General rundown on my sitch H:22 Me:21 DD#1: 2 in August DD#2: 1 week old Married: April 12, 2003 Bombs: Dec 12, May 20
No D papers have been filed and we haven't talked about D lately.
My H and I have been living seperately since December when he kicked me out. He called and wanted back into the R in Jan. Things were GREAT or so I thought until May 20 when he told me he had been having a PA since Feb and he definately wanted a D. Well he called me June 11 and said that he wanted back into our marriage . . that he could never love anyone like he does me . . . that he was sorry etc.
Well he and I are "still together" although we are living seperately. He is now in training to get his CDL through Synder . . . and then he will drive for them for at least a year (he signed a contract etc.) He's already come out of the honeymoon phase . . . when he was here for the birth of our DD#2 . . I said some REALLY hurtful things to him and I think I almost screwed it all up.
ANYWAY . . . I have been doing a great job of being supportive and keeping my thoughts about the PA and the hurt and bitterness I feel to myself.
BUT . . . I am REALLY hurt and I am wondering how I move on. I am wondering how I trust that he really "broke it off" with her.
Oh . . real quick . . . he says she was just a "booty call" but that she may have thought they were more. Supposedly when he told her he wouldn't be seeing her anymore she raged on about him leading her on, and so on.
So . . I am wondering how to start the forgiveness process. I am wondering if I even should. Since you have all been through this . . . I was hoping you could help me.
I have gotten some great responses on my other thread .. and you can read more about my feelings. You can feel free to check out my other thread and post there or here!
This is relevant . . . I quoted this from myself from my other post! Just thought of this today! Looking for opinions
Quote: My negatives are about the PA . . . obviously what else do I think about
He has Lesley's (which is a cousin of Cassie (the OW)) phone number. OK that's fine . . . we've been friends with her since before Felina was even born. BUT . . . now that I am thinking about it. . . he had told me that Cassie and her mom lost their apartment and I know that Cassie sometimes used to stay with Lesley . . sooooooo I bet that's where she's staying . . OF COURSE HE WOULDN'T have Cassie's number in his phone. I'd be suspicious of that . . . but to have Lesley (who he told me had been looking for a "drinking buddy" and that's how he ended up with her number again). . . .
well I bet that's how he contacts the OW . . . I bet that's where he goes to see her. I bet it's really not over at all.
I wish I could ask him about all this. . . but of course that's against the rules and it would only make him mad . . . probably because it's the truth.
I just want to be able to be totally honest and open with him . . . I want to be able to tell him what I am thinking and have him reassure me that that's not the case at all. I just wish that I could at least have that.
Hi Emily, and welcome to our side of the board. You've been posting a lot on your other thread.
First of all, I'm very sorry for what you are going through. Here, just about everyone is in a similar place.
Quote: I just keep wondering what I did to drive him away from me and into her arms.
Is that really the question? Their must be issues that you can identify in your R that you feel contributed to the emotional distance between you that allowed the A to happen. You can, of course, go to joint or individual counseling if you really want to start figuring this out.
I apologize if you addressed this in an earlier post, but what is his family situation? Are his parents divorced or in a bad M? What previous R's did he have before you? I do think understanding "why?" is important.
Obviously, your biggest problem is detachment. Here's a good detachment exercise: don't answer the phone the next time he calls. Be too busy doing something fun. Get back to him a couple of hours later laughing, or just wait for him to call again.
More questions for you: do you think your H still considers you attractive? Did you ML much when you were pregnant? I'm asking because your H has basically said that the A was about sex.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: I apologize if you addressed this in an earlier post, but what is his family situation? Are his parents divorced or in a bad M? What previous R's did he have before you? I do think understanding "why?" is important
His parents are married but his father doesn't show love in any normal way. And his parents frequently go through "divorce cycles". Where his father tells his mother he wants a D (although he never really acts on it). It's not a totally happy marriage. It's very disfunctional.
He didn't really have many serious relationships before me. A couple different highschool girlfriends. He and I got together his senior (my junior) year in highschool. We were each others first lovers if you will !
Quote: More questions for you: do you think your H still considers you attractive? Did you ML much when you were pregnant? I'm asking because your H has basically said that the A was about sex.
