I snooped WAY before he put the wedding band back on. Not that that makes it OK . . but I looked in his phone when he first got here.
He and I had a horrible night last night. He went for a walk and when he came back he said that he was leaving today because he wanted to go see his grandpa before he went out on the road for three weeks. SAME EXCUSE AS BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Well this morning was better . . . when he left (20 minutes ago or so) he didn't do it in a fight and he said that if he doesn't have a training instructor to go with today he'll come back here tonight.
I am sick of going in these circles with him though. I don't understand. I am so scared and upset . . . I mean I just keep thinking of when he left in May. I see a lot of similiarities . . . the only difference is this time he's said nothing about wanting to be over. I just can't believe him.
Of course I feel that he is going back down there to be with OW. He could have seen his mom and grandpa anytime over the past 2 weeks while he was training. He saw his mom quite a bit as a matter of fact. BUT . . .
the point is he left . . . and until he calls me later . . . I don't know exactly what is going on. I have to go feed the baby . . I'll be around later . . .
What does any of this matter? IF he is cheating still and ready to leave, well, then he's gonna leave and there isn't much you can do about it...except work on YOU, the same thing you will have to do AFTER he's gone.
Quote: He went for a walk and when he came back he said that he was leaving today because he wanted to go see his grandpa before he went out on the road for three weeks. SAME EXCUSE AS BEFORE!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Do you know that for sure? You sound pretty sure that this is an excuse of some sort. An excuse to do what? See OW? How about an excuse to get away from a manic W who keeps dwelling on the past that he feels SO guilty about and would do anything to erase? Is that POSSIBLE?
I'm NOT saying that's the case but you seem awfully sure that something else is going on. You need to stop thinking you know everything that's going on in his head and life. If you want him gone, keep on this path of constant paranoia and acting/speaking out because of your inability to center yourself and stop controlling him.
I say it again. IF he wants to leave you, he will leave you, it's that simple. No amount of "stuff" you know through snooping or anger you have towards him is going to stop that. What's going to stop that is for him to realize that he's made a HUGE mistake and that his marriage is what he wants, not anything else.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but he's said that's the case and also seems to be taking some actions to back that up, right? Yet, and this IS natural albeit unfortunate, you persist in assuming that every time he leaves the house he's banging some other woman or seeing a lawyer to file for divorce...two things that, BTW, you can't do a damn thing about so why worry so much about them.
Quote: Well this morning was better . . . when he left (20 minutes ago or so) he didn't do it in a fight and he said that if he doesn't have a training instructor to go with today he'll come back here tonight.
Again, I am not trying to prop him up here, but it seems like he's TRYING to do the right thing but it's probably pretty hard at this point, what with all his own guilt and that which you keep piling on. Let's just pretend, for a minute, that he is 100% sincere about his desire for things to work out with you. Do you see your constant "edge" as contributing to that outcome? How about if he is only 50% sure. Don't you see that in either case, this behavior from YOU, whether you feel entitled to it or not, is going to tip the scales AGAINST you?
Quote: I am sick of going in these circles with him though.
So stop. YOU seem to be the one starting the circle every time. Next time you go to open your mouth and you see the circle about to start again, SHUT YOUR MOUTH and see what happens. Does the circle continue or do you finally start to explore new territory?
Quote: I don't understand.
That's understandable. You are emotional and feel vulnerable. You have a baby to care for and you're young. Your H cheated on you and you don't know what's going to happen in the future. It's hard to understand what to do about all that...well, we're TRYING to tell you. Please let us help YOU help yourself.
Quote: I am so scared and upset . . . I mean I just keep thinking of when he left in May. I see a lot of similarities . . . the only difference is this time he's said nothing about wanting to be over.
