There sure are a lot of us in the same stage of our R. That is okay because it is far better than where we were. In regards to emotional energy spent on EA's. I have addressed that quite directly on a couple of occasions and it seems to be improving greatly. The only way to be for sure is to snoop and that doesn't usually help me. What I mean is that we are spending so much time together and all of her other time is accounted for so it would be pretty hard to put much time into it. She is also complimenting me continuously on one thing or another which she wasn't doing a couple of months ago so that makes me think that she is paying attention to me.
Many of us seem concerned about the future even though the current is going quite well. In my humble opinion that is a recipe for disaster if focused on too intensely. I think we need to enjoy our spouses today with the understanding that they are not "ours". They made the choice to stay today so lets use that time to help them make the same choice for tomorrow. We have to fight through our own demons to be someone that others want to be around. Those demons were probably started by our spouse but they are still ours to deal with. The "bomb" made me try way to hard and when I got over that the R got much better. I said and did a few things that let her know that I could live with or without her and that snapped her to attention. It wasn't an act either. The pain had gotten to the point where I would not live like that any more. She either had to change or I was ready to be done. I am not taking credit because it could have gone either way but God led her to me.
I hope everyone had a great weekend with or without their SO. Ours was great. We hosted the family reunion and everything went well. Every day we have I see as the next step to success. Some others here would view that as a day closer to the end. Perception is reality so just change your perception.
tbone, I just read your post and am too in a sit. where my H is "acting as if" himself. A brief rundown of my (our) sit. is at the "I need Support" page titled "Is he coming around". That way I don't need to type it all again here. Baby steps is what I'm seeing here. I'll take it. I never believed all the love for me was gone in him or I think he would have been outta here, kids or not. the last few weeks my H has been more loving and affectionate. He told me once during the time it was really, really bad that he wasn't in love and wanted to be. That was hard to hear because I took that as him wanting to be in love but NOT with me. He is trying. I'm also trying very hard and keeping the PMA going. he's even told me he wants me to be more postive. Negativity has gotten me into trouble before. I have learned so, so much through all of this and even in the midst of the really bad times since Feb. I told myself that this may be what we really needed because we couldn't continue in the destructive way that we were. I keep hoping that with him acting as if that the feelings of love will return for me. He knows that I love him and that saving my M is extremely important to me, however he also knows I will not be a doormat. I also won't live in a affectionless/loveless M. Well I'm getting affection and I think there is even love there too but he's being cautious and I don't blame him. the day he tells me again that he loves me will be a day for me to celebrate. Thanks for listening- reading. Tiel
tbone, I like your idea about every day you have being the next step to success. I believe that a PMA is very important. I know that my problem is the fact that this has happened again and again. About every 6 months, H says again maybe we should separate. This has been going on since before the millenium. In between, everything has been nice. Therefore, it is difficult, when everything seems nice again, to believe his happiness will stick. I have accepted that I must not have met his expectations/needs in some way, and am trying my best to understand what the problem might be. It almost defies explanation. My H seems happy now. He smiles at me all the time and is loving. I have decided, though, not to plan for the future. It is too changeable.
You have the right attitude, you can't change the future. His choice remains to be you so be happy. We seem to expect love to be "permanent" and life long. They may not be capable of that with anyone and all we can do is sweep our side of the street to set a good example. Lead by example in everything in your R.
I was sick as a dog yesterday and W was very compassionate. She had a terrible day yesterday so I massaged her to sleep and did it again this morning to let her know I was there for her. The R is still the same, status unknown. It bothers me about 15 minutes a day but the rest of the time I am fine. I fight the same battles as everyone else but I don't dwell on it any more. I do everything I can to make her feel cherished without acting like a stalker. Mainly little things, but she recognizes them. Tonight I will bring flowers home because she is having a tough time. The last couple of times that I did this she kiddingly called me a "jerk" and said she doesn't deserve flowers. She realizes she has caised me pain but I try to show that I don't hold it against her. Again, leading by example.
Love them today even if they won't be here tomorrow.
I am having an anxiety day today even though my W and I went through her latest business phone bills and there doesn't seem to be any inappropriate calls made. Just one of those days. She was telling me about a meeting she needs to attend tomorrow night and because of my mood I was a little hesitant which she noticed and gave more details about it. I called her back to tell her that I appreciated her honesty and I was sorry for making her feel like she had to give more details. I also thanked her for not calling her "friends" like she used to do. I think she is coming aroung so even on a day when my trust is low I gave her positive reinforcement for her changes. This sure did work out better than asking a lot of questions and making accusations. We need to use pos. reinf. whenever we can with our SO. Is she still lying? I don't know but if she is lying, me commenting on her honesty will make her feel rather guilty. However if she is indeed truthful, she is getting recognition for it. Finally a win-win sitch instead of lose-lose. Wow, do I learn slowly.
