Quote: If you were anyone else, posting at a different point in your sitch, i.e. early on, I would tell you that you are making this affair all about you and that's a mistake. The longer you think of it as something he did TO you instead of something he did in SPITE of you, the harder it will be to forgive him, or even to move on without forgiving him...
THAT'S EXACTLY IT!!! You hit the nail on the head. I feel like it was done to me.
I know that these feelings are things I am doing to myself. I don't like that!
Quote: That seems like it's mostly in YOUR head right now. Am I wrong?
No you're totally right. I honestly believe that he isn't seeing her anymore. I truly believe he ended their relationship. I also truly believe that he is starting to go through the motions (ACT as you said) of trying to put us back together. BUT . . . I cannot seem to let go of the PA . . . sure talking to him on the phone and acting like everything is fine is easy. That's REALLY simple for me. I don't have to think about the affair . . . because I don't have to look at him . . . there's not even an opportunity for a hug or kiss or cuddle moment to come up.
Quote: Why not? Because you're afraid he may hurt you again?
Sure that might be part of it. BUT more it has to do with physical closeness. I just feel like she's inbetween us. I am MORE worried about him comparing us in different ways. I am sooo uncomfortable with him already (like I said talking on the phone is easy) and he's not even here. I just keep thinking that maybe I'll never feel his touch again . . and maybe that wouldn't be so bad . . because then at least he couldn't compare us.
ONCE AGAIN . . . I know these thoughts are in my head. But I would rather be given a good hard shaking by RB than start lying to you all like I try to everyone else
I am trying to smile and relax. I am trying to work through some of these feelings tonight so that I don't make it tense. He's not worried. I told him I worried about things being tense. He told me not worry we'd be fine. . he loved me . . etc. So I didn't go into big detail with him about how I didn't want to get near him etc.
What keeps going through my head, "How could I ever be with him in a loving manner after he has been with someone else."
WRONG I KNOW . . . afterall the whole time the PA was going on he and I were still together. And frankly it makes me feel FILTHY!!!
Quote: If you were anyone else, posting at a different point in your sitch, i.e. early on, I would tell you that you are making this affair all about you and that's a mistake. The longer you think of it as something he did TO you instead of something he did in SPITE of you, the harder it will be to forgive him, or even to move on without forgiving him...
Emily, GH has said it very clearly. It was the same with my W, I was SURE I had FORCED her to have an affair. My counselor spent a lot of time helping me to understand that, even if our relationship had been perfect she still would have done something like this eventually. She did NOT know who SHE was and how SHE fit into a marriage, the world and life in general.
Counselor said this is NOT unusual for men or women who marry young and have a lot of unfinished 'growing up' to do or wounds to heal.
And it wasn't about OM either. WHO he was in her mind was a complete invention of what she imagined she wanted. Just like OW in your H's affair is just that also - a fantasy.
Quote: I know that these feelings are things I am doing to myself. I don't like that!
Soooooo STOP IT!
Quote: I cannot seem to let go of the PA . . . sure talking to him on the phone and acting like everything is fine is easy. That's REALLY simple for me. I don't have to think about the affair . . . because I don't have to look at him . . . there's not even an opportunity for a hug or kiss or cuddle moment to come up.
All you have to believe right now is that eventually, it will heal and you will feel better. When my W told me she wanted to try to repair the marriage I didn't want to sleep in the same bed with her right away. If you read my older threads, I thought she was a WHORE.
It has taken TIME. I still hurt, but we have been moving forward, making NEW memories. And I UNDERSTAND the WHY of it all.
Quote: I am MORE worried about him comparing us in different ways.
yeah yeah, with men it's "did he have a bigger xxxx?", "Was he a better lover?", whatever.
Never ask those questions and stop thinking them. As my counselor said to me "Well, whether he was or not, she's with YOU now isn't she? Not with him. He didn't have enough of what she really wanted to keep her interested, now did he? But YOU have it all"
Quote: I just keep thinking that maybe I'll never feel his touch again . . and maybe that wouldn't be so bad . . because then at least he couldn't compare us.
Geeze, get off this topic would you? If he's talking to you, thinking about you, trying to rebuild the relationship with you then he has ALREADY compared you with her and guess what - he thinks you're the better choice! Get a clue here would you?
Quote: ONCE AGAIN . . . I know these thoughts are in my head. But I would rather be given a good hard shaking by RB than start lying to you all like I try to everyone else
You can't lie to us. We know you too well....
Quote: He told me not worry we'd be fine. . he loved me . . etc. So I didn't go into big detail with him about how I didn't want to get near him etc.
