Quote: I guess maybe it's more an issue because I just don't think I can ever be good enough.
What is your motivation for thinking this? Do you think this kind of self pity will cause your H (or us) to tell you that you ARE good enough? Will him telling you this make you believe it, or make it true? Or will you continue to dig around and find things to feel bad about in order to get this sort of response from your H?
If there is one thing you can walk away from this situation learning, learn that no one can tell you whether you are good enough or not. You need to know it, through your own very capable tools of self evaluation - and if you're not good enough (in the sense of skills, etc - because EVERYONE is good enough as a person), make yourself better. Taking personal responsibility for your life and happiness is the most important step to actually achieving it.
One thing I recognized very early in my sitch, and I think this is the realization in myself that allowed me to decide to personally heal, is that I was dwelling in my pain, actually causing it to be greater than it was. More important than this, though, was the reason that I was doing this. I realized that I was perpetuating my pain because I wanted someone, my W mainly, to make it all better, to take it away. Somewhere deep within me I believed that my pain deserved a reaction from someone. Why? Well, I think this is something that everyone feels to some degree or another - because as babies our pain or distress almost always got a response from a parent or caregiver.
I realized through this thought process that I was controlling my emotions - that I was emphasizing and prolonging my pain in order to get a response. Not that I was displaying it in a pathetic attempt to show my W just how bad I felt, but I was somehow sure that just FEELING that badly entitled me to be rescued. I was putting myself into the role of victim - actually building this role up myself, and creating all the proper feelings through my thoughts and actions. You know what? I realized that I was controlling the very thing I wanted my W to change! I was trying to make someone else responsible for my feelings, and my manipulative attempt at getting them to change my feelings was done by changing the way I felt. I had the skills to change how I felt, and I was using them. I just needed to take responsibility. I made the decision that I never wanted to acti in such an underhanded way again. Not only would I NEVER get what I wanted through this type of interaction, the burden I put on my W, or anyone else that I had a relationship with was totally unfair.
If you don't already see how this relates to what you said, let me try to explain a little further. This flaw lies so deeply within our relationships, and it seems like it's such a common thread between all our sitches - the fact that we put the responsibility for our happiness on our spouse/partner. In doing so, we set ourselves up to play the victim, to feel entitled, to need to be rescued, etc. We DON'T take responsibility for how we feel, for the direction our lives take. We take the responsibility for our personal choices and put it on our spouse. And yet we CHOOSE to find fault with our spouse, or attempt to have them change when they don't “make us” feel the way we think we are entitled to feel.
Forgive me if I’m being a little harsh here, I know the only way that this experience is going to be put to good use is if I grow from it, mature and give up silly notions that may have been a way of life for me as a child. I think you need to ask yourself a very basic, but important question: do you truly want to be happy? If so, then be responsible for this because YOU ARE NOT ENTITLED TO HAPPINESS. It is not a given, it will not be found in anything external. The ONLY way you are going to get there is if you start taking sole responsibility for it. This stuff is difficult, especially now that we’re all in the midst of a crisis. But if you don’t accept responsibility for yourself and your life (I’m NOT saying that you’re responsible for everything that happens in it) you will never REALIZE that happiness is always just a choice away.
You are really in a great position right now. Recognize that you have the choice to see so much GOOD right now. Choose to see the good. Everytime you choose to see the bad (you are afraid that you will see OW when you see H, etc) recognize that you CHOSE to see that, and you could have chosen to see something good in the experience (I will have the opportunity to appreciate my H - to love him). I know it's difficult to do this, to say the least. The pain is real and can be consuming. You do have power over it, however. You can choose to use it to keep you in this trap, or to liberate you and set you on a personal journey towards all the good in your life.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
I have to jump in here about that OW being physically between you thing you said, Emily. I'll tell you in advance this is harsh post.
Now, as for the OW being "physically between" you....that's a load of crap and you need to get a GRIP on that! Remember what I told you about her being LESS than the dirt on the bottom of your shoes? Yeah? Well, she is. You wouldn't toss your dirty shoes onto your bed would you? Or onto your kitchen table? No. You knock it off at the door. I want you to have done that before your husband gets home tonight.
If you keep on, you are going to become one of those women men laugh about in bars. The pitiful women that can't let anything go & constantly drag up the past because they aren't mature enough to see past the ways in which THEY were affected....
