Nestled in America's Finest City, why burden yourself with Bummer Thoughts?
In four more years, I'll be 50, too, with the help of God. At least on the outside. Thirty was no big deal. Forty was even less impressive. A lot can happen in four years, but I have never heard of 50 as a "Big Deal" for a guy. That was supposed to be "The Big Three-Oh," a là "Don't trust anyone over 30" and so on.
Besides, it's not like you'll be approaching his fiftieth as you did his fortieth. You're stronger and wiser, and a lot can happen in four years.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
You're right, Joe, how can I not be happy in a beautiful place like San Diego???
I do think I'm right, however, about the likelihood of H going off the deep end when he's 50. I will definitely try to be all I can be, but I think the risk factors for him are internal, not external. So...the conundrum is...how do you "MLC-proof" a spouse, or at least, how do you steer them towards a Corvette as a manifestation of it???
Quote: about the likelihood of H going off the deep end when he's 50.
I have an H that is living proof, he was 49 when IT all started, at least that I noticed. He made ocassional comments about getting older, people joked with him about it, and on midnight of the day he turned 50 he definitely acted about the weirdest he ever did so I really have to attribute to the mark of the age.
You could try a corvette, maybe his and hers matching?
Live your life while you are still living. Riding the trail less traveled.
It's strange to hear this from you. You know how much control you have over any other person. You know better than to borrow trouble, too. This must really have you worried.
How about starting now on trying to keep speaking his LL and "angle" your speech to make it recognition of all the good in your lives? I don't recall if H is a WOA kinda guy, but since that's the easiest one for my example purposes , I'll use it. Try telling him how glad you are about your home, S19's college, whatever, and what a great sign of the important success that is. No guarantees, but if you really want to feel that you're doing something, and since it's not the kind of thing that would hurt your R, why not? Unless your heart is set on driving the "hers" Corvette from Julian down into town on a summer night.
Thanks,
Joe
My sitch More importantly, Light A Million Candles
I agree with Joe, this doesn't sound like the Ellie we know and love...but we can talk about it tomorrow!!!
I had to smile when I saw your bunny link. I have had rabbits for nearly 10 years now, and that rabbit is a very famous rabbit named Oolong. He is Japanese. Here are a couple of websites that tell his story: Oolong on syberpunk.com and Oolong's last moments...
Can't wait to see you, drive safely!
SG
Survival Goddess "The most common way people give up their power is by thinking they don't have any." -Alice Walker
Just finished loading up the rented minivan (S19 has WAY too much stuff!!!!). I'd better get to bed so we can get an early start!
I know, I haven't been sounding like myself - H is in one of his down periods and it's just wearing on me I guess. I'm looking forward to my weekend full of DBers.
Well, I had a lovely weekend away! S and I had a pleasant drive up north. Survival Goddess was kind enough to let S19 and I crash on her couches Saturday night, and took us to an informal BBQ at her professor's house. I'm so excited for her, she went into a Master's program when things with her H looked really bad, and has now graduated and is starting a new job offering her three times the salary she was making before, and lots of international travel to boot!!! What an inspiration to all LBSs!
Her D19 was also there, an absolutely adorable girl, so sweet and such a knockout too.
The next morning we drove to Berkeley and unloaded all S19's stuff into his dorm room (no mean feat - he's a bit of a collector!). He's got a great room in one of the newest buildings this year, and one of his female friends is on the same floor, so they hung out a bit. We had fun putting his room together, of course I know it will be a wreck in no time, but one always has that hope that if you organize it well in the beginning, it will stay in some semblance of order? No? Oh well, we can dream, right?
Then I left him there and took the BART into SF where I met GBO and Azure for dinner. They are both in new R's, and they both looked fabulous. GBO's BF stayed with the kids while we went out - what a lovely man. When I heard him reading bedtime stories to the kids later, it almost brought tears to my eyes, it was so sweet. GBO is a wonderful mom, and I think she's met a man who is capable of being an equally wonderful step-dad.