Let me clue you into a little secret. My W's affair has supposedly been over for about 3 months now (I think...losing track of time) and I am 99% sure that it is. I STILL see things in our life that seem the same as when the affair was on...because THEY TRIED TO LIE TO US AND MAKE THEIR AFFAIR FIT INTO THEIR DAILY LIVES. My W used perfectly normal, everyday things like going shopping or to the movies with friends as cover for her affair. The gym, a HUGE part of her life, was where she met OM. You know what, she still goes to the gym every other day. Don't you think that I feel like every time she goes, she's f--king the OM? I sure as hell do, but then I realize that THAT'S MY PROBLEM because of course she's NOT f--king the OM everytime she goes to the gym. She's going to the gym for the same reasons she went the previous 2 years, to work out, and I KNOW that because I've been there with her since and she takes the kids all the time, two things that NEVER happened during the affair.
You see, my W IS trying to tell me something, and I am listening. Does that mean I trust her 100%? Fankly, no, I don't but I don't have to trust her right now. We are WORKING on that but to expect it to just be there, as a condition of our reconciliation is stupid on my part.
What I am trying to say to you is that there will ALWAYS be things that LOOK like things he did when he cheated but you have to understand that just because he takes a walk by himself, takes a little longer in the restaurant bathroom or is late coming home from work, it DOES NOT MEAN there is an OW again.
Quote: I just can't believe him.
Why do you need to believe him? For the third time, if he wants to leave, he will. Simple as that. It really doesn't matter whether you believe him or not. Do you need to believe him because you are still bent on relying on him for your own emotional stability and are afraid to give that responsibility back to him because he may be lying again and hurt you? If that's the case, then it's as simple as NOT making him responsible for your emotional well-being. Learn to take care of that on your own. Let HIM be there to HELP but not DO for you. Do you see the difference?
Quote: Of course I feel that he is going back down there to be with OW. He could have seen his mom and grandpa anytime over the past 2 weeks while he was training. He saw his mom quite a bit as a matter of fact. BUT . . .
A wise old poster here once told me something that to this day affects how I write my own stuff and read what other's post. He said that everything after a "but" makes whatever came before it irrelevant. That seems to be VERY true and if you look at your own thoughts with this in mind, you will notice how often you negate much of what you say with "but" statements.
SO, sure, you now notice that he saw his mom and that seemed to be SOME evidence that MAYBE he was not lying...but
Quote: the point is he left . . . and until he calls me later . . . I don't know exactly what is going on. I have to go feed the baby . . I'll be around later . .
Yes you do know EXACTLY what's going on. Your cheating H claims to be making an effort to come back to you, something that you are still conflicted about. You seem to think there should me more. What more could there be?
I think you need to feed your baby and then get back to working on you. I know that's hard to do right now, but it's all you have for sure, and certainly all you can count on. I think most of your problem stems from this overwhelming need you seem to have to put your eggs back in his basket instead of allowing the reconciliation process to move at it's own pace. You somehow want things to be fixed today and to be able to go back to feeling however you did before the affair, which, IMHO, is the same as wanting ignorance because things were NOT good before the affair and even if you thought they were, something had to give and now, if things DO work out, you have the chance to identify that which "gave" on his end and work together to fix that aspect of your R and nurture all the rest of it.
Quote: Do you know that for sure? You sound pretty sure that this is an excuse of some sort. An excuse to do what? See OW? How about an excuse to get away from a manic W who keeps dwelling on the past that he feels SO guilty about and would do anything to erase? Is that POSSIBLE?
I think that's probably exactly what is going on!
I ment that (IF) until he calls me later I won't know whether or not he just walked out of my life. I mean he felt A LOT of his stuff here (more than I've had since before the split) but it's nothing really important. He says and does things to make it easier or him to get out and then once he's out the door he RUNS. I hope he's not running now. I am honestly trying. . . it just hurts A LOT more than I thought it would. I don't mean to make him more guilty. . . . I just feel like crap about what happened and as much as I try to bite my tongue and hold it down . . . I guess it still comes across loud and clear.
He was still wearing his wedding band when the PA happened though . . so I guess it's NOT a huge deal that he put it back and took it with him. He probably takes it off when he gets halfway down there and puts it back on when he comes to visit.