You HAVE GOT to understand that in your husbands case....and many other's too.....I doubt that his little fling had ANYTHING to do with you. It was all about HIM and all about SEX and it could have been ANYONE or a FREAKIN HOLE IN THE DAMN WALL. She didn't get into his heart, Emily. She got into his pants. That's why he's on the phone with YOU at night and coming to see YOU this weekend. CUT THE GUY A FRIGGIN BREAK. He's been wasting away in a classroom to get the training that will put him in a better job so he can take BETTER care of his family. THAT'S YOU. YOU have got to grow the hell up and be his SUPPORTER. That doesn't mean that you put up with him screwing around. You shouldn't ever do that and if he did it again he should find his crap packed & on the porch. It means if you will take the steps to broaden your vision and if you become like a sponge and learn all that you can about marriage and how to be a good wife, you can make that man NOT BE ABLE TO WAIT UNTIL HE GETS BACK IN OFF THE ROAD EVERY DAMN TIME HE LEAVES. I SWEAR to you it can be like that. But you HAVE to put in the grunt work first.
One more thing about OW....WHY THE HELL do you insist on giving that piece-of-crap-sorry-excuse-for-a-woman so much power over your life? HE IS NOT WITH HER, EMILY. HE IS TRYING TO GET BACK TOGETHER WITH YOU. She's history.
If you don't cut it loose, you will be too, because your husband is in no way emotionally equipped to have to prop you up when he barely has the tools to prop himself up.
You need to work on your stuff, on your own time. Not when he is visiting. And you know that means? It means you suck it the hell up and bite your tongue this weekend and take care of your husband. Don't you dare make this man put in another 40 hours trying to pacify YOU all weekend.
Emily, put in the time and effort. Be his port in the storm. THAT will make the biggest impact on your situation.
She's dirt on the bottom of your shoes. If you can't scrape it off, throw the damn things away.
You AND YOUR HUSBAND are moving on to bigger and better things from here.
One more thing Emily. Cut YOURSELF a break. His A was never about you. And no matter how "pretty" that hosebag Cassie might seem to you, I'm telling you, no one is as beautiful to a man as the mother of his children.
Quote: And no matter how "pretty" that hosebag Cassie might seem to you, I'm telling you, no one is as beautiful to a man as the mother of his children.
So true, and Emily, I'll quote it again just so you never forget this.
Quote: What is your motivation for thinking this? Do you think this kind of self pity will cause your H (or us) to tell you that you ARE good enough? Will him telling you this make you believe it, or make it true? Or will you continue to dig around and find things to feel bad about in order to get this sort of response from your H?
Not sure why I do it honestly. No I don't want him to tell me anything it doesn't prove anything. I do understand that no one but me can truly change the way I feel about myself. For one thing the way he values me has nothing to do with ME not feeling good enough . . . why would it. It's the way I feel about myself . . . it equates with low self-esteem. It's a real problem area for me obviously. It's something that I do plan to reall work on.
Quote:
If there is one thing you can walk away from this situation learning, learn that no one can tell you whether you are good enough or not. You need to know it, through your own very capable tools of self evaluation - and if you're not good enough (in the sense of skills, etc - because EVERYONE is good enough as a person), make yourself better. Taking personal responsibility for your life and happiness is the most important step to actually achieving it.
I think I already started to say this but as I was reading your post I agreed with pretty much everything you said and even found myself saying, "I know that." outloud. I understand that I am responsible for my own happiness. Once again it's one of those things that I really need to work on and plan too.
Quote: You are really in a great position right now. Recognize that you have the choice to see so much GOOD right now. Choose to see the good. Everytime you choose to see the bad (you are afraid that you will see OW when you see H, etc) recognize that you CHOSE to see that, and you could have chosen to see something good in the experience (I will have the opportunity to appreciate my H - to love him). I know it's difficult to do this, to say the least. The pain is real and can be consuming. You do have power over it, however. You can choose to use it to keep you in this trap, or to liberate you and set you on a personal journey towards all the good in your life.
I do understand that I am in far greater position than most that are here. Because he is still around. I am just having the problem choosing to see good I guess.
I would really rather just skip this weekend. It's too late now though. I wish I would have just asked him to NOT come home. I really don't feel ready to tackle all of this . . .
I do plan to DB this weekend and keep on my "happy face".
Let me just THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!! I'm glad you too took the time to be honest with me! God knows I need it!
Quote: For one thing the way he values me has nothing to do with ME not feeling good enough . . . why would it.
My thought was that you not feeling good enough had something to do with him valuing you - sort of a bid for his attention/love/affection, etc.
Quote: It's the way I feel about myself . . . it equates with low self-esteem.
Is this how you want to define yourself? You've given this a name, do you plan to allow it to stick around for ever?
