Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Situation stable, minor improvements daily

OK ... Just take a deep breath ... hold for a couple of seconds ... exhale.

UR W is a little P.O.'d right now and you need to give her a little distance.

One of the things we tend to forget while "piecing" that is emphasized alot over in Newcomers is that we need to do things for ourselves. This still is very true here as well. Some times we need to take a breather from DBing and do something we enjoy that does not involve SO. Energize the mind and the soul so that we can continue DBing for another day...

'til later,
KAW

I get so confused when I read the different threads on this board. Some have great ideas like focusing on the big picture and letting go and others are just like my sitch where the WAW has EA after EA, says "I don't love you", cleans up her act them screws up again. It is the latter that really drive me crazy. My W is emotionally unstable and a great liar and that is why our mutual friends are afraid that I am in for a life of misery with her. Tears come to my eyes even thinking that she could put me through this misery again. This is a terrible state to be in but I feel that she is broken and won't be able to get past the pain I have caused her. She has said this before and I thought it was just a way for her to justify her actions but it seems to more true all the time. Why else would she car so little about my feelings?

She was very cold last night and that hurts me. Why do I have to pay for her mistakes? I really don't care about out progress if she has no drive to continue the improvements. I really need to hear ILY from her. I know she doesn't say it because that seems to be the one thing she can't lie about. I am truly miserable again and it will take everything I have to focus on me, the long term goals for OR, and putting my needs aside for the needs of my three sons (keeping our family together even if it is with an unfaithful W). I have a lot of blessings in my life and I have lost appreciation for those because of my pain. I will be faking it to make this work for everyone's sake including my own.

Hi Tbone,
I think the best answer to "what do I do now?" is NOTHING. Do nothing, take a break. Accept the fact that you cant fix this. You cant. You have to rely on hope, faith and yourself. What were you before you met her? Perhaps a little more independant. You did alright without her then, you can now.

In order for me to really let go of any control, I really had to hit bottom and feel the hurt that you are talking about. It gets old. I get tired of learning these life lessons, but they still come. This is the hand youve been delt. What do you want to do with it? I know you ask yourself daily and answers are tough, infact there are no correct answers that work for all of us.

Maybe she's not worth it, maybe she is? Ive gone over the maybes all to much.

Truely letting go provides the relief you are looking for. If she came to her senses today and recommitted to you, stopped lieing, and did everything you want, it would feel good. BUT, your satisfaction would still be relying on her. As long as she is behaving, you are happy. Find some happiness in yourself, not her. Then she might be able to find some happiness in you as well. That is what you want. You want her to start behaving for her sake, not for your sake. This is the biggest lesson I had to learn and still, its easy to talk the talk, but more difficult to walk the walk.

"Focus on you" means more than it appears. You might be as obsessive as me. Its the biggest hurdle Ive had in this battle.

You can let go, without giving up.
Keep venting on the board, its the place for it.

Joe

Thanks Joe. I have a friend who is a former addict and he has taught me how to focus on surviving the next 5 minutes. That is really important right now. I just had to drive by her store to get to a client and I didn't even look in the store as I drove by. It is going to take everything I have to focus on just me. The hurt is so great and I am almost desperate to make it go away. That is why I made such bad decisions lately. You are right about becoming who I used to be. I was happy, funny, and enjoyed myself. I have let my R take that away from me.

She has to make the decision and I felt like her past bad decisions make me believe that she will screw up this very important one. That is where I now believe I am wrong. Down deep she wants this to work or she wouldn't have handled it the way she has.

Not sure about you, but I know my feelings and emotions have sabatoged my best interests more than not. Detatchment allows you to see objectivly, then it doesnt appear to be so bad. Its not so bad, but it sure is easy to get wrapped up in, and forget who the hell we are in the first place. Hmmmm. Ive had to grow up big time, and I have more to do. Ive become more secure in myself, I grew a spine (and i still keep my mouth shut... I dont need to tell her, she can figure it out for herself.), I believe in myself regardless of what she does or doesnt do. Its different for all of us, but even when I can fake myself into feeling this way, I feel good about my situation despite her short comings. Hang in there.

Get back to who YOU are.

Joe

Dear Andy, Kaw, Joe, and others,

I was reading my own threads as well as others when I put some objectivity to my sitch. I completely stopped enjoying one day at a time and have been severely violating most good advice (even the advice I had given others). This is making me feel a little foolish but also much better on the status of my sitch. Things are actually "fine" with the exception of me working on me. I actually have a PMA for the first time in a week and plan to use that to get me through this weekend. I actually got some work done this afternoon which isn't easy on a Friday especially when it so hot out. Glad to hear of your success Kaw, if I can take care of me I think I am right behind you. Have a great weekend.

TBONE

Tbone,
You have discovered one of the great ways this BB can be used as a tool ... like a roadmap. If you feel lost or have taken a detour ... pull over and take a look at the roadmap to steer you back in the right direction. Take advantage of it as often as needed.

I'm pulling for ya ... May you arrive at your chosen destination upon your journey's end.

'til later,
KAW

Tbone
I know how you feel and it is tough,and we do screw up and then kick ourselves in the a$$ but we go on.My XW goes cold for a week and then wants me to be around her every day the next week.We were together both days last weekend and 3 evenings this week.I have kept a good PMA about her vacation and helped her pickup some stuff she needed.I will be leaving the day after she gets back for a hunting trip so we will not see each other for almost 2 weeks.I hope this helps.She is living in one of my apts. and is supposed to be paying rent and hasn't.I am also storeing alot of her stuff,infact her clothes are still in my closet.She does spend alot of money from the settlement on the kids and whenever we go somewhere she pays for the meals but I think sometimes that I should say something about the rent but then again she will say stuff like she is giving all that she can right now but just isn't sure about getting into a R right now.I did tell her a couple of months ago that if I found out she was dateing or sleeping
with anyone things will change and I will be out of her life forever except for the kids and she reassured me that wasn't going to happen.I know you have problems in you're R but you gave me good advise before and was hopeing you could shed some light.