Yes he tells me all the time he thinks I'm beautiful. When I mentioned that he must think I'm ugly to be with her. He said NOT at all he even said he didn't find her attractive and didn't really know why he "chose her". YES . . .we ML as much as we could (since he was up to visit every other week for 2 or 3 days that's the only time we got together). My sex drive throughout this last pregnancy stayed VERY high.
THANKS for the advice and for responding. . . feel free to ask ANY question I will gladly answer!
I'm having a better day today . . . my PMA is back!
I feel much better about myself!
Since I have two posts going . . . (I thought you guys could offer some good advice since you have all been through a PA) . . . I'm just going to quote myself from my other post.
Quote: GOOD NEWS:
He called me at 10 or 10:30 . . . he was on a break from training and just thought he'd call and chat. Well we chatted for about 20 minutes! It was VERY pleaasant. I asked him if I after I got my license next month if I could use the car while was out on the road . . . I told him I knew I'd have to drive down and pick him up when he came "home" for his 2 days off. He said that would fine . . but he'd like to trade the car in or at least go get another car "for me". He said that way I could have something I'd be a little more comfortable driving. Besides he said that the car still had some problems and he didn't want it dumping out on me.
HE IS STILL PLANNING FOR "US" . . . . I know . . . I am trying not to get too excited. I am not straying from the plans I am trying to make for myself. It's just nice that he is thinking forward in terms of us. I like that
Other than that he told me more about his schooling and what they would be doing for the rest of the week. They are done with this phase of training on Friday. So he may come "home" Friday night and leave Sunday. Otherwise he will get up Saturday morning and come home and leave sometime on Sunday. So . . . it won't be a very long visit. At least he'll get to see Kiya again . . .and his new 20 lbs lighter wife! I weighed myself yesterday and total weightloss is at 20lbs. I'd really like to lose another 10 or 15. . . . but hey as long as I don't gain it back I'll be happy where I am at !!!!
I've been working at thought-stopping. . . . it'll help BUT there has to be a way to truly let go of the affair because you can't thought-stop for the rest of your life can you?
Quote: Well I cleaned up my house a little this afternoon . . it's amazing how many toys and crackers get stuffed under the couch!!!
My PMA is slipping but only a little . . . and I have been doing some productive thought-stopping. I worry too much anyway. It's just the same old thoughts resurfacing. You know the ones
If he loved me than why would he sleep with her? (You've answered that one!!) It's not about me it's about HIM . . . I am not the problem therefore I am not the answer!!
then I always wonder if he ever thought of her while he was with me. I wonder if silently in his head he was comparing us for all those months. That really bothers me. I asked him this and he says no but he use to think of me while he was with her.
I just keep shoving those thoughts out of my head and telling myself that my marriage and my children deserve for me try to work through this even if he doesn't.
I may be doing these things for reason that aren't quite right right now . . . but in the long run they will be for me. I will be a better person because of this . . . even if he and I don't stay together.
Would it be alright for me to ask him to read the DBing book?!?!?!?!?!? I mean I can ask and he can say no right? What do you think
OK, Emily, I've now gone back and read all of your past threads, all the way back to December, including everything in Newcomers and also the ones you started in Separated and in Piecing. I have spent many hours now reading and studying your sitch. I never do this. In fact, I don't normally have the time to even read new threads anymore. I used to read every post in this forum, but lately I've barely been able to get up with some of the "regulars" here, like GH, NM, PL, MB, and SS.
I don't know what about you struck me, but I really want to help you and you are crying out for help. I have a lot of comments and advice. It will take me several posts to do this, but I will try to do it all today because my life gets very busy again tomorrow.
Some of what I write is going to appear very harsh at first glance. I'm not going to tell you what you want to hear. I'm going to take you at your word that you want "help" (since you have titled all of your threads in Newcomers with that as your plea) and not just sympathy.
I think you have gotten a lot of great advice already from bj and AmyC (and recently from Frank_D), but a lot of it has gone unheeded. I wonder, therefore, how much of this you will listen to, but I'm going to try. You obviously don't have to take any of this advice, and I might be wrong about some things, but I know that I'm right on most of it.
Since a lot of this will be negative, I want to put some real positives up front.