Quote: It's a real problem area for me obviously. It's something that I do plan to reall work on.
The most profound way to start this "work" is by changing your language. Use positive language, especially in your internal dialogues. Think about your story, the way you would tell it if you wanted it to sound really bad, then the way you would tell it if you wanted it to make you look really good to someone. Go back and read your posts about your story here and see which version it's closer to. The language you use has a HUGE impact on your perspective. If you wanted someone to think you had a GREAT weekend ahead of you, without lying about circumstances, what would you say about it? Start forcing yourself to think about it that way. Focus on any and every positive there is to look forward to. There's always some good in every sitch.
Quote: I do understand that I am in far greater position than most that are here. Because he is still around. I am just having the problem choosing to see good I guess.
Nope, you're not having a problem choosing, you're just not doing it - do you see the distinction? Your choice of words proves just how willing you are to label yourself negatively - you're not having problems doing anything. You're wonderfully courageous to take on something as difficult as this. Choose to see the positive in the situation - recognize that you have this choice, that choice is all around you, and you will be one step closer to being in control of your fears.
Quote: I would really rather just skip this weekend. It's too late now though. I wish I would have just asked him to NOT come home. I really don't feel ready to tackle all of this . . .
Would you really prefer not to see your H this weekend, or would you rather not have to deal with the anxiety? Would you prefer to spend your life cowering in fear, or find a way to be excited about your life? I understand why you're scared - we all are. Allowing fear to motivate your thoughts and being will eat you alive. This is in your control. There's no time like the present. Go into this KNOWING that no matter what happens, you'll learn from it, you'll be a better person. Trust yourself to be better than you expect.
Quote: I do plan to DB this weekend and keep on my "happy face".
Great - practice that happy face from now until then, and beyond. Put some happy, positive, strong thoughts behind that happy face too!
Quote: Let me just THANK YOU VERY MUCH!!! I'm glad you too took the time to be honest with me! God knows I need it!
No, thank you for being so honest with us. Your honesty allowed me to articulate something that has truly helped me out today. I certainly appreciate your impact on my day.
You're not a broken person that needs fixing, you're a perfect form that has been overrun with polluted constructs that disguise your inner beauty. We all are. Trust that beauty to come out, and be right.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Quote: If you wanted someone to think you had a GREAT weekend ahead of you, without lying about circumstances, what would you say about it? Start forcing yourself to think about it that way. Focus on any and every positive there is to look forward to. There's always some good in every sitch.
WILL DO!!!
Quote: Would you really prefer not to see your H this weekend, or would you rather not have to deal with the anxiety?
A little bit of both maybe! I am still pretty angry at him over the whole thing . . . it will be hard to not punch him right in his kisser the first time I see him. BUT more of it is the anxiety I think, way to see the truth and point it out!!!
Quote: Allowing fear to motivate your thoughts and being will eat you alive. This is in your control. There's no time like the present. Go into this KNOWING that no matter what happens, you'll learn from it, you'll be a better person. Trust yourself to be better than you expect.
Once again . . . WILL DO!!! I've been practicing that happy face today. . . coming here and venting my fears helps! It also helps that you all kick me in my rear and tell me to get moving! THANKS!!!
Quote: You're not a broken person that needs fixing, you're a perfect form that has been overrun with polluted constructs that disguise your inner beauty. We all are. Trust that beauty to come out, and be right.
Thank you VERY much!
I'll stop back in again later . . here shortly I am going out . . just to my parents for a few hours . . . but hey a trip out of the house is a trip out of the house
Quote: A little bit of both maybe! I am still pretty angry at him over the whole thing . . . it will be hard to not punch him right in his kisser the first time I see him. BUT more of it is the anxiety I think, way to see the truth and point it out!!!
You know what I think? I think your discomfort about this weekend is entirely motivated by fear. You are afraid of your anger (I think your anger stems from fear as well). You know what the best way to disable your fear is? Appreciation. Appreciate your H while you're with him. Anytime you feel any negative emotion, pick something - anything - about him to appreciate, and then appreciate him/it in that moment.
Quote: coming here and venting my fears helps!
Are you sure you're not practicing your fears?
Quote: It also helps that you all kick me in my rear and tell me to get moving!
As twisted as it sounds, there's a certain security in misery. Sometimes it really takes a kick to motivate ourselves.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
Well my H should be here in 2 hours or so! Thanks again guys . . . I probably won't have time to post again until Monday! Wish me luck and most importantly . . . keep me in your prayers!
I do understand that no one but me can truly change the way I feel about myself.