He got all grumpy yesterday because of this training hold up and it all started to relate to the way I make him feel. IT"S NOT MY FAULT IT DIDN"T GO EXACT HOW IT WAS SUPPOSE TO. That frustraights me. BUT I tried to stay upbeat and make our day better. Then he said he wanted to go back down there today . .and I couldn't hold back anymore . . . so everything I had been holding back up with force. It was like emotional vomit!!!
Well after lastnight . . he and I made up and went to bed . . . snuggled and everything. Woke up this morning . . he was a little cranky but when he saw that I wasn't being like I was lastnight he was good. He said he had a good time this weekend and that everything with us can't just be perfect "roses and puppies" because that wouldn't be our style. He was firm that he wanted to keep going.
I understand there isn't anything I can do if he really wants to leave. That's his decision . . I kept saying that over and over yesterday, not sure why though. I just feel that I can steel myself . . . I don't want to feel this heartache for a third time. How many times am I really going to let him burn me . . . before I get smart and move away from the fire?!?!?!?!?
Well I guess we'll see what he says when he calls me . . . I'll be around more later.
THANKS FOR THE SOLID ADVICE GH . . I REALLY NEEDED IT! Keep it coming . . PLEASE!
Quote: He was still wearing his wedding band when the PA happened though . . so I guess it's NOT a huge deal that he put it back and took it with him. He probably takes it off when he gets halfway down there and puts it back on when he comes to visit.
I haven't posted because quite frankly, I don't quite trust myself to but THIS, I could not let slide.
If you want to see any kind of breakthrough in your relationship with your husband the first thing you need to learn is how to let your mouth work FOR you and not AGAINST you. You can speak negativity until it becomes a reality and you Emily, are well on your way to perpetuating your own misery.
Try for once to believe that not everything that comes out of your husbands mouth is a lie. Don't do it for him. Do it for yourself. Might you get hurt? Sure, you might. THAT is the risk. Take it or walk. But stop torturing yourself AND your husband.
At this point, YOU are just as much to blame for ANYTHING that happens from here and I don't mean because you aren't pretty enough, either. I mean because you don't have SENSE enough to change for the better and take control of this situation.
Thanks Amy . . . I wish I could shake some sense into myself!
He just called and said he talked to the lady that he has to call to find out what's going on and he has to go to Ohio to meet the guy that he's going to be going on the road with. This guy has to call him and let him know exactly where to go and when to get there. So . . . . it could be in a hour and it could still be a day or two before this guy actually hits the road. I asked if he was going to stay down there or if he was still going to come back here tonight if the guy doesn't call or has a few days. He said that if he could he would stop back through here.
I know it's his job and I don't know why I am being so stupid about all of this. I guess maybe it's because I feel like he is constantly putting his family before us. At this point though the girls don't know the difference so I guess I am being silly. It's just this is suppose to be his home . . this is where he said he'd spend all of his time off and he's already not being true to that. I am trying to change my thinking . . I know it's his job. But he could have stayed here today and left from here when he found out where he had to go . . . but he chose not to. He chose to go back down to that area and be with them. I guess we'll see what happens . . . Once again only time will tell . . . and in the mean time I'll drive myself up the wall (and probably take most of you with me) . . . and try to get my head straighten back out a little again.
Emily, you need to seriously take everyone's advice here and STOP! Your H, IMHO, is trying. We should all be so lucky. STOP pushing him away. Could it be the reason he wants to stay with his mom is it is easier than staying with you. Have you read DR? You need to "act as if" 24/7. If you are loving and nice one minute, then angry and mean the next your H is not going to believe that things can ever change. He know what he did was wrong. He is trying to change but you continue to make him feel bad about it. STOP!!! Get a grip on yourself, please!
I miss him already! I don't understand his reason for leaving today before he knew what was going. It makes me angry at myself that it probably was exactly what GH said about me driving him crazy and he just wanted to get away from it.
I really am trying . . . it's getting easier to deal with the affair everyday. I didn't bring it up AT ALL yesterday well until he said he was going back down there today (no matter what) . . then that emotional vomiting happened. I feel horrible.