1. GAL
I was absolutely screaming inside when I read things like this earlier in your sitch:
Quote: The GAL is slow coming. . . I've given myself projects around the house (I.E. Clean the garage that I let EXPLODE with junk.) and I made myself a list of C.D.s that I've lost or that I'd like to have and have started downloading music. I also made two dates with my girl friends for the week after he leaves.
Quote: [goals] GAL step sort of) Buy eyeliner in fun shades and use them!
2. (another sort of GAL) Paint nails before baby comes, have Kerry help
Cleaning your garage does not count as GAL in my book. Buying eyeliner and painting nails ... no. GAL means examining your life and making fundamental changes. It is to your great credit that you are doing this. You have started a program to get a real career for yourself in vet tech, and you are getting your driver's license.
I think that both of those are critical steps that will really pay off for you in the long run, as you are just starting to develop the independence you need.
It may not be entirely by choice, but you are taking some responsibilty for your life and beginning to believe that your life is something that you control, rather than something that happens to you. You have a long ways to go here, in my opinion, but you have made tremendous progress since December.
2. Relationships
Emily, I want you to take a hard look at your relationships in general (not just with your H), and the way that you view them. Let's start with your in-laws:
Quote: I do have a question and BJ may be able to answer this one being as her in laws were like my in laws . . how do you not stay bitter at them? I am so livid with his mother . . . I just, can't even imagine having to ever see her again let alone try and be part of her family. I hate that women more than words can express and I'm scared to death of my H's father being as he's almost always drunk and has such a bad temper. I really want to be with my H but I don't know if I'll ever be able to tolerate his family again . . . what do you/I do to get over this feeling?
Quote: Yeah his Mom use to love me . . said I was like a daughter to her etc. I loved her right back like a mother even though I disagreed with a lot of the things she did (never out loud or in attitude mind you). Then one day out of the blue . . she hated me she said I was condisending and had a bad attitude. This was after the info about my H's EA and my current pregnancy came out mind you.
(concerning MIL)
Quote: I get so angry when he talks about her I just want to scream or hang up on him, I can't even explain it. I don't even want to talk to him if she's around. I know she's been talking me down to him again too . . even though he won't admit it because I think he's starting to waver on his sureness of wanting to come back. Maybe it's just me though . . I'm trying not to read too much into it. He brought her up in our convo tonight and I got mad and he said, "I guess that's just not a good subject to bring up is it?" I said No and he said, "You just need to calm down about her." I told him I wouldn't and right now if he wanted to stay married to me it was something he'd have to deal with (me not wanting to hear about her or see her or having ANYTHING to do with her that is). He just said, "OK"
Needless to say, I don't believe that your MIL just flipped from loving you to hating you for absolutely no reason. She did not pull it out of thin air, and you must know what it is. I don't know why you chose not to tell it, but I do know that you made the decision to NOT REPAIR the relationship, and decided to avoid her and hate her instead. You state that you disagreed with a lot of stuff that she did, but that you kept it to yourself ... I don't think so. I think you expressed it (perhaps unconsciously) in the condescending attitude that your MIL noticed.
Quote: (about roommate)She turned EVERY light in the house on at 5:30 this morning and woke up my daughter . . . and I just really want her to leave. I just don't want her to be mad at me . . . I have real issues with that. Am I being stupid, or should I try and get the courage to ask her to leave?
Quote: (about roommate's boyfriend)Well I don't feel like I can say anything about the situation and so I just tell my H about it (he hates the guy anyway) . . but tonight he got mad at me and told me to go take it out on them instead of crying and bitching to him about it. It hurt because I don't feel like I can say anything about it . . I just try to stay out of the room when he's here . . as much as I can when my daughter is asleep. I feel trapped in my own house and it's a major source of stress for me right now. I just wanted someone to be on my side about it (my H has always done all of the standing up for me since we met . . because I don't stand up for myself) and I wanted it to be him. What on Earth do I do . . . IT'S STARTING TO WRECK MY NEWFOUND R WITH MY H!!!!!!!
Why can't you stand up for yourself? You want people to like you, so you try to supress anger, and it ends up coming out in an explosion or in passive aggressiveness. I have some sympathy for you here because I've had the same problem. However, you MUST change to start RESOLVING issues, instead of taking the easy way out and having them come back to bite you later. You can't be afraid to lose someone's approval or having them stop liking you. This is a difficult skill to master (as I am learning right now), but if you head things off early, you won't get very angry and you can express that early anger appropriately.