I am tormenting myself today by not trusting so I will stop now. I can't wait for the day when this crap is so far behind me that the slightest thing doesn't bring it to the surface so easily.
Tbone, Sorry to hear about your day, but as you very well know it is quite normal for this to come and go. (You're kind visit to my thread help me thru this last week.)
In your previous thread you mentioned how UR W was unconcerned about how you felt regarding how she was spending her time and whether she would truely work on the R. Now, you post:
quote:
She was telling me about a meeting she needs to attend tomorrow night and because of my mood I was a little hesitant which she noticed and gave more details about it. -----------------------------------------------------------------------
Now, not only is she now conscenous of how you feel, she is deliberately checking for your vibes and wants ease your uncertainty.
IMHO, this show of concern is a hint of the feelings inside her, like a seedling cracking the surface. Offering more details about her meeting is a sign of her effort to work on R. She seems to coming around.
Thank goodness for this board and my best friend. I think I am a little better now.
However, I did screw up and asked her to tell me truthfully if she had contacted her "friends" since I asked her not to last time. She said she did but that I have nothing to worry about it was only a couple of silly e-mails. My best friend chewed me out for even caring if she did. I thought asking was better than snooping. He also told me to quit "needing" things from her. He has been through a very similar sitch and knows what not to do. I keep trying to change her into an honest, responsible person and that isn't my job. Only my W can control that. I see the changes she needs to make as so simple but her problems are very ingrained.
I keep thinking our problems are so close to over but that just isn't the case. I am not angry, just disappointed. I will distance a little bit now and let her "float". When I know she is still contacting them it makes me not like her very much so the distancing is easy. I keep trying to "logic" her back but that isn't working. I just keep trying way too hard. Hopefully in the near future either she will rededicate 100% or I won't care that she didn't.
Kaw, I am glad I could help last week.
You are right, it is progress that she gave details of where she was going. She also quit her volleyball team to spend more time with the family. Bear with my pessimism but she has done positive things before only to remain in limbo land. Most times once the WA starts back home it is a "snowball" effect but with my W I have seen good signs before only to be disappointed. I feel like the little boy who kept hollering "WOLF" only my version is "SHE'S BACK!, she is still contacting them, SHE'S BACK, she is still contacting them". Like I said my patience with that is very thin now and it is quickly becoming choice time. I will not force a choice but will gradually just fade away.
Sorry I've not checked in for a while, T. Been away on a family vacation.
I understand. I see where you are, and I envy much of it, but I understand. There is still something there that you can't quite put your finger on that's driving you nuts, that's testing your trust. Secrets. I live this all the time.
I agree, it was probably not good to ask her. I find that when I really want to ask those kind of questions, I am seeking reasurance, looking for the answer I want to hear. So, I ask myself what I'll feel like if I hear the opposite, how will I behave, how will my PMA be affected? And, then I usually don't ask. It's like snooping... you have to be prepared for what you may find, even when you are only looking for reassurance.
I find that talking, telling stories about me, and about how I feel gets some response. If I tell her I'm hurting, or feeling insecure about things (and I don't mean OR), she leaps in wondering if she's making me feel that way. It show me that she cares about it, if not fully willing to do something about it. Shows me she's still "working" on some level.
Oh, anyway, just kind of rambling. I'm not posting much, I'm tired of it, but I wanted to let you know I read.
Just remember, this isn't a sprint, it's a marathon. It's not an event, but the rest of our lives. If we can all get by these rough spots with patience and understanding, we can learn how we got here and avoid it in the future. Our marriages will be stronger than ever, or our next R will benefit. This is all about the rest of our lives...
Glad to hear from you Z and I hear the vacation went well. You are right about being ready to hear the negative. I pretty much knew what the answer but I was trying to build some trust by asking instead of snooping. It was also a case of trying to help her over the top. Things are going well and she is spending little energy on her "friends" but my pride can't deal with this game she is playing. Not just with me but with them.
The main thing is I want more. I have told her that her contact with them makes me very uncomfortable because of where she came in contact with them. She met them under the premise of a match so in my eyes that makes them off limits. I guarantee you that she would come unglued under the same sitch so I feel very justified with my request. The contact seems to be dwindling so I will drop it now but I had to push a little.
1 month til our anniversary and then I am done playing this cat and mouse game. She is "acting" like she is back but I need the whole thing. It has been 20 months since I heard ILY and I won't be her safe haven while she checks out the field. I can't take another tax season where she "totures" me with her lies. I would love to have your patience Z but I am doing my best.
I am really struggling with anger lately for what she did and what her deception is doing to me. She takes zero responsibility for her actions and that fact alone makes me want to run from her. It would feel so damn good to just lay into her about all of the crap she has pulled and chew her out. I don't think even that would get her attention to the magnitude of what she does. The habitual lying is driving me up a wall. I never can just take what she says as fact, ever. The rage is really building and I believe that is why I am so desperate for her to stop lying. Z, what can I do?