And don't get into it. Make NEW memories. You cannot change what happened and dwelling on it, living in the past, does not serve you. So, what will you do that will be fun when you see him? PLEASE don't tell me 'sit around and talk about how much he hurt me / the OW, etc..'
Will you PROMISE me that you won't bring up anything negative AT ALL? If you THINK negative thoughts you'll excuse yourself and go to the bathroom or something, splash water on your face or do whatever to move your mind back to THE PRESENT?
Nobody wants to feel bad. He's coming to see you so he can feel GOOD. Take it when you can get it!
Know any good jokes? Like to go for a hike together with the kids? Favorite tv shows? What?
Quote: What keeps going through my head, "How could I ever be with him in a loving manner after he has been with someone else."
And your answer is? Well?
Here, let me help you. "I could be with him in a loving manner by appreciating who I am and who he is, and looking towards the future we will have together as parents and lovers". Does that help? Now YOU tell me your answer to the question.
Quote: after all the whole time the PA was going on he and I were still together. And frankly it makes me feel FILTHY!!!
Understood. I remember how bad I felt thinking I might 'catch something' from her after we started to be intimate again. I even asked her if I should be concerned - and told her how I never thought I would ever be asking my wife such a question. It hurt.
But It passes. It will pass faster if you let it go.
You also asked if you should end your relationship with H right now. Absolutely not. It is part of your life, and your childrens lives. He is open to working on his life, as are you. If you truly do the work for yourself, you'll also be setting a good example to him on how to deal with childhood issues. It can only bring you two closer. Then you'll be REALLY able to support him, and he you.
You're doing it! Keep it up!
Oh, what time zone or state are you in? Just curious.
Quote: Will you PROMISE me that you won't bring up anything negative AT ALL? If you THINK negative thoughts you'll excuse yourself and go to the bathroom or something, splash water on your face or do whatever to move your mind back to THE PRESENT?
CROSS MY HEART HOPE TO DIE!!!!!!!
Thanks Frank . . .
I was actually just coming here to say:
Well now that I have done my whining and gotten all that out. Sat around and felt scared and angry and worried about seeing my H. I realized that Amy is right in what she said to me about if I can't change the situation how can I change things.
I am just going to NOT think about how I will react to my H's presence in the household until he's here. Then I am going to keep up my DBing and NOT bring up the OW or how much he hurt me OR how worried I am about our R.
I'm not sure exactly what we'll do. We thought about trying to take in a movie (not sure that what we wanted to see is playing here this weekend though.) And he already agreed to take me to Wal-Mart (grocery shopping here I come . . LOL!)
Quote: Geeze, get off this topic would you? If he's talking to you, thinking about you, trying to rebuild the relationship with you then he has ALREADY compared you with her and guess what - he thinks you're the better choice! Get a clue here would you?
THANK YOU . . . I try to tell myself that ALL the time! But for some odd reason I won't listen until someone else says it for me!
Quote: And your answer is? Well?
Here, let me help you. "I could be with him in a loving manner by appreciating who I am and who he is, and looking towards the future we will have together as parents and lovers". Does that help? Now YOU tell me your answer to the question.
Still trying to figure this one out EXACTLY! Your answer was very good . . . I'll let you know once I have my own worked through!
Quote: Understood. I remember how bad I felt thinking I might 'catch something' from her after we started to be intimate again. I even asked her if I should be concerned - and told her how I never thought I would ever be asking my wife such a question. It hurt.
But It passes. It will pass faster if you let it go.
You got it! It's sort of a big issue for me because I am trying to pin-point birth control options (sorry if it seems to be TMI here) and I want to sort of include him in the process. BUT obviously regular birth controls (the shot/pill/patch/IUD) don't protect against STD's.
He doesn't have anything right now because when one of my test came back screwy (in May . . don't know if I ever brought it up here) he went out and got tested for STD. And obviously my DR. retested me . . . I am clean therefore he must be.
I feel awful that I can't trust that I won't get an STD from my own H . . . but I can't. So anyway. . . . . I'm glad that I'm not the only one who's felt this way. I thought maybe I was being cold hearted.
Quote: Then I am going to keep up my DBing and NOT bring up the OW or how much he hurt me OR how worried I am about our R.
Do NOT bring up the OW, she has nothing to do with you. Period. I am also pretty sure your H already knows how much he hurt you, therefore you do not need to rub his face in it. I am also fairly sure that he is worried about your R too. This is why, my friend, you must DB like nobodys business. This could be your one and only opportunity. If your H has any uncertainty about his decision to repair your M, do not add fuel to the fire.
It sounds like you're going to stick around here for a while with us other poor souls eh?
Welcome to the club.