Additionally, the dumping of your problems on your H is a real issue that has damaged your R with your H throughout your M. Let's look at that some more:
Quote: I wonder exactly what I would do if he wasn't in my life right now. These are all things some one else could do but who? No one else is even remotely willing to help me out, I guess I feel stuck with him.
Do you think that he might sense that you sometimes want him only because there is no one else to help you with your problems?
Quote: (from list of problems with marriage) 10. We could talk about the important things (money, etc) without a fight. (I need to learn to let go and let him handle the "manly" things. 11. He felt that I wasn't enough my own person and that I stopped thinking for myself and started going with whatever he said (I did this I think to avoid fights but since we split have already stopped doing it.) 12. We let fights get out of hand to often and too fast (We really need to learn to take a time out and walk away . . . basically I need to let him walk away when he needs too instead of making him stay and yell it out with me)
So you already know that this is a problem, but the question is: what are you doing about it? Most women enjoy talking through their problems, but listening to them drives most men batty. You need (long term) to learn to dump those issues on a girlfriend instead of your H. He clearly has enough problems of his own without having to deal with all of yours.
I'm glad you have stopped going along with whatever he said, but would that change if you and he got back together? In several posts, you indicated that you reverted to old patterns when the two of you got together.
Let's consider your R with your parents:
Quote: I don't want my D19 months to live with my parents (as we are currently staying in their house while they are in FL) because they spoil her rotten and take over parenting her as if I'm not capable. I want to feel like I have some control.
Quote: My mother wears the pants in their relationship . . always has! That's why he did nothing to stop her from kicking me out at 17 and 18. It has me totally frustraighted at this point . . . and there's really nothing I can do . .except keep my daughter away from them as much as possible while still living here.
We cannot help but be like our parents in many ways, and you cannot help being like your mother, as you were "trained" that way, as it were. Do you see, though, how your mother's controlling her M has caused you to try to do the same thing in yours, with disastrous results? You have nagged and constantly tried to "control" your H, with the end result that he decided to escape that control, first by going out more and more with his friends, and then ultimately by cheating and leaving the R.
You also take that same attitude back to your R with your mom. Why would you possibly try to keep your D from your mom? Grandparents are supposed to spoil their grandkids, and kids learn that there are different rules, and this doesn't hurt them. The simple fact is that you were trying to use your D to control the relationship with your mom. This is passive-aggressiveness at its worst. As I have already stated, you MUST learn to express your feelings appropriately and resolve issues with others.
Quote: Why is it that no matter how good a parents or siblings intentions may be does it always come across as negative or as a lecture. I hate talking to my family because I feel like I am constantly under attack . . always have. Then they wonder why I hide things from them or tell them half truths . . which eventually they find out about and then are really crabby <--YEARS LATER. Not that that has anything to do with anything right now.
Same issue: stop hiding things and telling half-truths -- PERIOD. Start expressing your feelings.
Quote: I really want to discuss the topic with them . . of letting me handle my own problems. But I'm worried that it will only make my mother mad and hurt. She'll probably just say that she's right and I'll learn eventually ... I've never really had the spine to stand up to my parents and the few times I tried it ended in disaster.
STOP worrying about your mother's approval! You are a woman now, not a little girl.
Emily, I'm going to close this post by saying that you cannot expect to have a good marriage relationship right now, because you don't currently have the necessary interpersonal skills. How can you expect to have a good marriage when you can't have a good R with your parents, his parents, your roommate, your roommate's boyfriend, etc., etc., etc.? This is THE fundamental issue that will completely change your life if you can fix it. I know that there are other books that might even be better, but you might start with When Anger Hits Home, which is good for learning how to express your feelings honestly and understanding how your family background influences how you express yourself -- it helped me.
A lot of your problem in this area stems from your basic insecurity and emotional neediness, which I'll discuss in my next post. I'll also try to get to your faith, forgiveness, and eventually, your H and his issues.
