and when you do grab it, I am sure you will find the strength you need to start climbing.
The strength is already there. It's what brought you here, and it's what you will learn to embrace.
Heck Yeah there's hope Spoon Man, REad my post on Happy endings in my family for examples I 've seen of divorces leading to remarrying later on. Anyhow, you have gotten great advice. Think also on this: if you took your life, would it show your children or wife how much you loved them, OR how afraid you are of doing what it takes to get them back. In other words, it'll achieve exactly the OPPOSITE of what your goal is, which is to show your W and kids you've changed into a better man who wants to keep being a work in progress like all of us. My female intuition is that your w would love it, if you really fought for her. She hears your loving words, but she is lonely and it feels unfair to her. You have to overcome this natural response on her part, with as much reassurance as possible that you will do what it takes to get her to see the changes in you, even if you are doing them for you and your kids. (I don't know enough of your sitch to know which 180 you should do.)
Don't take the "easy way out" for 2 other reasons: 1) the biggest emotion expressed in support meetings of family members who've lost someone to suicide, is ANGER at the deceased. Feelings of worthlessness also, as in, "IF dad loved me so much, why didn't he stick around? Aren't I important enough to him to live?" Remember that you are modelling for your children, that you can overcome setbacks and emotional pain. Suicide would demonstrate for your kids that rejection or pain, is fatal. But it's not. It's life. And so is forgiveness, and love, and joy, and peace within. Overcoming this could leave your children with a legacy of good living, willingness to learn and change, and how to forgive, oneself - picking self up and move forward again,- and how to forgive another person. God, I wish I had those skills years ago, my M would have been so much better.
2) It will take time for your w to see/hear the changes in you. THe one good thing about being apart is that when you are finally together, it's easier for them to see the changes than when you are daily present and the changes are too subtle.
YOu can access Army Emergency Relief (I am a veteran of the first Gulf War, married to another officer--why else do women join?) or whatever they call it now. Sometimes they or the Red Cross can fund a trip home for emergencies. IF you go to the JAG officer (which is what I was) for legal help, you need to first know the very good news. NO Judgement or action in court can be legally finalized against you, while you are serving the nation overseas. IT's called the "Sailors and Soldiers Civil Relief Act" and it prevents the GIs from getting screwed in court while off fighting wars. Even if your w wants to file and does file for a D, you can have an attorney in the states simply file a delay motion due to your assignment, he/she (your L) will need a copy of your orders, and maybe if you can prove that leave was denied. Hopefully it will not be denied but if it is, you can stall the legal actions for awhile under the above mentioned law. I DO NOT know what happens while your W is in Germany. It may actually be better for you if she goes back to the states, from a legal standpoint. AND NEVER ever think that the Army is totally rigid with bonuses and assignments, etc. You re-enlisted for Germany and you're in Iraq...yeah, you can modify your request, ask for a compassionalte reassignement, etc. Or trade another enlistment extension for a CONUS assignment. I mean, THERE ARE OPTIONS. btw, my oldest brother is there as a civilian. Tell me where you are, if your post doesn't list it. He'd be a good contact for you.
Good luck, jch
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
My nephew came back on emergency leave from Iraq (Marines)a week ago because his w emailed him that she has a BF and wants a D. He was just like you. Only wanting to fix things. But as soon as he landed, she took the plasma TV , a vehicle, and her personal things and moved in with OM.
Life is hard.
But he looked into his kids' faces. He saw the horror there. Who is more important? You? Her? No.
All these babies want and need is the certainty that there is one person on earth who loves them unconditionally. Can you guarantee that if you go? You should make certain of that for them.
You should make it your mission that they will be taken care of. They deserve that from you. If you were to take your life, they would always know that you took the easy way out. It would not make you their hero.
