You need to get a PT job. For all the energy you waste worrying about crap you won't do anything to remedy, you might as well get a paycheck for it.
You will not make any headway until you dig a little deeper into EMILY.
In the meantime, don't "worry" about your husband. He's a big boy and doesn't need another mother. Also please recognize that what you define as being "worried" is really only your discomfort with the fact that you can't control who he is with or where he goes.
So do me that one favor and let's at least call a spade a spade.
You should feel fortunate that your H wants to work on this. So many of us don't even have that. You are already so much further in repairing your marriage than most of us are, and you could blow it any second with your negative thinking, snooping, and distrust.
You have two little girls who need you more than you need your H right now. Focus on them, on yourself, and stop worrying about what he's doing. He's told you all of the things you needed to hear (he's over the OW, he loves you, he wants to work things out, he's working for YOU and the kids), and yet it's STILL NOT GOOD ENOUGH!? What will be enough for you? Does he have to time-travel back and undo the affair? It happened. He apologized. Get over it. And like so many have already said -- you can't ever know if he'll do it again. But you can't know that about ANYONE, because you can't ever control other people's actions. You can only control your own. So start right now and learn to react with more positivity and trust toward your H -- I bet you'll find a better R on the other side if you just give in to the good feelings instead of letting the bad ones control you.
Quote: There is a good book called the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It is VERY esoteric and kinda "new-agey" but his philosophy is very eastern in the fact that he stresses not dwelling on the past OR the future as they are both constructs in our own mind, and as such, are NOT real.
I second it, it's a good book. Has to be read more than once, and with an open mind. "The FOUR Agreements is a good second to read.
You need to calm down. Look at what you're doing to yourself. I almost think it would be better to 'decide' it's over with H and just get on with your life.
This emotional rollercoaster you are putting yourself through is not healthy at all. Calm down.
When was the last time you had a good cleansing cry? Rent, borrow or look on TV for a good, sad movie so you can release some of this emotion. It's destroying you. I think you need to just let him go for now and get yourself grounded because you are NOT grounded. He doesn't matter right, it's YOU that matters right now.
Please pause, sit quietly and watch a sad movie or do something to release this hurt. Please. I'm worried about you. Take care of YOU.
Emily, I agree with Frank. Just LET GO. It doesn't mean you don't love your H, we all know that you do. You need to detach from this a bit. It is destroying you. You are all consumed by it. How can you be a good mother to your girls when you are all consumed by your R or lack of an R with your H? It is not fair to them. GAL, if anything just focus on your kids. I know they are very little but their minds are like sponges, they know more than we give them credit for. Obviously, &h^i from your childhood has formed you, do you want whatt you are doing to form your kids personalities, I would bet NOT. Stop obsessing over your H. If he calls, great. If he doesn't, oh well. The way that used to help me when my H stayed out all night was I thought of him as dead, I know it is a bit morbid, but it really helped. If he was dead, who would take out the garbage, ME of course. Try not to be so dependent on him. You will be ok. There will be pain if you reconcile and pain if you divorce,sorry the truth hurts. The choice here is yours.
I have not been *this* voice to you or many others here lately, but I will be for you tonight. I will be gentle and give you some credit because you are beating yourself up too much right now.
Quote: It's NOT all talk . . I did put it into action this weekend. . . . it can only get better.
I know you're trying and it IS all you can do. All we ask is that you breathe, watch TV, be a calm, good mother and understand that we are ALL here for YOU right now so do us the favor of being there for us. Be YOU for us.
There was a period of time where I had to go out each night to the bookstore or coffee shop just so I could NOT talk to W. If she called my cell I wouldn't answer. It hurt, but I had to do it. For me.
Well my H is on the way to Ohio. . . he called yesterday around 5 to tell me he had to go. THEN the car (that we just put $1500 into) BROKE DOWN. So . . . he ended up waiting at the operating center until he found someone going that way. Around 11:30 last night he called to let me he was going. So . . . I don't know when I'll hear from him again, his cell phone is only on a plan that works in a certain area so he won't be able to call me. It could be two weeks before I even talk to him again.
I guess the whole point of that story is just to let you know that from here out things are backed off because there is no other option!
It's a nasty rainy day . . and they always make me feel so sad! I hate depressing days. . . I'm having a hard enough time swallowing all my emotions about his current job and the way things went this past weekend. Now that I've had time to sit and think . . . I did A LOT of shoving him away and I really didn't do very well at my DBing. I honestly worked my tail off trying to bite my tongue and not think about it, but it was just THERE all weekend. It REALLY hurts because I just don't feel good enough for him. I don't feel pretty enough or thin enough, and I don't know how to change those feelings. I always felt that way about myself . . . but at least when he and I got together I thought I was good enough for him. I don't even think that the OW is pretty but I insist on constantly telling myself that she's better and that's why he was with her. I don't understand. . . what a blow to my VERY little self-esteem. These are things I am doing to myself and I just can't figure out how to stop my self destructive behaviour. I'll go look at that website shortly.
Actually Frank I cried quite a bit over this weekend. . . . especially the first night he was here. (Don't worry I waited until he was sleep). It felt so nice to have him with me . . . to have him hugging me, and I just miss him so much. I really cried for everything. I try to avoid sad movies because once I get my brain on that track it chugs out of control. Thanks again guys. I really hope I can fix this! I want to have my H in my life.
Quote: Let's say that you are married and that you have a fear of losing your spouse. The more you resist losing your spouse, the more you hang on, and the more you push your spouse away.
From that website. . . I like that site. I may have to read some now and some later though!
Ok Emily, this is now where you work your tail off. Head out to the bookstore or library. Get books on relationships, such as: Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, The Five Love Languages by Gary Chapman, How One of You can bring the Two of You Together by Susan Page, The Dance of Anger by Harriet Lerner just to name a few.....
It's crunch time sister!!! This is your opportunity to really work on yourself.
Quote: It REALLY hurts because I just don't feel good enough for him. I don't feel pretty enough or thin enough,
This attitude has got to stop, right now. You ARE good enough Emily. Besides pretty and thin are not everything, don't buy into that crap. Let your inner beauty shine thru. Be proud of who you are as a women and as a mother!
Quote: Actually Frank I cried quite a bit over this weekend
It's ok to cry, this is a very sad situation but then get up, wipe your tears move forward. Life is what you make of it. YOU have the power, we all do.