You can radically change your life, Emily. I'm going to be praying that you can do just that.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Quote: He called this morning and we spent 30 minutes fighting. Because I don't know how to stand up for myself so I actually take it over onto him. I actually (without realizing it) tried to start a fight with him today just to get some of my anger out.
Quote: Anger sets me free . . . when I get mad enough at him to want him stripped of every good thing he has ever felt . . .
Anger does NOT set you free. It only feels that way because you normally keep it so tightly under control that it's such a release to let it out. If you let it out naturally in an appropriate way, you won't have to blow your top to feel good about yourself. It's because you do this:
Quote: I've bent over backwards to keep him happy (I cancelled the child support I've taken less money than is enough from him . . . I hold my tongue and take what I think is verbal abuse.)
3. Emotional Insecurity and Neediness
Quote: The hardest most awful part is how much I need him.
Quote: I may find help in the book about this, but I was just thinking and my H and I still say ILY back and forth (he restarted it.) I enjoy hearing it and it makes me feel good. Part of the problem that we had in our relationship was that he felt I said it TOO MUCH and I thought he said it TOO LITTLE. He feels that if he says it once or twice I should just know that he loves me and he'll tell me if things change. But I feel that it can't hurt anything for it to get said once a day <--Like when he's leaving for work I like a hug/kiss/ILY. Am I wrong??
Quote: I don't want him to hate me . . . that more than anything . . . I want him to at least remember some of our goodtimes . . . not just go through the rest of his life saying that I am a psycho biatch!
Quote: I just keep wondering what I did to drive him away from me and into her arms.
Quote: why is that when he wants to come back . . . I remorph . . COMPLETELY 360 and end up a sniveling shaking little can't do it by myself again.
I think you have partially answered your own question. It's a vicious cycle. Your insecurity is unattractive, and then your neediness pushes him away, which makes you need him even more. Sniveling is not sexy.
Quote: Why ladies do I feel like I need this creature (he's certainly not a man) to validate me. Why is it that I think he'll fix everything?
Emily, your posts are dominated by an obsession of whether or not your H said ILY that day ... and how he said it ... and if it sounded like he really meant it. You have to develop the self-worth so that you don't find your esteem in being liked by others. You ARE a wonderful and valuable person, and that does not depend on whether or not your H tells you ILY!!!!
Quote: He did say I love you once or twice (once because I asked him to say it one more time.)
When I asked him why he kept saying ILY and such he told me it was because it kept me happy.
Quote: Now he just says I can't make him feel something he doesn't, which I understand . . . but I don't understand how one day you can say ILY and the next day say you haven't felt it in a long time.
Look at how you answered your own question earlier in your sitch. Your neediness has meant that your H resorted to a formula ... which in turn made you feel that he didn't mean it, which only made you doubt his love even more!
Think about how you have used this forum. Part of the reason you come here is that you need the validation that you are a good person. You consistently cry for that and you have now posted in 4 different forums (Newcomers, Piecing, Separated, and Infidelity) to get that. This leads into:
4. Faith
Emily, the only one who is ever going to love you completely and perfectly is Jesus Christ. The Bible says that His love is sufficient. He loves you unconditionally and totally. He thought enough of you to give his life for you.
Start depending on Him. Start casting all your cares on Him. Pray out your frustrations and hurts ... He'll listen, and He cares. You are His child. If you trust Him, the Bible tells us that you can do all things through Him. The Bible tells you to be strong and courageous.
Don't try to make your earthly relationships a substitute for your relationship with Christ. Start casting your cares on Him, and start believing that you are loved and cherished. This leads to:
5. Forgiveness
Quote: I need a good lesson in forgiveness. I hold too much stuff for too long anyway. . . . I HAVE TO LET GO OF THIS OR IT WILL RUIN US. I honestly have to change myself so that I can forgive or I will run us right down in flames.
Where does forgiveness start?
Forgiveness starts with compassion and caring. You have to learn to truly love others, even when they are not loving to you. Jesus told us to love our enemies. Let's look at some things you posted:
Quote: (goal)2. HONESTLY think of Cassie as DIRT . . . If he does want her I can't stop him (but you can go through this heartache with him or without him . . which is better? WITH) Keep telling myself that him sleeping with her doesn't make me good enough to be loved. **I have a HUGE problem actually seeing myself doing this one . . . any tips on letting go of a PA???? I am scared that I'll store it in my heart for ever and it will rot and poison my every thought of him . . . it is already starting too!!
