Sorry, I had to intervene. Emily, Frank, GH and Amy are giving you such good advice. I feel you are reading it BUT not heeding it. The more I read your posts the more frustrated I become. Don't you get it? YOU are pushing your H away. You are mad because he left early, why can't he? You cannot control him sister!! Please for your own sake and the sake of your children, go back and re-read everything that was posted to you and really let it sink in. Okay?
Do you know the concept of self fulfilled prophesy? It almost universally is applied to pessemistic thinking. Self sabotage. Do the opposite. You're not going to be any worse off if you're wrong. You already know what he did - you've been through it. Vouch for him, respect him. Think positively about him. Honor him.
When it comes down to it, YOU are building him up to be untrustworthy, not because he IS, but because you are scared that if you trust him and he does it again, you will be responsible for your pain because you had the choice to protect yourself by not trusting him. You can either protect yourself, or you can work towards recovering your M. Which do you want? GH says it all the time, there's significant emotional risk in recovering your M. He doesn't have to make you feel secure and help you through your pain, YOU have to be willing to take on these issues and hope he'll accompany you on this journey. You NEED to do it either way, unless you want to repeat history over with different players.
You can do this, I know you can. Sorry that we're all being so harsh - it's easy to see and to say these things, but from the other side, it just doesn't click into place until it does. Don't just hang in there, be ambitious. Proactive. Forge ahead. You'll be nothing but happy you did!
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Emily, it is frustrating to see the positives in your situation and still you are willing to throw it all away. You need to get in control of your emotions before you throw it all away.
It is you who is going to help or break your husband in deciding if he his willing to make this marriage work. Instead of thinking you know what he is thinking or know what he is doing why don't you try believing what his words and actions?
YOU have to be willing to take on these issues and hope he'll accompany you on this journey. You NEED to do it either way, unless you want to repeat history over with different players.
Quote: I snooped WAY before he put the wedding band back on. Not that that makes it OK . . but I looked in his phone when he first got here.
So you've been waiting for your H to come for a visit for a long time, and one of the very first things you do is snoop to see if he called the OW recently? For crying out loud, did you even give him a hug at the door first before you let your insecurity take control of your body?
Emily, when I did the comprehensive sitch review for you, I was afraid of this. You are completely stubborn and unwilling to change, and you hide that stubborness behind your low self-esteem and tell yourself and us that you CAN'T change. That's a total crock of BS.
You actually sound just like my W, who's said repeatedly that she's continuing her A because she just can't control herself. That's a LIE. You can control yourself.
This is my last post to you until you actually DO something to change, instead of just talking about it.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: Instead of thinking you know what he is thinking or know what he is doing why don't you try believing what his words and actions?
Good idea gabby! He always tells me not to put thoughts in his head or words in his mouth. Because I always have to think I know what's going to happen.
I don't know why I always do this. OK . . . I want to try the whole innocent until proven guilty technique again but someone hit it right on the head when they said I don't want to try because if he breaks my heart again then I'll be the one that's totally responsible. I am trying to protect myself . . . and you all know better than I that I can't very well do both. I have to chose to truly let go and love him fully or protect myself from him and push him away!!!
RB . . . yes I did actually spend sometime with him before I snooped. He came at night and we went to bed together and then the next morning when he brought all of his stuff I went through the phone.
I even put it down several times and thought of all the things you guys would say to me about not snooping because it only makes the sitch worse. BUT . . . I got the best of myself and looked anyway. It did make my H very upset . . . he went out and threw his phone across the parking lot and said, "There now she can't call me anymore." (because he thought the phone was broken) It was a immature but almost sweet thing to do. I felt just awful. After I snooped I wasn't going to say anything to him but he kept asking me what was wrong so I asked him why he was still calling her. He said he wasn't . . . so I told him I had looked in his phone.
I have to run . . . I'll be back with more thoughts in a little bit.
Sorry that I have you so frustraighted RB . . . thanks for being totally honest RB! I'm going to really try to prove myself so maybe you'll come back and give more advice. Give me some time and hopefully I'll prove myself!
RB, you did so much work here and I feel your frustration. So many here can SEE what needs to be done and are willing to help. It is why I love this board. People can put their own pain and suffering aside and are willing to help others unselfishly. Emily can't see what she is doing to sabatoge her M. We can, yet she refuses to really LISTEN to all of the wonderful advice.
Well I still haven't heard from my H to find out whether or not he is coming home or going to Ohio. I am getting worried. Not because I think the R is over or because I think he is cheating . . . only because I really wanted to talk to him one last time before he went out on the road for 2 weeks.
I think his phone battery died earlier when we were talking because it cut out and he hasn't called since. He said he would come home tonight if he didn't have to leave today . . . I just want to know if he is coming or not. I'll be up all night waiting for if he doesn't call me . . . I'll drive myself crazy.
I'm not trying to ignore the advice given to me . . I SWEAR! I really am not! I SWEAR TO GOD I AM TRYING TO FIGURE OUT EXACTLY HOW TO APPLY IT TO MY SITCH WITH MY H!!! So maybe I'm a little slow about understanding and doing it all but I promise I do take it all in. I understand why you all get frustraighted and have to stop posting . . . but please don't think I am trying to be ignorant and " sabatoge my marriage" I WOULDN"T BE HERE RIGHT NOW TRYING THIS DAMN IT!! I am honestly trying!!! That's why I kept my feelings in as best I could That's why I keep supporting my H and trying to stay lovingly detached. That's why I am TRYING! That's the best I can do . . try. It's NOT all talk . . I did put it into action this weekend. . . . it can only get better. I mean unless he comes back tonight for awhile . . it'll be three weeks before I see again. That's plenty of time to keep building on myself so that I can be a WONDERFUL person when he comes home next time.
I am going to try and change my thinking . . . I am honestly going to tell myself not to second guess anything he is telling me because his actions are proving that he wants to try . . . and I do see where I am pushing him farther and farther away. I need to change something . . . . and the only thing I can change is my thinking about how much he lies. SO . . . I might as well try, because at this point it's going to hurt either way.
I just hope he calls me tonight so that I am not worried about him.
Emily, there is a website that might help you. it is www.masteryoflife.com Check it out and learn about recognizing and letting go of fear. all of your feelings and reactions are driven by fear. Only you can learn to control your own fears. Please check this site out. ST
At the bar the Judge will not look us over for medals, degrees, or diplomas, but for scars. - Hugh B. Brown
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