I never looked at any of it that way. You're right . . .
I guess that I when my H calls tonight I'll tell him that we are done.
I can't fix myself. . . I can't fix those things that you showed me. I knew that I had issues (I have since I was 4 or 5 and I kept pushing that I knew didn't belong with my family so they finally told me I was adopted at 7 or 8.) but I didn't realize that it was all my fault the marriage crumbled! I can't fix myself. . . Thanks again guys . . . thanks for trying with me.
Really great posts RB. Very insightful. I am alot like Emily and thru your posts can now see how I single handedly ruined my marriage. I will have to re-read your thoughts again. Thank you!
BUT, you're running away with the lame excuse that you can never change. My H does the same thing. Like your H, my H has the same issues....lots of insecurity and self-hate that preceded me, feelings that he was never loved well, and I added to that with the nagging and looking down, and wanting him to be the man I had in my mind (like RB said, hurtful but true). I am immesely regretful for things I have done, but this is H's issues as well.
You, like many others in similar sitch's, including myself, are going through a phase like in MLC....where you "wake up" and feel horribly depressed at what you squandered, and how much you destroyed and how damaged it is. I went through that for months and I still do. Know that your H will also go through the same thing when he "wakes up." as well.
None of us meant to make such hurtful mistakes in our M. None of us ever started out that way. I went to a wedding this weekend and was remindeded of the newness and freshness we had that day, and now look at the mess we made.
It's all part of NOT being mindful and conscious in your every move, each day.
You owe it to yourself, your kids and your H, as a friend, to stay here, and work through your things. You will just pass this along to the kids, stick with it to show your kids that people do have integrity, grow up, change and make things work....most of all, show them compassion and forgiveness.
This is YOUR life now....do you want to go through it knowing that you never changed? How many more "wake up calls" do you need?
We care about you here, and we want to see you healed and changed.
Just give us a few months, of earnest effort and help, and then decide. OK?
Now that I am a little less shaken. . . I just thought I'd try to comment on a few of the topics brought up here!
Concerning my MIL . . . I have talked to her since the split. Once just a week before Kiya was born. It was a pleasant half hour convo. I certainly don't hate her. I was just very upset at how I felt she stepped into a R that wasn't her business. She was so angry and "hated" me because my H was telling her I was accusing him of the EA . . when he was the one telling me it was going on. So she and I never saw eye to eye about that whole sitch. I would love for her to see her new granddaughter . . but they aren't interested. Oh well I guess.
My parents and I don't EVER see eye to eye. NEVER have. I certainly don't NOT love them . . . I just don't like the way they live or the things they do. I appreciate EVERYTHING they do for me. I just don't like that I am never good enough for them. Never have been. I don't like that my mother will look at me and tell me that I don't mother my children right and then step in and do it a different way so that my daughter behaves poorly for me. She's two and doesn't understand having different rules yet.
As for my H . . . I never saw that I treated him poorly. I always tried to stand behind him. I never told him that I was unhappy about the way things were. . . even when were living as "nomads" much like he did his whole life. I kept my mouth shut. I've always tried to support him in whatever he wanted do. It got harder when we had Felina . . because there were diapers to buy and a baby that needed food . . so he really needed a steady job. I never had my mind set on changing him . . . I had very much hoped that maybe his "drifter" attitude would change and he would want to "settle down". . . . but I've certainly always loved him for the person that I see inside. He's a truly lovely person . . .he just wears a lot of hurt and hate on the outside, but I see what's in his heart.
I thought that I always at least tried to do right by him. I never saw all the ways I was hurting him and holding him back. You're very right he does deserve better . . .and I'll tell him so.
I don't stand up for myself EVER . . . maybe that's the way I was raised. No . . . not maybe. That is the way I was raised. I wasn't allowed to stand up for the way I felt. I wasn't allowed to have an outward emotion about ANYTHING. I can't change that. I don't know how to stand up now . . . when I've always had to cram my emotions down. I don't think books will help . . . I don't take advice very well I guess.