Quote: It's like I told him though . . . if it would have just been some chick I think it would have been easier. Her I know and have known. . . her I HATE.
You've actually made it your goal to do the exact opposite of what you should do.
You are very concerned with forgiving your H so that you can have a normal R with him. That's important, but I'm just as concerned with your abiltiy to forgive the OW, your MIL, your parents for the way you were raised, etc.
Quote: I HATE that he is still all buddy buddy with his mother.
Controlling, because you feel that his love for his mother might make him love you less, but again expressing the unforgiveness you feel.
Try loving your MIL. Try loving your SIL (whom you call a "psycho"). Try loving your parents unconditionally.
Finally, try to make a decisionn whether or not you want a good marriage or if you want your H to suffer, because that's really what it comes down to, and I can't tell from reading your posts which is more important to you.
Jesus said that unless you forgive others their sins, He won't forgive yours. Tough ... but essential.
The biggest key to this is escaping the victim mentality. Everything I read from you is avoiding responsibility for your own life. Take this:
Quote: When I married him I sold my future . . it seems. now I have two kids no formal education . . and H that would rather live with his mommy and hang out with his friends . . and be a weekend father. It pi$$es me off that it comes across as me being needy because I gave him my whole life and did the things he wanted . . and now that's he's "knocked" me up twice . . I expect him to be here being a MAN . . a god d@mned MAN . . . that's all I want . . . but I'm being needy . . because I'm 7 months pregnant . . with a 19 month old . . and I expect him to support me a little. I thought he'd always be there . . he promised . . and now what? He's child living with his mommy and running around like he's 17 . . . and I let him make me feel bad because I stole his life . . . he had no future. I graduated with the 93% GPA . . I could have went to college . . I could have a life . . but I don't and why? BECAUSE HE'S A PITIFUL EXCUSE FOR A MAN. and I had to the one to think I could make him better and I thought we could have a good life.
I'm going to start with the fact that you see yourself as superior to your H and married him to change him and "make him better" .... BAD, BAD idea. You need to start by loving him the way he is and stop trying to change him.
Quote: His family is nothing but liars and crazy people, I was his shot at a normal healthy life. He is such a great guy when you pull him away from them.
Again, YOU were going to save him from his family and he couldn't have a normal life without you. How presumptuous! For you to have any chance at a good marriage, you are going to have to respect him and his ability to make choices.
I'll get to your H in my next and final post.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
Emily, your H clearly has some major issues. Let's look at some of them:
Quote: His parents NEVER stay in one place for more than 6 months, they're like nomads.
Quote: We were staying with them another time and long story short his parents are drunks (they have to get drunk everynight) and one night while they were drunk my H's father (who has a REALLY bad temper) picked a fight with my H and wanted to fist fight with him, told my H he was a piece of [censored] and a pussy, etc etc etc. Told him he'd never amount to anything and told him to get the F out of his house. So my H and I packed up and moved into an apartment above my grandparents. Anyway . . the day he kicked me out he said, "I should have never listened to you and left my parents house the last time (meaning the time mentioned above)."
Quote: she makes me so livid. His parents love their kids one minute and hate them the next . . . we (he and I) went about 6 months with them calling him a worthless piece of $hit . . that's right his own mother and father …She's a liar and she's fake and he knows it . . he'll tell you it . . but then when she's all sugar to him he forgets.
Your H's parents have never given him the loving, stable home that he needs. The fact that they raised him as nomads is going to make it difficult for him to stay put, as you already see. He clearly suffers from a lack of self-esteem.
Quote: I'm still worried about him spending so much time with his parents and I'm really worried about his drinking . . . is there any way for me to approach this without it seeming like I'm trying to run his life again???
Note that you recognize that he feels that you have tried to control his life.
Your H has sought to fill his lack of self-esteem through other relationships.
Quote: My H has always been a flirt.
