I try to be the master of looking at things from W's perspective, but I just can't figure things out right now.
That's why I want to talk. I want to explain that though I try, I just can't figure her perspective out. I want to tell her that if she chooses not to reveal her perspective, I'm OK with that, but it leaves things open to misinterpretation.
Maybe she's struggling with her privacy v.s. my right to know about things that affect me. I don't know.
All I know right now is that W is feeling down right now, and I'm at the centre of it.
So, to answer your question, Rachael. I don't think it's the time to write her a letter, or in fact to ask her what she wants from me.
I really don't know what to do right now.
Hi Andy, You can still use what Rachael advises as a tool. Perhaps you can suggest that she takes a moment to write down her thoughts and her feelings. This would help give her an emotional release and if she allows you to read it, would help give you some insight on her perspective. However, I won't ask of her what she wants from you which in turn could cause her to withdraw even more.
As to what you can give her ... support thru companionship. Just let her know through your actions that you are physically and emotionally there for her when she wants it. Do not initiate anything. When you are together, let her talk first, just listen and validate you hear what she is saying. By initially offering no more support than companionship will help her accept the support is not motivated by your self-interest.
This all relates to my own sich in that my W also has a very difficult time talking to me about herself. A big Catch 22 is when that the fear factor occurs when I ask why she is so afraid to tell me how she feels or what is on her mind no matter how gently I try to ask. This even magnifies when her depression comes back and she withdraws even further. However, she does takes to writing when she feels depressed and then leaves it out where I will see it.
In the dept. of "what works...", my W did confide in me that the biggest impact on her was that I there for her when she needed it, especially when she felt depressed and lonely.
Hope you might find something in this that might help. 'til later,
Been working long and hard so I could take this past weekend off. Did the (6 hour each way) trip to pick up D#2, and frankly I'm exhausted. Couldn't sleep last night (overtired), and feeling a little low today.
Kaw,
I can't suggest anything to W right now. Her stance is that I make R issues out of everything. She says things like her lack of libido is her personal (not R) issue.
It's pretty hard to accept this since these things do affect me. Her position is that they shouldn't.
It's also hard to take since she tells me that things weren't right between us for years. She tried to tell me but I wouldn't listen.
Well, how can "things weren't right between us for years." not be a R issue?
I guess she's put it in the past, and the fact that things aren't right from my perspective is now my issue (i.e.: a personal issue).
I suppose her bottom line is that she's found a way to deal with "things not being right", so I should do the same. Problem is that the way I want to deal with it is not to adapt to this situation, but to correct it.
So, Rachael is absolutely right. She's not in a place to deal with what I consider to be R issues, and I'll just have to deal with that.
But today, I'm just too tired to deal with anything.
I know it's hard to rest if your emotions aren't settled(geez---that's an understatement). You have to rest.
You taking a B complex supplement?????
I', allergic to milk but discovered that a bowl of icecream knocks me out. I love it but realize that the sugar intake is messing me up so I'm eyeballing the calcium and magnesium and zinc and holding cups of yogurt. Just not the same kinda hit though, sigh.
Got to manage the health so you can manage the stress so you can go the distance, pant pant pant.
Hey there. Just checkin in. Things look good to me. Reminds me of an old model T. You crank it up and it sits there, then it shudders and spits and starts and dies. Gotta keep at it til it gets goin and then...you can bounce around a bit in your fancy ride.
Flipping channels this weekend...caught the W-A-T-E-R scene from the Miracle Worker(original one ). Maybe a sign for me cause that's what I've always likened my particular challenges to.
Anyway, not much to say. Been taking a break and accomplishing much real life stuff - not talking R either. Think I've found a new hobby to immerse myself in. It's a good thing.
Ans-I hated it when my H said to me things have not been right for yrs. That can mean sooo mnay things. It can also mean things are not right now, so it FEELS like they have not been right for years, and the little stuff that wasn't right gets magnified big time. She sees all you issues as being separate. I don;t know how you get aroud that. There's not much you can do with a depressed person excpet love them through it until they get the help they need. Good luck! L. Rachael
I’m getting some rest and feeling somewhat better.
I don’t know if Fille’s Model-T analogy fits right now. Frankly, I don’t think all the cranking in the world will get things going. I think it’s time to back off right now.
I’m also not so sure about Rachael’s assumption that W is depressed. Yes, I mentioned awhile back that she felt some of the symptoms returning, but she’s really pretty rational. I don’t agree with her assessment of the sit, but that doesn’t make her depressed.
It could easily be argued that I’m the one who’s depressed.
Sometimes I get pretty obsessive. This doesn’t help my case at all. I’m trying to deal with ”my” problems without dumping them on W or keeping them from her. A few weeks ago, I told her that I was trying to deal with the death of our sex life. I’d come to the conclusion that it was over. She said it wasn’t dead – only in a coma.
Well, unless she changes (it’s her libido that’s in a coma), I don’t see any hope of reviving it. It’s not even on life support.
Same thing goes for any signs of affection. It’s hard not to obsess sometimes. Her mind is made up that my needs/wants are excessive. Is her mindset because she’s depressed? Is it hormones? Is she right? None of these questions mean anything because she’s not going to “snap out of it”, and I can’t change her views.
On the bright side, I finally passed my motorcycle exam. It’s only a learner’s permit, and I won’t be able to ride without an “experienced” rider, but I’ve overcome one more hurdle. After my test, W asked me if I wanted to ride with her. We spent a couple of very pleasant hours riding through the hills.
But I still had a problem. I couldn’t ride behind her w/o having impure thoughts (sigh)
![[Smile]](images/icons/smile.gif){kind=icon}
). Maybe a sign for me cause that's what I've always likened my particular challenges to.![[Cool]](images/icons/cool.gif){kind=icon}
guy! Where's there's a will there will be a way!