Quote: You have two little girls who need you more than you need your H right now. Focus on them, on yourself, and stop worrying about what he's doing. He's told you all of the things you needed to hear (he's over the OW, he loves you, he wants to work things out, he's working for YOU and the kids), and yet it's STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH!? What will be enough for you? Does he have to time-travel back and undo the affair? It happened. He apologized. Get over it.
There's things I wish I could time-travel back and change because then the stupid affair might have never happened. Like I wish I would have found this site way back in Oct. or Nov. when the R was starting to really going into the toilet . . . then maybe NONE of us would sitting here having this conversation. BUT . . . neither he nor I can go back and change what has happened, I know that.
Now as all of you have told me over and over and over and OVER and OVER (ya getting the point yet?!) I have to make a decision. I am teetering on a fence, I can fight for myself and my H and have something to put my energy into, or I can leave the entire situation and be miserable on my own. (Not saying that I can't be happy by myself . . .) I truly want to be with my H . . . it's just all the uncertainty that keeps me on the fence. I think it's time for me to do some soul searching (I have two weeks before he'll even be back in his cell service range . . . and then one more of him doing more operating center training/testing) and decide which damn side of the fence I'm going to leap from.
My parents have been asking if we are reconciling and I always say, "Yeah, maybe I guess. We're trying." I always say things like that. I don't know if it's because I'm scared he'll back out or if it's because I haven't really made up my mind.
It's time for Emily to truly decide what she's going to do and then DO IT! My H has "made a decision" and is starting to ACT on what he says. Now can I??????
If you post this 1000 times, I'll reply 1001 times until you "get it".
Quote: I don't know if it's because I'm scared he'll back out or if it's because I haven't really made up my mind.
Who gives a $hit if he backs out in terms of what YOU do. Making up your mind to fight, USING DB tactics does NOT require you to make up your mind about what you THINK he may or may not do because you accept that you cannot control that.
Please, stop thinking that somehow YOUR commitment is a gurarentee one way or another or that somehow YOUR decision will ensure ANYTHING at all. You can decide all you want but in the end, if you decide you want to walk away and he comes litterally crawling to you with all the sincerity in the world begging you to stay, you might do it...or you might figure out you made the wrong decision to leave and try to turn back.
Like I said, stop this. You DON'T have to decide anything more than you are 100% committed to YOURSELF right now and improving YOUR situation on your OWN. The R stuff can wait.
The answer to your parents is "yes, I am doing what I need to do to ensure my marriage has the best chance of being reocnciled and once it is, staying strong so this won't happen again."
There, you see, you can say that and not say ANYTHING about H at all. This, right now, is all about YOU Emily, not making some ill-informed, emotionally charged decision about wanting your H or now. The sooner you REALLY get that, the sooner the work can begin. So long as you persist in thinking this is all about H and what he does or doesn't do, or your feelings about him, the longer you will have to wait to be truly happy.
Well I see somebody (GH) has their hardass hat back on this morning .
Good.
Because warm and fuzzy isn't going to work here.
Emily,
Please get it through your head that ultimately, which is NOW, it is completely irrelevant what your H DECIDES to do. YOU however, have complete control over what YOU are going to do. You have a lot of maturing to do, a lot of your own issues that you need to work out and a ton of 'stinkin thinkin' to overcome.
You can do it.
But NOT until you decide that you are going to do it for YOURSELF.
Who does EMILY want to be?
"HIS WIFE" is NOT THE ANSWER! That's how many of us ended up here. By losing our own identity. You need to carve your identity out for yourself over the next few months. THEN YOU will be the one making the decisions for yourself and those decisions will be healthy ones.
AmyC and GH have this nailed down. We have all been telling you this and believe me we all know it is easier said than done. But you must focus on yourself and what you want. Read - reread - reread - reread what AmyC and GH wrote - it is wisdom. Then take action and stick to it!
((((((Emily))))))
You know I wrote to you before, "I am not the problem. Therefore, I am not the solution." This statement is TRUE only in regards to your H. So re-phrased "I am not part of my Hs problem. Therefore, I cannot be the solution to Hs problem." You cannot control him.