He needs the admiration of other women to feel special and valued. That is why he had the EA and now the latest OW, who appears to be mostly about sex (sexual addiction is often tied to a lack of self-esteem ... not that he necessarily has an addiction). Let's also read what he wrote:
Quote: [H writes] In this chess game I call my life there has only ever been one person I can say I honestly love....and it is sad to say that I have done nothing but push her away lately. I dont know why, but I do know I dont do it on purpous. I have what some might call a complex, I dont like to let people get to close to me. "Show no love, love will get you killed." Possibly one of the most meaningfull quotes in movie history as far as Im concerned. Ive been this way as long as can remember no one is allowed in, Ive allways felt that if people get to close its just a matter of time before they use something against you....no one can be trusted with everything not even me Im sure, but I do my best … I personally think that there may never be any one that I can be with....that I feel like I can trust no matter what.
Because his parents never gave him unconditional love and constantly put him down, he is afraid of intimacy and runs from it. You don't help matters when you imply that you're better than him and you gave up your life for him and he isn't worthy of you.
Quote: He has a few good friends down there and always has stories about them. He talks about women that hit on him and how his friend (Zach) tells them off before he can even say anything most times. I think it's suppose to be funny and make me laugh . . and make me feel good but it doesn't it makes me worried about him cheating on me. I mean how should I know what he does down there!?!
Notice how he is using his insecurity to make himself feel better. Rubbing in your face the women who are attracted to him is something that he does to make you jealous and "see" what a catch he is, because he senses the way you have looked down on him and disparaged him, and because you married him with the intent to change him, because he wasn't good enough for you the way he was.
Quote: I didn't go to college because he already got us 30,000 into debt that we are not able to pay off
I'd like to know more about this, but it clearly shows someone unready for the responsibiltiy of adulthood.
Quote: With the other girls there's been in the past and all the lies he's told . . I don't know if I'll ever trust him again and I don't know if a R without trust can work. I don't think so . . and if I keep throwing it back in his face it definately won't work! I don't know what to do . . I just keep thinking about all the lies he's told and I never know what's the truth and what's a lie.
If I understand you correctly, he told a lot of lies before the A started. If so, then you can't blame the lying on the A.
Quote: I don't think he does love himself. I think he HATES himself and covers it up with a big ego and a bad attitude. His parents aren't great at showing compassion and certainly not love. . . . I don't know if anyone has loved him the way he "deserved" to be loved. I tried.
No, you only loved the person you wanted him to be. You nagged and looked down on him and told him in a hundred different ways that he wasn't good enough, his family was trash, etc. That isn't unconditional love.
Emily, you honestly need to ask yourself whether you want to be married to your H. I don't want you to reflexively answer that you do. If you do, it can't just be because you need someone to take care of you and your kids. Give it some serious consideration, because he is nowhere near ready to give you the kind of marriage that you want, and I don't think he will for a long time. In the meantime, if you do decide that you want a M with him, you're going to have to let him figure things out for himself instead of trying to change him. That's going to be very hard for him -- and for you.
Quote: When I talk to him I just try to tell him that even if he doesn't hear it where he's at "we" (Emily-2 told me to tell him she was proud of him) are proud of him and we think he's amazing and worthwhile. I just try to pay him compliments to bring up his morale.
I think this is very good and you need to continue it, whether you decide to stay married to him or not.
The LORD is near to all who call on him, to all who call on him in truth." (Psalm 145:18)
RBinBR, I completely agree with the majority of your analysis and I think you did a pretty complete job of digging into Emily's real situation.
I waa also starting to see the same patterns in the relationships, many of which I have SEEN IN MY RELATIONSHIPS. Thanks for articulating it as well as you did.
Emily, A lot of what has been said is not meant to be hurtful - it's meant to help you to look into YOU and see how to make EMILY's life work. I would strongly suggest you re-read RB's posts and REALLY think about what is going on in your life, and in your husbands life.
Then, ask questions. You've got RB, me, AmyC and severla others who are HERE FOR YOU. We don't judge you, we tell you the truth in as loving a way as possible. And, you can't hurt our feelings nor can you ever make us hate you.
You're pretty safe here. And you're not alone.
There are some things I want to add to RB's posts a little later because he makes some excellent points, and a lot of them are relevant to MY life too so I can relate to how they must be affecting YOUR life.
We care. You are so blessed to have found this place, just like we have been blessed to find you. Together we will all grow from the experience.
!