That's all I really have to say. I never realized that I was one holding him back. Now he has a career for himself and he is feeling better about himself . . . I'll cut him loose before I screw him up anymore. THANKS
Don't do to us what you do to the other people in your life. We don't know you and you don't know us. This is an anonymous forum filled with damaged people trying to help each other along. Stop trying to play the victim here. We KNOW you have issues. We KNOW it's probably linked to how you were brought up. WE ALL HAVE THE SAME TYPE OF ISSUES. The only difference is that somewhere along the way we bought into the idea that no matter HOW WE WERE RAISED, or who our parents were to us, we are adults with the free will to change ourselves. If you are just going to sit here and say "well, since I can't change then it's all over with" then, well, I guess you're right but then again, why did you come here in the first place? Did you think we'd all just tell you what you wanted to hear, that your H is the biggest a-hole (which he may be, because if you don't know you, we CERTAINLY don't know him) in the world and that you've been victimized by yet another person in the your life? Did you think we'd NOT try to help you become more self-sufficient and able to stand on your own?
We are here to help you, and part of helping you is to teach you to fish, not just cook you a fish dinner. We will even tell you which pole we prefer (Divorce Remedy) and which bait to use (GAL & Detachment) but in the end, if you won't go to the water, we can't help you.
You sound like you think we're judging you or something. RB took a HELL of a lot of time to post to you and somehow you took it as an attack of some sort, or that you were being judged. Oh, and BTW, you ARE starting to stand up for yourself in your last post. Keep it up.
Emily, if you are going to believe, for whatever the reasons, that you are powerless in your life, then you always will be and you'll be at the mercy of other people's whims, and those other people will 100% of the time let you down.
I truly believe that since you are already aware of what the root of some of your issues is (your childhood/upbringing) then you CAN start to change that in your life now. You are NOT in denial about that and that's a big step.
Please, DON'T run from us. We DO care. We care enough that we won't pretend to think everything you say is perfect or sugar coat the truth AS WE SEE IT. Please realize that RB, I, always, and everyone on this board are just people like you, scared and feeling alone, reaching out for help.
In my 7 months here, I can honestly say that I have only felt attacked once or twice and that was from people who were new and were not in any way interested in helping me but rather here just for the fun of it. The rest of the 1000's of posts I have received from the people here, however harsh (and believe me, I have had my share) they were, were ALWAYS in an attempt to help me.
Emily, please, let us help you. Help yourself. Don't run from this. Even if you can only take 10% of what you are advised into your life, try it and see if you like what happens. You CAN do this, and I don't care what anyone else in your life thinks, even you. I KNOW YOU CAN DO THIS!
I keep trying to think of something great to say! I keep coming up totally dry.
I understand perfectly well that I contributed to the rapid decline of our marriage by being too needy and allowing my total self worth to rest on him (who isn't stable in his own self worth). That I understand.
But I never realized that I was hurting him in these other ways. The answer to the question of whether or not I really want to be married to this man, the question of whether or not I love him. The one that I was suppose to just say yes because that comes naturally. The answer is: YES!!! YES . . . I LOVE HIM soooooo much! I truly love him. I wouldn't have ever come here and tried . . if I didn't. Sure I get frustraighted and mad and think I want him to suffer . . . BUT I still LOVE him.
However . . . I am not trying to run away . . or take what was said as a personal attack. BUT . . . now that I see what I have blind to. . . . I don't know how I could allow myself to drag him down further AND go through this again.
I have been trying to fix or erase the pain that I felt as a child. From being adopted to having my "second" set of parents never truly love me. When my mom looked at me and told me I was the biggest mistake of her life she should've never taken me. I guess maybe that totally broke my spirit. (I was 17 then.) I can remember since 6th grade her telling me I was fat and so on and so forth.
I have been trying to erase this stuff. REALLY I HAVE!! Most people I can hide it from . . .most people never see how screwed up I am. BUT I guess Kevin I just can't hide it from. I'm too comfortable with him. I don't want to be uncomfortable with him.
We talked for HOURS this morning. . . . it was so wonderful. He was the sweetest person. He kept complimenting me. We did a little more heart to hearting about the R. He said that if I could just keep a little trust in him he would prove to me that he is on stable round now and he's not going run anymore. He said that he REALLY loves me. . etc. BUT . . . I guess it was never about him was it? It's about me . . .
It's not that I am unwilling to try and change . . it's that I simply can't figure out how. I thought I was doing the things that needed to be done . . if I'm not than I am TOTALLY lost . . . and I don't know what the hell to do.
I just don't want to repeat this cycle because I can't get my $hit straightened out! I just never saw how much of it was my fault. At least if I let him go now . . . it won't hurt either of us as much as it will in 6 months or a year . . . after we've been trying and it's still not working. . . .
