Mama, I echo a14's comments and questions. I have been thinking this too about your sitch. I know in mine, most of my 99% sure he's gone is the fact that W is, as a14 said, nice to me again and seems pretty much rid of that constant stress and angst that she carried for the entire time the affair was going on. Now, either she's become a MUCH better liar and person able to live with this, or she's not living with it anymore. If she is in contact with him, I don't think it's to continue seeing him but rather because she doesn't know how to get rid of him...or is that me, lol.
Anyway, please, why do you think he's still seeing her outside the fact that he has opportunity and unanswered for time (or ANSWERED for time that you consider lies)?
I am so surprised and amazed at how strong you are. When my W would go out with OP it would kill me (I sincerely hope that is not the case here). I couldn't take it and walked out. Who would have thought a guy 43 years old would be back living with his folks. lol Anyways, I am very proud of what you are doing and hope you can continue the good work.
"Our life is what our thoughts make it."
Marcus Aurelius
We all do what we have to do, and I think early on it's primarily fear/anger/pain that motivates most of us. It's how we deal with those things that makes the difference in each sitch, and I don't think one way is necessarily better, or more a symbol of strength than the other.
Folks that leave do so usually because that's what it takes for them to get through the hour, day, weeks following the bombs. THEN they find the strength to address their situation more head on but still maintain that distance. Sometimes that continues to work, sometimes it does not in terms of allowing reconciliation to happen. Whatever the case, I can only imagine that it takes enormous strength and faith to live away from your family and continue this process.
In the case of myself (and mama to a certain extent I think) we chose to stay and ride it out. For me, I freely admit it was because I was afraid to leave, or "make" her leave. Soon though, I realized that I was going to have to summon everything I had to do this with the A right there in front of me. When I realized that, I once again made the CHOICE to stay. I have regretted it sometimes and not others. Again, it takes inner strength to do this no matter how or where you do it.
Mama, I am so grateful to be reading your posts these days. You sound SO good and I am so proud of you. You are a shining example of what happens when one TRULY decides to detach and understand that while we can still CARE what they say and do, we DON'T have to be ruled by it.
Mama and GH and others....I'm proud too, that, as Stevie pointed out, that we "stayed and faced" things. I did as well, for months. They were the hardest ever. Now that I'm out of the house (not my choice), I look back and realize how traumatic it was.
So...as a warning to all, when you do come to a final and good phase in the M, rounding the bend, don't be surprised at these emotions of trauma coming out. Coming here and venting really helps us to cope and process, but you will still hit a point where you look back and think "oh my GOD, what happened there and what did I live with." I think this is natural, and will pass, but just be aware and get help, come here, see a C, whatever. In my case, I let my H know (angrily b/c it all popped out, ugh) that it was like carving my soul out each day living in that....but it also honed my skills in unconditional love and understanding and most of all, patience.
Each time I think it was hell, I remember what it must have been like continuing to live with me when I was really nasty....not fun.
After the call this morning I immediately realized that H took both of my credit cards!!! I called him right back to see if I could meet him at his work and get one. No answer, called again 1/2 hour later. No answer. I found one in my desk that I hadn't yet activated, so I did. Now the one he has doesn't work anymore (hee-hee).
We live in the suburbs of Chicago. It was about 75 degrees here. Threw the kids in the car, put the top down and went into the city to the zoo. Now, keep in mind that this is totally not like me. I HATE driving on expressways. I have about a 3 mile radius from my home that I always stay in. Our hair was flying and we were singing! Spent 4 hours at the zoo, had a fantastic time!!! Without H, see we don't need him to make us happy, we can do it on our own. Traffic was crazy coming back, plus we got a little lost. Took us 2 hours in bumper to bumper traffic.
Right after we get home, H calls, sounding all sheepish. "Hey, I'm still in the city and now I'm going to get something to eat. Not sure when I'll be home" I tell him thanks for calling and have a good time. Oh, btw, we were in the city too. He says, "oh, out for a drive in the mustang?" I tell him we went to the zoo and had a great day, see ya later.
Now, we will see if he really was in the city cause I know first hand what the traffic was like since the zoo is very close to Wrigley field. STOP!!!! Don't do it Mama. Do not test him. Who cares???
Let him lie to me. It is not really about me. He is lying because he feels guilty and still loves me. If he didn't he would probably just tell the truth. On the other hand, maybe he is telling the truth and I am just imaging all of this in my head (which I have been known to do). I will give him the benefit of the doubt.
If he is not here at bedtime, I will make his lunch like I always do and write him a note, like I always do, saying I hope he had a good day.
Thank you all for your support. I really do feel stronger!!
Quote: Mama, I am so grateful to be reading your posts these days. You sound SO good and I am so proud of you. You are a shining example of what happens when one TRULY decides to detach and understand that while we can still CARE what they say and do, we DON'T have to be ruled by it.
Is that what I am doing? Detaching? I guess in a way I am. I will not let his actions, no matter how angry they make me, rule my life. We are both grown ups. As Average Joe stated in his thread; we don't NEED our spouses, sure we want them but if we don't have them we will still be ok on our own.
Now to keep saying this over and over in my head so I don't do or say anything I will live to regret when and if he does come home tonight!!
Hi Mama, Just checking in on you and catching up - I lost you for a while, didn't realize you had a new thread. You are doing AWESOME. I am so impressed. You are a transformed woman from 6 months ago. There is no doubt in my mind that you are rockin' H's world even if he hasn't noticed the 9.8 tremblor that has started. Look out PapaBear! I am so proud of you Mama.
I know it must be really tough sometimes to see what H is doing. I really think the weird destructive stuff and the A is on it's way out though. Imagine when he comes home, hears all the kids talking about the fun you had, and H is missing it. Again. At some point, your H is not going to want to miss all of this anymore. The A will eventually fizzle. You hang in there Mama. You have the right attitude and are doing all the right things. Your instincts and healthy behaviors are getting stronger and stronger. No one is going to rock you anymore without your permission that's for sure. I am rooting for you!
PositivelyListening ************************************** When one door of happiness closes, another one opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one which has been opened for us. - Helen Keller
Quote: I know it must be really tough sometimes to see what H is doing
Yes, it is extremely tough! When he came home it took all the self control I had to not go for the jugular.
Quote: Imagine when he comes home, hears all the kids talking about the fun you had, and H is missing it. Again.
Oh and this did happen. They bombarded him the minute he walked thru the door. All three talking at once, showing him their new stuffed animals and the great picture we took of all of us. He layed on the couch with them climbing all over him and I heard him say "this feels so good"
Quote: At some point, your H is not going to want to miss all of this anymore. The A will eventually fizzle.
This is what I am hoping for. This is what motivates me to keep my mouth shut and not question him about who is was really with, etc. It was my choice to stay in this marriage even though I know he is involved in an A. No one forced me to, therefore, I have to deal with it.
When H went to bed last night I was tucking our S4 in bed, he said goodnight and then went in our room. A few minutes later he came back out and walked up to me and said "come here", gave me a big hug and said "this feels so good, I could fall asleep right here" He also stated that he is going to try to get home early so he can go with us a a local festival that me and the kids are going to. So, it appears that he may be on the fence tetering back and forth. I don't want to give him any reason to lean the other way.
I just wanted to share with you that when my H started to think more about me and the fam over OW, the little family moments were really the hook that caught him. The boys and I would go to the zoo or have a really fun day, take pictures and all, and H would hear about it and regret missingit, even say, "these are some of the the things I forget to think about." I think in my sitch, he'd bite the hook and I'd reel in too fast. But you sound like you've got a really good grasp on things, keep it up mama!
that's for sure. I am rooting for you!