Spent the night at GBO's, then got up early and took the BART train back over to Berkeley to have breakfast with S and pay for a couple of last-minute items for him before heading to the airport. He's such a good kid.
Came home and, well, it was a little creepy. See, my H's previous affair started when I was gone on a trip with my mom for 10 days - a trip he encouraged. When I got back from that trip, H laid this heavy vibe on me about how well he and the kids had done in my absence, how the kids cleaned so well for him, etc. etc.
So - this time I get home, H has the house all cleaned up (not that it was bad when I left it ) - that should make me happy, right? He even got my D15 to clean her room, which I have been nagging her to do all week (she had a sleepover last week). But there's that sickening undercurrent of "gee, this wasn't hard, why can't you do it this way?" - just like during bomb time. And it's so unfair - the kids will do things for him they won't for me. He just left D a note to clean her room and she did it - so he thinks I just didn't ask her, or what??? I'd been nagging her for a week!
Anyway - the similarities to the bomb time just creeped me out. And H is still depressed and on edge. This morning he was in a little bit of a rush to get to a meeting at work. (Not a crucial meeting - just didn't want to be late for someone he was interviewing - someone who would totally understand if he was "late in traffic"). He had to wear a dress shirt (which he hasn't had to wear in a while) and kept having troubles with each shirt he put on. Shaving nick got blood on the collar of one - no, two - shirts, next shirt was too tight in the neck (although same size as all his other shirts, and he definitely hasn't gained weight) etc, etc. Ten minutes of shirt-changing later, he dashes out the door, gets sprayed by the automatic sprinklers getting into his car, and sits on his favorite new pair of sunglasses and breaks them.
Okay, a rotten and frustrating start to the day, granted - but instead of finding any humor in the ridiculousness of it all, H was throwing things and insisting that I run out today to buy him an identical pair of sunglasses. (And yes, this is a guy who NORMALLY would find the absurdity of this morning funny, and be able to laugh at himself). He's just wound so tight right now, like a string that's about to break. I wish I could help him, but when he gets like this, he thinks I'm the problem.
So - back to focusing on what I CAN control, and that's me. Still working on getting my thyroid and hormones straightened out, have another appointment with my new doc this week. I'm now having hot flashes, I think this time they're menopausal and not due to my thyroid, although it can be hard to tell.
Got my treadmill out, so I'll get back on that today again. Have a little bit of organizing to finish around the house, and need to focus on job search, and getting S14 and D15 ready to go back to school soon.
Wow, Ellie. I understand the sickening feeling that you're talking about. You're wise to back out of the situation when your H gets wound up like that--I've learned that lesson as well. What is your plan for tonight? Do you guys talk about these situations or do you just let them go?
In a weird way, it is comforting to see that even couples who have successfully rebuilt their M's still have these moments. I guess that's just real life.
I've tried talking to H - when he's in a good mood - about his depressive symptoms at other times. It's generally not productive - either he's forgotten the incident and thinks I'm making it up, or he feel threatened by me even mentioning it. And usually then he turns it around in some way so that I'M responsible for his feelings (as in, he's not depressed, he's just mad I've regained some weight, not gotten a job, been sick with my thyroid problems).
It's frustrating -does he think I WANTED to regain the weight, that I WANT to be too weak to exercise vigorously, that I WANTED to be financially dependent on him when I've been independent my whole life before I, and then my D, got sick? But since he doesn't believe my medical problems are what they are, he chooses to see only the lack of results rather than how hard I have been trying to overcome them. (Can you imagine how frustrating it is to eat a 1500 calorie diet, stick to it faithfully, do killer step-aerobics workouts 4-5 times a week for a month, not lose an OUNCE - and then have your H treat you as if you are a lazy person who is voluntarily choosing to be 25 lbs. overweight??????? UGH!)
Okay - so I KNOW this is mostly about his depression, but since I have no control over that, and I DO have control over what I do, I will keep focusing on getting well, getting to where I can work, and continue looking for the key to weight loss for me.