I do LOVE him . . I love him enough to let go now.
Quote: I didn't realize that it was all my fault the marriage crumbled! I can't fix myself. . .
Emily, go back and read the third post of mine about your H. Of course I never said that it was all your fault -- I discussed his issues at length and tried to help you understand them in a way you might not have previously viewed them. He's responsible for his actions, and his actions have been absolutely horrible.
The question is: can you get beyond the issues of fault and blame to start building a better you and a better life as a result? Are you going to take charge of your life, or are you going to live it as a victim?
AmyC has prodded you several times previously about how you are going to change yourself, and you've ignored her. That's why I was afraid that you would dismiss this. It is to your credit that, in your most recent post, you express that you ARE willing to work on your issues.
I really identify with both you and your H in different ways ... I guess that's why I was so drawn to your sitch. Studying your sitch has really helped me reflect more on issues in my own life that I need to address. I hope you can see that I didn't spend over 10 hours on your sitch to try to hurt you -- it's because I see so many wonderful things in your life that would really blossom if you can address a few issues.
It will take true courage to change, but you can. Do you want your H to change? What does it say if you will not?
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: I hope you can see that I didn't spend over 10 hours on your sitch to try to hurt you -- it's because I see so many wonderful things in your life that would really blossom if you can address a few issues.
No I know you didn't! I really REALLY appreciate ALL the time I'm sure it took for you to go the WHOLE way back and read EVERYTHING! I honestly do appreciate all of your honest open advice.
Quote: Emily, go back and read the third post of mine about your H. Of course I never said that it was all your fault -- I discussed his issues at length and tried to help you understand them in a way you might not have previously viewed them. He's responsible for his actions, and his actions have been absolutely horrible.
I did go back and reread that very post right now . . .
I see that you went through his issues as well.
They all ended up basically being the way he was raise AND then of course the fact that although I wasn't aware that I ever even felt that way . . I looked down on him throught our M.
I really did always feel that I supported him . . or at least tried to support him even when things didn't go according to plan.
I realize that although I tried to support him while things were going on. When something didn't work out I did tend to throw it in his face later during a fight or when things were particularly tense between us.
Quote: AmyC has prodded you several times previously about how you are going to change yourself, and you've ignored her. That's why I was afraid that you would dismiss this. It is to your credit that, in your most recent post, you express that you ARE willing to work on your issues.
I never ment to ignore the question. I understood/understand that I need to work on me. That's what the whole DBing idea is based on afterall right?!?!
BUT . . here's the thing . . .
I DON'T KNOW HOW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I thought all of the things I was doing was leading to a change in me. I thought I was working on them.
I thought all of the things that I AM doing for myself . . .were me liberating and not needing him as much.
I mean if he died tonight (tragic yes) . . I could take care of myself. Afterall I pay ALL my own bills (with no financial help from him) . . . the apartment and everything is solely in my name.
I mean sure I don't have my license yet . . and haven't worked since he kicked me out in December . . but they are things that I am working on.
I would be VERY sad BUT . . I would survive.
I have been a "single" mother for 7 months . . . and I don't think I do too bad at it! My girls are healthy and happy!
Quote: It will take true courage to change, but you can. Do you want your H to change? What does it say if you will not?
The only thing that I want him to do is NOT break my heart by having another OW.
Everything else he's doing all by himself . . . because he wants to do it.
Again I don't feel that it's that I lack the courage or the want to change . . . it's that I lack the knowledge of how to change myself.
I don't know how to fix the anger and the hurt that I have carried around with me for so long (this is stuff that was most definately wrong with me before he and I EVER met.)
I am not going to fly off the handle with him tonight . . .
I just don't want to continue on if it's going to hurt him more.
Quote: Again I don't feel that it's that I lack the courage or the want to change . . . it's that I lack the knowledge of how to change myself. I don't know how to fix the anger and the hurt that I have carried around with me for so long (this is stuff that was most definately wrong with me before he and I EVER met.)
You might want to consider therapy. Maybe some one-on-one work with a professional could help you learn how to let go of the past and move on with your life. You are so young and have so much ahead of you -- with or without your H.
I think it's wonderful that so many people are reaching out to you. Please, if nothing else, really think about the things that have been said here. No one is saying it's all your fault, or that your M has no chance to be healed. But there's a lot of work to be done, and some of it falls on you. All of us who are DBing are working on ourselves, not just our marriages.