I don't want to push him away. But before he came up he always called and wanted to talk. Now today when he called we talked for all of three minutes and he got off the phone. I didn't mean to screw it up. I honestly tried my hardest. You all know how hard it was at first to deal the feeling about the affair. I mean sure he brought it up in May but until 2.5 weeks ago he flip-flopped back and forth about whether it really happened or not. I don't think I'm doing too awful bad with it. I really did work my tail this weekend. I thought that for the most part it went well. . . sure it got rocky a few time . . but it went OK.
He hasn't said he wants out of our R and he said he'll come back (maybe not for three weeks . . until after this driving and testing phase is over) . . . and that's what I need to focus on. I need to focus on NOT pushing him any farther away . . . I am just unsure of where to start, after this weekend . . I feel like it should be different. I know that I need to try to continue to grow. . . that's tough. BUT I WILL TRY!
Thanks for all the good advice. Now you can kick me in the rear . . and help me get moving again.
I just wish I could figure out how to quiet my own mind! Know any good books about that?
There is a good book called the Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It is VERY esoteric and kinda "new-agey" but his philosophy is very eastern in the fact that he stresses not dwelling on the past OR the future as they are both constructs in our own mind, and as such, are NOT real.
Another one is the Little Book of Letting Go. That one is a bit more palatable and a much easier read. It's mainly about how to train yourself to let things go, to not dwell on them and let them control your life. I would actually suggest this one first.
And, of course, DB/DR also talk a lot about how to take your mind off things by detaching and GAL.
Thanks GH . . I'll add them to my "look for" list for when I finally get to the library!
Well . . . my H said if this training guy doesn't call him today he's suppose to call that lady back and find out what he's supposed to do then. He said he'll probably call her by 5 . . . so there is still a chance that he'll come back home tonight. Unless of course he either has to leave or comes up with a good excuse to stay down there.
I am too focus on this I know . . . but I can't seem to get my mind off of it. I can't seem to focus on anything that I try to do. Like I am trying to watch TV and my mind keeps wandering back to him. After this weekend I REALLY REALLY want things to work out. I mean sure it wasn't perfect but I REALLY do love him.
I just have to figure out how to get myself straighted out. It's very frustraighting to me that there's no easy fix to this problem. I do really feel that he is making or at least made an effort. I don't know why now just because he left I feel like nothing he's saying is true. His job takes him away . . that I can deal with . . . but he chose to leave early and that REALLY is bothering me, but I am still unsure as to why.
Ok Emily, here's the thing, and I am not really sure if this is the right thing to say to you right now but...
Quote: It's very frustraighting to me that there's no easy fix to this problem.
Actually, there IS a quick fix. You could just decide to take a leap of faith and trust him again, casting aside all your notions that he COULD stray again.
I am not saying you SHOULD do this, but your idea that there is no quick fix is wrong, it's just that the quick fix is something that you either can't or won't do right now so you are left with trying to participate in a PROCESS that asks you to start to let go of the past while you examine the present for happiness...within YOU.
Emily, you need to stop worrying about why you can't do this and realize, in an "ah ha" moment, that it really only takes WANTING to do it more than wanting to be sad/confused/angry/scared. I know you don't think you want to be those things, but I assure you that you do. I did. We all did for a certain time after the bombs fell. We felt entitled to it. It was our RIGHT damnit and nobody, on this site, or in our "real" lives was going to deny us that.
It isn't until we understand that a lot of the REAL things causing us pain have actually not been there for a long time and that we are continuing to live them every day out of this sense of entitlement, that we realize that WE DO control this. We DO control our emotions and we do it by simply wanting to feel differently more that we want to continue to feel bad.
I swear, it really can be that simple. Sure, the REAL work starts when you have the "ah ha" moment, but it's different kind of work because it's work that actually affects you in a positive way instead of keeping you stuck in the loop.
Try to understand that you need to WANT this before you can actually have it.