YOU are - however, part of YOUR problem. Therefore, YOU and ONLY YOU are going to be the solution to YOUR OWN PROBLEMS.
Quote: So re-phrased "I am not part of my Hs problem. Therefore, I cannot be the solution to Hs problem." You cannot control him.
Thank you Santhony (so sorry for your sitch by the way . . you are in my prayers!) your post as usual sent me crying.
I know that I can't make him stick to his words. I can't influence the things he does. I promise I realize that. Maybe I am still to focused on working on this stuff because I want my M to work (at least from my end.) but isn't that why we're all here?1?!?!?
It would be much easier for me to decide what to do with myself if it weren't for my H. I know that I'll get a good shaking for that . . . but it's the way I feel. The only answer I can come up with to answer Amy's question is
I don't know . . . I don't know what I want to do. I don't even really know how I am as a person. I've spent to much time losing my identity . . .
Quote: That's how many of us ended up here. By losing our own identity.
Amy (and please don't take this the wrong way Emily) but it's hard to lose something you never had. I think that's what presents Emily with a semi-unique sitch here. She admitted to never really finding her own way, that she's been raised to not do that, and now she's allowed herself as an adult to believe that she has no personal power or identity.
For this reason, which is something YOU can control Emily, and your age, I cut you some slack, but slack is not going to grow your self-esteem nor win you your marriage back.
One more thing I want to point out is the words you choose to use like "pretty" and such. It is clear that your definition of self-worth stems from your childhood and that you are still defining yourself through your parent's eyes and with a child's sense of self. The words you use and the way you express yourself lets us know that you are still not really aware of how to begin thinking of yourself as an independent, adult woman with all the joy, freedom and yes, responsibility that comes with it. That's ok though because you WILL learn if you keep on this path and when you do, it will be a GREAT moment in your life.
I KNOW you are making progress and I give you credit for that. The fact that you're starting to admit you have some issues to deal with that are NOT related to your H is a good start. Just know that however harsh any of us get, we only want to help you and we'll resort to any tactics we see fit to do that, including blasting you when you need to be blasted. Please don't let that scare you or deter you from posting your true feelings. Deceiving us is not going to help, and we'll know you are doing it anyway, so don't try.
I may not be warm and fuzzy this morning, but I do still care a hell of a lot so please hear me/us through all the frustration and "harsh" words trying to help the best way we know how.
Ok, let me help you understand the slight (or not so slight) difference between how you think now and how we are trying to get you to think about your sitch...
Quote: I know that I can't make him stick to his words.
No, but you CAN eventually (not now, you're too emotional) set boundaries and then stick to them, i.e. If H cheats again I will leave HIM and for good. So no, you CAN'T MAKE him do anything but you CAN make sure you know what your boundaries are and make the commitment to yourself to back them up with action.
Quote: I can't influence the things he does.
Bull$hit. You certainly CAN influence the things he does. That's what we've been trying to tell you all along. The problem is that INFLUENCE is not good enough for you. You want control and no, you can't have that.
Your actions and words DO influence him. To what extent none of us know, but our collective opinion over the past week or so has been that your ACTIONS/WORDS have INFLUENCED him to go away rather than stay with you.
We are trying to get you to see that your influence is CRITICAL and the only way to actually influence your sitch for the better is to stop all the negative thought and start learning how to be stronger, more independent and happier on your own so that your very being influences him to change HIS behavior towards you.
Quote: Maybe I am still to focused on working on this stuff because I want my M to work (at least from my end.) but isn't that why we're all here?1?!?!?
It's a chicken/egg thing. Yes, we all came here, and honestly are still here, to fix our marriages but many of us have discovered that there is a LOT of work to do on ourselves before WE are ready for our marriage to resume, no matter WHAT our partners do or don't do. You fall squarely into this category. I do NOT think you are ready to be in a marriage with a man who will be gone 3/4 of the time with all the opportunity in the world to be having an affair, if only in your head.
I hate to be the one to point this out, but your sitch is even more tough than many of ours because of the job your H will have, and in the end, it's likely you'll have to be even STRONGER than the rest of us to deal with not only YOUR mind's idea of what he may be up to, but the reality that he will be gone so much of the time and you'll only have you to rely on for happiness and health.
