She is defintely leaving a week after I get back. I am keeping the kids for 4-5 months so that she can get on her feet and so that I can see our children. The other day I kind of laid down the law and she is holding it against me. I blew it. I dont think that this divorcebusting is gonna work. She says dont pray, dont hope because we will never be together again. When we were talking about the children, she said got mad. She wanted everything in the house. I believe that she does not care about me at all, that she really does hate me. Is this the end, is this the point that its over. My case seems helpless and hopeless. My God, does anyone have a time machine? I dont think anyone understands, I have to get get my wife back, I need her. I really do. I dont know about this time and distance thing. 32 days and I will be home and not be home at the same time. If no one has a time machine do you have a love potion, spell, chant, mind ray, something? Im cracking up, I really am. A year away and I go back to this. Man, this is f^_ed up. Sorry I am rambling, but these are just my thoughts. So, she leaves and goes to the states. Is it over then. The only good thing is there is a 6 month waiting period before the divorce is final. Through all of the fussing, fighting, begging and crying we did come to a solution on the kids and the property. We are both gonna be broke as hell. You know that saying that if you really love someone you gotta let them go? Well, that just sucks. Where is my wife? There were good times, there were bad times. There were times that were just boring, excitig, all of it.
You watch the movies and see those families that have divorced or the sitcoms that the whole plot is based on divorced couples? It all seems alright and everybody is happy? Thats bulls---t. Ive got to be able to accept whatever happens and be happy? Are you kidding me? That seems so ridiculous. I mean, what is this? The kids, dreams, the love, the marriage; all of that is over? Its not fair. I hate myself, I love my wife, my family.
Where do I go from here? I sure dont know. Which way is up? I dont know. Did I cheat? Yes. Am I sorry? Yes. Truly repent? Yes. Ask forgivenss? Yes. Did I get it? NO.
Where am I gonna go? I dont want another relationship. I want the one I had, with changes of course. I have to change. But all of this advice, in the long run is it a game? It's supposed to make me a better person. But, the bottom line is that, I want my wife.
Greedy, selfish,needy, whatever. Can someone, anyone tell me how when it seems so hopeless that they can continue? How do you keep trying when it's all against you, all of the time? When you just keep getting beat down day after day? No contact. Go deep and dark. It seems to me that if this is what happens, then she will believe that she has gotten rid of me. I mean this is all too fast. These changes take time. And its not just overnigth that Im gonna be able to bury my feelings and go on. The catch is that I am on a timetable. When time runs out, Im finished. You know whats funny, then I lose. And she has been calling me a loser. A dirty, f----ing loser. And how am I supposed to think any different. I have(had) a beautiful wife and she married me. Did she wake up and see me for the man that I really am? I dont know. Is what she is saying, is it true? Or, is she just saying things to hurt me.
Does she want to inflict pain on me? Or is everything that she says is it true? I cant even look at myself in the mirror anymore. It disgust me what I see there.
The hardest thing is going through this pain and her not caring. Her being the one inflicting it. Can any one tell the future, so that we can just go ahead and get this over with?
There has to be something. What we talked about made sense and it does. But everything that we discussed, she got mad. She gave me a timetable of tomorrow. So its not like I had choice of not talking to her. Is love there? How many people have had affairs and gotten back together?
Matilda, she's leaving. How do I show change when shes gone? Does she mean all of the things she says? Or is she still hurt? She doesnt love me or want us to be together? Is that hurt or truth?
Ok, Im gonna start over. But, I need help. Anyone, Im just a soldier. Help me please. Step by step this has got to work. I got 30 days and there is a lot distance between us. Physically and otherwise. So where do I start? What do I do first? Do I call her or email her? And if I do, what do I say?
I feel your pain man. I've been separated a little over 4 months. I went thru that agony too. I know it's hard to see, but it does get better. My wife didn't speak to me much the 1st 2 or 3 months. I didn't beg or plead, but I did bring up R talks quite a bit. emails, text messages. The whole 10 yards. I got the ILYBNILWY speach. Some things I did made her angry, and she shut me out completely. We have done a legal Sep. I think it was my fault because I pushed. One thing I've found to be true. As long as I didn't push, we could communicate. If I pushed just a little, bam back we went four steps. I have decided to go dark. It's the time I need for myself, and I think the time she needs to feel at least that I'm not a threat. I know I will be okay regardless to how things end up. Yeah, there's an ache. But it lessons everyday, every week. You W is hurting and confused. In her mind she is the victim. In her mind you owe her. But let me tell you something from experience. Negative feelings are exhausting. They drain your energy and your joy. We are examples of that. you and I and a lot of people on this board. Believe me it's exhausting to our W's too. You can't hold those kind of feeling in most cases for long without help. You find out you can't begin to live until you get rid of them.
They count on us to feed the fire to substain these negative feelings. Don't fan the flame. thats what validating is all about. Don't fight with her , don't try to convince her she's wrong. Be understanding. Even when you know and feel she's wrong. Don't feed her ability to maintain those negative feeligs. As for you, the best thing that helped me was to forgive. No matter what she did. Because I knew she felt justified in her own mind. She was hurt and had been hurt by me. In trying to deal with their pain and confusion, to find some relief for their pain. They do whatever their mind tells them they need to do.Big word "NEED" They feel they have to do what they are doing. It's really not about you, its about them. You have to be about you for right now. Forgive her, and take the wieght off your shoulders. Forgive yourself. Before we can be any good to anyone, we have to be happy with ourselves.
Know this. Happiness and peace comes from within. You only think your wife holds this for you. But this power is yours, we only give it away, it can't be taken.
This I think is Gods greatest gift. Our spirit, our soul. This is where I strength lies. Only God himself has domain over these.He can supply you with the strength you need. Have faith in him. Real faith, and know that no matter what. He can make it okay.
Take this time for YOU! Reread your thread. By rereading it you may find something meaningful that you didn't notice the first time. You are strong! You are a good person and a wonderful, caring father!
I agree with what qfire said, Happiness and peace comes from within.
I'll be at a conference the next couple of days. Not sure if I will have internet access or not. I will be thinking of you and hope you are feeling better by the timne you read this. It is a rough time, but I believe you can do this!
