Im not doing so good. I started my own checking account and I am giving her an allotment to take care of the kids, bills, etc. I also revoked all her power of attorneys, this is the last thing that I wanted to do and I feel horrible. Like, I am comfirming that my marriage is over
I just read through this thread. I posted to you in the D forum. I am not saying that I give great, or even good advise, but did you read it?
I really like my water balloon analogy. Its statagy honey. You didn't get to be a Sgt w/o learning statagy. Think outside the box.
I walk by faith, that may not sit well with many, I do not mean to offend, hope that it didn't bother you. You pray and you will get answers, I promise.
I completely understand the panic, the distress, the feeling of hopelessness. Don't get me wrong in any way. We have all been there. We want advise, and we want it from people that have been successful. Heck what is the point in hearing from someone like me, seperated almost 1 year, and no closer to "success," maybe even farther away.
I have seen lots of good and bad advise. Honestly, I've given some horrible advise. but I have learned.
Please take care of you, don't talk to your W at all unlees it is absolutely necessary about any topic. Trust me when I say that you are better off being in the dark than pushing for answers right now. Just turn it over to God.
There is hope.
You seem to be pushing extremes right now. That is not a critism. It's normal. Just trying to give you perspective. your in all or nothing mode, and it just doesn't work that way. I am sure that you know enough about your allotments to know what you must provide per army reg's. BAH, BAHII sep allowance et al. Provide it, don't cut her off, she is taking care of your kids. I am not saying play sugar daddy, just don't mess yourself up with not providing the allowances. My H has/is doing that - fool. Guess that he know that I am not going to screw him over, either that or he doesn't realize that I can access public info on the DOD website.
There is lots of hope. You need to start the ball rolling in the right direction by letting go of the panic.
And take care of yourself.
GodBless.
Happy belated B-day. Today is mine. Yes, it would have been nice to be acknowledged, but you know what, I will be blessed with other things more important that hearing happy birthday from my H today. and so will you
anyway. lots of love, I got to run and p/u my kids.
You made me come out of hiding just so I could reply to your post. I have been off the boards for sometime now but still read up to see how fellow dbers are doing.
First off...HAPPY BELATED B-DAY!!!!
I read through all your posts, your making great steps as far opening your own account and all. It is not finializing anything! In a way it is SHOWING her that you are GAL! I am sure she was a bit shocked. In the end we all need to look after ourselves though and her draining your account is not helping you in any way.
Let me tell you a little about myself and my situation. I am 26 and now a single mother to a 2 year old. Things in my situation were just unfixable. My X was abusive to me and my son. After my son coming home with bruises and being terrified of men the DBing stopped! I left my H when our son was 9 weeks. The hardest thing I ever did. Many nights I cried myself to sleep because of the pain of my loss. I am at a good place now. I am in contact with him due to my son but I no longer have feelings for him. I heard this quote once that I now live by "Everything will be okay in the end, and if it isn't....it's not the end."
Like you have read many times...give her the space she wants. Make her miss you!! We are creatures of habit. She is used to you calling. Maybe a week or two she may start to miss you and contact you. It is SO hard though, trust me I know. I was bad at it myself, but eventually I got the hang of it and the next thing you know my XH was sending me emails and texts just to see how i was.
I got a notebook and started writing him letters when it got bad. Telling him everything I was feeling at that moment. Even letting tears spill on to the paper. I figured if we did get back together I would give him the journal of letters so he knew how I felt. Best of all it was a release.
Expect these painful days and nights, expect that she will not take your calls or e-mails. The more prepared you are the better.
Checking in, Spoonhound.... Missed hearing from you today. Hope you found some time to relax---a few moments of peace at least. YOU deserve it, Anthony! I look forward to hearing about your PMA Goals.(remember these are Positive Mental Attitude goals just for you--NOT dealing with your relationship).
BTW, does your name mean something? I have been wondering that from the beginning.
Im not doing so well, I called her yesterday to get her bank account information so I could set up her allotment and I talked to my daughter, who is 5. She told me she wanted hr mommy and daddy to stay together. I lost it, all I could think about was my family and I begged her to stay. I asked her if there was anything that would make her stay and she told me there was nothing in the world. She doesnt love me, doesnt care for me, and does not like me.
Just 2 weeks ago we were talking about having another child. And the only picture that I have in my head is getting home and seeing my whole family getting on a plane and leaving. She also said that she wanted to find a better job, so she might not go back to Missouri. I planned on getting as close to MO as I could so I could at least see my children on weekends and now she is taking that away also.
I get home in 40 days and one week after that they will be gone. I cant live without my family and I dearly love my wife. So I have 47 days to "Bust" this divorce or thats it.
Maybe, I an weak. But this pain that I feel is too much and the hurt that I feel is to much to bear. I know the mistakes that I have made in this marriage and I wish that I could turn back time, but I cant. I read all of your stories and I wish that I could have my own success story, but it seems hopeless. There is nothing that I or anyone else can do. 47 days that is all I have and Im just so scared because I know what I will do and....
Oh and by the way Matilda, the name is a joke a friend of mine set this account up for me when so I could play fantasy football online.
I was hoping you wouldn't be calling your W and begging her to stay. Can you set up a goal to NOT call her for one week? Then two? It seems like you take a few steps back when you talk to her. Do the unexpected! You can still keep in contact with the children via snail mail.
Can you get Divorce Remedy there? Or reread the book you have. It doesn't say to beg and plea, does it?
You have 40 days to transform into the person you want to be. Be happy with yourself first. Your W will then see the change!!!
A couple things. First of all, you sound better now. I know you hurt like hell still, but I hope you now realize that you daughter needs you no matter what.