That said, you have all the tools to BE that strong woman, you just have to decide to use them.
Quote: It would be much easier for me to decide what to do with myself if it weren't for my H. I know that I'll get a good shaking for that . . . but it's the way I feel.
Ok, so if it were not for your H, what WOULD you do? Would you move? Date? Find a job? What are you holding back from doing because of him? Maybe figuring that out would lead you to understand more about what you need to do WITH him in the picture.
I think many people make the mistake of believing they can only do certain things AFTER their spouse is gone, when in fact, they CAN do it while they are there but it requires detachment and a lot of personal strength, something that a lot of us don't have, at least in the beginning.
Quote: I don't even really know how I am as a person. I've spent to much time losing my identity . . .
Oh, BTW Emily, I AM that person too. I am 35 and it took this event in my life to realize that I NEVER took the time to figure out who I was. You have a HUGE advantage over me and the rest of us because actually you are at the point in life where you aren't SUPPOSED to know that yet. These years are when you learn the most about who you are, so realize that, don't beat yourself up too much and start learning about Emily. I think you'll like her once she comes out of her shell enough to talk to you.
Quote: Amy (and please don't take this the wrong way Emily) but it's hard to lose something you never had. I think that's what presents Emily with a semi-unique sitch here.
I hear what you're saying GH and I think you are exactly right about Emily's sitch.
Quote: Ok, so if it were not for your H, what WOULD you do? Would you move? Date? Find a job? What are you holding back from doing because of him? Maybe figuring that out would lead you to understand more about what you need to do WITH him in the picture.
No I wouldn't move. I plan on finding a job even if we stay in this R. I would most certainly date . . . maybe not right away.
I wouldn't have to ever think about the OW and all the way that I feel I am not good enough for him. It's still been weighing so heavily on my mind.
I know I would still think about her and him . . but I guess I just don't feel that it would half as bad is I wasn't trying to salvage our relationship that he went outside of anyway to be with her.
Now that he's actually out on the road and driving . . I feel better about his whole job situation. I honestly wouldn't want him here all the time right now. It's something that in a few months we may want to reevalute . . . maybe 2 or maybe 6 or maybe a year. He's talked about maybe not liking being gone so much and wanting to find something that gives him more home time. I think that his job will work out best in the end.
As for what else I would differently . . . nothing really. Just moving on with my life, trying to pick up the pieces . . instead of spinning my wheels in the same rut. Not that I would go about it any better than I am right now. But when you don't have choice (like when he kicked me out before I was so PANICKED about where I was going live and how I was going to pay for anything.) BUT now I have an apartment and I pay my bills. He hasn't given me money in 3 or 4 months now I think.
I honestly thanked him for everything that's happened (him kicking me out and everything) when he asked why. I told him because it's made me do things I was terrified to do, it's helped me grow as a person and see that although I really want him in my life I don't TOTALLY need him. I told him it helped me be more independant.
Right now the big issue for me as it has been lately is the PA and getting myself over it enough to be normal. He and I would be fine if I could just get over that. Reguardless of that before I get yelled at I understand that I have a lot of work to do ON ME without him. But if I could just not constantly feel that he's walking in and out and back and forth . . I could buckle down and do what I need to do. So that said . . . I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DETACH ENOUGH TO NOT CARE WHAT HE'S DOING AND WORK ON MYSELF so that he'll make up his mind to stay and I can be wonderful and loving and he'll never second guess that decision. I freak out and make him second guess coming back . . I do see that.
Quote: I honestly thanked him for everything that's happened (him kicking me out and everything) when he asked why. I told him because it's made me do things I was terrified to do, it's helped me grow as a person and see that although I really want him in my life I don't TOTALLY need him. I told him it helped me be more independant.
Quote: I NEED TO FIGURE OUT HOW TO DETACH ENOUGH TO NOT CARE WHAT HE'S DOING AND WORK ON MYSELF so that he'll make up his mind to stay and I can be wonderful and loving and he'll never second guess that decision. I freak out and make him second guess coming back . . I do see that.
. 