Quote: I feel awful that I can't trust that I won't get an STD from my own H . . . but I can't.
So anyway. . . . .
I'm glad that I'm not the only one who's felt this way. I thought maybe I was being cold hearted.
Quote: It sounds like you're going to stick around here for a while with us other poor souls eh?
Yes! I most definately am!
I feel so nervous today . . . after all today is the day! He'll be here tonight! I'm just trying to focus on other things. I am a little excited . . .he'll get to see Kiya again and I do miss him Hopefully today will go by fast!
Nothing really new and exciting to post from my end of things!
My H however just called to tell me that he got a 100% on his final. So . . . next week he does his on the road training . . .takes the actual driving test and goes to work! He was VERY happy to have his classroom stuff over! He spends the rest of the day on paperwork and stuff. Then he'll come "home" until Sunday.
Still trying to steel myself for this weekend.
I feel like he picked my WEAKEST area. I am horrible with forgiveness. That's most of why I am here. That's why I am 21 and still carrying around hurt and anger about things that happened 21 years ago. I have come to terms with most of the adoption . . . I know for sure I would have had it A LOT worse had I not been adopted. Anyway. . . . I am really trying . . . It's just a hard lesson for me to learn.
Everyone else pretty much nailed the other stuff but I do have to add one little thing...
Quote: What keeps going through my head, "How could I ever be with him in a loving manner after he has been with someone else.
Again, I have NOT been with you from the beginning, nor have I read your sitch but I am going to assume that before you, he slept with someone else. Even if he didn't, just about every one of our wives and husbands here were "with" other people before we got with them. Somehow we manage to still have sex with them. This is no different. Really, once you get past the mental issues, and that's no small task, the "how do I be with him when he's been with her" part is just a matter of realizing that he was with one or more "hers" before he met you so his level of contamination is not much different now than it was before. Again, if he SAYS you are his first, then maybe things are a little different and you will have to understand that for many people who get married, the fact that they are not their spouses first and only sex partner in life is a given and it's a non-issue.
Please, go into the weekend with as much PMA as you can manage and try to stay positive. It's all about having fun right now and I think you can do that, no?
Well I had one boyfriend before him. And he had two or three highschool girlfriends as well. But we were each others "firsts" as far as ML goes.
I guess maybe it's more an issue because I just don't think I can ever be good enough. It's that whole . . it's my fault he had the PA thing rearing it's ugly head. I feel that I must not have been good enough . . . although my rational mind tells me that's not the case.
It'll be awhile before I can do anything with him because of this mentality (let out the 6 week week post partum wait.) . . .but I guess if he's serious about all this he'll wait. Otherwise he'll just run around more and wreck it all!
BUT . . . those are issues I'll worry about when I come to crossing that bridge.
Quote: Please, go into the weekend with as much PMA as you can manage and try to stay positive. It's all about having fun right now and I think you can do that, no?
I am sure gonna try my hardest!!! I'm working on putting on my happy face now. But like Frank said . . I think I might make frequent trips to the bathroom (LOL . . my H is gonna think I'm sick!!)
Quote: It's that whole . . it's my fault he had the PA thing rearing it's ugly head.
See, here again I have intentionally NOT read your history to try to give you a fresh perspective on what's happening NOW. The others that have been with you, and RB who put in the serious catch-up time have got you covered from the historical point of view.
From reading some of what Frank has posted to you, I assume there has been discussion of this in the past but I just want to make something clear, at least in my opinion. You ARE to blame in some way for what's wrong with your marriage but NOT for his actions. I think it's a HUGE step for each of us to begin to accept that we ARE part of the problem and then decide to be part of the solution instead.
You may very well have been "not good enough" in his mind but that's not your fault. What IS your fault is how you behave now that you know there were issues in your marriage.
Of course, I don't discount the age thing for a second. I believe that does have a large role to play here and a lot of what you are going through is a natural part of growth for people your age. That said, there is still no excuse for his actions, young or old.
I just think you have to accept that you BOTH have feelings about not being good enough and that the marriage has failed you in some way. You can have those feelings and not them paralyze you when it comes to going forward. It's not the old marriage you're concerned with now, it's the new one, built on the foundation of your newfound wisdom and knowledge of what YOU want.
I think it's safe to say that the only person you really need to be good enough for is you, and I know that's a really hard place for you to get. I think once you get there, start to realize that you ARE worth it, whatever "it" is and decide to go for it, you will be well on your way.
I love this change in attitude and think it will serve you well this weekend. Remember, it's all about fun and trying to have a good time. Leave all that old baggage behind, just this once.
And, if you keep insisting that OW is somehow physically between you I'm going to call the Ghostbusters on you!