Secondly, feeling better about yourself is all you have right now. Since you WILL be here to see D's next birthday, and the one after that, and the one after that, if it's up to you, then you have to learn to accept yourself and THEN work on the things that need working on.
Your W, no matter what she says, is not doing these things TO you. She is just doing them. You can't control that and the more you try, the more you push her away. I know it sounds like a catch 22, and it is in a way. If you let go, she may run. If you don't, she may run. You see, there is NOTHING you can really do to force the outcome here.
So, you are left with you again. I know that seems to suck, but I assure you, from the bottom of my soul, that when you finally GET that, and GET that it's up to YOU to be happy, not up to any woman, then you WILL feel better. THEN you will feel in control.
You are not weak, you are just feeling pain. Feel that pain, learn from it and then learn to pick yourself up and move on. We all did it, and you will too. We were all in the same place as you are and we made it to a much better, often happier place. You can too. I believe this with all my heart.
Please, be the man that your D will someday look to for advice before her first date and forever with a gleam in her eye as the one man in her life that will NEVER give up on her no matter what.
My daugther 5 said she wanted her mommy and daddy to stay together, thats what got me. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING? I know I shouldnt beg or plea but it all seems so hopeless.
I have never begged for anything in my life. But the one thing I want so bad, is out of my hands. This whole year I couldnt wait to get home to my family only for there to be no family when I get there.
Everything I have done in the last 7 years was for them. I feel like such a loser. WHY IS SHE SO MEAN TO ME, I WOULD NOT PUT HER THROUGH PAIN LIKE THIS, WHY DOES SHE SAY SHE HATES ME WHEN I LOVE HER SO MUCH? This really hurts and I am just havinf a hard time making it through the day.
And the things she says to me, maybe they would be better off without me or if I wasnt around. She laughed when I said I felt terrible and that I was having thoughts of suicide. That wasnt a ploy to get her back or any kind of trick. The other day, I went back to my room because I left something there. I forgot my rounds so I took my knife and started to cut my wrist but it was to dull. I am really having problems with this and she just seems to think its a joke. Thats what my 47 days are, its a countdown. On top of her wanting a divorce she says the meanest things I have ever heard from someone. And that hurts worse than anything. Cant she see how much I love her? I have lived this past 7 years for her and my children and they are gone. I have no answers, I have no guaranteed way to keep my family.
Finally, do I deserve this? Is this karma? That whole what goes around comes around thing? I swear to God, I wasnt this bad. I would do anything to keep my family whole. But there is nothing that I can do.
get out of panic mode man!!! Relax here is your goal, Matilda pointed it out. No R talk with your W for 47 days.
You said that you've got 47 days or its over. You were right and wrong. You've got 47 days to bust. However, it aint over until the fat lady sings -- and I don't like to sing. Here is a stat for you. The sooner that you do follow the DB/DR practices, the more likely/quicker your success. And b4 anyone decides to argue that point - don't. just go with me on this one for now.
You've got 47 days to agree with your wife and to help her let go of the anger. Every time that you beg plead ask or tell her that you love her, all you are doing is reinforcing her bitterness and anger. We'll get to the whys later. Right now, you are in the panic mode, you are seeing that time is of the essence, so do as your told without question. Didn't you get trained to do that. PLEASE try. When your D says that she wants you to be together... or anything. be careful the mind of a 5 year old... just say, well I am in Iraq honey, but not for long. I'll be with you soon. DO NOT TALK ABOUT YOUR R WITH HER.
In 47 days, where will you be? Germany? or States? Is your W booked to leave? Someone already posted to you about the Soldiers and Sailors Relief Act. and I will go one further. Your W CANNOT legally keep the kids from you without just cause. I'm not going to get into all that legal stuff right now. Just don't worry about it, OK. No sense worrying about how you are going to handle step Z when you can't deal with step A well enough to get to step B. Right now you have to get passed talking to your W. That's step A. This is not about your feelings. This is about her perception. you can hurt all you want- you have to, its natural. you just can't talk to her about it. When you talk to her be chipper and ACT AS IF you are on top of the world. Treat her like she's the nanny and nothing more. Get that through your head. When you do, you will be taking the emotion out of your conversations with your W (which should be limited to such things as let me talk to D---ABSOLUTELY NO R TALK) when you take the emotion out on your end, you will see the emotion (anger bitterness cruetly) disappear from her end. but it won't happen while your begging pleading and crying. Have you ever watched a couple of kids playing? Lucy doesn't like tonka trucks, but she sees her little brother does. suddenly it is her favorite toy. she holds it and will not let go so long as Tommy cries and begs. When he stops and finds something new she gives up her cruel stance, puts the truck down and inevitably starts to search out what it is that is making Tommy happy.
spoonhound,
Like you I am a cheater. There were two women in my life. My wife and the OW. This went on for eight months. On Monday I made the final decision to end the affair and work on my marriage. I left my wife on two occasions. When I left my wife, she was not happy, but she NEVER begged me to come back. When I was living at the OW house I would still go over to see my daughter then go back to the OW house after my daughter went to bed. This went on for weeks. Not ONCE did my wife ask me to come back. She was kind and sweet.
On the other hand you have the OW's approach. When I was in the cloud of my affair I was REALLY close to leaving my wife to marry her. I even contacted a lawyer. Well when I told her it was over she went nuts. Begging me crying, then that turned to name calling etc.
I hope I would have done the right thing regardless, but things may have worked out differently if my wife had been the pushy begging one and the OW showed my unconditional love.
Take from this what you will.
And THANK YOU for putting your life on the line over there. Please be safe.