Randy,

I would love to give you my take on your sitch. This is advise that was given to me last week and because of our similariaties it fits. Here goes, do your damndest to detach. This is very, very hard when we feel so close to our goal of reconciliation. We are guilty of the same thing, caring too much. What bad men we are. Well we are because we are both selfish, but isn't the whole world? We are selfish in that we want our sitch "fixed" because that is what we think we need. Our SO don't necessarity feel the same way. Anyway, you keep giving her ultimatums, "I won't wait forever", "If you start dating I am gone forever", etc. You have made these sorts of points several times, I think she gets it.

What else can you do for yourself? (The hunting trip should be great, I wish I had one planned) What can you do to create "your own life" outside of your XW and kids? I am not saying to disassociate from your XW and kids just split off a little more time for you. Think of it as diversifying your portfolio. Right now you are a little over invested in your R w/ XW. If you aren't so "heavily invested" in your R any deficits there won't be quite so painful and your investment in yourself will reap big returns.

The main question is why does she keep her distance. What is she afraid of? Until she figures it out and then tells you, you will be in the dark. Enjoy everyday with her and enjoy everyday without her until she figures it out. Maybe

Have you thought about why you want her back so badly? Love, comfort, mother of your children, it is you goal,etc? Think long and hard about why. I listed the above reasons because they are mine. I question love but that does come and go in all R. The best way to get her back is to give her all the space she needs and if that means you fill some voids in your life elsewhere then so be it. That is called doing things for yourself. You thirst for love and affection and guess what, that isn't a crime. We know she isn't satisfying your needs but what needs of hers are possibly being neglected? That may be a pretty safe question to ask. "What needs of yours aren't I satisfying?" I asked my W this and she couldn't come up with anything.

That is all I can think of right now but I have a question for everyone. How come it seems like the guys who are complete jerks to their W have the least amount of problems with their R? My D and I were talking about this last week and it sure has us puzzled.

Update: The weekend was hot and cold because I got suckered into a R talk but I think she finally understood some of my points. Overall it was a success, especially this morning. Hey, I am done trying to understand it, I just try to be happy everyday.

TBONE

T-Bone-You sound so much like me when I read your thread that it made me cry. IT's like constantly trying to swim upstream. I have no feeling day to day except anxiety and pain-that is so sad, not to meantion totally draining. I lost me in his A-it threw me into an anxiety/panic mode I can't break and beleive me I am trying. It makes me feel bad about myself that I can't pull mself from out of it. I can't shake the fear or get ahold of what's real. I'm on disability from work because it almost sent me over the edge when I found out he had been having an A for 2 1/2 yrs! What do you do with that? He took repsonsibility for it,said it never should have happened, he won't see her agian, but he acts so different to me. HOw do you live with a person you have no trust for, HeE was faithful for a very long time-25 yrs and then this. The problem is I know how faithful he is to those who he thinks love and support him-he thought those things of her. It hurt him to break it off with her -it hurt him to hurt her because he felt like she had "been there" for him. They were friends before the A for a long time. He let the A happen because he said he felt so alone. It's true-I had my part in pushing him away, my moodiness-I was depressed for a couple of yrs and he flet left out in the cold. Now he is home, but he is not acting like he used to before the A. I don't know wether to beleive he is still having some kind of contact with her or he's just in withdrawal from the feelings of the A. He does tell me he loves me, but he told her too. He told me he loved her in a different kind of way. Not knowing day to day of you can trust your S is a terrible way to live. I'm not proud of myself fro how I've handled all this. I don't bring it up to him much-I do ask for reassuranse sometimes when I just can't stand it anymore and he assures me he is not seeig or talking to her. How do you trust a man that lied for so long and WHAT do you do with all these awful feelings of mistrust? I grieve that we have lost so much in this A. I really am at a loss how to break this cycle I'm in. I want US back and although he says he loves me, it feels not right somehow. Maybe its just the lack of trust. I can forgive him but I need to know if he is really being upfront with me. How would I know?
I have let this run my life for 9 months now, and my emotions have been all over the place. Some days I think he is telling the truth and I can trust him and others (like today) I don't see how you have a 2 1/2 yr affair and break it off and never have contact. I feel so incredibly needy, and I hate it! I've been able to pretty much act as if he's telling the truth, but I don't feel it and thats what's eating me inside.I come here to vent so I don;t vent on him. SOme days he's more loving than others,but he's still not to the place where he was before the A. I don't know if it's because its a process he has to go through or becasue he is still having some kind of contact with her. I don't think I could handle anymore lies. I stay away from R talks for the most part, especially when I'm like this. I've learned they do more harm than good and you don't get the reassurance your looking for. Is it because he's guilty of deceibt again or just resisting my neediness? Some people on here are ok with not knowing and just "acting as if". Well, I'm "acting as if", he's telling the truth, but I don't feel it and its eating me up inside. What kind of marriage do you have if you don't have trust?? I'm scared everyday. One, of me saying or doing the wrong thing because of my emotions, and two, because if he's lying to me again I couldn't take it. I want what he can't or won't give me-to hold me and tell me that I have nothing to fear-every so often when I ask for that reassurance-he says he's had no contact with her what so ever and won't. Why does it not ring true? Because of the hurt of the A or tht my gut is telling me that's its not true? How do you begin to know?? Bad, bad, Monday. Rachael M.